The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
December 8, 2015
We begin with Kyle reminding us that she and her family are taking a completely obscene vacation: they are charting a yacht to sail them around the French Riviera, after which they will dock in Italy where they will meet Lisa Vanderpump and Grandpa Ken to lounge around a Tuscan villa, before heading to London to attend Nicky Hilton’s wedding at Kensington Palace.
Despite the fact that she has her own boutique, for some reason Kyle has asked to borrow one of Lisa’s Vanderdresses for the wedding. Lisa picks out a strapless Vandermischka for Kyle, while Grandpa Ken sneers that Kyle won’t like it on account of the fact that it’s not a muumuu. MEOW, GRANDPA KEN. GRANDKITTY HAS CLAWS.
However, in the very next scene, Kyle is calling Lisa to discuss travel plans, and when Lisa mentions bringing the Vandermischka for Kyle to borrow, Kyle abruptly announces that she won’t be needing it, she’s not going to the wedding after all. “Vanderwait, Vanderwhat?” asks Lisa. But Kyle’s not talking, other than to tell her Vanderfriend that she was informed that it would be best if she not attend, and to half-explain in an interview that “family dynamics are complicated.” The Producers helpfully supply us a little flashback to remind us that Kyle has recently signed a deal with Warner Brothers to turn her childhood into a sitcom, which she did without consulting either of her sisters, so maybe that had something to do with it? (Actually, no, that’s not what this is about, but nice try, Producers.) Lisa Vanderoffers to bring the dress in case Kyle decides to go to the wedding after all, but Kyle is insistent: that won’t be necessary.
So Kyle heads off for her boating adventure, burbling that she’s happy to give her daughters
an inflated sense of entitlement and to distort their sense of perspective the kind of vacations that she fantasized about as a child. You know, because her childhood was so rough.
Meanwhile, in Beverly Hills, the Lisas meet for glasses of rosé, hold the food. There, Lisa Vanderpump invites Lisa Rinna to accompany her to Ohio so as to buy Grandpa Ken a miniature horse for his 70th birthday.
- Grandpa Ken is only now turning 70? I thought he had been in his 70s since the beginning of the show, Vanderhand to God.
- A MINIATURE HORSE? This is what happens when you’re so rich, you’ve run out of things to buy.
- Ohio, LOL. They should bring Lisa Rinna’s daughters along to sneer at all the midwesterners and call them fat.
Over in Europe, Kyle and Mauricio’s five-bedroom yacht pulls into Portofino after an exhausting week of yachting between Nice and St. Tropez and Cannes and instagramming their five-star, chef-prepared meals. While Kyle and most of the girls take a shuttle to their Tuscan villa, Mauricio climbs into the Ferrari he’s rented to drive around for the week.
Meanwhile, Lisa and Grandpa Ken also arrive in Italy, and as they are Vanderdriven to the villa (all the while yelling at their poor driver to TURN ON THE AIR CONDITIONING), Lisa Vandereminds us that she loves the Amalfi coast, even if SOME think it’s boring. Cut to a flashback of Yoyawnda last season whining that vacationing on the Amalfi coast is boring and “like a job” because ALL OF THESE PEOPLE ARE SO GROSS.
Anyway, everyone arrives at the gorgeous, isolated Tuscan villa, and they immediately start bitching about the bugs. “WAH, THERE ARE MOSQUITOS, WAH,” say the big babies on their two-week five-star European vacation.
Soon, Kyle and Lisa are taking a drive through the Italian countryside in Mauricio’s Ferrari, and we learn that when Kyle was 13, she would drive herself around (maybe in Kim’s car?) with her mother’s approval. Mama Richards sounds like a treat.
That evening over “margaritas” (LOL, OK, ITALY) Lisa and Kyle Vandergossip about Yoyawnda’s declining health, and Kyle pretty much says that she thinks it’s all in Yoyawnda’s head. Kyle doesn’t say it in so many words of course, but that’s what she’s is getting at when she talks about how after her own mother died, she slipped into a depression and had all sorts of weird physical symptoms.
Over dinner, they discuss Grandpa Ken’s upcoming
85th 70th birthday, and how Lisa needs to line up her next husband, as Grandpa Ken could drop dead at any moment. (That is a true fact.) Lisa then mentions that after Italy, she and Grandpa Ken are going to Monaco and Kyle, Mauricio and the girls are welcome to join them. But Kyle is like, “Actually, I’m going to Nicky’s wedding after all.” Lisa is all, “VANDERDOWHATNOW?” before noting that she didn’t bring Kyle a Vanderdress to wear on account of her SAYING THAT SHE HAD BEEN DISINVITED A WEEK EARLIER.
As Lisa Vanderpresses the issue, the wedding situation is revealed to be even weirder than previously imagined: Kyle is going to the wedding, and Portia is a flower girl in the wedding, and Farrah is a bridesmaid in the wedding, but Mauricio, Alexia and Sophia are pointedly NOT INVITED to the wedding. Lisa tries to Vanderwrap her head around this nonsense: Mauricio wasn’t invited? KYLE’S DAUGHTERS — THE BRIDE’S FIRST COUSINS — WEREN’T INVITED? And Lisa tells Kyle that as her Vanderfriend, she hates to see Kyle be manipulated by her sisters this way. Kyle tries to claim that the reason Alexia and Sophia aren’t invited is because children aren’t invited to the wedding, and the only reason Portia is coming is because she’s a flower girl. But no one is buying it, and Alexia herself is like, “Hey, here’s an idea, let’s stop talking about this on camera, thanks!”
However, before the scene is done, Lisa Vanderpump hints at what really happened when she notes that she likes Rick Hilton, and she hopes Rick and Mauricio can mend things. According to tabloid reports, Mauricio and Rick are on the outs over some sort of business deal, and as of today are still REALLY MAD at each other, so much so that Kyle skipped Kathy Hilton’s Christmas party. GASP. (Of course, Nicky and Paris also both skipped the party, so maybe it’s just a really boring party, who even knows.)
Over in our B storyline, Yoyawnda’s Lyme Disease has gotten completely out of control, and she resorts to having the crowns ripped out of her teeth because she’s worried that the “heavy metals” in them are “contaminating” her blood.
Yoyawnda, accompanied by her “health advocate” Daisy who is a “Lyme Disease Survivor,” go to the dentist where Yoyawnda is hooked up to an IV, and an oral surgeon starts hacking at her teeth with the backside of a hammer. At one point, Musical Genius David Foster wanders into the room, takes an unconscious Yoyawnda’s hand and declares, “WE’RE STILL MARRIED! WE’RE STILL VERY HAPPILY MARRIED, EVERYONE!” before immediately taking his leave. “OK, GREAT, GOODBYE! STILL MARRIED! SEE YOU LATER IN THE SEASON! MAYBE!”
Later, Yoyawnda is convalescing in a bathrobe and a warm bath of self-pity when Lisa Rinna and Eileen stop by for a visit. On their way to Yoyawnda’s bedroom, Daisy the Health Advocate shows Lisa and Eileen Yoyawnda’s Vitamin and Supplement Closet, which is filled floor to ceiling with snake oils and sham pills. “WOW,” say Lisa and Eileen, “LOOK AT THAT. THAT IS SOMETHING.”
Yoyawnda agrees to go into the living room to visit with the ladies. Topics of conversation include:
- Ripping Yoyawnda’s crowns out of her teeth out because “heavy metals”
- How Yoyawnda had a two-foot long parasite floating around inside of her
Fun! Funtimes! Somehow Lisa and Eileen manage to tear themselves away from this discoparty, and as soon as they are in the care they are both like, “SHEESH.”
Oh, as for other “plot” points: Eileen and Dick Van Patten Jr. go to Palm Springs and make sad faces at Dick Van Patten’s Palm Springs Walk of Fame star, and Lisa Rinna calls her parents.
They have to fill up 40 minutes of television somehow, I suppose.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8 p.m.
This story originally appeared on Chron.com, a Hearst site.