‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey’: All happy famiglie are the same

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“Cut the Cancer Out”
September 18, 2016

And the most depressing season of The Real Housewives of New Jersey keeps chugging along.

Let’s begin with Melissa taking Folletto to the plastic surgeon for Botox to treat his “migraines.”

sure jan

But seriously, why are we here? What are we doing here? Who even cares? WHY AM I WASTING MY TIME ON THIS I DON’T CARE ABOUT ANYONE’S BOTOX PLEASE STOP IT.

Elsewhere, That Pete Kid takes Potatoee Face to Hoboken’s own love lock bridge, except instead of being a bridge, it’s a pier, and instead of being in Paris, it’s in New Jersey. There, he proposes, she accepts, and it’s very nice if not exactly a surprise. But mazel tov, you two!

The happy couple returns to Jacqueline’s house where they share the good news with Jac, the elusive C.J. and Laurita, before calling Albie who apparently went to highschool with That Pete Kid? And he also went to college with Lauren’s husband? Maybe Albie could revive Millionaire Matchmaker on Bravo except instead of millionaires he’d hook up New Jersey Italians.

Later, Jacqueline stops by Dolores’ gym. Nothing happens. Nothing happens! So much nothing is what happens.

As for Teresa, she and Melissa go power walking around the neighborhood, and Teresa is remarkably forthcoming about how Meatball is anxious about going to meatball prison and how she’s worried about how he’s going to do on the inside. Revealingly, she notes that before she went to meatball prison, she didn’t worry about it at all — in fact, even though she knew she had been sentenced, she didn’t actually believe she was really going anywhere. 1. That must have been quite the surprise when Lawyer Jimmy put her in the car and dropped her off in Conneticut. But 2. I’m just not sure what I am supposed to do with this new, self-aware and honest Teresa, youse guys. She’s destroying everything I thought I knew and believed to be true.

john-travolta-confused-pulp-fiction-looking-around

Later, Melissa and Siggy suggest to Teresa that the ladies go on a weekend trip to Vermont to help her de-stress. Teresa is clearly thinking, “I mean, youse guys understand that I only a limited amount of time left with my Meatball before he goes away to meatball prison for THREE GODDAMN YEARS and youse want me to spend a weekend away from him — because youse guys know prefectly well that he can’t leave the state — to go have a girl’s weekend? This can’t wait until after he leaves? MARRONE.” But instead of yelling that at these two stugats, she sighs heavily and agrees to go because, after all, she signed the Bravo contract and she has to pay the bills while her dumb felonious marito is off in meatball prison somehow, right?

Meanwhile, Kathy and Rosie still haven’t given up on this bizarre need to try to reconnect with Teresa, and to this end, Rosie meets Siggy and Jacqueline to ask for their help in convincing Teresa to meet. Siggy, who has no idea what she’s in for, is like, “Absolutely! Famiglia is the most important thing! I will make this happen!” Meanwhile, Jacqueline is all:

kenan-omg-face

So Siggy and Jacqueline have Teresa join them for a glass of wine to discuss the possibility of meeting with her cugini, and in response, Teresa — calmly! — warns Siggy to not get involved with her famiglia. And she’s right, Siggy! Don’t do it. Don’t get involved! It never ends well for anyone. Just ask Caroline.

caroline-get-me-outta-here

Teresa flatly explains that she’s not ready for a relationship with Kathy and Rosie, not after the way they and their madre talked about her, and she’s not interested in meeting with them, the conversation is over, arrivederci.

Later, Siggy and Jacqueline go over to Kathy’s casa, along with Melissa and Folletto, and they explain that Teresa just isn’t ready to even talk to Kathy and Rosie, much less forgive and move forward. As Kathy goes over all the terribile things they said about each other’s parents, causing Siggy to burst into tears as she realizes the horrible mess she’s gotten herself into by being on this scemo show.

Then, Jeff Goldblum Jr., being the asshole that he is, announces that he knows the real reason Teresa is so mad at them, and proceeds to kiss Kathy and announcing that it’s because they have been happily married for 25 years and he, for one, loves his wife. This sets Folletto off, furious with Jeff Goldblum Jr. for implying that il Meatballs have an unhappy marriage. Which, I mean, they do, but hey! It’s nice to see Folletto standing up for his sorella, right? That’s something! And then Folletto and Kathy both explain that there is an Italian proverb: “La lingua non ha ossa ma fa rompere il dosso,” which means, “The tongue has no bone but it breaks bone.” This should have been the subtitle of this entire series, and I am going to need someone to embroider it on a pillow for me, thanks.

However, Folletto does take from this visit with his cugini that they are not going to be satisfied until they have a sit down meeting with Teresa. Folletto meets Tre at the gym where he tells her what he learned at Kathy’s and he urges his sorella to just meet with them already and tell them to their faces that she doesn’t want anything to do with them anymore. In fact, he’ll come with her for moral support. Teresa agrees without once throwing a water bottle at her figlie or telling him to go scratch. WHO EVEN IS THIS PERSON?

Finally, Teresa and Folletto meet their cugini at some restaurant that only seems to cater to Real Housewives of New Jersey cast members — it’s like the fifth time we’ve seen it this season, maybe even twice in this very episode. There, Kathy and Rosie plead with Teresa to move forward, that life’s too short for this nonsense. And Teresa, perfectly calmly, agrees. Life is too short for this, and that’s why she’s not interested in having a relationship with them anymore. She explains that they didn’t bother to reach out to her while she was in meatball prison, and there was that one time Jeff Goldblum Jr. threw her cookbook in the trash, and let’s not even get into the parent stuff, and so ultimately she just wants to “cut the cancer out.” Listen: they will always be famiglia, but she’d rather not hang out with them anymore, grazie. That said, if they ever need anything, her door is always open. Which is something of a mixed message, but since we got through this meeting without a table being hurled or a parent being slandered, we’re going to let it slide.

And with that, Teresa and Folletto leave, and Teresa has a good cry in his car, and it is very sad! I am sad for everyone!

My sadness ranked from least sad to most sad:

Kathy: She and Teresa have had their share of problems — some of which Kathy created. And she is married to a garbage person who makes it hard at times to sympathize with her. But I think she genuinely can not figure out why Teresa is able to forgive Melissa, Folletto and Jacqueline, but not her.

Teresa: On the one hand, she probably should forgive and forget. Kathy and Rosie are famiglia, and Kathy is going through some terrible things with her daughter’s health. This is a time when famiglia should come together, not allow themselves to be torn apart because one person’s garbage husband pretended to throw your cookbook away this one time. On the other hand, Teresa is doing what she needs to do for her own emotional health, and that is admirable in its own way — especially considering how volatile Teresa has been in the past. Teresa is about to go through a very stressful period and she doesn’t want to be dragged down by some old famiglia cazzate. I think there might still be a chance for Teresa and her cugini to reconcile, but right now is probably not the time to try to push them together.

Rosie: What did Rosie ever do but be a good friend to Meatball while Teresa was away and get her feelings hurt when her cugina excluded her from a “famiglia” New Year’s Eve event? And now she’s being called a “cancer” for her trouble? The whole thing, it just bums me out.

Ugh, this season, youse guys.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Sundays on Bravo at 7/8 CST.

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