‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey’: I’m gonna sit right down and write myself a letter

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“Sealed With a Diss”
May 30, 2011

Dear Readers,

I decided to write you this entry because sometimes when we comment, neither one of us really listens. I hope by writing you this entry, you will see it as a positive step in bringing our relationship back together. I am sorry if I am always so late with these entries. I love and miss all of your comments. Please comment so we can meet face-to-face work this out together.

Love,
Your only blogger,
Therese

ALRIGHT. SO. It’s not that Kathy isn’t una ficcanasa, she is. No question. But I really think her intentions were good and sincere when she attempted to act as una ambasciatore between her two feral cousins. Her mistake was not that she approached Teresa at the fashion show to try to pave the way for a reconciliation between Teresa and Folletto. No, the mistake was bringing up Baby Baccala, and the fact that in the midst of the hoo-ha at the christening, Teresa may have left Baby Baccala. Which she totally did. And which Kathy knows because she was the one who took care of Baby Baccala. STILL. Maybe when trying to be diplomatic, one should avoid suggesting the person you are talking to is a terrible mamma who abandons their babies in the middle of a goombah fight. I’m pretty sure Warren Christopher once said that.

ANYWAY. Kathy is very concerned that she’s left a bad impression on Caroline, because this matters to her for some reason, and has decided it is very important that she speak to her alone. To that end, she shows up on Caroline’s doorstep bearing flowers and explanations, which Caroline receives with an imperious sigh. Look, here’s the thing, La Ficcanasa: To be honest, Caroline does not care. Teresa and Folletto were the ones who were rotten to one another, they’re the ones that have to work it out. Word to Albie’s mother.

Later, after Rich makes a bunch of noise about how disappointed Kathy seemed after talking with Caroline, he gives his wife a new Mercedes. YAY, NEW MERCEDES DAY! I’m disappointed that some strangers are mad at me for not posting this soon enough, do I get a Mercedes, too? You don’t have to put a bow on it, just leave the keys under the doormat. OKTHANKYOU.

As for Caroline, Christopher and Albie move into their fancy Hoboken digs with their friend, Greg, whom they describe as a “mister” or “man-sister” which I guess means he’s gay? Is that what they’re getting at? Why can’t they just say he’s gay? I don’t understand. But kudos to you, Manzo brothers, for being more inclusive and open-minded than I would have ever expected! While Caroline mopes about her babies leaving her, Lauren sullenly reminds her mother that *AHEM* she hasn’t exactly gone anywhere. BUT SHE WILL. SHE WILL MARRY VITO THE SALAMI SLICER, OR MAYBE JUST MOVE IN WITH HIM, SHE HASN’T REALLY DECIDED, BUT IN ANY EVENT, SHE’S GONNA LEAVE TOO, AND THEN CAROLINE WILL BE SORRY. Caroline takes a deep cleansing breath and then quietly threatens her children that if they ever fight with each other, she’ll kill them all. Fortunately, I don’t think that will be a problem with the Manzo children as they are lacking the Gorga wolverine gene.

Apparently, Jacqueline needs a tarot card reader to tell her that Teresa is having family issues and that Ashley is a weepy, over-indulged brat with a potato face. Money well spent, Jac.

Jacqueline’s parents come for a visit, and they are awesome. At least her father is awesome. Her mother mostly just dawdles around the kitchen, staying out of the way. Jac mentions to her father that she’s concerned about Ashley and her ridiculous, spoiled behavior, and Pappa Jac suggests that Jacqueline tell her daughter her own story, and how she supported a baby essentially on her own. Pappa Jac then offers that perhaps Ashley, the child of a broken home, feels a little lost. That’s sweet, Pappa Jac, but not every child of divorce demands that their parents rent them an apartment in Manhattan because they just can’t wake up early enough to get to their unpaid internship on time.

So, you might have heard, Teresa wrote a cookbook, which is about the only thing paying the bills these days. To this end, she goes to a food photo shoot — for something — in Manhattan where she complains that the chicken needs to be browner, more parsley on the pasta and more sauce on the meatballs. (Resisting a “that’s what she said” joke. It’s hard. THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID.) Teresa explains that she coined the term “fabulicious” by combining, wait for it, fabulous with delicious. Let’s get this lady a MacArthur Genius Grant already. While at the shoot, Meatball calls to inform her that he ran into Folletto at the gym and they managed to NOT get into a fight. Look, it’s a start.

Kim D. invites Jacqueline, Teresa and Caroline to go shopping in Manhattan as a thank you for their work in/on the fashion show, and I’m unclear what’s happening here? Are they just shopping? Is Kim D. buying them presents? Who is that other lady? Ultimately, it’s not important, it’s just a set piece, I get it. But I often find myself distracted by what these women are doing exactly, like with Teresa at that photo shoot earlier. Why were they taking pictures of food? The book is already published, so it’s not that. Was it for an article in a magazine? A newspaper? Some sort of publicity work? WHY ARE THEY HERE AND WHAT ARE THEY DOING? ARGH. Someone pour me some champagne already, Mommy has a headache.

ANYWAY. THE LADIES ARE IN SOME STORE, LOOKING AT CLOTHES. At some point, Thanksgiving is mentioned, and Teresa invites Kim D. to attend hers, which opens up the Folletto floodgates. Caroline uses the opportunity to tell Teresa that Kathy swung by her house to talk about the situazione between Teresa and Folletto. Teresa freaks out because KATHY is her CUGINA. Caroline insists that Teresa zitta already, and just listen: everyone is too combative and no one is listening, and maybe Teresa should write her brother a letter, explaining how she feels. Teresa thinks this is an excellent idea and begins crafting a letter explaining to her brother that she loves him but WHAT IS HE DOING? HE’S HURTING HIS PARENTS. Caroline goes deep into her endless reservoir of calm and suggests that maybe Teresa not accuse Folletto of doing anything to their parents, that this might be considered aggressive. Teresa, however, is pretty certain this is a winning line and is loathe to cut it.

Fortunately, Teresa has the good sense to enlist Jacqueline as an editor for the letter, and brings what she has written so far over to Jac’s house for a looksee.

The letter so far:

Sometimes when we speak neither one of us really gets to say what’s in our hearts so I’m writing this letter in hopes that we can reconcile our relationship. We grew up in the same house with an incredible Italian upbringing. Our family was unbreakable. We need to get back to that place. There’s a hole in my heart where you were and no one can fill it. I hope things can go back to the way they were. Please, Folletto, let’s fix this, let’s put the past behind us, and just move forward. Start over from here. I miss you and love you.

Love,

Your sister, Teresa.

Jacqueline notes that Teresa didn’t mention Melissa in the letter, which she regards as a mistake. Teresa is fairly certain they all arrived at this place because of Melissa, and then begins getting all wide-eyed and jabbery and insisting that Folletto and Melissa are both very very stunade and that if more people were like her, the world would be a better place. INDEED. IF ONLY.

As the hours pass, and Jacqueline’s patience diminishes, Teresa painstakingly crafts each sentence in this letter, which is both sweet and sad considering I’m not entirely convinced Folletto can read. Finally, Dante Aligheri is satisfied with her work, and heads out to deliver the letter. Jacqueline joins her and is mortified to see that Teresa intends to hand deliver the note, and not just leave it at the house. Fortunately, Folletto and Melissa aren’t home to receive it/get into a hair-pulling, table-punching fight and no one is more relieved than Jacqueline.

Here’s where, to demonstrate Folletto and Melissa’s relationship, I would have placed an animated gif of Benny Hill chasing buxom women around a field. BUT FOR SOME REASON, NO SUCH GIF EXISTS. How can this be? HOW CAN YOU BE LETTING ME DOWN THIS WAY, INTERNET? This is the MOST OBVIOUS GIF OF ALL TIME. Pull yourself together, and do your job. NO, I DO NOT CARE THAT YOU HAVE TO WAKE UP EARLY FOR YOUR COMMUTE AND THAT IS SUPER HARD. Gah.

The point is, Folletto is a ridiculous, over-sexed caricature who thinks it’s completely appropriate to whine at his wife about not having enough sex not only on camera, BUT IN FRONT OF HIS SMALL CHILDREN.

Team Teresa, all the way.

As for Melissa, she appears to be softening on the Teresa front. A little. A teeny tiny little bit. As she bathes her children, she’s saddened that they don’t play with their cousins. But this moment is ruined by Folletto growling at her in the corner about wanting to “rock and roll.” Gross. Stop. Gross.

RELATED: I never want to hear about how Folletto’s “testosterone” builds up in him like a giant pimple. STOP IT.

Anyway, Folletto and Melissa were out jogging when Teresa dropped off her letter (but their kids were home with the nanny? who didn’t open the door when Teresa rang? do nannies not open doors?) and return home to find the blue envelope waiting for them. Folletto is not amused.

However, Melissa reads the letter aloud to her husband, as he glares at no one in particular:

I decided to write you this letter because sometimes when we speak, neither one of us really listens. I hope by writing you this letter you will see it as a positive step in bringing our family back together. I am sorry if I have hurt you and your family in any way. I love and miss all of you. Please call so we can meet face-to-face and work this together.

Love,

Your Only Sister,

Teresa

Melissa, impressed that Teresa actually extended an apology to his family, urges her husband to meet with his sister, to let it go, to hear what she has to say. Folletto, however, grumbles about not wanting to talk to her until she’s Teresa Gorga again, which is going to be hard to do unless she divorces Meatball. Cough. So is that it? Is Folletto willing to never speak to his sister again? THE MEATBALL’S IN YOUR COURT, FOLLETTO.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesdays on Bravo at 8/9 CST.

This post first appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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