‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Panic attacks

Bachelor in Paradise
August 27, 2014

Last we left him, Graham had just learned that his TV girlfriend, CrazLee, was a puta towards Niña de Papá and was stumbling away from the rose ceremony, just as CrazLee was offering him her rose. Graham is trailed not by a concerned CrazLee, but by Michelle “OG Villainess” Money who pets his back and offers to fetch him some water as he explains that he was growing clammy and losing his eyesight. OG then earnestly explains to us that Graham is having an anxiety attack over learning that his crazy TV girlfriend is completely crazy and awful. Except that this isn’t the case at all? Because once he towels off and calms down, he returns and accepts CrazLee’s rose? So maybe it was just a case of Montezuma’s Revenge, or just some simple food poisoning? Maybe Graham shouldn’t have eaten that queso that was left out all night for breakfast?

And I’m no doctor, but my diagnosis seems to be supported when in the background Triple Double Threat begins turning an alarming shade of gray, yells that she has to vomit and goes running into the jungle. AH, but see, I am not a physician, and I am wrong because Triple Double Threat later explains that watching Graham choose to be with someone so undeserving of him as CrazLee made her literally sick to her stomach, and THAT’S why she had to be taken to the hospital for overnight observation and intravenous fluids, and not because she had a drink with ice cubes on her date with Texas the previous night. But sure, it’s CrazLee’s crazy that is making everyone vomit on camera, and not the typhoid. We’ll stick with that.

BACK TO THE ROSE CEREMONY, Chris Harrison declares, herding the dummies back into order.

  • OG offers her rose to CODY!; he ACCEPTS!
  • Buster offers her rose to Human Directional; he accepts.
  • Lipstick offers her rose to that new tool, Jesse; he accepts.

Which means that Kalon Dru-Zod is sent back to his home planet, Houston, not that he cares:

f-you tina fey


And Cookie Monster is sent back to Sesame Street. But since he’s too nice to call a pendejo, we’ll just leave on this note:

cookie monster cookies


The next morning, a blonde creature comes sauntering up the beach revealing herself to be Christy from Juan Pablo’ season. For some reason, I had dubbed her “Angry Kate McKinnon Character” after the talented Saturday Night Live comedian, but for the life of me I’m not sure where, exactly, I came up with that, as she’s here she is perfectly adorable and doesn’t seem either angry or particularly comical at the moment.

kate mckinnon sneer
Not seeing the resemblance, exactly.

So Angry Kate McKinnon Character, whose name to save my sanity we might just have to shorten to “Christy,” explains to us that she met Pepperoni Nipples back in Los Angeles and that she has her sights squarely set on him. But before she can ask him to join her on her date, Buster takes her aside and is like, “Dude, don’t. Niña de Papá will CUT YOU.” That doesn’t stop “Christy,” though, who asks Pepperoni Nipples out anyway, and he’s like, “I totally would, but I’m afraid that Niña de Papá might just slit my throat in my sleep, so I’m going to have to take a pass.” It was the safest thing for everyone, honestly.

And then Niña de Papá, who had slept through “Christy’s” arrival learns that “Christy” is somewhere on campus, hitting on her new TV boyfriend and does what anyone would do with a toddler who is playing with something inappropriate: she redirects “Christy’s” attention by introducing her to that tool, Jesse. “Christy” looks him over, and is like, “yeah, sure, that’ll work, whatever,” and asks him to join her on her date. And the Tool, he’s not the type going to turn down anyone a leggy blond that shows up on his doorstep asking him to hang out with her.

The two drive to the charming colonial town of Valladolid, where they wander the streets looking for tequila, which they find. WOOOOO! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! They then sit down over a beer and discuss “Christy’s” troubling string of cheating ex-boyfriends, and how her most recent relationship ended when she found a bra that did not belong to her in her now-ex’s bed. Tool, impressed by this story, nods approvingly at “Christy’s” ex’s cojones, which alarms “Christy” for all of about two seconds before she decides that Tool is “honest” and “not manipulative,” thereby explaining “Christy’s” remarkable luck in her romantic life.

Back at Playa del Cholera, Buster receives a date card and invites Human Directional to join her, so BUCKLE IN, EVERYONE, IT’S GONNA BE EXCITING!!! The two also go to Valladolid to save on crew costs, where they enjoy long awkward silences over dinner, before enjoying long awkward silences in a swimming pool. SO ROMANTIC. A LOVE FOR THE AGES.

Meanwhile, at the treehouse, CODY! is busily bench pressing OG, standing on his head and painting her toenails, so excited that he found someone who is willing to pay attention to him. Triple Double Threat shakes her head disapprovingly, worried that CODY! is trying too hard, a point that OG also tries, gently, to make to CODY! However, this is what CODY! hears:


At some point during the evening, “Christy” and that Tool return from their tequila date, and decide to KEEP THE PARTY GOING, WOOOOOO! and proceed to drink all of the alcohol and exchange bodily fluids in the pool. Turn down for what, indeed. 

“Christy’s” return sparks Niña de Papá to wonder to Pepperoni Nipples if it’s going to be awkward around “Christy” since, you know, she’s a huge slutty slut who tried to slut on Niña de Papá’s TV boyfriend when she KNEW Pepperoni Nipples was Niña de Papá’s TV boyfriend. And Pepperoni Nipples is like, “I don’t know why it would be weird, and by the way, just because things are super awesome between us physically, like, I don’t know if this is a real relationship or what and maybe we should just keep our options open, cool?”

BUT NO IT IS NOT COOL, IT IS NOT COOL AT ALL, and Niña de Papá, suddenly hit with some powerful Juan Pablo flashbacks, stomps away sobbing into the jungle to find that raccoon to yell at some more. SHE DID NOT COME HERE FOR THIS! THIS IS NOT FUN FOR HER! ALL OF THE DRAMA, SHE CAN NOT HANDLE IT! IT MAKES NO SENSE! SHE IS HAVING A PANIC ATTACK ON NATIONAL TV AND IS GOING TO LOOK LIKE A FOOL ALL OVER AGAIN SHE WANTS TO GO HOME. NOW.

drama-queen jenna 30

Her mind made up to leave, Niña de Papá returns to the treehouse and packs her bags and tells the only people still awake, Graham and OG, that she is leaving now, per the drama, which as she explained to the raccoon, she did not come here for. Niña de Papá then storms into Pepperoni Nipples’ room where he is in a dead sleep, and begins yelling that SHE IS LEAVING NOW, GOODBYE. Pepperoni Nipples, realizing that he just woke up in a whole mess of crazy, gets out of bed, pats her on the head, tells her that every second with her has been “unbelievable” — which is one word for it — and then shoves her into the Pendejomobile and out of his life forever, good riddance to bad crazy.

In the Penedejomobile, Niña de Papá explains that she is tired of being hurt and tired of these feelings and she just wants something good in her life and she just wants to be happy and that’s why she just wanted to do Dancing with the Stars instead of this. And with that, Niña de Papá exits “Clare-a-dise” in a cloud of snot and self-delusion.


The next morning, the next new woman arrives — or rather skips — into the treehouse: ol’ Dirty Feet Lucy herself. Dirty Feet, who was also on Juan Pablo’s season, claims to be “Christy’s” best friend, not that this stops her from stripping completely naked to ask that Tool to come with her on her date. And the Tool, he’s not the type going to turn down anyone a naked brunette who is asking him to hang out with her.

In yet another waste of a cultural date on the Tool, the two have the entire Chichen Itza ruins to themselves, prompting one of my viewing companions to note how FURIOUS he would be had he planned and saved for a trip to Mexico, only to be told that he couldn’t go see the Mayan ruins that day because they were filming the Bachelor there. It’s a fair point.

Back at Playa del Mezcal, “Christy” salves her wounded ego with alcohol, while OG receives the next date card. She and CODY! are driven to a resort in Tulum where they meet with a wedding coordinator who explains that they will be doing a photo shoot on the beach. CODY! burbles excitedly that CODY! LIKE PICTURES! CODY! LIKE OG! OG BE CODY! WIFE ONE DAY! CODY! SO LUCKY TO BE WITH OG! all the while OG gives him some serious side-eye.

After taking a series of engagement-style photos, the photographer instructs them to go inside for a costume change where OG finds a wedding dress waiting for her because of course she finds a wedding dress waiting for her, has she never seen any of these shows before? This does not prevent OG from FREAKING. OUT. The combination of CODY! being ready to drop on one knee and OG having previously been married makes her break out in hives at the mere sight of the dress, much less the idea of putting it on and posing for pictures with CODY!

But she gets over herself, and puts on the stupid dress and goes down to the beach and takes the dumb pictures with CODY!, all the while screaming at passers-by that THIS IS NOT REAL! and THIS IS ALL FAKE! and THEY ARE NOT GETTING MARRIED! just to make sure those strangers (and CODY!) don’t get the wrong idea, because God forbid some tourists from Tacoma think otherwise.

Back at Playa del Aren’t We Done Here Yet? CrazLee receives a date card and she and Graham go and drive Audis on a race track. And the whole thing is stupid boring and not even worth mentioning except for the part where Graham compares driving a car to being in a relationship with CrazLee which might be one of the more misogynistic things to happen on this season, I’m not even exaggerating. NOPE, GRAHAM. COMPARING A WOMAN TO A CAR IS NOT A GOOD METAPHOR. STOP. STOP THAT.

Meanwhile, Texas tells Triple Double Threat that he loves her, and she’s like, “Super.” And “Christy” continues to attempt to drink her self-esteem back up to a manageable level, while explaining to us that everyone is paired up and it sucks and no one is even drinking, WHY WON’T THEY DRINK, and I realize, suddenly, that it’s not an Angry Kate McKinnon Character that she resembles, but more of a Drunken or Delusional Kate McKinnon Character, Namely Ann Romney:

christy drunk
Cool sunburn.

kate mckinnon ann romney.gif

After a quick game of “What’s in Your Pants,” Tool and Dirty Feet return from their date, and pass tequila shots out to the rest of the Rejects gathered around the bonfire, which is EXACTLY what Drunken Ann Romney needed. After shooting the worm, Drunken Ann Romney decides she’s not going to lose Tool to some “free spirit” with a clothing allergy, and she begins asking him about his date with Dirty Feet. He explains that he only went out with her because he didn’t want to hurt Dirty Feet’s feelings and it had nothing to do with her showing him all of her business, of course not, he’s not that kind of guy. WHAT A GREAT GUY! says Drunken Ann Romney, YOU’RE A TROOPER! A SUPER TROOPER! And the two of them retreat to her room where the night-vision cameras unfortunately capture everything, including Dirty Feet slipping into their room with them, GROSS, NO, GROSS. THAT’S ENOUGH. TIME FOR EVERYONE TO GO HOME NOW.

i'm dead inside

Finally, this 19-hour episode comes to a close with another rose ceremony, this time with the men handing out roses to the women. After some pre-ceremony cocktails and conversation, and a sad attempt on Dirty Feet’s part to undermine Drunken Ann Romney’s place in Tool’s affections (or whatever thing it is that resembles affection in the tiny black jellybean that is Tool’s heart) by trying to tell him that Drunken Ann Romney didn’t realize that she was hooking up with Tool — which is just a very plausible story — Chris Harrison brings the dummies back out to learn their fates.

  • Human Directional offers his rose to Buster; she accepts.
  • Graham continues to offer his rose to CrazLee for some reason; she accepts.
  • CODY! offers “all of [his] roses” to OG; she accepts with a roll of the eyes.
  • Texas offers his rose to Triple Double Threat; she accepts with a long, lingering kiss that bores everyone else.
  • Pepperoni Nipples offers his rose to Lipstick; she accepts.
  • Tool offers his rose to Drunken Ann Romney; she accepts.

Which means Dirty Feet is free to go home and wash her feet and think about her life choices.


Bachelor in Paradise airs 7 p.m. Mondays on ABC. Make sure you are current on all of your shots before viewing.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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