The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“Children of the Scorned”
August 11, 2013
Before we get started, your weekly Goombahs Go to Jail Update: Teresa and Meatball unsurprisingly plead Not Guilty to the charges against them in federal court yesterday; their court date is scheduled for October 8, although I will be flabbergasted if that happens; and this is the greatest image of the case, so far.
As for the “reality” drama, we begin where we left off last week: with Teresa and Jacqueline glaring at one another across a table. Teresa challenges Jac to name ONE TIME Teresa said something to hurt Jacqueline, and Jac is like, “Oh, I don’t know, how about when you basically accused me of spending all my time tweeting about you and your nonsense instead of taking care of my autistic son?” At this, Jacqueline tears up about the stress she’s been under, which hasn’t been negligible SEEING AS SHE HAS AN AUTISTIC 3-YEAR-OLD SLEEPING IN A MICHAEL JACKSON CHAMBER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT SHE IS DOING. Teresa
realizing this does not play in her favor orders Jac to stop crying lest she have the feels, too, and they agree to be civil to each other and not freak out if the other enters a room they happen to be in.
We’ll see. We shall just see.
Oh, and Meatball and Laurita also mend fences after Meatball tells Laurita that he’s known some autistic guys who were real smart, but yous know, weird. Hey, BFFs all over again!
The next day, Laurita has a meeting with the Manzo fratelli where he basically tells them to not forget about their non-potable squid ink water, even though everyone else has, and compares their new restaurant to a goomah. Good talk, Zio Metaphor! OH WAIT, THAT’S RIGHT, I DON’T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THIS.
At casa della Meatball, Teresa and the meatballini are shooting each other with Nerf guns (Including The Elusive Sfogliatelle! But seriously, yous guys, our original RHONJ blogger, Bobby, is convinced that Teresa hired an image consultant before this season began and I am inclined to agree, because someone clearly took her aside and were like, “Look, you’re a great mom and all, but it’s kinda weird that we never see one of your figlie. Like, ever. Maybe let’s try to get her on camera a little more?” Because The Elusive Sfogliatelle has been on screen more times in the past season than all the previous seasons combined. Although, it should be noted, I still don’t think we’ve ever heard her speak.), while Gabagool and her amici smear makeup all over their 12-year-old faces and talk about Gabagool’s relationship with Folletto. Teresa sneaks in to eavesdrop, and overhears Gabagool explain that her madre and zio went out into the woods and worked things out (which makes the whole retreat sound far weirder than it was — and it was really weird). So now Gabagool can hang out with Folletto again, on whom she says she used to have a crush. UGH GROSS, V.C. ANDREWS. NO.
Eventually, Folletto arrives to take Gabagool to go race go-karts, while the other Meatballini scale the walls and shoot plastic pellets at the chandelier because so what, who cares, casa de Meatball and its chandelier is going to be owned by the government soon anyway.
Folletto and Gabgool go to an indoor go-kart place which I didn’t even know was a thing that existed because whaaaaa? WRONG. INDOOR GO-KARTING = WRONGNESS. So they do this very wrong thing, and then Folletto buys Gabagool a slice and the two have a heart-to-heart where Gabagool gives her zio whatfor about the past three years of his and her madre’s terrible behavior towards one another; how it hurt herself, her sorella, her cugini; that she knows her nonna and nonno did not raise him to behave that way; and that she had to deal with a lot of bullying at school for the pazzo way he acted, SO, YOUS KNOW, GRAZIE, EVERYONE. WAY TO BE, TUTTI. “Good talk,” says Folletto.
Apparently Teresa is hosting? sponsoring? generally bringing attention to? some sort of Zumba charity event, so Kathy and Jacqueline go lingerie shopping for just the right Zumba charity outfit, as you do. One can not charity Zumba without the proper buttpads and demi bras, yous know. While shopping for what is apparently going to be some sort of awkward charity Zumba striptease, Jacqueline informs Kathy that she’s going to California to get a tummy tuck. Kathy, who just recently shaved off a sizable portion of her own nose, is at first like, “NOOOoooo! WHYYYYY?” before totally shrugging it off, because what’s it to her? Also, Jacqueline explains that she wants to get a neck job because something about “cavalcata” her husband. The less said about that, the migliore.
Later, everyone (except il Manzos) arrive casa della Meatball to catch a ride on the stripper bus to the Zumba charity event for whatever, who even knows, kidneys? Something about kidneys? Everyone drinks the red wine because before you jazzercise to Brazilian music, you should definitely drink a bunch of warm red wine. And then they load up on the stripper bus (as we’ve established earlier, in New Jersey there are no other kinds) where some lingering bad feelings attempt to break through the tannic surface. Teresa, despite her supposed détente with Jacqueline, just can not help herself and passive aggressively brings up the fact that Jacqueline recently referred to her as a sociopath — a word Teresa does not know the definition of, but is pretty certain is not a compliment. Jacqueline suggests Teresa look it up, and so she does: “a person who lacks moral responsibility; is antisocial; lacks a social conscience.”
And then Mortadella puts everyone in their place:
Finally, they arrive and everyone charity Zumbas and no punches are thrown, so I guess we can put this one in the success column. (Although, I’m not sure how thrilled the NephCure Foundation is to be associated with il Meatballs, especially in recent days.)
So, Greg is moving San Francisco. Why? It’s unclear.
But can I just ask why is this the first time we’ve seen him all season? This is the 11th episode of the season — not the second, not the third, THE 11th — and this is the first time we’ve seen Greg? Why? WHY? WHY HAVE I SAT THROUGH ENDLESS TRIPS TO AN EMPTY PILE OF SHEETROCK CALLED “LITTLE TOWN” AND NOT ONCE SEEN GREG UNTIL THE MOMENT WHEN HE’S ALL, “ARRIVEDERCI, PAZZOS?”
Ugh. And boo.
So they have a going away party for him where they celebrate Greg for all of two minutes before Caroline makes it all about herself, sobbing and carrying on and claiming that Greg was her third son before yelling at Jacqueline for going to California for plastic surgery. Bye, Greg! It was real.
Finally, Jacqueline goes to California where she sees Ol’ Potatoee Face, who looks great! Blogging about … something … while living amongst vapid wannabe actresses with eating disorders has been good for our spoiled little brat! Jacqueline notes that letting Potatoee Face move to California was the best thing that ever happened to their relationship because GO FIGURE, encouraging your adult children to move out of the house and support themselves works out for the best
Jacqueline meets with the plastic surgeon who reminds her that she will be undergoing major surgery, goes over the potential risks and then orders her to not eat anything terribly heavy or drink alcohol that night. So Jacqueline and her famiglia go straight to dinner at a place called “Tekila” (always a great choice), where Jacqueline eats a massive taco salad and does tequila shots. Good decision-making, Jac!
The next day, the doctors perform Jac’s tummy tuck on camera even though nobody asked them to, all the while discussing how Jacqueline shouldn’t compare her results to her 22-year-old daughter who’s “hotness” they mention TOO MANY TIMES, CREEPY OLD MEN, YOU STOP. Also, there is a completely unnecessary shot of two betattooed chunks of stomach flesh that they chopped off Jac, and CAN WE JUST STOP THIS ALREADY? BASTANTE.
And then Jacqueline comes out of surgery just fine to the great relief of Potatoee Face and her top o’ the head bun (which clearly inspired Teresa yesterday), the end.
The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Sunday nights at 8 p.m./7 p.m. Central on Bravo.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.