August 5, 2013
A longer post will be forthcoming, but know for now that after being dumped by Brooks — the guy she supposedly fell madly in love with — Desiree decided to not pack it up and go home. Instead, she offered the remaining two men, Drew and Chris, roses which they accepted.
However, Desiree promptly sent Drew home after not even 5 minutes of a date, and kept Chris around so that he could propose. She accepted, despite having declared her love for someone else some 97 times over the course of the season and within a week of Chris’ proposal.
Congratulations to the “happy” couple.
UPDATE: The next Bachelor is, as predicted, eliminated contestant, Juan Pablo. Least surprising surprise is not surprising.
More to come, obviously. Check in for a longer, sniffle-by-painful-sniffle account tomorrow.
We begin the finale in Antigua with a freshly dumped Princess Desiree staring mournfully off a balcony, and not-crying about how “heartbroken” and “blindsided” she is by Mumbles’ decision to mumble his way out of her life. Princess Desiree was pretty sure she was going to marry him, even though he gave exactly no indication that the feeling was mutual, and in fact, couldn’t remember what she looked like unless she was directly in front of him.
SO NOW WHAT? WELL, CHRIS HARRISON? YOU GOT ANY IDEAS, BIG GUY? Chris Harrison sits Princess Desiree down, and is barely able to ask her how she’s doing before the waterworks start up again. “I’m OK,” she blubber-lies, before being more honest and sobbing that she just wants to go home. We all do, honey, we all do. Chris Harrison holds her hand as Princess Desiree snivels, endless sniveling. Once she calms down somewhat, Chris Harrison reminds her that there are still two men who care for her and are committed to this process. Princess Desiree is like, “Ugh, yeah, them. Big Pun is OK, I guess. And Drew, Not Brandon is nice enough. BUT THEY AREN’T MUMBLES!” Chris Harrison is all, “That may be so, but we’re still having a rose ceremony today. I don’t care if you send both these chuckleheads home or not, that’s up to you. But a rose ceremony is going to happen, so pull it together, sister.”
So, Princess Desiree returns to her balcony of miserableness and laments that she doesn’t know what she’s going to doooooooo. And then there’s more crying.
Well, you better decide pretty quickly lady, because Big Pun and Drew, Not Brandon are waiting on the patio for something to happen. Chris Harrison informs them that it’s just them today, no Mumbles, but he’ll leave it to Princess Desiree to explain. With this, Princess Desiree joins them, and there is a painfully long soap opera pause where everyone just stares at one another before Princess Desiree finally explains that Mumbles dumped her, and that it turned her “world upside down.” She goes on to claim that she’s approached each relationship individually, which I guess is supposed to suggest that she hadn’t already made up her mind to dump these two BUT WE ALL KNOW BETTER. Princess Desiree explains that Mumbles’ decision to not continue with this sham demonstrates that love is a two-way street, and that she’s going to offer them these roses, BUT IF THEY AREN’T INTERESTED, THEY BETTER SPEAK UP NOW. And then there’s more crying.
Rose #1: Drew, Not Brandon (He accepts the rose. She cries.)
Rose #2: Big Pun (He accepts the rose. She cries.)
And then they hug her and talk about how hard it is to watch her CRY OVER ANOTHER MAN, and let’s just pause here for one moment and do some math. At this very moment, it is perfectly clear to anyone with a functioning brain that she was going to dump one of them in favor of Mumbles. Which means, had Mumbles stuck around, their chances were 50/50 that they were originally going home that day. And yet both men are like, “Well, clearly I wasn’t going to be the one eliminated.” I think it says something profound about the male ego that these two men are standing there, watching this woman melt down in a pile of tears and misery because another man dumped her, and they still are thinking, “So, my chances are pretty good.” What is that? HAVE SOME DIGNITY. GO HOME NOW.
But instead, we head to the Bachelor studio, where Chris Harrison asks
Bachelor Nation the Harpy Chorus for their thoughts on what they’ve seen so far because we’ve got to fill two hours somehow. The first woman Chris Harrison speaks to announces that Mumbles did the right thing by leaving if he wasn’t in love with Princess Desiree, but adds that she thinks he is coming back. Chris Harrison seems genuinely taken aback by this theory, and asks the audience if they believe Mumbles will return. “WOOOOOOO!” affirm the audience, sending The Producers into a sweaty panic.
Another woman is Team Big Pun because he “has communication she has been looking for.” Which, where to even begin with this? Chris Harrison uses her comment, ironic as it may be, to mock Mumbles and how he and Princess Desiree were “using verbs they call adjectives, the running and jogging to the finish line.” Chris Harrison then adds that they “don’t check grammar here on The Bachelor.” YOU DON’T SAY.
Another woman who claims to be a Big Pun fan joins the “Mumbles is coming back” crowd, adding that Princess Desiree clearly loves him. Chris Harrison tries to derail this high-speed train of delusion by asking her as someone who thinks it’s going to be Big Pun in the end, if Mumbles has done so much damage that Princess Desiree can’t be in a relationship with anyone. THAT’S NOT WHAT SHE SAID, CHRIS HARRISON. And, in fact, she clarifies: It’s going to be Mumbles or no one because Princess Desiree can’t be going into a relationship with Big Pun or Drew, Not Brandon having told America one thousandty times that she’s in love with Mumbles. She’d just be lying to everyone, including herself, and also, that’d just be weird. WORD, MUCH TOO DEEPLY INVESTED BACHELOR FAN.
Another woman who seems to have lost the shoulders of her blouse in a tragic mishap of some sort thinks that Mumbles really is in love with Princess Des, and that he should have talked about his misgivings with a man instead of stupid ladies who steered him wrong.
Chris Harrison continues trying to distract the audience from this notion that Mumbles is coming back for Princess Desiree by asking if the other men find out about her feelings for Mumbles if they will be able to stay, and another woman stands to announce that there is NO WAY it can work out with anyone but Mumbles and that the others should GET OUT NOW. SAVE YOURSELVES FROM MONTHS OF A FAKE RELATIONSHIP AND TABLOID COVERS! RUN!
Back in Antigua, Princess Desiree explains that she decided to give Drew, Not Brandon and Big Pun another chance, but that they are not going to meet her family just yet because nobody is ready for that pile of crazy. First up: Drew, Not Brandon.
Drew, Not Brandon yammers obliviously into the camera about how he can’t wait to tell Princess Desiree how much he loves her and how he has no hesitations about their relationship even though she doesn’t want him to meet her family and she was SOBBING HYSTERICALLY OVER ANOTHER GUY. Oh, sweetie darling.
Princess Desiree arrives to their date on horseback, introduces Drew, Not Brandon to his horse, Judy, and the four of them set off on the saddest horsey ride of all time as Princess Desiree narrates that she is just not feeling it with Drew, Not Brandon all the while Drew, Not Brandon burbles excitedly about how pretty the beach is.
They arrive at a picnic spot on the beach, where Drew, Not Brandon toasts “being madly in love.”
“Yeah, I’m going to stop you right there,” Princess Desiree says.
I should note that before he leaves, Drew, Not Brandon says a bunch of perfectly reasonable things about how she needn’t apologize for not being in love with him, that just because he sees something for them doesn’t make it real, and that he wishes her all the happiness in the world. Drew, Not Brandon then walks down the beach and out of Princess Desiree’s life forever; although, if it’d been me, I totally would have ridden off on Judy while yelling, “DODGED THAT BULLET!”
And then there’s more crying.
Next up: Date with Big Pun. Before the date, Princess Desiree mourns for Mumbles some more, but then she says something Very Telling, that this date with Big Pun is “the last chance for [her].” Let the record note that this is precise moment when Princess Desiree decided to settle.
Princess Desiree greets Big Pun with a very big, very sincere kiss, and for Big Pun, it’s all downhill from there. They go out on a catamaran where he tells her that he had a sad when she had a sad and that he’ll always be there for her. Good enough for me! Princess Desiree justifies, while narrating that maybe her feelings for Big Pun were clouded by Mumbles, and that it will hopefully be all “smooth sailing” from here. I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.
That night, the two hang out in his hotel room (what, no awkward dinner first?), all the while Princess Desiree makes a bunch of comments about remaining hopeful and trusting that her heart will “find what it needs,” along with a bunch of other rationalizing nonsense. Big Pun starts off a toasting their 10 week journey, but Mr. Articulate finds himself jabbering about connections and being confident, completely losing his original train of thought which was “Here’s to dating you on teevee, yay!”
He then tells Princess Desiree that what he appreciates about their relationship is that it always felt like it is moving forward, that it never seems to take a step back. Princess Desiree finds this comforting and adds it, along with “everything happens for a reason,” to her growing list of justifications as to why this is not a rebound.
Big Pun then broaches the whole, “Hey, when do I get to meet your family” thing, and after explaining that the events of the past couple weeks (or past couple days so far as I can count, whichever), have left her with some apprehensions about adding Prince Joffrey to the mix, she agrees to do it. Sure. Why not. It’s not like The Producers are going to let her walk away from all this without Crazy Brother coming back into the mix, after all.
And then Big Pun presents her with a gift: a journal. “OH HOW ORIGINAL,” says Nipples Jr. somewhere in DallasHouston, before writing a song about it. However, Big Pun has filled all of the pages of journal with quotes and inscriptions and his insufferable poetry, so thanks? I guess? In a talking head, Princess Desiree talks about how lucky she is to be receiving Big Pun’s love and how she feels guilty she didn’t love him from the start and she begins crying again and GIRL, NO. NOT READY. YOU ARE NOT READY, GIRL. STOP. GO HOME AND STOP THIS. Instead, she tells Big Pun that he is the “greatest man [she] has ever known.”
Back in the Bachelor studio, The Producers have dragged Dallas Sean and New Age Girl to the audience to PROMISE, SWEAR, PROMISWEAR that they are getting married, but for real guys, no, like for reals. Totally getting married. They then have opinions about Princess Desiree’s story, but I don’t care. I don’t! I do not care.
Chris Harrison explains that they also dragged Princess Des’ friends and former competition, Lipstick, Scarlett O’Hara and Presumptuous into the audience for their completely meaningless thoughts on the matter. Lipstick explains that Princess Desiree is absolutely, completely, desperately in love with Mumbles and that she is convinced it will be him in the end. (Chris Harrison, again, fruitlessly attempts to divert this theory by pointing out that when looking back, Mumbles just didn’t seem all that into her.) Scarlett thinks that Princess Desiree seems to be falling for Big Pun, and Presumptuous hedges her bets by saying that if Mumbles doesn’t return, Princess Des will end up with Big Pun.
But since we’re returning to Antigua and Big Pun’s about to meet Princess Desiree’s family and there’s all of 40 minutes left in the episode, Mumbles is running out of time to come riding up on Judy to sweep Princess Des away. Methinks there is going to be one disappointed Chorus of Harpies tonight.
Big Pun arrives to meet Princess Des’ family, flowers in hand, while Princess Des reminds us that her brother is a psychopath who can’t be trusted. When Big Pun sits down, Princess Des’ father manages to ask why his daughter should choose him before tattooed Prince Joffrey sets in with the difficult questions: Is he confident he is the one she’s going to choose? Does he worry about her feelings for someone else? Will he really, honestly, for real marry his sister if this happens? When Big Pun answers all of these questions to Prince Joffrey’s satisfaction, Big Pun is allowed to privately ask Princess Des’s father for her hand in marriage, which her father grants because we are still living in an age when people think it’s charming to treat a woman like a piece of chattel to be exchanged between men. /feministoutrage
Once Big Pun leaves, Princess Des sits down with Prince Joffrey, who questions her about her real feelings for both Mumbles and Big Pun. He agrees — as do most people, I’m sure — that Big Pun is a nice guy. But he is concerned — as is EVERYONE — that she is settling. “No, I’m not,” Princess Desiree replies, and that is that. Good talk! Very convincing!
So the next day, Big Pun stands around his hotel room shirtless — and clearly uncomfortable being so, as he crosses his arms over his chest and tries to look pensive and not just mortifyingly embarrassed and fails — and monologues about how he’s ready to ask the woman he loves to marry him. But first! He has to spend a little quality time with Neil Lane looking at diamonds, because accepted proposal or no accepted proposal, NEIL LANE IS GOING TO GET HIS FREE TRIP, BISHES.
Princess Des, in the meantime, straps into a remarkably pretty dress (for a change) and has her own, sobby monologue about being hopeful and having a hard time accepting love and how she has to be completely honest with Big Pun about her feelings for Mumbles because he deserves to know everything.
And so they both arrive at the designated Proposal Cliff, and Big Pun starts in on his spiel about their “journey” and falling in love with her and their many dates and the God-awful “poetry” and being the person that won’t break for her, but before he can get down on one knee, Princess Desiree stops him, sending him into a clear panic. But instead of kicking a chair at him and telling him to get the hell out, she explains that he’s the only one left, the only one who has met her family. But then the sobbing becomes SO LOUD, I literally can not hear a thing. Maybe she tells him about being in love with Mumbles? WHO EVEN KNOWS, certainly not me and I’m guessing not Big Pun, either. Sobbing sobbing sobbing, and she must have said something that made him feel like it was appropriate to carry on with the proposal, because he drops to a knee and tells her that he wants to be her first and her last. Chances are, you’re going to be neither, sugar, but nice thought. But she says yes, because, what, she’s going to walk away without a rock at this point? Who are you kidding? And then she offers him the final rose which he foolishly accepts, the end.
EXCEPT NOT. We still have an “After the Final Rose” special to slog through. Here are the only things you need to know from that colossal waste of time:
- Princess Desiree justifies settling for Big Pun by saying that being heartbroken by Mumbles gave her “perspective.” Also, since getting to know Big Pun AFTER SHE AGREED TO MARRY HIM, she’s come to see that he’s a pretty good guy, actually!
- Mumbles has questionable taste in suits.
- Mumbles regrets nothing.
- Drew, Not Brandon also has questionable taste in suits.
- Drew, Not Brandon regrets nothing.
- Big Pun’s taste in suits is unremarkable. And that’s a good thing.
- Princess Desiree is moving to Seattle this weekend.
- There is no wedding date.
- Big Pun is still writing horrible, starts off rhyming but then stops rhyming about 1/3 of the way through poetry.
- There is NO CHANCE these two are getting married.
- Juan Pablo is El Next Bachelor and everyone is losing their damn minds over it. (Good choice, Producers. And I’m sure this had nothing to do with your recent racial discrimination lawsuit at all.)
Do I think Princess loves Big Pun? Of course not. Do I think he should have proposed? HA! Do I think these two will ever get married, much less even look into venues? Come on. Am I happy Juan Pablo will be our next El Bachelor instead of some half-witted, ‘roided out wax monkey? ¡Sí, por favor! ¡Cómo sabroso! ¡Traer a la próxima temporada, pero sólo después de unos meses para que mi hígado puede descansar!
And with that, we close up yet another season of The Bachelorette. I couldn’t have done it without all of you and box wine. All of it. All of the box wine.
¡SEE YOU IN UNOS POCOS MESES!
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.