The Real Housewives of New York City
“Start Spreading the News”
April 6, 2016
Welcome back, Real Housewives of New York fans! Yes, we’re back, already. Thanks to Teresa Giudice’s “downtime” in meatball jail this past winter, it seems that the Real Housewives of New York production schedule was pushed up several months to fill Bravo’s impossibly high quota of Real Housewives programs on at any one moment in time. Somehow The Producers managed to find time in the five minutes between wrapping season seven’s reunion and beginning filming on season eight to shed dead weights Heather Thomson and Kristen Taekman and find their replacement in a seven-foot-tall Japanese-Jewish lady. So, if nothing else, you have to give The Producers points for industriousness.
We begin the eighth season with Dorinda taking a tour of Bethenny’s completed apartment, and like most home tours, it is not nearly as interesting as the homeowner thinks it is. Oh, Bethenny has a fancy safe in her fancy closet to keep her fancy jewelry in? Fascinating.
At one point, Dorinda makes a passing remark about how she didn’t drink over the summer, and Bethenny is not convinced.
They then make big plans to have lunch with the newest Housewife, this Jules person, who along with her husband, Michael, is friends with Dorinda and Fudgie. “DON’T COMMENT ON MICHAEL’S HEIGHT,” Dorinda warns Bethenny. So, we all know how this is going to end, right? We see this one coming a mile away?
As for our princess, she’s still seeing the Earl of Ramen and somewhere along the line has adopted a dog, whom she named, unimaginatively, “Baby.” Princess Carole notes that she and The Countess have not, since we’ve last seen them, squashed their royal beef, and as such Her Serene Highness has no intention of ever making The Marquess of Hummus be in the same room with his former Not-Aunt. Fortunately, The Baron of Egg Salad Sandwiches is on his way to Ethiopia, for reasons, and the likelihood of this being a problem for at least the front half of the season is slim.
As for Ramona, her divorce from Mario is finalized and she has gone into full Cougar mode, including drinking at bars with her now-21-year-old daughter, and humiliating said daughter by flirting shamelessly with anyone or anything within a 10-foot radius.
So, in what just seems like an EXCELLENT idea, The Countess has partially moved in with Sonja? Apparently, The Countess only has the house in the Hamptons now and so as to make sure she gets enough screen time, The Countess is moving into Sonja’s daughter’s bedroom while Sonja’s daughter attends Hogwarts. I hope someone has The Dunes on speed dial.
Sonja mentions that the Morgan Library fundraiser is going to be in some Paris museum somewhere that has an extensive Native American collection, which leads Ms. Morgan to mention she recently had her DNA tested and it turns out that despite her high cheekbones and some nonsense her mother told her about being part Native American, she’s just a hodgepodge of English and Welsh genes.
Dear White America:
You are probably not Native American. I know what your grandmother told you about being 1/64th Cherokee or some nonsense, but it’s unlikely it’s true. And while we’re at it, unless you can point to some Jewish relatives whom you’ve actually met in your actual lifetime, chances are you’re not Jewish either.
Sorry about it,
This leads The Countess to declare that she is not just Native American (a claim she’s made in previous episodes to a resounding, “Sure. OK.”), she’s “Eskimo.” According to some dentist The Countess went to this one time, she has extra teeth behind her front teeth — a mutation that, again, according to this dentist, only the “Eskimos” have.
First of all, they prefer to be called Inuit, and second of all, the technical term for this condition is “,” and it is most common among Inuit, Native American and Asian populations, that is true. But it is also found in white and black folks, and, in fact, is prevalent in 20-35% of the United States population. So what I’m saying is The Countess’ weird-ass shark mouth makes her as likely to be an Eskimo as a third of all Americans are.
As Sonja shoves her fingers into The Countess’ mouth to explore her extra teeth, conversation turns to blow jobs, because of course it turns to blow jobs. Of course it does. Honestly, it doesn’t matter what these two started talking about: the progress on Sonja’s toaster ovens, the hit single, “Girl Code,” the Israeli/Palestinian situation … the conversation was always going come back around to blow jobs.
Elsewhere, Ramona has “lunch” with Bethenny where they discuss: how long Bethenny has gone without having sex (a long time); how Bethenny ran into Sonja and The Countess at some event and they were both drunk, which is as newsworthy as saying Sonja was out in public sans underpants; Ramona, with her crazy-ass divorce extensions, announces that she hasn’t been hanging out with Sonja as much because … wait for it … Sonja drinks too much…
… and both women have plenty to say about Dorinda and Fudgie and their “dry” summer which was — SURPRISE! — not dry. Bethenny then tells a story about how when Dorinda and Fudgie visited her in the Hamptons, Fudgie tried to pitch his business to her without Dorinda knowing. Bethenny was not impressed.
Meet Jules Wainstein, our replacement for Heather “Holla” Thomson and Kristen …. ~yaaaaaaaaaawn~ wait, what was I saying? Anyway, Jules is half Japanese and half Jewish, and it is very important to her that you know that. She is also a stay-at-home mother with a live-in nanny and housekeeper.
She has two children, ages 2 and 5; husband, Michael, a venture capitalist whose offices are directly beneath their expansive Flatiron apartment and who is so very short…
… and a very sound childrearing philosophy based around bribing your children to do what you want, which only leads to one place: Dr. Phil’s stage asking him how you get your 37-year-old son to stop using the drugs and wasting all of your disposable income on bail money.
Elsewhere, Fudgie and Dorinda celebrate a non-anniversary anniversary. There, we are reminded just how much oil oozes from his pores, and Dorinda discusses the possibility of her daughter finally moving out of her apartment.
Meanwhile, Bethenny pops her head into her Skinnygirl offices and the only thing of value we learn is that her building’s elevator smells like pot. Welcome to New York, Bethenny.
Princess Carole and Ramona have lunch, where Her Serene Highness learns that Ramona doesn’t know how to pronounce the word “reggae” and our princess notices, apparently for the first time, that Ramona never ever ever shuts up. Welcome to the Real Housewives of New York City, Princess Carole.
Finally, we have Dorinda and Bethenny’s big Welcome to Reality Television, Jules and Michael! lunch to which Bethenny drags some poor schmo she’s been dating but not schtupping, so don’t get too attached. She’s not going to.
While Dorinda burbles on nonsensically about Bethenny’s perfectly normal white shirt and puupuu platters, Jules and Michael arrive and (re)introduce themselves to Bethenny, whom they met once at a thing, who cares. Jules explains that she is a full-time mom, busy raising “humans” AND IF SHE HAD A SALARY IT WOULD BE FAR, FAR, FAR HIGHER THAN HER HUSBAND’S. DO YOU HEAR HER, MICHAEL? FAR HIGHER.
Jules then explains the whole Jewish/Japanese thing, and no one makes the obvious JAP joke because that would be offensive and unfunny.
Meanwhile, Fudgie desperately wants to sell Bethenny carpet protection for her new apartment. Bethenny in turn refers to him in an interview as a “chubby baby.” Bethenny then brings up another story from what must have been an eventful Hamptons visit with Dorinda and Fudgie, in which Dorinda, drunk, was screaming at Fudgie about her daughter, and he had to escort her back to their room under a cloud of gin and embarrassment. Dorinda is NOT PLEASED that Bethenny would bring this up, and protests that “what happens in the Hamptons, stays in the Hamptons.” Curiously, this was the same argument The Countess made about the Turks and Caicos, which leads me to wonder if for these women there is anyplace on the planet where if something happens it’s allowed to leave.
As Jules fusses with her 7 feet of jet black hair, Bethenny who is sitting right next to her, stage whispers to Dorinda that Jules is TOO SKINNY and reminds Bethenny of her ANOREXIC MOTHER and she’s FREAKING HER OUT. Welcome to The Real Housewives of New York, Jules, hope you like being judged!
Eventually, Bethenny turns to Jules and asks why she’s fussing with her hair and Jules explains that she
is playing with her hair because she’s perfectly aware that Bethenny is talking about her and judging her weight and it is making her super-tense loves putting her hair in a bun. This slow ball over the plate sets Bethenny up for the punchline we’ve been waiting for the entire episode, wherein she suggests that Jules go as Princess Leia for Halloween, and Michael go as R2D2.
You know, because he’s so short.
The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesday, April 6th at 8/9 p.m.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.