The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
April, 5, 2016
Yoyawnda is this season’s only Housewife who didn’t fly halfway around the world to argue in desert caftans, so what has she been doing with her free time? Guzzling Master Cleanse in her fanciest bathrobe and pretending nothing is broken in her broken marriage to Musical Genius David Foster? Well, I’m sure she did some of that, but she also spent some time hanging out with Ex-Wives, Brandi and Kim at some park, not eating a pile of food she brought for a “picnic.”
Yoyawnda and Kim give Brandi grief for dating baby children like she’s a Real Housewife of New York or something, but Brandi does not care. Brandi’s gonna do who Brandi’s gonna do. Brandi — who is wearing a “IT’S NOT FUN TO BE SOBER” t-shirt as a giant F-you to, well, everyone — announces that she has gifts for Yoyawnda and Kim: a t-shirt that reads “MEDICATED” for Sober Kim, and a t-shirt that reads “SICK” for Yoyawnda, except, oops, Brandi left that one at home.
The ladies then discuss how rough this past year has been for all of them, and Yoyawnda bemoans the culture’s disposable attitude towards relationships. People just throw people away and get new wives, new friends, new toys. Nobody stays together anymore.
But Yoyawnda doesn’t follow through with the rest of her thought: “MUSICAL GENIUS DAVID FOSTER IS LEAVING ME!!!!11!1!1!!!” and instead starts talking about how Kim is such an addict and that is very sad but they’ll be friends forever. Or at least until the cameras go away.
Over in Dubai, the ladies are driven in a pair of Rolls Royces to the mall where they are driven around in golf carts, because heaven forfend they use their legs. The ladies insist that the shopping in this generic mall is different than it is in Beverly Hills, IT JUST IS, and then proceed to buy tennis shoes and purses at Chanel and Fendi.
Meanwhile, Lisa Vanderpump Vanderpouts that Eileen and Rinna aren’t talking to her after the previous night’s fight, while they’re both pretty sure that Lisa Vanderpump would Vanderather they keep their distance. They’re probably Vanderight.
The ladies then head to the Burj Khalifa, the tallest building in the world, where they observe things from the observation deck. Good observing, ladies!
There, Lisa Vanderpump decides to take Kyle’s advice and give Eileen the Vanderapology she’s been demanding from her since the Hamptons — and not one of those “I’m sorry if something I said Vanderoffended you” non-apologies — even if Lisa Vanderpump doesn’t Vandermean it. So, she takes Eileen aside, and tells her that she never Vanderintended to hurt Eileen’s feelings, she’s really very Vandersorry for that. Eileen accepts this and no one is hurled over the balcony of the Burj Khalifa.
Back at the hotel, Erika’s “glam squad” teaches Kathryn the word “hunty.”
It’s their last night in Dubai and Kathryn’s 51st birthday, and all she wants is for no one to fight. Oh, hunty, bless your heart. To celebrate, the ladies go on a dinner cruise on a fancy yacht, which is so fancy, the ladies all lament that none of them are yacht rich.
On the yacht, Eileen tells Erika and Lisa Rinna that Lisa Vanderpump Vanderapologized to her, FINALLY. They also share their philosophy of what is really happening here: Lisa Vanderpump and Yoyawnda don’t like one another and Lisa Vanderpump is Vanderusing everyone else to get back at the giant Nederlander.
To understand this theory, we have to get into our Real Housewives Time Machine and travel back two seasons: OK, so remember when there was the whole “Did Lisa Vanderinstruct Brandi to pack tabloids with stories about Kyle in her suitcase” kerfuffle? And then they all went to Puerto Rico and the ladies were like, “Well, Lisa? Did you Vanderdo it?” And in response, Grandpa Ken called Yoyawnda “stupid” and he and Lisa Vanderstomped back home? And then in the finale, Grandpa Ken grabbed Yoyawnda’s arm and called her “stupid” AGAIN because he was low-T’ing out or something? Yeah, well, apparently neither party has really gotten over it, not really, and that’s what all this nonsense is really about.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the boat, Lisa Vanderpump tells Kyle and Kathryn that she just told Eileen what she wanted to Vanderhear, she certainly didn’t mean she was sorry, darlings. What does she even have to be sorry about?
At some point, Kathryn’s mother calls her to wish her a happy birthday, which makes all the other women cry. A lot. Apparently, both Eileen and Lisa Rinna’s mothers have severe memory loss and so seeing Kathryn be able to talk to her own mother, who is also dealing with memory issues, is JUST TOO MUCH, and Lisa Rinna excuses herself below deck for a little while because it’s always about Lisa Rinna.
Above deck, the ladies discuss swear words to Kyle’s horror. THE AMERICAN CAPITAN MIGHT THROW THEM OFF THE BOAT AND THEN WHAT? THEY’D HAVE TO GO BACK TO THEIR OBSCENELY LAVISH HOTEL ROOMS AND HAVE SERVANTS BRING THEM DINNER THERE?! The horror.
Dinner is finally served and everyone sits there in awkward silence, not eating. Kyle decides that there is not nearly enough fighting happening, and demands that everyone talk about … something. Anything. So Lisa Rinna and Eileen oblige, sharing with the group their Lisa Vanderpump vs. Yoyawnda vs. Grandpa Ken theory. And Lisa Vanderpump is like, “Well, that’s not entirely inVanderaccurate.”
Lisa Rinna goes on to explain that she felt she was being set up by Lisa Vanderpump to reveal the whole Munchausen’s thing as a way to humiliate Yoyawnda, and that Lisa Vanderpump wanted Kyle to take the fall with her. Lisa Vanderpump questions the Vanderlogic of this: after all, she and Kyle are friends again, why would she do such a thing to Kyle?
But that is exactly Lisa Rinna and Eileen’s point! Why WOULD she drag her friend down that way? Lisa Vanderpump tries to claim that she didn’t, but Eileen points out that she was caught red Vanderhanded: Kyle herself confirmed Lisa Rinna’s version of events. The women then demand to know why Kyle is so willing to stand by someone she knows tried to throw her under the Vanderbus.
Lisa Vanderpump argues that she didn’t say “Why didn’t you bring Kyle into it,” but rather “I thought you were going to bring Kyle into it,” which to Lisa Vanderpump’s mind are two very Vanderdifferent things. The ladies disagree, and one by one get up and storm away from the table in frustration until Lisa Vanderpump and Kyle are the only ones remaining at the table.
Once the other ladies are gone, Kyle is like, “YEAH, BUT SERIOUSLY, VANDERPUMP, WHAT THE HEY?” Kyle complains that Lisa Vanderpump has put her in a terrible position where she’s forced to lie, before comparing herself to a battered woman.
Lisa Vanderpump is Vanderinsulted that Kyle would choose to believe Lisa Rinna over her, and Kyle is like, “I BELIEVE LISA RINNA BECAUSE SHE IS TELLING THE TRUTH,” before getting back into the Real Housewives Time Travel Machine and taking it all the way back to the second season, when Taylor called Kyle out for saying that Lisa had a big Vanderego, and Kyle owned up to it right then and there. WHY CAN’T LISA VANDERPUMP JUST DO THE SAME?
She can’t Vanderdo the same because to ever admit she had ever Vanderdone anything wrong in her Vanderlife would shatter the foundations of what it even means to be Lisa Vanderpump, darling, so instead Lisa offers to give Kyle the same thing she gave Eileen: a Vanderlie. She will happily tell Kyle anything she wants to Vanderhear if it will make this whole conversation VANDERGO AWAY.
Instead, Kyle instructs Lisa Vanderpump to just drop it … but without feeling the need to have the last word. This proves Vanderimpossible, and Lisa Vanderinsists one last time that she is telling the truth.
With that, Kyle goes to look for Kathryn’s birthday cake BECAUSE EVERYONE IS GOING TO EAT SOME BIRTHDAY CAKE, DAMMIT. YACHT PARTY OVER.
The next day, Kyle and Lisa Vanderpump put on their airplane makeup and discuss how Lisa Rinna is crazy, and I’M SORRY, KYLE, WHAT’S THAT? Lisa Rinna is the crazy one? I mean, yes, Lisa Rinna is crazy, let’s not walk away from the fact that Lisa Rinna is crazy. But I think there’s an argument to be made that the person who insists on remaining friends with the woman who tried to throw her under the Vanderbus might be the real crazy one in this equation.
The ladies then go back to Nobu for one last breakfast, toast their “wonderful time” in Dubai ….
… and begin sharpening their knives for whatever made-up party they have planned for the finale.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8 p.m.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.