Bachelor in Paradise
September 8, 2014
Prep the buckets of bleach and be ready with the matches, the first season of Bachelor in Paradise is coming to a close and we have to clear out this set before it becomes an international health emergency (more of an international health emergency). Last week, (or the day before in taping time) Chris Harrison left the Rejects with some cryptic words about how EVERYTHING. IS. GOING. TO. CHANGE. which sounds very exciting and like The Producers have some sort of plan. SPOILER ALERT! They have no real plan, unless “Fantasy Suites” are a plan, which they are not.
So, once the roses have been dumped into the compost pile, and all the non-matchupable “playas” sent home in the Pendejomobile, we are left with 6 couples of 12 Rejects: Texas and
Triple Double Threat; Graham and CrazLee; OG and CODY!; Lipstick and Pepperoni Nipples; Buster and Human Directional; and Drunken Ann Romney and that other guy, what’s his name again? Franck?
Chris Harrison gathers the Rejects together and is like, “Look, here’s the dealie: no date cards, no new people, no roses. It’s time to road test these relationships, and it’s going to get serious up in here. So if you’re not ready to date these people in the real world, pack up your junk and get into the Pendejombile. And on that vague note, CHRIS HARRISON OUT.”
For some reason, the Rejects split themselves up along gender lines and stare at one another and talk in broad terms about where they think their relationships stand. Buster is worried about Human Directional’s feelings towards her! Lipstick just isn’t sure about the pepperonishness of those nipples! CODY! CONFUSED! CODY! NO KNOW WHAT OG FEEL! OG is thinking with her “head” and not her “heart” and WHAT ABOUT HER DAUGHTER!
Not worried: CrazLee, who goes on and on and ON about how Graham challenges her to be a better woman and she just wants to be deserving of his love and her only goal is his happiness, etc. OG, however, is NOT BUYING IT, decides she’s had just about enough of that, and marches right over to the men’s treehouse looking for Graham.
There, OG tells him that she doesn’t think CrazLee is genuine; that CrazLee is not here for Graham, but just to be on the show; and that Graham needed to break up with CrazLee, like, yesterday. While I don’t disagree with any of this, it’s all a little too vague to be particularly convincing, which is why when Graham is like, “You make some excellent points, I’m going to go break up with her post-haste,” it seems … disingenuous? None of these are points that weren’t made to Graham a couple of rose ceremonies ago when he nearly died of the tourista — I’m sorry, I mean, “anxiety” over his relationship with CrazLee — so why is it only now when there is no more free vacation to be had that Graham is suddenly listening to OG’s advice and cutting off the crazy at the knees?
BUT WHATEVER. The point is, Graham asks to speak to CrazLee and tells her that while Mexico is super cool, he can’t say he’s in love with her and he’s just not convinced that there is a “them” outside of these treehouses. And, so, in conclusion: ¡Adios! ¡Adios, Crazy Chica! Graham no le gustas, time to go home.
CrazLee accepts this with a weird sense of calm, only trying to convince him that this is a mistake once, before heading back to the lady treehouse. There, she pauses for a moment for a little self-pity weeping, before packing her crap and getting into the Pendejomobile to head back to the suburbs of Houston. “I WAS THE LUCKY ONE, BECAUSE HE LIKED MEEEEEEE,” she sobs in the Penedjomobile. Sure he did, honey, sure he liked you and didn’t just put up with you and your crazy possessiveness as a means to stay at a swanky Mexican resort for free for three weeks.
Which means that the fiesta is over for Graham, too, so he says his goodbyes to everyone and tries to act like he’s really, really sad that it didn’t work out with CrazLee, but he’s fooling no one.
With those two gone, two of the other couples, Drunken Ann Romney and Franck, and Lipstick and Pepperoni Nipples, look at each other and are like, “Yeah, it’s been cool and all, but: no, please.”
¡Adios! ¡Adios, sweet, sweet dummies! ¡And take your giant nipples with you!
Meanwhile, OG is still uncertain what, exactly, she is going to do about CODY! and compares it to “literally a gun” being pointed at her head.
So OG calls her 9-year-old daughter for advice on basically whether or not to sleep with this muscle-faced stranger, as you do, and her daughter is like, “Hey, if he’s nice to you, why not, right?” Armed with her daughter’s permission, OG sighs heavily and decides to just go for it.
Chris Harrison returns and is like, “Now that we’ve separated the chaff from the wheat, your real challenge is … The Fantasy Suite!” And everyone is like “
OH THANK GOODNESS WE DON’T HAVE TO GET ENGAGED HOORAY, FANTASY SUITES!” Which, of course Fantasy Suites. The Producers didn’t invest in all these rubber gloves and barrels of industrial bleach just for them to go to waste. But it begs the question: what did all those people who left early think was going to happen? We all knew it was going to be Fantasy Suites, right? Because, listen, the cameras aren’t in the Fantasy Suites, so even if you aren’t really into each other, there’s nothing from stopping the two of you from breaking into the minibar and watching a bunch of HBO and not getting physical at all. Maybe I enjoy a fancy hotel suite more than the average person, but I’d happily hang out with my worst enemy if it were in a big schmancy hotel room with a private pool.
And so, Buster — who tells us that she “watched overnight dates on TV” growing up, and knows how “romantic” they are, which just makes me weep for this country for so many reasons — heads into her Fantasy Suite with Human Directional, hoping that he will “go there” and “dig deep.”
As for OG, she has her own worries about the Fantasy Suites; notably that men as big as CODY! aren’t exactly known for being big everywhere if you know what I mean, and I know that you do. But maybe “it” is muscular, too, she hopefully adds.
And Texas Pole and
Triple Double Threat are all, FINALLY! LET’S DO THIS THING! Triple Double Threat apparently tells Texas that she loves him for the first time in their Fantasy Suite, even though I could have sworn she told him she loved him after the bat poop cave? But maybe she just said she was “falling” in love with him at the bat poop cave? And OH MY GOD, I DON’T CARE, WHY AM I EVEN WORRYING ABOUT THIS.
The point is, everyone Fantasy Suites, bodily fluids are shared. ~shudder~
The next morning, everyone reconvenes at the treehouse, some more enthusiastically than others. At first Buster is all, “It was terrific! We really needed last night! It was perfect! We’re so lucky!” But when Texas and
Triple Double Threat come in with beatific, satisfied smiles on their faces and hickeys on their necks, and OG comes bursting in declaring that she is “SORE AND SATISFIED” …
… Buster revisits her own Fantasy Suite experience, and finds it lacking. Maybe it was when Human Directional didn’t want to take a bath with her and claimed the jets were broken, or maybe it was when he didn’t touch her below the neck the entire night, or maybe it was when she came back from the bathroom and found Human Directional with the lights off, already asleep (or “asleep” as the case most certainly was), or maybe it was when she got into bed with him and discovered he “fell asleep” WITH HIS JEANS STILL ON (!!!!) but Buster is suddenly realizing that maybe she and Human Directional didn’t have the same sort of emotional and physical connection as the other couples, and that maybe this “relationship” isn’t actually going anywhere. Ever.
So Buster takes Human Directional aside and is like, “Yeah, so, this isn’t going anywhere. Bye.” And he’s all, “WHAAAA? Where is this coming from?” And Buster has to be like, “Oh, I don’t know, maybe from the part where YOU WORE YOUR JEANS TO BED LAST NIGHT. OK GOODBYE.”
The two pack their bags and prepare to leave and Buster begins second-guessing her choice, but GURL. HE WORE HIS JEANS TO BED.
Human Directional, meanwhile, seems genuinely shocked that Buster dumped him, and talks about how his best was not enough and he begins crying?
Ugh. Go home and spin some signs and get over yourself, Human Directional.
As for you, Buster, go meet some nice boys who don’t hang out on reality shows. Don’t let me find out that you got Mumbles’ phone number from The Producers.
Finally, Chris Harrison has the last two couples remaining meet him at the main treehouse, where he has them visit with a few successful Bachelor couples: Dallas Sean and New Age Girl; that Jason Guy and his Wife Whatsheranme “Second Choice,” I think?; and Princess Desiree and Big Pun. So, you can thank The Producers’ need to prove that Princess Desiree and Big Pun are still together for the reason you never had a chance in “Paradise,” Mumbles; because had you actually managed to make it all the way to the finale, past the Fantasy Suites and to this stage? Boy howdy, you talk about awkward.
Anyway, the “bona fide” Bachelor couples meet these new pairs to test them on how strong their relationships really are by asking them such deep questions as “What’s your partner’s favorite animal?” and “What is your partner’s favorite food?” and “What’s your favorite body part?” ENLIGHTENING.
Satisfied that these couples “seem real” and are here “for the right reasons” (NEVER FORGET) because each partner knows which professional sport the other one likes best (which is the sort of thing they ask before granting marriage licenses, true fact) Texas and
Triple Double Threat, and OG and CODY! are blessed by the Real Bachelor Couples. They are then allowed permission to move on to the next stage of this dumb show: MORE ROSES, also known as The Rose Ceremony That Chris Harrison Specifically Said Was Not Going to Happen Not Two Hours Ago.
And so CODY! offers OG his rose, explaining that CODY! NO KNOW WHAT CODY! EXPECT ON THE BEACH THE FIRST DAY, BUT NOW CODY! LOVE OG. CODY! WANT TO MEET OG DAUGHTER! YAY, CODY! OG accepts his rose. OG then offers her rose to CODY! after saying that no man has ever made her feel so loved, and that he is the sugar to her spice.
CODY! ACCEPT OG ROSE! YAY, CODY!
As for Texas Pole and
Triple Double Threat, they approach the rose stand, but then Texas asks if he can have a moment alone with Triple Double Threat. The two head outside to the patio, where he babbles something incoherent about true love before dropping to one knee and pulling out an engagement ring and proposing to this woman he met THREE WEEKS AGO, which, of course he does. OF COURSE HE DOES. And she says yes, because of course she does.
Chris Harrison and OG and CODY! and all the rest watch from the balcony and “WOOOOOO!!!” when she says yes, as if this stupidity should be encouraged and as if any of this is real at all.
And with that (and the perfunctory exchange of roses, because engagement ring, schengagement ring, WE ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE UNTIL ROSES ARE ACCEPTED), we are done with the first season of Bachelor in Paradise. Hallelujah and pass the hand sanitizer.
Hey! What happened after Paradise? Funny you should ask! Check out the gallery below to find out:
Bachelor in Paradise aired 7 p.m. Mondays on ABC. It will be returning next summer.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.