Finally, the ‘Golden Bachelorette’ fin -YAWN- le

The Golden Bachelorette
November 13, 2024

The only foreshadowing in tonight’s episode features Joan standing on a beach in an evening gown with a half-smile of anticipation. I think we’re getting a happy ending, guys.

But first, we’re in the Bachelor Studio with Jesse Palmer, a bunch of Goldens and our next Bachelor, that Grant guy who is either from Houston or New Jersey or somehow both? Unclear.

After establishing the fact that yes, we will be in the Studio for the evening, we return to Tahiti where Joan is pouting to Nancy about being dumped by Frenchie. Nancy is like, “Yeah, it sucks but 1. you’re not ‘unlovable,’ 2. don’t give that French ding-dong your power and 3. if I’m remembering clearly, there are two other guys that you were more into anyway? You’ll be fine.”

And sure enough, Joan is fine, and informing us that the last stage of her journey is in Bora Bora where Chock Full o’ Soup and Dr. Guy will be meeting two of her four children. Why didn’t the other two kids get a free trip to Bora Bora? I can’t say, but I suspect Thanksgiving was tense.

Before bringing Chock Full o’ Soup into the mix, Joan meets with her daughter Allie and her husband, and her son Nick and his fiance, and is like, “Quick recap: 24 dudes, I’ve narrowed down to two guys: Dr. Guy who is an ER doctor with anger issues and Chock Full o’ Soup who is from Kansas. You’re meeting soup guy today.” Joan then tells her kids that she’s worried about whether she was honoring their father’s memory by even wanting to have another person in her life, but they’re like, “No, it’s fine, I guess,” which is all she needs to hear before running outside to collect Chock Full o’ Soup.

So Chock Full o’ Soup, this guy, he comes in and immediately after meeting this woman’s children, begins telling them that when he brought their mother to meet his family, the first thing he did was shove his tongue down her throat in front of everyone to establish his dominance show them how much he cares about her. And he’s going to do that right now for the same reason.

The kids:

Chock Full o’ Soup goes on to tell them that he didn’t apply to be on the show, his daughter submitted him because she knew Joan would be the perfect woman for him, and she was right. 

The kids:

Joan’s son Nick takes Chock Full o’ Soup aside first, where Chock Full o’ Soup insists that he’s in love with his mother, and wants to spend his life with her. Nick lets Chock Full o’ Soup know that whoever his mother chooses has big shoes to fill, but Chock Full o’ Soup insists he’s not trying to replace his father. Considering all of Joan’s kids are grown-ass adults, some with their own children, I SHOULD THINK NOT, SIR.

Meanwhile, Joan talks with her daughter Allie, who reassures her mother that it’s good to see her do something for herself. Joan notes that when Dead Husband died, he left a vacuum that could never be filled, and she acknowledges that she wasn’t the only one who lost him — her kids were ripped off by his death, too.

Joan then visits with Nick, who claims to like Chock Full o’ Soup. He’s not particularly convincing.

Her children tell Joan that they are proud of her for being courageous and taking this risk, and that they are proud to be her children, specifically the children she loved enough to bring to Bora Bora for free.

That bit of business out of the way, Joan and Chock go on their “last date” and by “date” I mean, she goes to his hotel room where they drink some champagne, and he gives her a card in which he has written a message about looking forward to moving to New York City with her —

— and gives her a keychain for this mythical New York apartment that no one has ever mentioned before. Since when did New York get involved? Neither of y’all live anywhere near New York City, so why are we dragging New York into this? WHY NEW YORK?

Chock Full o’ Soup goes on to tell Joan that meeting her has changed his life, and that he’s crazy about her, he wants to marry her, spend his life with her, that he loves her.

Joan narrates that this is the first time someone has said those words to her since Dead Husband, EXCEPT CHOCK FULL O’ SOUP TOLD HER THAT HE LOVED HER ON THE FANTASY SUITE DATES. You can not gaslight me, ma’am.

Joan tells Chock Full o’ Soup that he can’t reciprocate the sentiment because she promised herself she wouldn’t say she loved anyone until the end of her journey. Chock Full o’ Soup is undeterred and keeps telling her that he loves her, over and over again. Joan hints that she’s “keeping things inside” but after she leaves, Chock Full o’ Soup worries that she might be in love with Dr. Guy since she didn’t tell him that she loves him back.

The next day it’s Dr. Guy’s turn to meet the kids, and he’s SO EXCITED!

However, Joan is in her cabin where she admits that she has fallen in love with Chock Full o’ Soup, and she knows what she has to do.

Joan surprises Dr. Guy at his hotel room, where he’s excited to see her — but not for long. Joan explains that all of this has become very real for her during the Hometowns, and that when she saw him with his children she could picture a life with him.

BUT.

Her heart belongs to someone else and he needs to go ahead and go home now, kbai.

Dr. Guy is blindsided and begins sobbing. Joan apologizes, as Dr. Guy tells her that he has fallen in love with her and that he wasn’t expecting this at all. Is there any chance to change her mind? Joan tells him this is pathetic insists there isn’t, and that she loves him, too, but in a different way.

Dr. Guy isn’t done though, and he tells Joan that he was ready to tell her children that he was going to propose, that he knows they would be happy together. He woke up in such a good mood that morning because he really thought this would happen. But Joan’s like, “NOPE,” tells him that he will always be a part of her life and literally kisses him goodbye.

Dr. Guy stands in the rain and sobs.

Back in the Bachelor Studio, Jesse Palmer and Dr. Guy are on the couches talking about how heartbreaking the whole thing was. Then Joan comes out and joins them, and Dr. Guy asks her if something was missing that he should have anticipated. Joan tells him it was just the opposite: she never thought she could have strong feelings for two people, but she was getting there with him. She uses the old Bachelor excuse that it was a time issue with her — maybe if they had more time together things could have been different … BUT OH WELL, MOVING TO NEW YORK WITH SOUP DUDE, GOODBYE. They agree to be friends, the end.

Back in Bora Bora, Joan gets dressed for her big, anti-climatic proposal. She explains that she woke up thinking about Dead Husband that morning, but that she didn’t feel sad; she felt happy about how her future looks brighter thanks to Chock Full o’ Soup.

As for Chock Full o’ Soup, he admits he never thought he’d be proposing to someone again, but here we are. He wants to live life and have a partner in crime and he found that in Joan.

Jesse Palmer greets Chock Full o’ Soup before sending him off to the Proposal Station, and Chock Full o’ Soup reiterates his concern that Joan hasn’t told him that she loves him. WHAT IF HE’S NOT WHO SHE WANTS?

But then he approaches her at the Proposal Station and he tells her that this has been a magical journey and she’s the most selfless woman he’s ever met in his life and that she’s the most important thing to him and he’s going to tell her that he loves her every single day of his life.

Joan tells Chock Full o’ Soup that since their first date at Disney, for the first time since Dead Husband she saw a future with someone else. She realized when he left after his mother’s death that she couldn’t do this journey without him and that she’s waited all this time to tell him that she loves him and wants to spend the rest of her life with him.

He proposes; she says yes. She offers him the final rose; he says yes.

Joan and Chock Full o’ Soup then join Jesse Palmer in the Bachelor Studio where they tell him it feels good to be able to celebrate publicly. Joan goes on about how hard it was to not tell Chock Full o’ Soup that she loved him, and Jesse Palmer confirms that their love is apparent by the way they are glowing.

We also learn that Joan’s grandsons are named “Boomer” and “Maverick.” I will refrain from commenting further.

Jesse Palmer announces that ABC is sending them and their families to Disney World, because gotta work that synergy. Joan and Chock Full o’ Soup make no promises to immediately get married because someone learned from Theresa and Gary.

Instead, we immediately move on to a sneak peek of the next season of The Bachelor which begins next week; this snow better melt because Momma needs to stock up on box wine.

Rose #1: Chock Full o’ Soup

Here are the men who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

Here is the man along with his dumb nicknames who “will marry” Joan:

The Golden Bachelorette streams on Hulu.