‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Pack up the toolbox

Bachelor in Paradise
September 1, 2014

Another week, another rose ceremony, another attempt of The Producers and the Rejects trying to convince us that something “surprising” has happened at all. Oh, did Pepperoni Nipples give Lipstick a rose? CONTROVERSY! Did that Tool give Drunken Ann Romney his rose? SHOCKING! Never mind that Lipstick and Drunken Ann Romney each had a 66% chance of receiving a rose, and they were up against gross, gross, GROSS Dirty Feet, so their chances were actually even better than the sheer numbers suggest. You can tell me, Random Cast Member, that “a lot of people” are “shocked” to see Dirty Feet go home, but you can’t make me believe it.

Meanwhile, Michelle “OG Villianess” Money has her own problems: notably that CODY! thinks he’s IN LOVE! and HIS NEXT GIRLFRIEND IS GOING TO BE HIS WIFE! She takes him aside to suggest that they take things a little bit slower and CODY! HAS A SAD!

Texas Pole receives a date card that all but rolls its eyes and sighs, “We all know you’re going to take Triple Double Threat out already, just go on and do it.” And so of course he does, and he and Triple Double Threat climb down a rickety ladder — while wearing flip flops (NOPE!) — to an underground cave that they are instructed to swim through. And haha, guess what, the swimming cave is filled with terrifying bats. So many bats! ALL OF THE BATS! Boringly, neither Texas nor Triple Double Threat are bitten by a rabid bat and turned into a vampire. Instead, they swim past the bats through what had to have been a pool just filled with guano (so gross) and make it out the other side where they are met with margaritas. Which is a nice treat for having to swim through bat guano, certainly, but I get margaritas at least once a week, and I don’t have to swim through cave bats or their guano to do so.

There, safe from the bats and with margaritas in hand, Triple Double Threat finally tells Texas that she is in TV love with him, and not a moment too soon, lest The Producers try to wring any more drama out of this non-story.

Back at the treehouse, OG chooses that Tool of all people to complain to about CODY! taking things waaaay too fast for her. Additionally, CODY! just wants to “love on” her all the time, and she doesn’t like to be touched. Also, she’s not that attracted to waxed mesomorphs who throw boulders around to pass the time. And, she doesn’t know his last name. Tool advises her to dump CODY! which is, of course, the advice OG is looking for, but which she doesn’t act upon.

what are you waiting for

Hey, remember Mumbles? Bachelorette Princess Desiree fell in lurrrrve with Brooks “Mumbles” Forester, only to have him be like, “HEY, WHOA, WAIT, UH, NO, PLEASE? NO, THANK YOU? CAN I GO HOME NOW?” (but in a less enunciated fashion), and so she ended up settling for Mr. Second Best, that one guy who wrote the terrible poetry and made the terrible puns, whom she still claims she is going to marry. One of these days.

So Mumbles, he shows up here on the beach and Buster is like, “OH DAYUMN, I came here for Mumbles! Because he’s clearly just very good boyfriend material! But now I’ve got Human Directional all up in my business! What to do?” (Cry. Cry is what she chooses to do.)

But before Buster can do or say anything about her feelings or choices or simply act as her own agent, Human Directional and Pepperoni Nipples take Mumbles aside to explain who is coupled up with whom, and for Human Directional to pee a circle around Buster by informing Mumbles in no uncertain terms that if he asks her out, Human Directional “will kill him.” Welcome to Paradise, Mumbles! Hope you like death threats!

Mumbles, who had, in fact, been planning to ask Buster out, changes plans and asks Lipstick to go on the date with him, much to Pepperoni Nipples’ disappointment. Why didn’t he threaten Mumbles the moment he walked in? Why didn’t he pee a circle around Lipstick? he laments. REGRETS!

huge-mistake

So Lipstick and Mumbles go on their dinner date, where Mumbles doesn’t pay any attention to anything Lipstick is saying because BOOBS. They also play some foosball, because The Producers are running out of things for the Rejects to do.

Later, when they return from the date, Buster and Mumbles have some flirty time together and she’s like, “Welp, that’s it! I’m dumping Human Directional!” But when Buster returns to her room, she finds a note that Human Directional has written to her: “DO YOU LIKE ME? CHECK: YES ___ OR NO ____” And she decides that this is reason enough to not only not throw him over for Mumbles, but decide that she might actually be “falling in love” with him. Even though an hour earlier she totally was going to dump him.

Also changing their mind about dumping someone: OG. OG takes CODY! aside to explain that, “Hey, maybe telling me that you love me five minutes after meeting me is too fast! Maybe you’re freaking me out a little! How about not freaking me out so much!” and CODY! is all, “WE GO YOUR SPEED! CODY! RESPECT YOUR BOUNDARIES!” And that is all it takes for OG to find herself in a relationship with an overenthusiastic man-ape she was inches away from breaking up with moments ago.

latrice no

 

As for dumb, dumb, so dumb Drunken Ann Romney and that Tool, she’s busily burbling about how lucky she is to be with him, and how he’s potential boyfriend material, and how charming and good-looking he is, until OG takes her aside and is like, “Girl. No. He’s the worst, and here’s all the gross sexual stuff he’s been saying about you and Dirty Feet, and just, no. No, ma’am.” Drunken Ann Romney is genuinely shocked, somehow. Probably because she has been completely drunk the whole time.

And that’s when the final new guy walks up the beach, Tasos, a.k.a. “Franck Eggelhoffer,” that wedding planner dude from Andi’s season. Upon arrival, Franck asks to speak to OG, prompting everyone to make Incredible Hulk jokes about CODY! if Franck deigns to ask her out. Instead, OG instructs him to ask Drunken Ann Romney out on his date, and with a shrug and a sigh, he agrees, because what other option does he actually have. This makes Tool Very Unhappy, not because he actually likes Drunken Ann Romney, but, revealingly, because she has “all the power” in this upcoming rose ceremony, and he’s not ready to leave Paradise just yet.

So Franck (Or “Taco” as Tool keeps insisting on calling him. See: “Tool.”) and Drunken Ann Romney go on a boat ride through some nature reserve, where they are tossed overboard and force to swim for it. Along the way, they discuss why they are still single: “Because.” and “Nothing ever lasts.” Good conversation, everyone! They eventually make their way to a picnic lunch where they make unconvincing noises about how much they like the other.

Back at the beach, Lipstick and Mumbles play basketball while Pepperoni Nipples petulantly glowers over his nipples, until a date card arrives for him. He chooses Lipstick, because of course he chooses Lipstick. But what is actually interesting is CrazLee’s reaction to Pepperoni Nipples receiving the last date card: TEARS. CRYING. RENDING OF GARMENTS. WHY? WHY? WHY? GRAHAM NEVER EVEN RECEIVED A DATE CARD! AND NOW HE NEVER WILL! IT’S SO UNFAIR! IT’S ALL SOOOOO UNFAIRRRRRR! WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF GRAHAM?!!

Every single person there:

the offie eyeroll.gif

As for Pepperoni Nipples and Lipstick’s date, they also go to an underground cave, go swimming and make out, but they are not forced to swim in bat guano so they have that going for them. Lipstick calls it “the most amazing date” she’s been on so far. THANKS FOR RUINING THE SUSPENSE OF WHO YOU’LL BE GIVING YOUR ROSE TO, LIPSTICK. (J/K. I don’t care.)

Finally, FINALLY, FINALLYYYYYY!!! it’s time for the final pre-rose ceremony final cocktail party, where Mumbles mumbles that he wishes he had paradised a little earlier, and Tool shrugs that if he goes home tonight, that’s cool, he’s had an awesome time paradising if you know what he means, and I’m sure you do, brah. Tool then raises his glass in a toast to his fellow Paradisers, and tells them that he knows that when it’s all said and done, will be able to email or call any one of them and they’d be up to party with him, BEST BROS FOREVER!

Every single person there:

the offie eyeroll.gif

So, once Chris Harrison does his obligatory Chris Harrison thing, Mumbles and Pepperoni Nipples both try to woo Lipstick: Mumbles by painting her fingernails, Pepperoni Nipples by hypnotizing her with his pepperoni nipples tying a piece of string around her wrist.

As for the only other “available” rose — Drunken Ann Romney’s — there’s no question that she will be giving it to Franck, having finally learned that Tool is a tool. After explaining to the cameras that he’s not here to “start a relationship with a dumb blond,” but that “he’s not ready to go home yet,” Tool asks to speak to Drunken Ann Romney in one last laughable attempt to convince her to keep him around. His method?  He tells her that he really wanted to get to know her better, but she just wouldn’t let down her walls, and so maybe if she would just chill a little they could make this thing work. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. And to her credit, Drunken Ann Romney is like, “LOL, NOPE.” So Tool, figuring out that there is no way to manipulate his way into her rose (and into her “rose,” again) explains that he’s not a quitter, but that he’s quitting, KBYE.

Tool then marches out to the rest of the group and is all, “SMELL YA LATER, SUCKERS! TEXT ME, YOU GUYSSSSS!” before stomping off to the idling Pendejomobile.

MEANWHILE, Triple Double Threat and OG check in with Drunken Ann Romney, who laments that she didn’t have a chance to tell Tool off properly. So hoisting the “girl power” flag, the three women march over to the Pendejomobile and bang on the door. SORRY, TOOL, BUT YOU DON’T GET TO JUST BE A BIG COWARDLY COWARD AND JUST LEAVE.

In telling him off, Drunken Ann Romney focuses more on his toolishness of leaving before the rose ceremony, rather than focusing on his toolishness of hooking up with multiple women and then telling everyone about it. But OG and Triple Double Threat aren’t going to let him scurry off without hearing about it, and so they give him an earful while he just stares numbly and unblinkingly and thinking the whole time of all the boobs he is being denied by going home now. Realizing that he is not in the least bit remorseful, they shove him and “his toolbox”(Triple Double Threat™) back into the Pendejomobile, where he burbles to The Producers that when he gets home, he’s going to have “60 emails with names and numbers and invitations to parties and festivals,” because it’s not only the women who are deranged on this God-forsaken series.

delusional

JESSE KOVAKS

That bit of nastiness out of our lives, Chris Harrison returns and orders everyone to line up, it’s time for the ladies to hand out roses.

  • Triple Double Threat offers her rose to Texas; he accepts. OBVIOUSLY.
  • CrazLee offers her rose to Graham; he accepts. OBVIOUSLY.
  • Buster offers her rose to Human Directional; he accepts. OBVIOUSLY.
  • OG offers her rose to CODY!; he accepts. OBVIOUSLY.
  • Drunken Ann Romney offers her rose to Franck; he accepts. OBVIOUSLY.
  • Lipstick offers her rose to Pepperoni Nipples; he accepts. OBVIOUSLY.

Which means time to go home, Mumbles. Go home and work on your commitment issues, dude.

BROOKS

But we’re not quite done here, as Chris Harrison has some Big News for our Rejects: tonight was the last rose ceremony, there are no more date cards, and there are no more new arrivals. EVERYTHING IS ABOUT TO CHANGE IN PARADISE.

cersei_more-wine_game-of-thrones

Read: All fantasy suites, all the time.

cersei-screaming-internally

Bachelor in Paradise airs 7 p.m. Mondays on ABC. Make sure you are current on all of your shots before viewing.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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