Bachelor in Paradise
July 21, 2025
Day 8 of Paradise
Having shamelessly flirted with him on her way to bed the night before, Chicken Dance spends the next morning grinding up against Cheeky Mummy, and purring — literally purring like a cat — against his chest. Cheeky Mummy attempts to remain perfectly still, as is advised in most cougar attacks.
Elsewhere, Prince Groupie leads a water aerobics class, and Laughing Queen and RJ in Finance talk about their life goals: mostly, “live someplace warm.”
And that’s when our next man arrives: Gary from Joan’s season of The Golden Bachelorette, nicknamed “Party Gary” because Gary is a one-man party.
I mean, just look at those trunks and tell me this man isn’t a good time.
After a diversion in which Regina George does her first ever body shot off of Willy Wonka in celebration of her birthday, Jessie Palmer arrives with a date card for Party Gary, and encourages him to find a dance partner.
Party Gary chats with Prince Groupie first, talking family and how young they feel — so much so, that they feel like they could be one of the Original contestants, albeit smarter and wiser.
Cut to the Originals trying to figure out what “croquet” is called: crochet or cricket?
He also spends some time with Laughing Queen, who explains that dancing is her “super power” and gushes in an interview that Party Gary “looks into your soul.”
Or …
Despite Laughing Queen being a literal dancing superhero, Party Gary invites Prince Groupie on his date.
Elsewhere, Julia Roberts and The One are relaxing on the beach, talking about how happy they are with how their relationship has developed so far, when The One starts screaming at some birds who are screaming at one another. “They’re in a toxic relationship,” Julia Roberts chirps, “but we’re not.”
And then Julia Roberts decides to ask The One some questions about his relationship with Jersey Girl, namely, if he kissed her outside of the kissing booth tent. To his credit, I suppose, he tells her he did, once, but that it’s not a big deal because he “deaded” it (an expression none of us had ever heard up to this exact moment in time, but which we will not be able to escape for the next hour) and therefore, Julia Roberts shouldn’t care about it.
Julia Roberts does care about it. She cares about it very much, in fact, mostly the part where he wasn’t transparent with her about the kiss, despite their promise to one another to be forthcoming. The One, however, just keeps insisting that he “deaded” it and does not understand what the big deal is and why Julia Roberts wants to keep talking about it.
New “Bachelor” word: “DEADED IT” #BachelorInParadise 🤪😏🌹 pic.twitter.com/BVtAk7rD4W
— Ronnie Eilert (@ronnie22V) July 22, 2025
Julia Roberts eventually leaves this conversation frustrated and irritated, and bitches to Cheeky Mummy, giving this poor man hope that she might — JUST MIGHT — choose him over The One. (She won’t.)
4 Hours to Rose Ceremony
As for Party Gary and Prince Groupie, they go salsa dancing in the rain and manage to not fracture anything. And that’s not a knock on them being old; I genuinely don’t think I could accomplish it.
2 Hours to Rose Ceremony
Everyone arrives to the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail hour where Jessie Palmer gives them a two-hour warning, reminding everyone that the women have the roses, and that three men will be going home tonight. The group determines that means two Goldens and one Original Flavor will be going home because Math.
That is, unless something … wacky … happens.
Llama Drama and Accent Guy have a conversation where she begins raving that he’s like a “puzzle” who “fits into [her].”
Accent Guy:
(Also, I don’t know where this is headed with these two, but the Mom in me needs Llama Drama to slow her roll. I worry she is way too excited about this man WAAAAAAY too early, and he’s not exhibiting the same sort of enthusiasm about her.)
Elsewhere, Captain Kim painfully attempts to flirt with a VERY disinterested Prince Groupie who has all but turned her back on him because NO THANK YOU, Captain Cheeseball.
Later, Chicken Dance tries to approach Captain Kim, but he is like, “Imma stop you right there, little lady: Prince Groupie and I have something special going on (they do not) so all we’re ever going to be is friends (this is certainly accurate).”
Chicken Dance is not amused.
But she is soon distracted when Chef Jack swoops in, tells her he’s been trying to talk to her for days, and before she can actually respond, shoves his tongue down her throat.
It’s an approach.
Chicken Dance is then drawn to Cheeky Mummy, who whines about struggling in Paradise, noting that he gave it an “honest try” with one woman (Llama Drama), and another woman became mad at him for “trying to do something sweet” (Death Threat). Chicken Dance is OUTRAGED that the younger women don’t see the gem they have with Cheeky Mummy, and laments that if he were younger, she’d be “jumping [his] bones,” purely in a spiritual way, of course.
And then she and Regina George literally assault this man, pulling up his shirt so as to fondle his six-pack. Purely in a spiritual way.
BLINK TWICE IF YOU NEED HELP, CHEEKY.
Elsewhere, The One and Julia Roberts are still at odds: he keeps insisting that he “deaded” whatever there was between him and Jersey Girl; she keeps insisting he at least TRY to understand why she’s upset that he wasn’t forthcoming about kissing her. As Julia Roberts tries and tries to explain that she doesn’t want to feel crazy or stupid for being hurt by The One not telling her about his connection with Jersey Girl, The One keeps attempting to interrupt to insist that HE DEADED IT, THEY SHOULD BE PAST IT, AND THEY NEED TO JUST CHANGE THE CHANNEL.
When Julia Roberts says that she wants to turn the TV back on, The One interrupts her again and says that she “reminds [him] of [his] ex.”
Julia Roberts takes her complaints to the other women, explaining that this man has not apologized for kissing another woman and not telling her about it, and that he just keeps cutting her off when she tries to talk to him. She notes that she should have counted how many times she heard “deaded it,” and a voice-over from the producer gods whispers “37.”
Girl, he’s not the one.
1 Hour to Rose Ceremony
Cheeky Mummy makes his move on a vulnerable Julia Roberts, noting that she continues to intrigue him, and that he understands her. In return, Julia Roberts tells Cheeky that she likes talking to him and that she’s looking for someone who can speak to her in full sentences.
Cut to: The One telling a bewildered Party Gary that he needs someone who is “10 toes down,” and “cut from the same cloth.”
The One’s cloth:
The One keeps bitching to anyone who will listen (Overcompensating and Too Much) that Julia Roberts shouldn’t have brought all this up right before a Rose Ceremony, that they just have “different upbringings,” that the women in HIS life are “10 toes down” and “keep shit tight,” and that he “deaded” it.
DALE #BachelorInParadise #BIP #BachelorNation pic.twitter.com/zTFqrxeiCy
— Justin Fish (@JustinWFish) July 22, 2025
Time to deaded this cocktail party, and for these dingalings to line up for the Rose Ceremony:
PowerPoint: Too Much
Selfie: Overcompensating
Llama Drama: Accent Guy
Laughing Queen: Party Gary (!!!!)
Prince Groupie: Captain Kim
Regina George: Clark Griswold
Starla: Golden Retriever
Death Threat: Big Check
Julia Roberts: The One
Chicken Dance: Cheeky Mummy (!!!)
Laughing Queen beating Prince Groupie to give Party Gary her rose should have been the Big Surprise of the Rose Ceremony. But Chicken Dance is not to be upstaged, darlings, and everyone is SHOOK she gave her rose to Cheeky Mummy, despite the fact that she was literally groping this man while purring like a cat not 36 hours earlier.
This means a couple of important things:
1. We are going to say goodbye to Willy Wonka, RJ in Finance, and Chef Jack
2. And for those of you keeping score, that is THREE Golden Men and ZERO Original Men. And for those of you who understand how this show works, that means there will be a very big power differential moving forward.
Oh, and the argument between The One and Julia Roberts still hasn’t been deaded.
Day 9 of Paradise
The repurcussions from the previous night begin to sort themselves out the next morning: Laughing Queen is trying to stake her claim on Party Gary to Prince Groupie’s great annoyance; and Captain Kim, our resident poet, has written the most cringe-worthy ode to Prince Groupie, “The Lady with the Rose,” that he insists on reading aloud to her while everyone watches in deep, soul-shaking embarassment.
They also — and by “they,” I mean the Golden Ladies — convince themselves that thanks to Chicken Dance giving her rose to an Original Flavor, thereby causing an imbalance in the numbers of Golden Men to Golden Women, the producers will send in more Golden Men. It’s only fair, right?
Instead, in comes Nancy from Gerry’s season, whom I insensitively called “Hearing Aid” because she connected with Gerry over their shared use of Hearing Aids.
And Lea from Joey’s season, whom I nicknamed “Frodo” because she was given a mystery date card that allowed her to steal any one-on-one date, but she chose to burn it in the fire rather than exploit its powers.
Unsurprisingly, the Golden Ladies are the ones on the defensive this time, seeing as they are at a numerical disadvantage, and the fact that the remaining Golden Men keep talking about how “hot” Hearing Aid is.
So when Jesse Palmer arrives and gives our newcomers date cards, and Hearing Aid asks to speak with Clark Griswold, Regina George becomes alarmed. Fairly so, apparently, because once alone with Hearing Aid, Clark Griswold IMMEDIATELY assures her he and Regina George are just pals.
Hearing Aid also talks to Party Gary, which makes Prince Groupie a little squeamish, seeing that she’s already having to fight off Laughing Queen for his attention.
Speaking of Laughing Queen, she reassures herself that everything is going to be fine because they are obviously going to send in more Golden Men, right?
Cue the next arrival: Faith from Gerry’s Season, whom I nicknamed “Biker Chick” because she rode into the McMANsion on a motorcycle.
And even the Golden Women can do the math: there are six of them and only three Golden Men. May the odds be ever in your favor, Ladies!
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays on ABC at ⅞ p.m. and streams on Hulu.