‘The Real Housewives of New York’: Sizing them up

The Real Housewives of New York City
“An Intimates Affair”
April 13, 2016

Hey, here’s a fun idea: let’s spend a typical morning with this new Jules person as she gets her family ready for the day and see what we can learn about her.

What we learn about her: She can’t make coffee.

Riveting.

In other, more interesting storylines, Bethenny goes to a jewelry store to buy herself a birthday present because the woman has priorities. Dorinda meets her there, and they discuss the “Tailgate Chic” birthday party Bethenny is going to throw herself in the Hamptons that weekend. Just so we’re all on the same page, “Tailgate Chic” is not a thing. Let’s just all be clear on that before we move on.

Dorinda explains that she and Fudgie will be staying at Ramona’s for the weekend, though she has reservations considering Ramona has not been shy about sharing her (reasonably) negative feelings about Fudgie. Dorinda then, unprompted, begins listing all of Fudgie’s virtues: he has a “good heart,” the sex is good, he’s a blatant creep, not a secret creep. You know, all the qualities you look for in a boyfriend.

Her Serene Highness Carole Radziwill joins them, and tells the ladies about her exhausting lunch with Ramona. BREAKING NEWS: Ramona talks a lot. Dorinda notes that she has never had a problem with Ramona in the 20+ years they’ve been friends, because Dorinda doesn’t know how foreshadowing works. She then repeats that she and Fudgie will be staying with Ramona in the Hamptons, adding that she’ll be sure to Nair Fudgie’s back before the trip.

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I can not and I will not.

Over on the Lady Morgan and The Countess show, the women discuss how they didn’t see much of the other women over the summer, though The Countess notes Bethenny did come to her 4th of July party — you know, the one where The Countess “sang”:

… but otherwise she hasn’t seen much of her ever since Princess Carole took up residence “in Bethenny’s anus.” The Countess’ words, not mine. And then Sonja talks about sage-ing her kitchen to prevent demons because of course Sonja is worried about kitchen demons. And if anyone should be worried about kitchen demons, it probably should be Sonja, let’s be honest.

As for Ramona, she has Dorinda over to her Mario-less apartment to eat salads, complain about the heat, and discuss Dorinda’s forthcoming bra-fitting party. Yes, obviously, a “bra-fitting party.”

Elsewhere, Serene Princess and Bethenny have dinner and talk about Princess’ relationship with the Viscount of Pork Chops (they’re serious, but ultimately doomed because he wants babies and in the long run, one little shaggy dog named uncreatively-named Baby is probably not going to serve as a suitable replacement), how Her Highness and The Countess are still on non-speaking terms and how for Bethenny this is the “Summer of Zero Fs.” Princess Carole, however, still has a few Fs to give, as in: “F that Countess.”

Building up to this panty party, Dorinda swings by Fudgie’s dry cleaning shop for some free product placement to pick up her panty party outfit and to coordinate their plans post-panty party. Fudgie agrees that he will pick her up around 9 and they will go have dinner together. I only mention this very boring detail because it will be relevant later.

Meanwhile, Ramona calls Bethenny to “wish her a happy birthday,” but really so as to rehash on-camera an earlier conversation they had off-camera about how some of Ramona’s friends told her that they had a whole conversation with Fudgie at some other party where he bragged about “getting buzzed” every night and popping a ton of Viagra so as to have sex with Dorinda for 6 hours.

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Ostensibly the whole point of discussing this with Bethenny a second time is to establish a reason to bring it up later in the episode ask Bethenny’s advice as to whether or not Ramona should tell Dorinda about this, but it is thoroughly obvious Ramona has already decided to do so. “Absolutely you should tell her, but only privately and off-camera,” Bethenny does not say because presumably she thinks Ramona is an adult who can figure these things out for herself.

So. Dorinda’s bra-fitting party. Basically, Dorinda has made these two nice-seeming ladies bring a bunch of racks of panties into a party room somewhere, with the idea that these ladies would eyeball each of the attendees and guess their bra size like a carnie guessing someone’s weight, and then send them home with new bras, like some sort of Avon party out of my damned nightmares. NO THANK YOU TO ANY OF THIS.

Not in attendance, The Countess, because countesses do not attend panty parties, darlings, and one Sonja Morgan who, as we know, is philosophically opposed to undergarments.

Everyone arrives, even Ramona who apparently has a minor stroke on her way there and for a harrowing few minutes completely forgets how an elevator works.

As for Jules, she goes straight to the spread of food to demonstrate she is not afraid of eating SO QUIT TALKING ABOUT HOW SKINNY SHE IS. However, when she accidentally touches some fried shrimp, this person begins to freak out that she’s not kept kosher. Mind you, she didn’t eat the shrimp, merely brushed up against one, which I don’t know is necessarily a violation of her religion. In any event, it is enough for this Jules person to COMPLETELY PANIC and in an effort to find the “closest mitzvah,” as she explains, she dunks her hands in the first water source she can find: the ice bucket from which people are going to get ice for their drinks. And in fact, moments later, someone fetches The Princess a tequila on the rocks — rocks sourced from this very bucket.

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While sipping her contaminated drink, Her Highness is introduced to Jules, who jokes about her “mosquito bites” boobs and how she tried, unsuccessfully, to nurse her two adorable children. And Princess Carole — PRINCESS “MY UPPER ARMS ARE THE SIZE OF BABY WRISTS” CAROLE, YOU GUYS — she has the gall to say that Jules is too skinny.

The bra ladies then size the ladies up, literally, declaring Ramona to be a 32DD, and Princess Carole a 28-A, which is why, our Princess explains, she doesn’t bother wearing a bra.

Then with ostensible purpose of the party taken care of, we can get down to what we’re really here for: everyone fighting with everyone else.

After Dorinda informs Bethenny and Princess Serene that she ran into The Countess on her way to Beautique to go make out with some oily Euro trash. Dorinda tells Bethenny that though she couldn’t be measured for a new bra, The Countess said she wouldn’t miss Bethenny’s birthday party for the world. Even though she technically wasn’t invited. The Princess is NOT AMUSED, and orders Bethenny to keep The Countess away from her OR OFF WITH THEIR HEADS.

Ramona reminds our Polish Princess that over their exhausting lunch, they made a list of The Countess’ pros and cons. This, somehow, leads Ramona to complain at Princess Carole for how she ignored Ramona all summer. Her Serene Highness takes issue with this version of events, insisting that she saw and reached out to Ramona several times over the summer, and refers to it as “The Summer of Ramona,” in fact, because MY GOD, SO MUCH RAMONA.

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Dorinda calls nonsense on all of it, pointing out that Ramona should stay in her Upper East Side bubble and Princess Carole should stick to her organic, gluten-free downtown, and everyone should stop pretending that they have anything to do with each other.

Bethenny, who is always happy to peel back the non-reality of this dumb show and get real, is like, “While we’re not pretending, let’s talk Fudgie.” Bethenny whines that Dorinda is always trying to “sell” him to the rest of the ladies, before telling Dorinda about Fudgie asking her for her phone number and trying to pitch her business ideas when they were in the Hamptons together. After initially shrugging this off as no big deal, Dorinda promises Bethenny that she’ll tell Fudgie to knock it off.

Instead of that being the end of it, however, Bethenny continues to complain about how Dorinda is “selling” Fudgie to the rest of them, which agitates Dorinda to the point of yelling at Bethenny that she’s not “the word of God.” Truer words, y’all.

But then, because Ramona is Ramona and she has the common sense of a hamster, she decides that now is the perfect time to add her thoughts on Fudgie and begins to share with Dorinda the story her friends told her with the “getting buzzed” and the piles of Viagra and the marathon “doing of” Dorinda every night. Shockingly, Dorinda is not grateful to her friend of 20 years for sharing this information with her, at a party, with a bunch of her other friends, on camera, and she begins shouting at Ramona that she should have told her separately. I think she means “privately,” but point taken.

Dorinda yells that she’s married a person, buried a person and pays her own bills, so she can choose who to be with and the rest of them can stop. Bethenny, also not sensing that now is maybe not the time to pile on, adds that Dorinda and Fudgie do like their buzzes and points out that Dorinda and Fudgie were drunk messes at her place in the Hamptons over the summer, to which Dorinda is like, “SO WHAT, IT’S THE HAMPTONS. WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT OF THE HAMPTONS IF RICH WHITE PEOPLE CAN’T GET ALL DRUNK AND ORNERY WITHOUT PEOPLE JUDGING THEM?”

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Dorinda then announces that she won’t be staying with Ramona for this upcoming Hamptons trip, to which Bethenny is like, “wait, what? You should be much angrier with me than her…” But Dorinda basically says that Bethenny’s problems with Fudgie are all business, whereas Ramona was spreading her personal — sexual — business all over the place which is all, like, uncool.

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As Dorinda storms off, Ramona protests that she likes Fudgie just fine (no, she doesn’t) but that she thinks Dorinda should “know what the weather report is,” to which Bethenny answers, “F’ing stormy.”

On that note, we are left with the season’s first, “TO BE CONTINUED,” so get comfortable, princesses, it’s going to be a long season.

The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesday, April 6th at 8/9 p.m.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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