The Bachelor
March 10, 2025
No, I haven’t forgotten about The Bachelor, it’s just hard to care about some doff finding love with another doof when, you know, ~gestures at everything~
BUT WE’RE GONNA DO THIS. BY GOD, WE’RE GONNA DO THIS.
Round everyone up and grab the llama, we’re headed back to the Bachelor studio for the “Crying Girl Women Tell All” nightmare. The women who will be screaming at each other include:
We begin with the obligatory question about what the first night was like: nerve-wracking, obviously.
Jesse Palmer notes that Model Chloie became a fan favorite after she donned the t-shirt that literally fell into her lap from T-Shirt Gun’s t-shirt gun, and she quips that when “life gives you lemons, put the T-shirt on.” And I hope you enjoyed your moment of Model Chloie, because that’s all you’re getting.
Instead, we’re going to spend the entirety of the evening focusing on Crying Girl, and we’ll start by pointing out her ridiculous “LOOK AT ME” outfit: A powder blue suit that has “CRAZY AND EVIL” scrawled across the back. “Something I have going for me is the fashion,” this lunatic actually says.
After a montage of bad behavior — mostly on the part of Crying Girl — Jesse Palmer opens the discussion with someone who is not there: T-Shirt Gun. T-Shirt Gun pulled out of the villain gate early in the season (only to later be blown past by Crying Girl) when she stole Grant during the basketball game with the kids. As Miss Dominican Republic helpfully explains, the editing made it look like she and Grant were only gone for five or ten minutes, but in reality, she kept him to herself for over an hour. Miss DR then adds that it was fine for T-Shirt Gun to set the tone that she’s “not here to make friends,” but she doesn’t then get to cry about the other girls not being her friend.
Jesse Palmer also points out that Big Head had her own conflict with T-Shirt Gun, and Big Head is like, “Yeah, I made the nasty comment about her dress being short, but I’ve apologized. We’re actually all good now and honestly, T-Shirt Gun is misunderstood as a person, and deserves some grace.”
Jesse Palmer then returns to the real star of the night, Crying Girl, and asks her if at the time she thought she had upset people with “the dance,” and Crying Girl protests she didn’t because she was the only woman who didn’t get a kiss from Grant on night one. Leaving aside that these two things have nothing to do with each other (except for the common denominator of Crying Girl’s insecurities), it also manages to piss off a number of the women on the panel who point out that they didn’t kiss Grant on the first night either, and still managed to not give him a lap dance in front of God and everyone.
Jesse Palmer then turns to A Rose is a Rose, and asks her what the Hell happened. She explains that she and Crying Girl were roommates and off-camera they were chatting and comparing notes. Crying Girl wanted to know EVERYTHING Grant said to Rose, and when she told her, Crying Girl took it and ran straight to Grant. A Rose is a Rose didn’t realize Crying Girl was even upset: at the time, she was giggling with her. And so when Crying Girl went to Grant with all this, Rose was blindsided.
Jesse Palmer asks Crying Girl why she felt the need to go to Grant, and she tries to deflect, asking if they can have this conversation with Grant present, because he needs to take some responsibility for what happened. Which honestly isn’t unreasonable. But the other women are ready to get their yell on, and demand to know why she chose to even bring it up when she already had a rose, taking time away from the other women.
Chaos erupts, and all I can hear over the cacophony of voices is Crying Girl screaming, “CAN I FINISH?!?!”
After a commercial break, Jesse Palmer gives Crying Girl the floor again, and she begins by saying that she came to Grant from a place of wanting to protect A Rose is a Rose. Miss Dominican Republic tries to interrupt, but Crying Girl just yells, “CAN I SPEAK? CAN I SPEAK? CAN I SPEAK?” until everyone is like, “Jesus, get on with it already.”
Crying Girl insists that she told Grant that the person who gave her this information didn’t do so with bad intentions and that he shouldn’t “make it a thing,” at which point Hand Model tries to interject. “CAN I PLEASE FINISH? CAN I PLEASE FINISH?” Crying Girl screams again before adding that she told Grant to “not look into it,” but then he went and asked A Rose is a Rose about it anyway.
Hand Model, Esq. points out that Crying Girl can’t be upset that Grant did to her what she did to Rose. Crying Girl whines that she took the heat for that, to which Vicky Vegas asks what was even the point: the man was dating 25 women at the same time.
Screaming resumes.
Jesse Palmer intervenes and moves the conversation to Madrid, asking Hand Model what happened there. Hand Model explains that in Madrid, Grant pulled her aside and asked her what she thought about Crying Girl because he was hearing that she was a problem. Hand Model told him only positive things about her, which, as it turns out, bit her in the ass, because the very next week in Scotland, the week before the Dreaded Hometowns, Crying Girl monopolized his time with her sulking.
Crying Girl argues that in Scotland she “wasn’t sitting by [herself] purposefully.”
She then claims that no one was speaking to her that morning; they were all giving her the cold shoulder. Crying Girl pouts that it got to a point where no matter what she did, it was a problem with the other women.
So then Jesse Palmer brings up Crying Girl and Hand Model’s TikTok feud, which I have been kinda following but don’t entirely understand? The long and short of it is, they left the show hugging, but then exchanged vaguely shady posts on TikTok, and Crying Girl threatened to reveal text messages between them. It’s really not worth all the energy being exerted here.
Eventually, Hand Model claims that she bought Crying Girl another week in Madrid: Grant was going to send her home, but Hand Model vouched for her. As Jesse Palmer throws to commercial, Crying Girl begins wiping away tears before storming off the stage.
And then we’re onto the “couch” portion of the proceedings. First up: Llama Mama. After her montage, Jesse Palmer asks her how she feels, and she notes that it’s bittersweet. She really thought she’d be going to the Dreaded Hometowns, and she managed to avoid most of the drama. But by the time they were in Scotland, Crying Girl a dark cloud had set in, and she was shocked to be sent home. She also notes that receiving the First Impression Rose might have actually doomed her, because so much time had elapsed since her date with Grant. And honestly? It’s a good point that is often overlooked: sure, you don’t want to not receive a one-on-one date, like T-Shirt Gun, but you also don’t want to be one of the first, either. For one, all the momentum can die off quickly as the Bachelor feels obligated to take other people on dates in subsequent weeks; but for another, if you get one of those early Los Angeles dates, you’re less likely to get a fun European date. The trick is to hang in long enough for date four or five.
Anyway, they bring out the llama.
Next on the couch is Big Head, whose only biggest moment on the show was telling Grant that it wasn’t that she was holding back emotionally from him, she just knew her Mom was watching and didn’t want Mom to see her making out with Grant. Big Head is brought to the couch mostly so Jesse Palmer could tell her that they reached out to her mother. Mom appears in a video telling Big Head that she watched the show, saw the kiss, and is so proud of the woman Big Head is becoming. (It’s genuinely very sweet.)
Hand Model joins Jesse Palmer on the couch to discuss her disastrous Dreaded Hometown visit. We learn that contrary to what was said on the show, Hand Model was the one who ultimately decided to not include her family in the episode. Apparently, there was a rift amongst her brothers about whether or not to participate, so she chose to avoid the conflict altogether and not involve any of them. Hand Model regrets it now, but also seems peeved that her family not being involved was clearly a bigger deal to Grant than he let on during the taping. She and Jesse Palmer also discuss her making herself more “vulnerable” with Grant, but I don’t really care.
We then return to the Crying Girl Show, as, having returned to the studio, she joins Jesse Palmer on the couch even though I’m pretty sure we’ve all heard enough out of her. Once there, she cries through her montage, obviously, and she and Jesse Palmer discuss her “instant connection” with Grant.
Crying Girl also discusses her epilepsy, which she blames for people mistreating her. Oh, honey, no, your epilepsy isn’t why people don’t get along with you.
As for the whole A Rose is a Rose fiasco, while Crying Girl is sorry that Rose was run over by the whole thing, she still insists that her conversation with Grant could not be avoided.
Jesse Palmer asks her how much she thinks the other women influenced Grant’s decision to send her home, and she sighs that it was a lot. She then claims that she took accountability for what she did to A Rose is a Rose, but no one will take accountability for what they did to her.
Hand Model, however, can not believe what she is hearing and comments that Crying Girl clearly has not learned what the word “accountability” even means. Hand Model goes on to explain very carefully: accountability is not, “I’m sorry Rose is upset.” Accountability is, “I am sorry I betrayed your trust and went to Grant with information I did not clear with you first. I’m sorry I did that and I am sorry that even today I continue to refuse to acknowledge the part I played in destroying y’all’s relationship.”
Crying Girl insists that she has apologized to Rose, and asked her what she could do to help, but A Rose is a Rose disagrees. Crying Girl becomes defensive, again, and argues that A Rose is a Rose wasn’t even angry at her when it happened, she was mad at Grant.
Hand Model interjects, again, claiming that they all tried to give her compassion and understanding. In response, Crying Girl accuses her of chasing her through the castle in Scotland.
A reenactment:
Jesse Palmer steers the conversation away from Hand Model, asking Crying Girl about being “blindsided” in Scotland, and she agrees that she was, before adding that the worst part of it all was hearing Grant tell Hand Model that he “clocked” what Hand Model was trying to tell her about Crying Girl. Crying Girl insists that a man who can be so easily influenced by others about her isn’t the man for her, and when he comes out later, she hopes he takes some accountability for the entire Rose mess.
So they finally bring Grant out, and he opens by complimenting the women on how smart, creative, and beautiful they all are, and how they helped calm his nerves on that first night.
Jesse Palmer then directs him to Llama Drama, asking why he gave her the First Impression Rose, and Grant explains that she was funny and kept him on his toes. She notes that she felt confident in their last conversation but understands that he had to make some tough decisions, letting him off the hook like the polite Canadian she is.
Worry Stone and Selfies take turns praising Grant for his job as The Bachelor.
As for Hand Model, she also compliments Grant, but then notes that she was taken aback when she watched the Dreaded Hometowns and Grant said that her family not showing up was a make-or-break situation for him, because he never expressed that to her. Hand Model tears up, and Grant assures her that it wasn’t because her family didn’t show up, it’s because he just wasn’t that into her as a person, it just wasn’t what he was looking for. He goes on to insist the family thing wasn’t that big of a deal: had they continued, he would have met them eventually. Grant then talks a lot about how he was more concerned about how she was feeling because he knew it must have been difficult for her to not have her family show up.
Jesse Palmer then moves on to Crying Girl: Grant insists that nothing went wrong in his relationship with her because of who she is as a person; his relationships with other women just progressed more. Crying Girl is like, “That’s fine. What I want to know is when you supposedly ‘clocked’ something about me that Dina told you.'” Grant explains that he could tell that she wasn’t happy on their group date, and she demands to know if he was basing that on her sitting by herself because THE THING IS EVERYONE HATED HER AND WERE SUPER MEAN TO HER AND THAT’S WHY SHE WAS BY HERSELF IT WAS THEIR FAULT NOT HERS.
The other women are like, “Oh come on .. ” and Jersey Girl claims that Crying Girl isolated herself on the very first night. Big Head adds that they all tried to be friends with her, but she came here super defensive.
Jesse Palmer interrupts to ask Crying Girl if she has any final questions, and she just pouts that she was confused by their final goodbye, but adds that she doesn’t expect to get any answers.
Jesse Palmer then challenges Grant to a chubby bunny contest and I am going to sue ABC for those five minutes of my life back.
Then, thanks to some Disney synergy, they bring out the “Magic Mirror” from the hated live-action Snow White movie to ask a few questions:
Q: Who was the sleepiest of them all?
A: Big Head
Q: Who was the messiest of them all?
A: PowerPoint Girl
Q: Who was the cleanest of them all?
A: Hand Model
Q: Who loved the mirror most of all?
A: Grant
Q: Did Grant really tell A Rose is a Rose that he was thinking of her when he was dancing with Crying Girl?
A: Yes? Kinda, yeah?
Grant insists that what he actually meant was that he was thinking about her when they were ALL dancing, not when he was dancing with Crying Girl. But that he takes the blame for the miscommunication.
And then A Rose is a Rose and Crying Game agree that it was all a misunderstanding, and we can stop talking about this forever and ever, amen.
We close out with bloopers, a preview of the final two episodes, and a teaser about Bachelor in Paradise which will be on by the time I finish recapping this season at the rate I’m going. And I don’t know what is going to happen over the next two episodes, but whatever it is … does Grant regret everything?
That doesn’t look like the face of a man who is happily engaged rn #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/RWZ8FDKmXm
— bachbitch (@bachbitch1) March 11, 2025
It doesn’t look great!
ALRIGHT! ON TO THE NEXT!
The Bachelor airs on ABC on Mondays at 7/8 p.m. and streams on Hulu.