The Real Housewives of New Jersey
Reunion, Part 3
October 14, 2012
Oh, bambini. This is a long one. I am warning you right now, this is such a loooong recap. There was just so much to get through: accusations of strippering, admissions of strippering, multiple threats of assault, Andy Cohen stirring the pot and then yelling at people to stop stirring the pot lest Teresa flip him like a maledizione table, Kim D. So much! So I apologize in advance to your eyeballs: Mi dispiace! But look at it this way, you pour yourself a big glass of box wine, read this one last long entry, and then we are finito. Our Sunday nights belong to us again. And we don’t have to think about these dimwitted goombahs and their stupido fights over sprinkle cookies and KFC again. At least for several months.
Andy Cohen begins the third AND FINAL part of the reunion by asking Caroline about this comment: “Prediction: Something may happen where someone has to go somewhere. Teresa’s going to have to pull herself up on her bootstraps and take over. She’ll say, ‘You know what, I tried. I stood by him, but I have to divorce him now. And I’m gonna show my daughters what it’s like to be strong and independent on your own and survive.'”
Caroline sighs and offers to break down the statement: it was a hypothetical… let’s say she divorces him. Which: 1. No, Caroline, you were not making a hypothetical statement, you were making a PREDICTION. IT’S RIGHT THERE IN THE BEGINNING OF YOUR STATEMENT. and 2. Why are you backing away from this? YOU WERE RIGHT. THIS IS AN ACCURATE PREDICTION. DON’T WALK IT BACK NOW.
Meatball grunts that Caroline is a know-it-all, which she is, and what she knows is that the Meatball’s marriage, it is a disaster. Not that she’s saying that. She keeps insisting that her comment had nothing to do with il Meatball’s marriage, that it was more about how Teresa likes to take sensitive subject matters to the press, but come on. COME ON. Even Meatball can see through this equivocation, nice try.
Teresa focuses on the wrong thing, as per usual, and takes offesa at the idea that she sells her personal issues to the tabloids. Which she does. This is incontrovertible. The other women snip that they, too, have been approached by the press for stories, because of course they have, but they have turned the offers away because they are not publicity puttane, merely reality television stars.
Andy Cohen asks Meatball if Caroline’s story bothered him, and he grunts of course it didn’t, what does Meatball look like? Come on, Andy Cohen. Andy Cohen then asks Meatball about saying in Napa that they had a contract with In Touch, and Meatball’s little meatball brain just stops. Completely stops. He don’t remember, Andy Cohen. Jacqueline begins taunting him from the Manzo couch, yelling at him to remember what he had rehearsed, remember his lines, which Point: Jacqueline.
Teresa lashes back at Jacqueline that at least she controls her own denaro, unlike Jacqueline who has to ask Chris Laurita for denaro, like the time she had to ask him for $100. (To which I’m sympathetic, as I live a cashless existence, and often have to ask my husband for five bucks if I know I am going to be facing a valet. Ooh, I hate valet parking … especially when there is a perfectly fine parking lot where I can park myself THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I SHAKE MY FIST AT YOU, VALET PARKING.) Anyway, Meatball yells at Kathy for some reason, who knows, and then barks at Jacqueline that she can eat her denaro, which, OK? Sure? I suppose that’s a comeback?
Andy Cohen then plays the Meatball’s No Denaro, Mo’ Problems montage, before asking Meatball what the status is with the license case. Meatball deflects to his avvocato, as you do, but Andy Cohen keeps pressing him: is Meatball nervous about going to meatball prison? NO. But Meatball is accused of using his fratello, Porchetta’s identity to get a license, sì? Listen, Andy Cohen, if Meatball wanted to, he could just take Porchetta’s license, yous know? Meatball didn’t need to go down to the DMV and all that. As his avvocato says, yous can indict a prosciutto sandwich. Andy Cohen notes that the chief assistant prosecutor on the case thinks that he has a strong case against Meatball, and that it’s kinda a big deal, what with 9/11 and issues of national security and identity and driving while pretending to be a Porchetta which can be VERY DANGEROUS. Andy Cohen adds that Meatball was offered a plea deal, and Meatball responds that his avvacato told them what they could do with it (sleep with the fishes, vaffanculo, etc.). Andy Cohen points out that Meatball could spend 10 years in meatball prison, does that scare them? Teresa says that they will cross that bridge when they get to it, and no, they have not told il meatballini anything about it.
Andy Cohen then notes that he first heard about Meatball’s problems legali in In Touch, so what’s the difference between Teresa talking about Meatball’s potential meatball prison time in a magazine and discussing it on the show? Teresa responds that she asked her famiglia to not discuss it on the show. Which is not an answer. Melissa insists that Teresa never asked them to not discuss it before pointing out the hypocrisy that it’s fine for Teresa to get paid the denaro to talk about it, but not alright for anyone else to mention it on camera. Teresa just thought, yous know, that she’d get a little respect, and that they can’t talk about cases legali. Jacqueline reminds her that TERESA TALKED ABOUT IT IN A NATIONAL MAGAZINE, but Teresa just keeps screaming that she asked her famiglia not to talk about it. Because, logic. Melissa insists that they were just concerned about Teresa, which Teresa scoffs at, and Meatball assures Melissa that they don’t need help from yous people.
Andy Cohen and the entire viewing audience is unsure what the difference is between talking about Meatball’s problems legali in print versus on camera, and Teresa screams at him AM I TALKING THE CHINESE? I ASKED MY FAMIGLIA NOT TO BRING IT UP ON THE SHOW.
這不是一個答案，鄧麗君。
Melissa points out that she didn’t want her famiglia to call her a stripper or una cercatore d’oro on the show, either, BUT SOMETIMES YOU DON’T GET WHAT YOU WANT. Meatball shrugs, and grunts, So what who cares if yous was a stripper, which, for some reason, enrages Jacqueline who begins screaming at him about claiming that Chris Laurita told him that he met Jac in Vegas as a stripper. Yeah, sure, when he was engaged to someone else, continues Meatball. WRONG, NO, HE MET JACQUELINE IN CHICAGO AT A TRADE SHOW. However, the part where Chris Laurita was engaged to someone else (or the part where Jacqueline was a stripper) is never addressed. Whatever, yous husbands are all Momos, Meatball retorts.
Momo: A generic insult used to describe someone who is irritating annoying or an idiot; nickname of the great one; someone who is fun to be around; the quintessential essence of a woman; the Japanese word for peaches; a shortened word for “motel.”
I’m going to go with Japanese word for peaches.
Andy Cohen welcomes the rest of the husbands: Folletto; Jeff Goldblum, Jr. Chris Laurita, but no (Formerly Fat) Albert Manzo. He’s working a wedding at the Brownstone, explains Caroline, plus he had no interest in revisiting his “Is there now, or has there ever been a Kentucky Fried Chicken at Ewing Ave. and route 208” bus fight with Meatball (NEVER FIGHT WITH THE LOCATION OF A KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN WITH ALBERT MANZO, MEATBALL. HE KNOWS OF WHAT HE SPEAKS.). Andy Cohen introduces the wacky husbands montage. Wacky husbands are wacky.
Andy Cohen notes that Folletto and Meatball had moments this season in which they appeared to not only get along, but have a good time together, what happened? Folletto sadly explains that they all grew up together and were as tight as famiglia, but then something snapped in Meatball, and he started hating Folletto. Folletto writes it off to his success, but Meatball explains that actually he loaned Folletto an expensive tool, Folletto never returned it, and now they are all on national television screaming at one another about In Touch magazine.
Andy Cohen asks Folletto why it is that he is constantly swinging his little folletto around, and Folletto brags that if yous got it, yous got to show it. Andy Cohen notes that whether or not Folletto actually has “it” is debatable. A viewer then invites Folletto to take a tip in his man pond, which Folletto good-naturedly laughs off, before agreeing that he is geigh-friendly, as they are the “funnest” people to be around. (And “Funnest” is NOT AN ADJECTIVE, but I’ll let it slip this one time, Folletto, because I agree with the sentiment. JUST THIS ONCE, THOUGH.)
As for you, Jeff Goldblum, Jr. a viewer would like you to acknowledge how inappropriate you are with the walking around with the little goldblum at attention and talking about Kathy’s ladybits AND JUST NO TO ALL OF THIS, STOP AND PUT ON SOME PANTS. Jeff Goldblum, Jr. argues that it’s natural, get over it. Kathy adds that little goldblum is her morning alarm clock. PLEASE STOP THIS, ALL OF YOU, PLEASE. IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU SUDDENLY INTERESTING, JUST GROSS.
Andy Cohen, THANKFULLY, stops talking about the men’s genitals and asks Folletto if it helped or hurt his relationship with his sorella to be on the show, and Folletto responds that the relationship was ruined before the show, that Teresa was already not speaking to him. Teresa denies that they ever went without speaking, and Folletto elaborates that they had issues before the show and that perhaps they joined the cast to get closer to her. HA! Teresa barks.
Chris Laurita decides to bring some of the patented Laurita reasonableness to the matter, and tell Andy Cohen that he had a conversation with Folletto about his and Teresa’s childhood, in which he only had nice things to say about her. YEA, Teresa snips, We were real close like yous and Dina. Chris Laurita calmly responds that he loves Dina, but that they don’t have the best relationship right now. But that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t be there for her if she needed him.
Back to Folletto and Teresa: Chris Laurita knows that something happened along the way in their relationship, and Teresa snaps, FOLLETTO’S WIFE. Melissa corrects Teresa, that no, it’s the way Teresa treats Folletto’s wife. Melissa protests that she’d never done anything to Teresa or her famiglia. OH REALLY? HOW ABOUT WHEN YOU TALKED TO OL’ SQUARE BOOBS? LOOK WHO HAS SUDDENLY GOT GRANDE COGLIONI NOW THAT HER HUSBAND IS HERE? Wait, what? Because I don’t really remember Melissa being timid in the previous two hours with Teresa? What are you talking about, Teresa?
Andy Cohen asks Folletto if he will step up and help Teresa in the event that Meatball is sent to meatball prison, and Teresa begins yelling at her brother for talking about Meatball’s case on television. HOW DARE HE. Meatball grunts that they don’t need il Follettos’ help, as Melissa snips that they shouldn’t put things in magazines if they don’t want people to talk about it. TERESA IS NOT TALKING TO YOUS, MELISSA. SHE IS TALKING TO HER BROTHER. MELISSA IS TAKING TERESA’S BROTHER AWAY FROM HER. Nope, argues Melissa, you’re the one doing it. OH YEAH, WHO’S THE ONE MOVING THEIR KIDS AWAY? Teresa then warns Melissa that Karma is una puttana, and Melissa replies that it will bite Teresa hard.
Meatball decides now is a good time to imply that Folletto met Melissa as a stripper, which leads to a lot of veiny screaming on Folletto’s part. Whatever, Meatball, Folletto finally declares. I laugh at you everyday in the newspaper, you bum. You’re the bum; no, you’re the bum; no, you’re the bum. Repeat.
Jacqueline decides to bring the conversation back to Jacqueline and tells Chris Laurita that Meatball claimed Chris Laurita told him that he met Jacqueline when she was a Vegas stripper. NO, I MET HER IN CHICAGO AT A TRADE SHOW, Chris Laurita insists. Kathy attempts to sneak into the conversation and ask Meatball why he would say such a thing when Chris Laurita wasn’t there, and Meatball tells her to GO SCRATCH, which is still one of my favorite expressions ever, yes.
Andy Cohen helpfully clarifies this argument that DOES NOT NEED CLARIFICATION: So, let Andy Cohen get this straight, Meatball’s accusation is that Chris Laurita met Jacqueline as a stripper in Las Vegas. THANKS, ANDY COHEN. THAT IS VERY HELPFUL, ANDY COHEN. Meatball corrects him, and argues that he never said Jacqueline was a stripper, just that Chris Laurita was engaged to someone else and got caught fooling around with Jacqueline. Which is nothing like “Chris Laurita met Jacqueline when she was a stripper in Las Vegas,” and clearly not what he originally said. Teresa tries to claim that Caroline was the one who told them that Jacqueline was a stripper, when Folletto defuses the whole argument by asking what’s the problem with strippers? Exactly, Chris Laurita adds, they’re talking about strippers like they were serial killers. Points to both Chris Laurita and Folletto.
SPEAKING OF STRIPPERS (have we spoken of anything else?), Andy Cohen hears that Folletto was a stripper for a while. YEP! Folletto explains happily. He stripped for a year while he was in college! He wore a G-string in the shape of an elephant. HOW DID WE GET BACK TO FOLLETTO’S GENITALS, ANDY COHEN?
Andy Cohen then asks Folletto how he felt seeing Meatball call Teresa una ficha, and Folletto explains that normally that would earn a baseball bat to the back of the head, but that honestly when he watched, he felt nothing. Andy Cohen then asks Meatball how it felt when Folletto called Teresa una cagna on camera, and Folletto protests that it’s different, she’s his sorella, therefore, he can call her anything he wants. Sibling rule #47. Duh. Meatball agrees, but points out that when other people call Teresa names and Folletto does nothing, that’s what makes him a loser. And yet another thing that Meatball and Folletto agree upon! However, since Folletto never heard anyone call his sorello names, he claims, it’s a non-issue. Jeff Goldblum, Jr. notes that he calls people names, and Meatball calls for security, someone has stolen Jeff Goldblum’s shoulders. (????) Yous gonna end up with a black eye; no, YOUS gonna end up with a black eye; no YOUS gonna end up with a black eye, repeat.
Andy Cohen notes that Jeff Goldblum, Jr. has said some terrible things about Teresa and stakes and fire, and Jeff Goldblum, Jr. defends himself by claiming that Teresa attacks Kathy behind her back. Or in her (ghost-written) blog, which is hardly behind anyone’s back, whatever. Meatball begins screaming at Jeff Goldblum, Jr. that he’s never been in business for himself, which even if it was relevant, is awfully rich coming from a man who is having all sorts of business issues of his own, but WHATEVER, MEATBALL, LET’S TRY TO STAY ON TOPIC. Andy Cohen asks about the black eye incident, and Jacqueline begins shrieking about Meatball falling on his face that one time and NO ONE ASKED YOU, JACQUELINE. STAY OUT OF IT, JACQUELINE.
Andy Cohen asks Chris Laurita what he thinks about Dina and Caroline’s spat, and he makes some sad noises. Andy Cohen asks Chris Laurita if he feels Teresa is responsible for the discord, and he sighs and says something about Jacqueline’s relationship with Teresa that has nothing to do with anything and long story short: yes. Andy Cohen then asks Chris Laurita if he was disappointed seeing Dina at Teresa’s Fabulini festa. Chris Laurita says that he was, that he was bothered to hear Dina talk about Caroline, when Teresa interrupts by saying that Dina was merely supporting Teresa as un amica. And that’s when Folletto grows bored with this topic and begins screaming at Teresa to JUST OWN IT. OWN THAT YOUS SAID IT, AND WE CAN MOVE ON. Your own padre said yous told him my wife was a stripper.
And back around we go.
Teresa is stunned stupido by this accusation, and Folletto adds that Teresa told Jacqueline and Caroline both that Melissa was a stripper. Furthermore, Teresa could have prevented the whole incident at the fashion show by letting Folletto know about what happened at the salon, and she didn’t have to go to the bathroom, there were any number of options. Oh, so you’re saying I should have just left? Teresa asks. Jacqueline points out that she couldn’t leave if she was in on the plan. PROVE IT, CAGNA, Teresa shrieks.
Andy Cohen sighs that since they’re already talking about the finale, they might as well get to the finale montage sequence. Teresa, somehow, who even knows how that tiny threebrain of hers works, decides that somehow the whole event was Melissa’s fault. Folletto promises Teresa that he will forgive her if she just admits what she’s done, and Teresa begins whinging that she doesn’t want Folletto and Melissa to get divorced. This is clearly not true, and Folletto does not address it. Instead he explains how he met Melissa: She was a bartender and a schoolteacher and a college student and a nurse and a shoe salesperson and a gas station attendant and the point is SHE WAS NOT A STRIPPER. Folletto comes from a famiglia that believes that while it’s fine for a man to put on an elephant g-string and wave his junk around in strangers’ faces, it is unacceptable for a woman to do anything of the sort, so Folletto would not have married a stripper, ergo she was not a stripper, he rests his case.
Teresa begins caterwauling about “Mommy and Daddy” and how all they have is each other, and Folletto begins yelling at her that she took his parents away from him and his children. Teresa. Freaks. OUT. And that’s when Meatball decides to throw a little carbuante on the fuoco by telling Foletto that he brought that upon himself. SHUT THE VAFANCUL UP! NO YOUS SHUT THE VAFANCUL UP! And Folletto is so angry, Caroline is having to hold his hand to keep him from getting up and recreating the Christening, madonn’.
Teresa can’t believe that Folletto thinks that she took their parents away from him, and Melissa responds that maybe it’s the things that she says to them about her brother. Jacqueline basically adds “YEAH, WHAT SHE SAID,” which causes Teresa to jump from her seat and go full pazza on her. YOU DON’T KNOW, Teresa shrieks at Jac until Andy Cohen — ANDY COHEN! — tells Jacqueline to stay out of it. YOU WORRY ABOUT YOUR OWN FAMIGLIA, Teresa yells, AND MAYBE YOU WON’T HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO DO BUT WORRY ABOUT ME. Baciare il mio culo, Jac responds. Baciare le mie tette, Teresa spits back. Your hard fake ones? asks Jacqueline, to which Teresa yells back about Jacqueline and her Botox fake face. Dio mio.
Andy Cohen then reveals that he’s been hiding Kim D. backstage this whole time, and excuse me for a moment, but I am going to need all the box wine to get through this.
Meatball announces that this is merda, and that he doesn’t want to sit here all night. NEITHER DO I, MEATBALL. NEITHER DO I.
Kim D. comes out and Andy Cohen immediately jumps in with the questions: what was Teresa’s involvement with what happened at the stupidly named Posche’s stupid fashion show. Before she can begin, though, Folletto apologizes to her for his behavior on that night. He was just hopped up on roid rage and stupidity, and he needed a place to vent it since the man who accused his wife of being a stripper wasn’t there for Folletto to punch in the kneecaps. But, what on earth is it that Kim D. has against il Follettos? Why would she orchestrate something like this?
Kim D. gives some vague explanation about Melissa promoting some other business with the same name as hers — AND WHAT? THERE ARE TWO POSCHES IN THIS MONDO? MARRONE. And long story short, this made Kim D. angry. She’s sorry, she’s just “a little revengeful.” So, we can all agree that this was a set up, points out Melissa. Kim D. tries to parse it a little but concedes that these things, they fall in her lap. What is she going to do, not try to humiliate someone on national television? Come on.
Caroline addresses Kim D. and notes that after the fashion show, they had a conversation. What did Kim D. tell Caroline and Jacqueline? Kim D. suddenly suffers from acute insomnia, and so Caroline prompts her: Kim D. told them that Teresa knew this ambush was going to happen. Kim D. hedges: did Teresa know something was going to happen? Sure. Did she know what exactly was going to go down? No. But she knew who the target was going to be? asks Kathy. Of course, come on, don’t be stupido.
Andy Cohen notes that Teresa did seem genuinely upset, and Kim D. explains that Teresa did not know exactly what was going to happen. Teresa’s defense is that Caroline and Jacqueline also knew something was about to happen, so why aren’t they in trouble, too? Jac explains that she only knew because a mystery person was texting her about it. But she’s not going to say who the mystery texter was, because.
Caroline asks Kim D. if Jacqueline knew what this guy was going to do, and Kim D. dances around the question, noting that Jacqueline knew she was annoyed, and that she and Jacqueline, they talk every day. GRAZIE! screams Teresa. GRAZIE, GRAZIE, GRAZIE! Because I guess she thinks this implicates Jacqueline as being the mastermind behind it all? I don’t even know. And bless her heart, Kim D. asks why everyone is screaming, because she’s apparently never seen a Housewives reunion before. (The answer is because everyone is terrible.)
Meatball just wants to go get dinner, but Andy Cohen is not letting anyone go anywhere. LET’S GO OVER THIS AGAIN, Andy Cohen says, What it sounds like is that Teresa knew something was going to go down with Melissa, just not the specifics of what it would be. Uh, yeah, responds Teresa, of course, something always goes down at the stupidly-named Posche stupid fashion show. And Andy Cohen is like, OH NO MA’AM. THAT IS NOT AN ANSWER.
Teresa returns to trying to claim she never said Melissa was a stripper, but Melissa dismisses her. No, you set me up, she insists. Teresa begins screaming that she SWEARS ON MY PADRE, I SWEAR ON IL MEATBALLINI, I NEVER SAID YOUS WERE A STRIPPER. Melissa incredulously points out that Teresa called her up and told her she was a stripper. THEY WAS RUMORS, screams Teresa. RUMORS THAT YOUS WAS A STRIPPER. Melissa flatly announces that if Teresa wants a relationship with Folletto, she’s free to have one, but that Melissa will never look at her again, and Teresa is done with il Follettini.
Andy Cohen asks if Folletto sees a future with Teresa, noting the tears in his eyes, and Folletto has a sad since he lost his sorello and his parents. It is sad! Teresa also has a sad about how much they both changed after they got married. Teresa doesn’t want anything bad for il Follettos and il Follettini! It is sad! And that’s when Chris Laurita decides to drop some wisdom on them: this is sad, they are fighting about merda, Chris Laurita and Jacqueline have a son with autism, that’s what is REALLY important. BOOM.
Then Andy Cohen orders all the tertiary characters off the stage, before noting that Teresa got her trashy body glitter all over his suit, THANKS. Teresa huffs that she’s lost her voice, and Andy Cohen snaps back that he lost his hearing. OOH BURN, PAZZA. Andy Cohen then asks the ladies what happens next? Caroline? I’m sure you have something to say that you think sounds wise and reasonable but comes off as smug and condescending? AS A MATTER OF FACT, Caroline would like to remind us that this show is an opportunity for each of the ladies to see themselves from the outside, and make changes. Also, they have to acknowledge their own truths. ALSO, where there is love there is hope and that one day they will all be together reminiscing about how terrible they were all that one time. AND, there’s nothing stronger than famiglia and amicizia. IN ADDITION, there’s hope for them all because there can’t be this much pain without amore. Fin.
And with that, Andy Cohen releases the ladies back into the wild. HALLELUJAH, declares Teresa.
Indeed, Teresa. Hallelujah indeed.
Arrivederci, season four! Arrivederci, Jac and Teresa’s amicizia! Arrivederci, my Sunday night box wine dependence! None of you stronzi will be missed!
The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Sunday nights at 9 p.m. on Bravo.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.