‘The Real Housewive of Beverly Hills’: There’s no making up for Yolanda Foster

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Life’s a Pitch”
December 1, 2015

Welcome to another season of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and welcome to another cast shakeup. Out this season: Brandi Glanville and Kim Richards, the only interesting cast members not named “Vanderpump.” However, when everyone else on the show flatly refused to work with Brandi after she pretty much assaulted everyone last season and Kim fell off the wagon (although to call it a “fall” is really underselling it; more like “a fiery crash off the wagon, burning everything in its path”), their removal from the cast isn’t surprising. I’m sure Bravo’s entire legal department is sleeping a lot more soundly these days.

As for the new cast members, we don’t get to meet them in this premiere episode, because these shows like to pretend that these women just hang out in real life and they want to introduce them more naturally, or something. I don’t know. What I do know is that from the previews, they both appear to be blonde and busty and insufferable. They’ll fit right in.

We begin this season with Lisa Vanderpump preparing to throw the opening Vanderpitch at an L.A. Dodgers game for LGBT night despite the fact that Lisa is 1. neither a lesbian nor a gay nor a bisexual nor a trans and 2. Lisa has no Vanderidea what baseball even is. “It’s like cricket?” she Vandersays at one point.

To help her work on her throw, she has one A.J. Ellis, catcher for the Dodgers — and not the As, as my baseball-obsessed husband suggested when I asked (SHOWS WHAT YOU KNOW, CHRIS.) — come to her backyard to play a game of catch with her while dodging Vanderdog and Vanderswan poop.

The big day arrives. Lisa, Grandpa Ken and Giggy arrive at Dodger stadium where Lisa is given a pink Dodger’s jersey and sparkly hat, because obvvvvvvvviously. Lisa is then lead to the mound where she Vanderthrows a ball at a man who is paid millions of dollars to catch said ball. He does not catch it because it Vanderbounces in the dirt. But hey! It was still Vanderbetter than 50 Cent’s opening pitch, darlings:

50 cent pitch fail

Elsewhere, Lisa Rinna does an interview for Oprah Winfrey’s Where Are They Now? series on OWN, which is hilarious-sad for a few reasons: 1. she’s not actually interviewed by Oprah, but by some random producer, 2. she seems to have spent at least half of her segment yammering about her more-famous husband, Harry Hamlin, and 3. asking where someone is now suggests that there was some question as to where they had gone.

lisa rinna more fabulous than this why am i here

Later, Lisa takes her teenage daughter shopping for bathing suits, because what 15-year-old doesn’t want to try on bathing suits on national television? While her daughters preen for the cameras, Lisa tries to make amends for the moment last season when her daughters drove around Oregon and were like, “EW, LOOK AT ALL THE FAT PIGS EATING MCDONALD’S EW,” by claiming that her older daughter works at a deli toasting bread. LOL, OK.

As for Eileen, after Brandi called her interior design style “American Psycho“-ish (when I think she meant “Psycho“-ish: meaning filled with antiques and taxidermy, not an 80s-minimal design featuring lots of clear plastic tarps and Phil Collins), Eileen decided to redecorate, which, let’s be honest, is for the best. Also, Eileen is still working on Days of Our Lives. Also, Eileen’s father-in-law, Dick Van Patten, died over the summer. (And who, tragically for a man who had a decent career, passed away being described as Eileen Davidson’s father-in-law. TOM BRADFORD WAS A DAMNED AMERICAN ICON.) Also, Eileen remains THE BORINGEST.

As for Kyle, she still has that boutique that she pretends to manage or whatever. There, she tries on some sunglasses that cost $75,000 because Los Angeles is gross.

Kyle then meets Lisa Vanderpump for some Vanderlunch, where, over glasses of wine and food they don’t actually eat, they discuss Yoyawnda’s ongoing Lyme Disease situation. Update: Yoyawnda is still sick. Lisa complains that she tried to invite herself over the other day, and Yoyawnda was like, “NOPE.” Lisa just doesn’t Vanderstand what is wrong with Yoyawnda. She’s not criticising, darling, she just has Vanderquestions.

but that's none of my business no tea kermit

Lisa and Kyle also discuss a deal Kyle made with Warner Brothers to turn her childhood into a sitcom, a deal that she has neglected to discuss with the other members of said childhood, and Lisa is like, “Vandergurrrrrl….” And then Kyle, in an interview, is all, “AcoupleofmonthsagoKimwasarrestedandIdon’twanttotalkaboutitletusjustmoveon.”

As for Yoyawnda, she explains that she has moved out of the Lemon Palace and into Musical Genius David Foster’s condo in the city so as to be closer to medical care, which appears to involve more than just gallons of lemon juice and cayenne pepper. While being stuck with needles and filled with gallons of mysterious IV fluids and who even knows what else, Yoyawnda fills us in on her children: Gigi dropped out of college to be a full-time Vogue cover model, Maybelline spokesperson and Victoria’s Secret angel, who cares about the other two, she can barely remember their names.

Yoyawnda visits with her friend Angie Simpson, mother of some creature called Cody Simpson, no relation to Jessica. Apparently, Cody and Gigi dated a while back, and though they broke up, Yoyawnda and Angie became fast friends. Angie comes by Yoyawnda’s mostly to pat her hand while Yoyawnda cries about stuff and things, and agree to be Yoyawnda’s date to Lisa Rinna’s upcoming birthday dinner, because God only knows where Musical Genius David Foster even is (off drawing up divorce papers).

Finally, the obligatory event of the episode: Lisa Rinna’s birthday party at … some place. Kyle and Lisa are the first to arrive, followed quickly by Yoyawnda who — HORRORS!!!! — did not wear makeup.

shocked-x-4

ru paul shocked

shocked-patrick

FULL DISCLOSURE: I do not wear makeup unless I have to put on high heels for something, which is basically never. Because 1. no thank you, high heels and 2. no thank you, makeup. So, granted, I’m not an exactly impartial observer here.

That said, unlike your trusty blogger, Yoyawnda is a gorgeous statuesque supermodel who on her worst day looks better than 99.999% of the population. And even if she didn’t have the DNA of a Norse goddess, she, like every woman, HAS NO OBLIGATION TO YOU, GRANDPA KEN, TO PUT ON MAKEUP IF SHE DOESN’T FEEL LIKE IT.

But this doesn’t stop Lisa and Grandpa Ken and Kyle from clutching their pearls at the fact that Yoyawnda didn’t spend two hours in the makeup chair just so that she could swing by for a 15-minute visit at a birthday party she didn’t want to attend in the first place.

Having made her contractually-obligated appearance, Yoyawnda and her friend take their leave, allowing Grandpa Ken to tsk openly about how “horrible” she looks these days. BECAUSE YOUR OLD MAN MULLET LOOKS SO GOOD, GRANDPA KEN.

And then Harry Hamlin arrives and gives Lisa Rinna some expensive spangly earrings and we learn that Harry Hamlin is #16 on the list of favorites on Lisa Rinna’s phone and literally nothing else happens. Nothing.

Oh, and we end with Kyle crying about what a messy, difficult drunk Kim is, so the more things don’t change the more they STAY EXACTLY THE SAME FOR 6 SEASONS.

start-drinking-rhony

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8 p.m.

This story originally appeared on Chron.com, a Hearst site.

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