‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: Divorced from reality

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Who Do You Believe?”
April 12, 2016

And so, after trips to Tuscany and London and the Hamptons and San Diego and Cleveland and Somewheresville, Ohio and New York City and Dubai, we end the season with one last trip: to Kyle’s Palm Springs home which she bought by stealing Kim’s goddamn house and selling it.

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Because it’s written in the Real Housewives bylaws that you have to end every season with some sort of nonsense party that every cast member must attend, Kyle is making everyone drive two hours out into the desert to come admire her fire pits and patio furniture.

But before they head out, the ladies each rehash their trip to Dubai to whomever will sit still long enough to listen:

Eileen talks about it at her terrible husband who makes absolutely no effort to disguise how little he cares.

Kathryn talks about it at her less terrible husband who genuinely seems interested, bless him.

Lisa Rinna talks about it with her manager before moving on to discussions of her possible new talk show because America apparently hasn’t been through enough.

Erika talks about it to Yoyawnda, informing her of the whole Lisa Vanderpump twist in Lisa Rinna’s Munchausen story. Yoyawnda asks Erika who she believes, and Erika straight-up sides with Rinna. Yoyawnda points out that there does appear to be a Vanderpattern: first it was Kyle who got on Vanderpump’s bad Vanderside, then it was Brandi, and now Lisa Rinna.

As for Lisa Vanderpump, when she discusses the whole Vandermess with Grandpa Ken, he calls Lisa Rinna a “stupid bitch,” a “silly cow” and a “wanker.” Vandernice language there, Grandpa Ken. Way to keep it Vanderclassy.

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Then everybody heads to Palm Springs for Kyle’s needless party. Kim, The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick and Camille, are also in attendance, along with a bunch of other nobodies no one cares about. In fact, it’s the first time Erika and Kim have ever met, and she informs Kim she had just watched Escape from Witch Mountain. Which should totally be the title of the spin-off reality series about Kim Richard’s post-Housewives life. Boom. That’s a million dollar idea, Andy Cohen. I’ll be waiting by the mailbox for my check.

The moment Lisa Rinna walks into the party, she asks to speak to Yoyawnda RIGHT NOW, clearly hoping to tell her version of events before Lisa Vanderpump can tell Yoyawnda hers. Once alone, Lisa Rinna confesses to Yoyawnda that she called her “the most manipulative of all” because of the Kim and Brandi brunch photo, and she apologizes. Yoyawnda, however, is unimpressed.

Yoyawnda does ask for some clarity on the whole Moofenflausen’s thing and who started the conversation. And here’s where things become Vanderobtuse. Rinna’s story is that Lisa Vanderpump would talk about Yoyawnda’s Instagram feed and how she thought it was Vanderodd, and basically Vandermanipulated Lisa Rinna into discussing Munchausen’s on camera. Now, Rinna never claims that the Munchausen’s discussion originated with Lisa Vanderpump, but she never clarifies that it didn’t, either.

Lisa Rinna then asks Yoyawnda to not be angry with her, and Yoyawnda informs her that she doesn’t have the energy for that, which to Yoyawnda’s credit, is literally the perfect — and only — response to Lisa Rinna and all of her crazy nonsense.

After the other ladies join them, Yoyawnda flees inside, just looking for a lemon cocktail, but instead finds Lisa Vanderpump who wants to give her Vanderside of things. So the two of them sit down and Yoyawnda tells Lisa Vanderpump that Lisa Rinna just told her that the entire Chunmausen’s conversation started with her, a charge that Lisa Vanderpump laughs off as Vanderabsurd. Why, Lisa Vanderpump never wanted to be Vanderinvolved in any way on account of being a dear friend of the Sultan. No, Lisa Vanderpump Vanderexplains, the entire Munchausen’s conversation started from the dictionary.com app on Lisa Rinna’s phone, darling. Lisa Vanderpump then calls Kyle over to back her up on this, and Kyle is like, “Yep, 100% Lisa Vanderpump did not start the Munchausen’s discussion. That I can say without being accused of being a liar.” Yoyawnda, however, is unimpressed.

Then The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick comes over and spouts some crap about how life is beautiful and there’s not enough time for petty bickering. I don’t even disagree with her and yet, STAY OUT OF IT, THE MORALLY CORRUPT FAYE RESNICK.

Since this is the season finale, my two cents on all of this, for what it is worth: what I suspect happened is Lisa Vanderpump and Kyle probably were making nasty comments about Yoyawnda’s Instagram feed in front and probably along with Lisa Rinna. Later, Lisa Rinna discussed Yoyawnda and her illness with her hairdresser who wondered if Yoyawnda didn’t have Munchausen’s, a comment that Lisa Rinna took back to Lisa Vanderpump off camera. Lisa Vanderpump then encouraged Lisa Rinna to discuss it on camera at her house, and Dummy agreed because she’s dumb, only to realize much later that she’s the one who looks like the jerk for having picked on a sick woman. At that point, Rinna claims Lisa Vanderpump made her do it, and to help spread the blame around a bit, Rinna never makes it clear that the word “Munchausen’s” never came from Lisa Vanderpump. The situation is additionally muddied by the fact that much of this argument is really about where certain things were said — on- or off-camera — an element of the fight that the Producers never include because it shatters the so-called reality. Meaning, if this show weren’t a part of their lives, they wouldn’t even be having this fight, and all of this, ultimately, is meaningless.

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Yoyawnda heads outside where she reports to Eileen and Lisa Rinna that Lisa Vanderpump claimed she wasn’t Vnaderparty to anything untoward. Eileen, never wanting to miss an opportunity to have an awkward group yell, suggests that they all go sit down with Lisa Vanderpump and confront her. Which they start to do! But before anyone can call Vanderpump out, Kim stomps over and demands a private audience with Lisa Rinna.

Kim explains that she heard that Lisa Rinna was “enraged” that she went to brunch with Yoyawnda. WHAT’S IT TO RINNA IF SHE AND YOYAWNDA SHARE SOME EGGS BENEDICT? Lisa Rinna notes that Kim’s life has been complicated lately before adding so passive aggressively that she could be a Real Housewife of Dallas that she just wants Kim to get better. Kim may have problems but she’s not stupid and she picks right up on Lisa Rinna’s meaning and is not amused. WHAT’S IT TO RINNA IF SHE GETS BETTER? At this Lisa Rinna throws up her hands because, honestly, if you can’t hope for someone’s life to get easier and for them to be healthier — especially if that person is dealing with live-in dying ex-husbands, multiple arrests, and a nasty and very public pill and booze problem — then what can you hope for?

As Lisa Rinna walks away, Kyle asks her sister what that was all about, and Kim says indignantly that Lisa Rinna said she wanted Kim to get better.

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While this is happening, Lisa Vanderpump sees her Vanderescape and takes it. On her way out, Lisa Vanderpump having learned from her insincere Vanderapology to Eileen that she can actually just say she’s Vandersorry even if she doesn’t Vandermean it, actually apologies to The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick for Vanderwhatever. Vanderwhatever Lisa Vanderpump might have said that was Vanderrude to The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick, she Vandertakes it all back.

Meanwhile, Eileen marvels that every single person on the cast has issues with Lisa Vanderpump and yet not a single one will be addressed before the end of the season Kyle’s party. That’s what the reunions are for, silly goose!

And with that, we’re Vanderdone with the season.

Except! Yoyawnda had a little surprise lying in wait for the Producers, and two months later they find themselves gathering the ladies together to discuss the surprising announcement that Yoyawnda and Musical Genius David Foster are dividing up the lemon stash and calling it quits.

Lisa Vanderpump, Kyle and Kathryn are SHOCKED! JUST SHOCKED! at the news. Why, Lisa was Vanderthere when they got engaged! They speculate that Musical Genius David Foster just couldn’t hack being married to a sick lady who took out her boobs and spent all her time hanging out in a dirty bathrobe instead of making him chicken dinners and taking naked pictures of herself, though Lisa Vanderpump does add that they don’t know, maybe Yoyawnda fell out of love with him.

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Elsewhere, Eileen and Lisa Rinna get together over lunch to talk about Yoyawnda’s divorce and how they had no idea there was trouble in the marriage. But, Eileen points out, if she and her terrible husband we’re having problems, it’s unlikely she’d go running to Yoyawnda about it. (Truth.) The two then begin to speculate wildly  that maybe these marital problems were impacting Yoyawnda’s health. Lisa Rinna adds that maybe this is why Yoyawnda’s head wasn’t connecting with her heart and why she was feeling so terrible. So basically Lisa Rinna ends the season by suggesting again that Yoyawnda’s condition is all in her head, while vigorously patting herself on the back for being just so very empathetic.

Finally, the lemon queen herself visits with Erika in her new condominium where they share platitudes and talk in maddeningly non-specific terms about the divorce. According to Yoyawnda, she and Musical Genius David Foster stopped “making each other happy,” which technically is the root cause of every divorce. But whatever, that’s Yoyawnda’s business. We don’t need to know what happened. (He couldn’t hack being married to a sick lady who took out her boobs and spent all her time hanging out in a dirty bathrobe instead of making him chicken dinners and taking naked pictures of herself.)

And with that we are Vanderdone here, all but for the postscripts:

lisa rinna more fabulous than this why am i here

“Lisa’s lips are working in her favor at the moment. She shot a talk show pilot… and is starting a lip gloss line. Really.”

eileen rhobh done

“Eileen has suggested Erika for a small part on the Young and the Restless hopefully in exchange for a role in Erika’s next music video.”

kyle rhobh not talk about things

“Kyle’s scripted pilot about her childhood will be shooting this summer. There’s no word on whether Kim will have a role in it.”

lisa vanderpump tea rhobh

“Despite Lisa wanting to slow down, she and Ken may be opening a new restaurant in West Hollywood soon. It won’t be in a sex shop.”

pat the puss erika jayne rhobh

“Erika Jayne’s latest single contains the refrain: “How many f***s do I give? Zero.” It may or may not have been inspired by her new friendships.”

don't act like you know me kathryn rhobh

“Kathryn’s hearing device has been a game changer for her. Soon she’ll be hearing French accents as she and Donnie have purchased a chateau in Normandy, France.”

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Yoyawnda has moved into a mattress. Healthwise, Yoyawnda feels the best she has in three years. She plans to see Gigi and Bella on the runway at Paris Fashion Week in June.”

And with THAT we are Vanderdone here. Except, of course we’re not. We still have three hours of reunion, seventeen hours of outtakes, a couple Watch What Happens Live specials to get through and by then the seventh season will begin. So what I’m saying is, I’ll see you next week. Have your dictonary.com app open and ready to go.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8 p.m.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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