‘The Golden Bachelor’: Light him up, ladies

by Therese Odell, posted in the golden bachelor, the golden bachelor: season 2

The Golden Bachelor
October 1, 2025

It’s morning at the McMansion, and some of the women have a thing or five to say to Handsy Nicolle about her behavior at the pool party the day before, and how they felt disrespected by her grinding all over Mel in front of God and everyone.

Handsy Nicolle, however, don’t care.

The conversation is interrupted by news of a date card:

“Handsy Nicolle; Nurse Gerri; Momager Amy; Flight Attendant Monica; Dentist Monica; Cindyrella; Terri the Puppeteer; Dirt Bike Cheryl; Dodgers Carol; Bomb Peg; Texas Roxanne: Love doesn’t have to be so serious. Love, Mel.”

This means Jazzercise Debbie has the week’s one-on-one date, and she’s moved to tears.

As for the group date, it’s the obligatory “Do Something In Front of a Live Audience” date. To that end, they are brought to a theater where Mel and comedian and podcaster Jared Freid are waiting for them. There, it is announced that they will be roasting Mel, which, OK, producers, I see you. Fried explains that the woman who wins the roast will go on a romantic dinner with Mel, and as for the losers, he’ll take them out for a martini because he doesn’t care that they are older, Mel does.

There’s a lot of running around backstage, and women writing jokes in a notebook, and Dodger Carol looking for a pair of reading glasses, and Dirt Bike Cheryl being explained what a roast is. You know, filler.

Finally, the crowd is brought in, and Flight Attendant Monica is first to the mic, and she KILLS it. She compares Mel to a classic car: strong, sexy, and doesn’t go over 60. She suggests he find a football helmet to keep Handsy Nicolle from shoving her tongue down his throat. She then turns to the ladies, telling them that it’s been great meeting them, but then directs them, flight attendant style, to the exits.

Great job, no notes, take her out to dinner already, Mel.

But instead, we have to sit through the rest of the roasts:

Dirt Bike Cheryl compares him to Detroit pizza: crusty, cheesy, and square.

Puppeteer Terri makes fun of his shoes via the puppet, noting that the puppet has better shoes and she doesn’t even walk.

Momager Amy fails the entire assignment, spending her time patting herself on the back for doing all the cooking and cleaning at the McMansion.

Handsy Nicolle does an impression of Mel, which involves her reciting “Roses are red, violets are blue, I want all the women to love me, especially you. And you. And you.”

And Dodger Carol jokes that Mel’s preference to date someone between 40-60 years old is the first thing the two of them have in common.

And even though Flight Attendant Monica CLEARLY won this roast, Mel chooses Handsy Nicolle because he was always going to choose Handsy Nicolle.

At dinner, Handsy Nicolle declares she is going to ask “pointed” questions about Mel’s marriage, how he met his wife, why the marriage ended, and how he feels about the whole thing. And she opens with the fact that she’s been married and divorced TWICE, which honestly begs many more questions.

As for Mel’s marriage, he explains that they were married for 25 years. Handsy Nicolle asks him if he thought it would last forever. Mel is like, “I mean, I got married, so yeah.” He notes that the divorce was her idea, adding that she was young when they got married and she wanted to “experience other things.”

HUH. IT’S ALMOST AS THOUGH YOU SHOULD HAVE MARRIED SOMEONE YOUR OWN OLD AGE. MEL.

Mel seems to find the invasive questions attractive because he offers Handsy Nicolle the date rose.

The next day, Jazzercise Debbie gets ready for her big date, and reminds us that she’s never been married. She’s never even tried on a wedding dress. And she convinces herself that maybe it hasn’t happened for her for a reason, that reason apparently being this lunchbox head, Mel.

Mel comes and collects her and drives her to a French restaurant, Petit Trois, where the chef teaches them to make an omelet. This feels embarrassingly basic to me, but I guess this Michelin-starred chef thought an omelet was about all these two could handle; teaching them to make duck confit would be a waste of everyone’s time.

They are fed more than the omelet, thank goodness, and Jazzercise Debbie talks about being single her entire life. She adds that she found herself on the show because the first season gave he hope, and that when she learned he was going to be the Golden Bachelor, she knew she had to apply because they had so much in common (fitness).

Mel obviously offers her the date rose.

Meanwhile, back at the house, First Season’s Kathy and Susan (Regina George and Twice Photocopied Kris Jenner) have arrived for a slumber party. Said party involves the ladies receiving ugly pajamas with Mel’s face plastered on them …

… and Susan urging all of the women to just get up in Mel’s business and kiss him whether he wants it or not.

They also play “Never Have I Ever,” and we learn that Nurse Gerri, of all people, is a member of the Mile High Club. And then Susan and Kathy pass out vibrators to all the ladies, though some of them have no idea what they are.

The next day is the third rose ceremony, and the women, taking Susan’s advice, swarm Mel when he arrives at the house. Dodger Carol, who has never pursued a man in her life, declaring it outside of her comfort zone, asks to take Mel aside for a conversation.

Said conversation:

Dodger Carol: I think you are very handsome.

Mel: You are beautiful.

Dodger Carol: So are you.

Mel: So far, so good. So ask me what you need to know.

Dodger Carol: I think you are so handsome.

Mel: Well, we’ve got that going.

Dodger Carol: I’m fun!

Mel: I can tell you’re fun.

Dodger Carol: ~panicking~ I LIKE SPORTS.

Mel: …

Dodger Carol: My mom died the same year I got divorced. That sucked.

Mel finally kisses Dodger Carol, bringing this cursed conversation to a merciful end. /scene

Mel has other conversations, who cares, and then Cindyrella asks him what he’s reading, and he tells her that he’s reading a non-fiction series about Picasso. She’s all …

Girl, raise your standards.

Alright, ladies, grab a rose ceremony chair:

Rose #1: Cindyrella
Rose #2: Bomb Peg
Rose #3: Texas Roxanne
Rose #4: Nurse Gerri
Rose #5: Dirt Bike Cheryl
Rose #6: Wine Robin
Rose #7: Dodgers Carol

Which means we have to say goodbye to some baddies, including Puppeteer (and Houstonian) Terri, Flight Attendant Monica, Dentist Monica, and Momager Amy. They were so fun! But now they are gone, alas.

Here are the ladies who have been eliminated, along with their very not good nicknames:

Here are the women, along with their dumb nicknames, who are still “dating” Mel:

The Golden Bachelor airs Wednesdays on ABC at 7/8 p.m. and streams on Hulu.

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