The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
December 15, 2015
We return to Europe with Kyle and Lisa Vanderpump so as to watch them shop in Florence, fret about Nicky Hilton’s wedding, and remind us that they have Vanderfriends who have Vandercopters to fly them to Monte Carlo. This was an absolutely great use of 10 minutes of my life that I will never get back.
Back in Los Angeles, Lisa Rinna and her daughters go for manicures and pedicures and to “negotiate” curfew times. And by “negotiate,” I mean that Lisa Rinna’s daughter, whatever her name is, that blond one, tells her mother what time her curfew will be. Good parenting, Lisa Rinna! A++ job at discipline!
Meanwhile, Eileen also has parenting issues, in that her son completely ignores her when she is speaking directly to him. This is because everyone ignores Eileen, including her awful husband, because Eileen is the most boring human being on Earth and I’m still unclear what she is doing on this show. She seems unclear, too.
Now, look, I’m NOT saying that maybe the reason Yoyawnda feels crappy all the time is because she says and believes and acts on things like, “It’s great to get vitamin C IVs to boost the immune system,” and “Drinking nothing but a combination of lemon juice and cayenne pepper and honey for a solid week is good for you” and “COLONICS!” but I am saying that it certainly can’t be helping matters. Yoyawnda drags her friend and New Housewife, Erika Girardi, to some quack who promptly shoves needles into their arms and pumps them full of
pricey snake oil “vitamin C.”
Yoyawnda explains that she’s known her friend and New Housewife, Erika, for 9 years, and that Erika “has lots of different colors.” This turns out to be something of an understatement.
Erika Girardi is a walking, talking set of breast implants. You know the type (especially and particularly if you live in Texas): 40s, blonde, brassy, buxom, caricature of a trophy wife. Which, unsurprisingly, is exactly what she is. Erika Girardi is married to the 76-year-old plaintiff’s attorney, Thomas Girardi, “L.A. County’s king of the class action lawsuit,” according to Wikipedia. According to Erika, she was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar that “Mr. Girardi” (as she STILL calls him) frequented. One night, she slipped him her phone number and the two of them have now been married for 15 years. Oh, and Erika knows that you think she’s a gold digger and she doesn’t care. (Nor does she exactly dispute it.)
It seems that Erika has funneled a not insignificant share of Mr. Girardi’s money into what she calls her “alter-ego:” a dance “singer” named “Erika Jayne,” who has, no lie, recorded 8 number one songs on the Billboard dance charts. 8! That’s a lot of number one songs even if it is only the dance charts!
In this episode we get a glimpse of this “Erika Jayne” creature as she rehearses with her creative director. Things actually shouted at Erika Jayne as she goes through her dance routine:
“PAT THE PUSS, PAT THE PUSS!”
“CRAWL, KITTY CAT, MEOW!”
Oh, and she shoves herself into one of her performance outfits that is basically nothing more than a sock of black mesh with some strategically placed bits of black felt stitched onto it.
It’s going to be a long season.
Elsewhere, Eileen, Lisa Rinna and Kyle meet for drinks and to talk about Nicky Hilton’s wedding, Yoyawnda’s worsening health issues and how Kim Richards keeps breaking out of rehab — a subject that Kyle is NONE TOO KEEN ON DISCUSSING, THANKYOUVERYMUCH. It seems that even though Kim is no longer on the show, Kyle remains steadfastly protective of her sister’s sobriety (or lack thereof) issues, because the Richards sisters never accepted the fact that just because they were on a reality show, people would expect them to reveal their real lives. And though she turns a peculiar shade of green when Lisa Rinna and Eileen discuss Kim treating rehab like a suggestion rather than a condition of her probation, Kyle is more than happy to speculate that Yoyawnda is suffering from depression instead of Lyme Disease. Because that’s just fair. That’s totally cool.
So, remember how Lisa Vanderpump invited Lisa Rinna to join her on a trip to Ohio to pick up the world’s second smallest horse, Rosebud, whom she intends to give to Grandpa Ken for his birthday? It seems that not only does Lisa have Vanderfriends with their own Vandercopters, she also has Vanderfriends with their own Vanderjets, and these friends are like, “absolutely, you can take my private plane to fly to Columbus, Ohio to go pick up a miniature farm animal and fly it back in my plane, that just seems very practical and not at all messy, expensive and pointless.”
So the Lisas fly to Ohio, climb into a Vanderlimo, don cowboy hats for some reason and go to a miniature horse farm, where they meet Rosebud, the tutu-wearing miniature horse.
Lisa Vanderpump is Vandersmitten and ready to shove the miniature horse into the limo and fly it home. However, at one point when Lisa Rinna is running with Rosebud, Lisa Vanderpump notices that Rosebud’s gait looks … funny. Lopsided. Wrong. Lisa Vanderpump asks the breeder about it, but the breeder is like, “Eh, don’t worry about it, what could go wrong with a horse with a bad leg?” Lisa Vanderpump is Vanderskeptical.
After a quick call to Grandpa Ken in which she spoils her Vandersurprise, Lisa Vanderpump decides to not buy Rosebud after all, and so we just spent 18 hours of our lives in Columbus, Ohio for a whole lot of Vandernothing, a point that is not lost on an irritated Lisa Rinna.
Finally, it’s time for Grandpa Ken’s 170th birthday party, which involves everyone wearing white (because apparently Lisa Vanderstole Kyle’s party theme #sorrynotVandersorry) and donning giant Easter egg-colored hats. In addition to the usual suspects, Lisa Rinna, Kyle and Eileen, who else should be in attendance but Taylor and Camille (but not Brandi, Kim or La Maloof, because those Vanderbitches ARE CUT OFF).
And The Producers try to pretend that something Vanderhappens at the party, but really, nothing Vanderhappens. Sure, Taylor begins gossiping about Yoyawnda’s weird Instagram account, which to be fair, swings from this:
Back at work…….. #HyperbaricChamber #ChronicLymeDisease #DeterminedToFindACure A photo posted by YOLANDA (@yolandahfoster) on Jul 6, 2015 at 12:41pm PDT
It’s not not confusing. But Eileen, who happens to be sitting next to Taylor, decides that Taylor is trying to drag her into a whole discussion of Yoyawnda’s health which she is TOTALLY NOT COOL WITH, unless it’s with Kyle and Lisa Rinna over wine at some public bar. The point is, this is not a fight no matter how hard you try to make it a fight, Eileen. Try harder, girl.
Then Lisa gives a Vanderinappropriate toast to her husband, and it starts raining even though they are in Southern California, and everyone jumps into the pool, and then someone throws poor, brittle old Grandpa Ken into the shallow end, and everyone is like, “OH VANDERNO!” but he’s totally fine, the Vanderend.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8 p.m.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.