‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Tantric NOga

Bachelor in Paradise
August 3, 2015

HOUR THREE.

We begin with the arrival of Niña de Papa to Casa de Soltero. Niña comes armed with a date card and an interest in Cousin Max which is swiftly neutralized by the circle of pee Khaste Kardashian rings around him. Niña is also disappointed to learn that everyone else has pretty much already been claimed: Glitter Girl has taken Kirk; Tanner now belongs to Boobs McTrashShoes; Jonathan has apparently been hooking up with Other Widow; and Dansome is with Bloomin’ Onion who returns from the hospital to The Producers’ tremendous relief.

Niña, realizing that her options are reduced to Family First and Unemployed, cries about it to a bed crab. Because of course the beds are full of crabs. Of course they are.

do not google

The next morning, Family First invites Niña on a walk and basically begs her to take him on the date, and she’s like “Uh … … … fine. Why not. I guess.”

exasperated idris elba

And then Family First slobbers that he’s had a “fifth-grade crush” on Niña for some time now and he’s SO EXCITED to go on this date and HE HASN’T BEEN THIS HAPPY SINCE HE FIRST LEARNED ABOUT PROTEIN POWDER.

So they go to some resort where they find a couple doing sex yoga, thus beginning an entire montage of tantric nope. There are crystals and chakras and butt touching and the words “sexual parts” and NOPE. Nope nope nope. Nope.

george michael lie down arrested development defeated

After all of the nope, Family First and Niña go swimming in a cenote where Niña gently tries to warn Family First that she basically just took him on the date because she didn’t have any other options, and that this isn’t a “thing” now between them. Family First, whose head is filled with testosterone and meatballs, hears, “BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH THIS IS A THING KISS ME NOW,” and goes for it much to Niña de Papa’s displeasure. “NO, DUMMY,” she has to say, stopping him.

exasperated idris elba

And then Family First burbles in an interview that Niña is, like, totally into him, bro.

Back at Casa de Soltero, Tenley puts on a fancy dress because she thinks doing so will somehow guarantee her the next date card. It does not. Instead, the date card goes to Bloomin’ Onion who asks Dansome to join her. The two go into town for dinner. They like each other and whatever. It is very boring and no onions were involved. Or pomegranates.

Meanwhile, Tenley continues to freak out, having done the math and realizing that she is the odd woman out, especially now that Olivia Munn’s Black Box has bullied Unemployed into hanging out with her. So Tenley decides to roll the dice and chat up Cousin Max, because what does she have to lose? However, where Tenley has nothing to lose, Khaste Kardashian has EVERYTHING to lose, including her damn mind, and when she spies them just having a conversation, she begins to sob that she’s going to die alone and something about how she hates old ladies, and hates it when men are with “old ladies.”

For the record, Tenley is 31.

ice cube angry mad.gif

So, Khaste runs down to the beach and mumbles something incoherent about being on The Bachelor and how she misses “stealing” people, and would Tenley take her old self and go away now, please and thank you, because she is not going to lose 26-year-old Cousin Max to a SENIOR CITIZEN. And then Khaste burbles even more incoherently, somehow, at Cousin Max about feeling “awkward” and nervous around him. Cousin Max could not possibly care less.

And then based on nothing that we’ve seen, Khlamydia Kardashian declares that her sister deserves a man who will treat her like a woman, and who will treat her like a princess. Which, 1. no grown-ass woman should want to be “treated like a princess” because that’s just creepy and infantilizing but also 2. does she? But does she, though?

Finally we are off to our first rose ceremony and cocktail party, where the men have the advantage and will be choosing which Lady Rejects they want to keep around. And the only real question is to whom will Unemployed offer his rose: Olivia Munn’s Creepy Black Box or Grandma Tenley? Olivia Munn essentially puts Unemployed into a choke hold and screams in his face that HE IS GOING TO PICK HER OR ELSE SHE WILL GET ANGRY AND YOU DON’T WANT TO SEE HER WHEN SHE’S ANGRY. Grandma, on the other hand, tries a softer approach, climbs into Unemployed’s lap and carefully places her tongue in his mouth.

Meanwhile, Khaste Kardashian tries to lock down Cousin Max, only to have him wander off to tell Niña de Papa that he’s coming for her. “I’M COMIN’ FOR YOU, GIRL,” he says. So I guess he’s over Boobs McTrashShoes? I guess that’s not a thing that is happening anymore?

sansa-dont-care

But hey, I’ll give you three guesses as to Khaste Kardashian’s reaction when she realizes that Cousin Max is talking to another woman. Did you guess “crying?” Because the answer is “crying.”

And then Chris Harrison rounds up the human petri dishes so we can send one of them home for treatment:

Tanner offers his rose to Boobs McTrashShoes
Kirk offers his rose to Glitter Girl
Dansome offers his rose to Bloomin’ Onion
Jonathan offers his rose to Other Widow
Family First offers his “beefheart” rose to Niña de Papa
Cousin Max offers his rose to Khaste and Khlamydia Kardashian
Unemployed offers his rose to Grandma Tenely

Which means that Olivia Mann and her black box is our first double Bachelor Reject this season. Let’s hope she finally finds that store that carries clothing in her size once and for all.

JILLIAN ANDERSON

Bachelor in Paradise airs Sundays and Mondays at 7 p.m. on ABC. Saints and tequila preserve me.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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