‘The Golden Bachelor’: You’re already fumbling this, Mel.

by Therese Odell, posted in the golden bachelor, the golden bachelor: season 2

The Golden Bachelor
September 24, 2025

I’m sorry this is so late, but I already have the next episode cued up, and there shouldn’t be a huge amount of drag time between episodes since they are mercifully only an hour long. But here’s the thing — I couldn’t decide if I was going to recap this season until I did.

On paper, Mel Owens, our new Golden Bachelor, seemed like a decent fit: handsome in a generic, square-jawed kinda way; divorced, but the father of two sons, and she left him (IMPORTANT); a former NFL player and current attorney.

But then, soon after he was announced, this 67-year-old ding-dong went onto a podcast where, with his full chest, he bragged that he told the Bachelor producers that he would eliminate any woman who wasn’t between the ages of 45-60, and that he wanted them to stay away from artificial hips and wigs. As the median viewer of the Golden Bachelor is a 64-year-old woman and this is a show about OLDER PEOPLE FALLING IN LOVE, these comments were received rather poorly, including by your trusty blogger. Why did they cast this idiot instead of any of the already vetted Golden Bachelors from Joan’s season, who were already beloved by the Bachelor audience? And, more importantly, why should any of us become invested in Mel’s “journey to refind love” when we all know that none of these women, who are aged between 58-77, are within his age preference? We all know how this is going to end, right? (Not happily.)

But here I am, a sucker for punishment, I suppose, and macabrely curious about how this season will unfold, what with the prize himself announcing that he is a complete dud before he met a single woman.

Mel introduces himself with some saccharine comments about love and magic and and age ain’t nothin’ but a number, before addressing the elephant in the room: his podcast comments.

But despite all … that … ABC, they kept him as the Golden Bachelor, and I guess decided to lean into the comments, proving that women over the age of 60 aren’t shriveled-up prunes with both feet in the grave. As such, now that Mel is on a boardwalk pensively overlooking the ocean, he’s had a chance to think about his comments and realize they were Very Wrong and he is Very Sorry.

As for who Mel Owens is as a person, he was born and raised in Detroit, MI, by an athletic father who once played in the Negro League.

Yes, this man who looks like Moose from The Archie comics …

… is our first multi-racial Golden Bachelor because race is merely a construct.

Anyway, he talks a LOT about how much his father influenced him and his focus on sports with nary a word about his mother, which as far as I’m concerned, is a HUGE red flag, but we have to move on. He played football at the University of Michigan before being drafted by the Los Angeles Rams, where he played for nine and a half seasons. He’s a lawyer now, doing a lot of sports law, appropriately enough, but that isn’t mentioned on the show. He also claimed in 1984 to have ESP, but that, disappointingly, isn’t mentioned on the show, either.

When he was well into his forties, he married for the first time — to a woman who was 19 years younger than him — and had two sons. She left him in 2020 for another man, according to him, and he was shocked.

Aren’t they always.

And now, after five years of being single, he’s ready to move forward as long as there are no wigs or fake hips involved. “Age doesn’t matter,” this man has the audacity to say, he’s just “looking for a connection.” Again, he knows he messed up, but he’s hoping these women will give him a chance to redeem himself and earn their trust.

Mel Owens arrives at the McMansion, where he’s greeted by Jesse Palmer, who immediately calls him out for his orthopedic shoes.

This old man, this 66-year-old man who thought he was too good to date anyone older than 60, is out here WEARING MEDICAL SHOES?

This, for the one-thousandth time, is what happens when we constantly tell men that they are the prize.

~she wrote unironically while recapping a show where a man is LITERALLY the prize~

The limos, filled with 23 beautiful women well out of this man’s league, begin to arrive:

Cindy, 60, Austin, Texas, Retired Biomedical Engineer: Cindy, leaning into the whole Disney of it all, calls herself Cindyrella.

Carol, 63, Villa Park, California, Baseball Family Manager: Throws a baseball at his head, and promises to talk about baseball with him later.

Turns out, Carol is the aunt and employee of Los Angeles Dodger Freddie Freeman. Seeing as I hate the Los Angeles Dodgers, I don’t know who this is, and I refuse to learn.

Diane, 71, Wasilla, Alaska, Librarian: Diane, my favorite, introduces herself as a hockey player, and then demands to know “what the puck was that [podcast] interview about?” Mel immediately apologizes and asks Diane for a second chance. She promises him that if he sticks with her, she’ll keep him out of the penalty box. But considering Diane is rocking age-appropriate gray hair, there’s no chance he’ll be sticking with her, come on.

Terri, 71, Houston, Texas, Cosmetic Dentist: Terri the Dentist is also a Puppeteer, and her puppet Carly slaps Mel across the face for his ageist comments. Calling out men on their ageist and sexist behavior? Strong yes. Puppets? Absolutely not. I find myself deeply torn.

Carla, 62, Los Angeles, California, Former Model: Carla is here to break Mel’s stereotypes about women over 60.

Alexandra, 67, Miami, Florida, Luxury Yacht Sales Representative: Charo here comes in hot, demanding to know if Mel can handle her before going in for a kiss.

Debbie, 65, Little Chute, Wisconsin, Fitness Professional: Debbie, whom we learn from a video package, is a fitness instructor and made VHS exercise tapes back in the day, hopes Mel chooses her as MVP.

Peg, 62, Las Vegas, Nevada, Retired Firefighter and Bomb Tech: Poor Peg. She has a badass job, and planned a big entrance: kitted out in full bomb defusing gear, with a “love bomb” that is clearly supposed to explode with, I assume, fireworks. But every time she screams, “STAND BACK! STAND BACK!” her love bomb fizzes out. It’s a metaphor.

Gerri, 64, Rockville, Maryland, Home Care Agency CEO: Gerri arrives in a little paper nurse hat, and promises to take care of all Mel’s needs. In a video package, we learn that Gerri and her husband started a comfort care facility, but that he unexpectedly died when he was only 47, leaving her with three young children. But her kids are grown now, and she’s ready to find love again.

Lisa, 66, Marion, Ohio, State Park Employee: After meeting Mel, Lisa invites him to come meet her inside, before realizing her blunder, and sighs that she won’t be receiving that First Impression Rose.

Maia, 58, Malibu, California, College Sports Consultant: Maia’s big selling point is that she lives near the McMansion.

Nicolle, 64, Miami Beach, Florida, Yoga Instructor: Nicolle hurls a football at Mel.

Monica P., 60, Amory, Mississippi, Cosmetic Dentist: Monica brings Mel a Golden Toothbrush.

Robin, 63, Napa Valley, California, Wealth Advisor/Vineyard Owner: Robin offers Mel her finest bottle of wine, and hopes they age together like a fine wine.

Out of the limo emerges someone we recognize: Sandra from the first season of Golden Bachelor, whom I nicknamed “F-Bomb Zen Master” for this spectacular moment:

Sandra explains that she’s not here to date Mel, but to introduce him to someone special:

Andra, 77, San Francisco, California, Retired Federal Worker: Twin sister of Sandra. You read that correctly, Sandra and Andra are twins, and their parents were so tired after they were born, the best they could do was use the same name twice, minus one letter.

Amy, 63, Short Hills, New Jersey, Momager: Speaking of twins, two blonde teenagers hold up a banner that, say, a high school football team might run through at the beginning of a game. And clearly, the idea is that their mom will bust through it. However, Mom is unable to tear the paper, and Mel has to save her. As her twins take their leave, they warn Mel that there are “no givebacks.” It’s all very charming until I look up and see that Amy here describes herself as a “Momager,” and now I hate everyone.

Susie, 62, Del Mar, California, Realtor: Susie gives Mel a compass.

Tracy, 62, Lafayette, Louisiana, Interior Designer: Tracy has made her entire personality about hats.

Monica B., 62, Huntsville, Alabama, Flight Attendant: Monica promises Mel free trips.

Roxanne, 62, Austin, Texas, Longevity Nurse: Roxanne gives Mel a cowboy hat.

Lily, 66, Marion, Ohio, State Park Employee: Lily, exhibiting great creativity, gives Mel some lilies.

Mylene, 61, Las Vegas, Nevada, Casino VIP Host: Mylene comes equipped with champagne, which she pops to get the party started.

Cheryl, 66, Lakewood, Colorado, Retired IRS Worker: Cheryl rides in on a dirt bike. Everyone is very impressed.

And now that all 23 women have arrived, Mel joins them inside the McMansion and addresses the whole podcast thing, stealing Hockey Diane’s “what the puck were you thinking” line.

I dislike him already.

He apologizes and asks them to give him a chance to earn their forgiveness, and everyone is like, “SURE! I DIDN’T PUT ON THESE SPANXS TO NOT DO THIS, RIGHT?”

The first woman Mel speaks with is Cindyrella, who tells them about her three daughters, one son, and one soon-to-be son-in-law. Mel tells her about his sons, prompting Cindyrella to say that “good dads are the hottest.” This is actually a scientific fact.

Cindyrella then adds that her daughter will be getting married in Italy, and that in their family, they have a rule that parents can’t bring a plus one unless they are engaged or married. HINT HINT.

Dodgers Carol explains to Mel that her nephew is Freddie Whomever, and that she used to go to the Los Angeles Rams games back in the day. Considering his first wife wasn’t born by the time he retired from the NFL, I’m sure he’s impressed.

Charo-andra shows Mel that she has his photo on her phone, which … como se dice “stalker” en Español?

As for Nurse Gerri, she tells Mel her whole sob story about losing her husband so young and bringing up a 14-year-old, an 8-year-old, and a 4-year-old alone. She tells Mel that the reason she’s there is because she hasn’t done anything for herself in 18 years. Nurse Gerri then reads Mel a letter her daughter wrote to her, encouraging her to be on the show and telling her how much she inspired her as a mother.

And then we gloss over a bunch of conversations and a limbo game, and suddenly Jesse Palmer is here with the First Impression Rose, and because this is the Golden Bachelor and not the Golden Bachelorettes, everyone in attendance knows EXACTLY what this means and begins panicking.

Mel chats with Dirt Bike Cheryl, who tells him she’s been riding dirt bikes since she was in her 30s — which is a remarkably late age to start riding Dirt Bikes! She then encourages a game of “Would You Rather?” making him choose between mountains and beach, sleeping in or getting up early, physical touch or emotional connection …

(he chooses physical connection, by the way)

… and “Kiss now or kiss later,” and, of course, they kiss.

There are more conversations, and now the sun is not just rising, it is fully in the sky because we apparently started this whole thing at 11 p.m.? How are you making these poor ladies stay up this late? I can’t stay awake past 9:30, and I am a whole generation younger than them! (Yes, I am, shut up.)

Mel grabs the First Impression Rose and gives it to Nurse Gerri, thanking her for sharing that letter from her daughter, which is the first thing this man has done that has made me dislike him a little less. BUT I AM KEEPING MY EYES ON YOU, MEL.

And then it’s time for everyone to line up for the first Rose Ceremony. I at least hope you’ve provided chairs this time?

(They do not provide chairs.)

Rose #1: Bomb Peg
Rose #2: Model Carla (I swear I’ve seen her somewhere before. Anyone have any thoughts?)
Rose #3: Puppeteer Terri
Rose #4: Dirt Bike Cheryl
Rose #5: Football Nicolle
Rose #6: Cindyrella
Rose #7: Momager Amy
Rose #8: Charo-andra
Rose #9: Dentist Monica
Rose #10: Vegas Mylene
Rose #11: Dodger Carol
Rose #12: Texas Roxanne
Rose #13: Flight Attendant Monica
Rose #14: Wine Robin
Rose #15: Hockey Diane
Rose #16: Jazzercise Debbie

Which means we have to say goodbye to Twin Andra, Lily’s Lilies, Bumbling Lisa, Malibu Maia, Compass Susie, and Tracy with the Big Hat. Honestly, ladies, consider this a win.

Here are the ladies who have been eliminated, along with their very not good nicknames:

Here are the women, along with their dumb nicknames, who are still “dating” Mel:

The next day — because, yes, we’re not done here, we have a whole other episode to get through — the ladies move into the McMansion and contemplate the humiliations of having to share a bathroom with five other grown-ass people.

Jesse Palmer arrives and explains the architecture of the week: there will be one very romantic one-on-one date, and then the remaining ladies will go on a “super fun” group date with Mel.

“Dirt Bike Cheryl: I’m looking for a timeless love. Mel.” The card then instructs Dirt Bike Cheryl to go into the next room for a surprise, and sure enough, it’s the “fairy tale date.” Dirt Bike Cheryl has her pick of dozens of ball gowns, fancy shoes, and Neil Lane diamonds.

Some of the other ladies help Dirt Bike Cheryl do her hair and makeup, and are generally sweet and supportive because the first rule of Golden Bachelor is BE SWEET AND SUPPORTIVE. No one wants to see their grandma in a catfight.

Mel arrives and whisks Dirt Bike Cheryl away in a Rolls Royce to dinner on the VERY VERY VERY HAUNTED Queen Mary. Seriously, are they doing a ghost tour after dinner, because, and I’m not even kidding, that would be my dream date. Dirt Bike Cheryl keeps talking about how this date is giving her goosebumps and, like, yeah, because YOU ARE ON ONE OF THE WORLD’S MOST HAUNTED SHIPS, MA’AM, THOSE ARE THE GHOSTS TICKLING YOU.

After chatting about dirt biking some more, Dirt Bike Cheryl opens up about her family and why she’s on the show. Her mother is 93 years old, and Dirt Bike Cheryl is her sole caretaker (which begs the question of who is taking care of Mom while Dirt Bike Cheryl is in California, but I digress). Dirt Bike Cheryl then tells Mel her batshit baby daddy story:

She and her husband were married when she had their son, but her husband never showed up to the hospital when Baby was born.

Husband left her to raise Baby alone, and so her father invited her and Baby to come live with them. About a year later, she’s giving Baby a bath when her father comes in and says, Husband is here and wants to see Baby. So Dirt Bike Cheryl gives her father Baby and when she comes out a bit later, there’s no sign of Husband or Baby.

Husband fucking kidnapped Baby.

She didn’t know where Baby was for a week, but she eventually got him back along with a divorce from Husband. Husband then drops out of their lives again for a while before coming back, and, y’all, she forgave him.

It was hard, she explains, but she felt it was important that Baby have Ex-Husband in his life.

Absolutely not. I am not that bitch. I’m sorry, but you don’t show up while I am giving birth and then you have the fucking GALL to kidnap my baby?

But she’s a better person than I am. And, anyway, Ex-Husband has been dead for 12 years now, so I guess she got the last laugh.

Mel can’t believe this crazy-ass story, either, and offers her the rose. They then watch fireworks and I assume break out their EMF readers and spirit boxes to walk through the ship.

The next day, the rest of the women are brought to the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum, where Mel once played football. There, they will compete in a cheerleading competition, with the winning team getting a little extra time with Mel, and the losing team being sent home to take Epsom salt baths. And the one and only, Paula Abdul, will be joining them to coach them/judge them.

And I could tell you which ladies were on which team, but you don’t care, I don’t care, the better team wins, and that was the Blue Team, which was led by Cindyrella, who had experience as a cheerleader back in the day.

At the afterparty, Mel visits with Dentist Monica, who explains that she grew up in Mississippi, but received a scholarship to USC and moved out to California with the intention of never looking back. But now that her boys are grown, she’s moved back to Middle-of-NOWHERE, Mississippi, to help take care of her elderly parents. She remarried after divorce, but her husband of 12 years died during COVID (see: Middle-of-NOWHERE, Mississippi). It’s been tough, living by herself, and she’s ready to be in love again.

He also spends time with Cindyrella, and apparently has a video for her from one of her daughters: turns out her daughter is a backup dancer for Diana Ross, and when he was growing up, he lived near Diana Ross. Small world! They make out, and he gives her the date rose.

The next day, there is a pool party ahead of the Rose Ceremony, and the most notable thing that happens is that Football Nicolle becomes Handsy Nicolle in the pool in front of everyone and their grandchildren, breaking the First Rule of Golden Bachelor. The other women are Not Impressed.

Alright, dry off, ladies, and go put on your support stockings. It’s time for another Rose Ceremony:

Rose #1: Texas Roxanne
Rose #2: Jazzercise Debbie
Rose #3: Nurse Gerri
Rose #4: Dentist Monica
Rose #5: Fight Attendant Monica
Rose #6: Dodgers Carol
Rose #7: Bomb Peg
Rose #8: Handsy Nicolle
Rose #9: Wine Robin
Rose #10: Momager Amy
Rose #11: Dentist Puppeteer Terri

Which means he is sending some of the best women home already. Time to say goodbye to Hockey Diane, Model Carla, Charo-andra, and Vegas Mylene. That’s right: Hockey Diane and Charo-andra, the only personalities in the entire house so far, are gone in one fell swoop. You’re already fumbling this, Mel.

Here are the ladies who have been eliminated, along with their very not good nicknames:

Here are the women, along with their dumb nicknames, who are still “dating” Mel:

The Golden Bachelor airs Wednesdays on ABC at 7/8 p.m. and streams on Hulu.

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