‘The Golden Bachelorette’: Abandon Ship

by Therese Odell, posted in the golden bachelorette, the golden bachelorette: season 1

The Golden Bachelorette
October 16, 2024

This episode’s foreshadowing moment finds Joan taking Kelsey’s Dad aside for a private chat while the other men are like, “Good for him!”

Spoiler alert: It is not good for him.

The episode begins with A LOT:

I mean, God bless Frenchie, he’s in great shape for his age, but no thank you, please.

As he steams his own shirt in his panties, Frenchie explains that the house is a lot quieter now that it’s down to seven men. And next week is the Dreaded Hometowns, so soon they’ll be down to the final four.

As for Joan, she meets poor put-upon, keeping-the-Bachelor-franchise-alive-on-your-shoulders-and-the-stability-of-your-21-year-marriage Trista Sutter at a coffee shop to discuss her “journey” so far, and receive some much-needed advice. Trista says the usual thing: don’t hold back, go all-in, trust the process, blah.

Joan takes this all in, but admits that she’s still thinking about her dead husband, and despite his insistence that she move on and try to find love again, she’s feeling guilty about all of this.

Oh, and they kinda just slip in that she’s not going to hand out any roses on any of this week’s dates?

Back at the McMANsion, the first date card arrives: “Clark Griswold: I want a love that gets better with age. Love, Joan.”

Clark Griswold — who won the First Impression Rose eight years ago — meets Joan at a helicopter for his first date with Joan, still worried about how badly he flubbed his conversation with her at the last Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party. The two fly around Southern California for a while, making the required pass over the McMansion to make the other men jealous. It works.

The date takes Joan and Clark Griswold to a winery where they do a wine tasting led by the couple who owns the winery, and who, like Joan and Dead Husband, have been married for 32 years. Joan notices this coincidence and has a little sad.

Once alone, Clark Griswold opens up a little more to Joan about the end of his marriage: his ex-wife had addiction issues and he needed to keep his daughters away from her for their own safety and stability. It’s been more than 10 years since they have seen her, and he admits to maybe using humor to not talk about this dark part of his life.

Joan asks what a Dreaded Hometown would look like with him, and it’s exactly what one would expect: a backyard barbecue with his three daughters.

Joan notes that Clark Griswold is someone who has depth and that she finds it validating that he sees a future with her.

Great, but does she see a future with him?

Back at the McMANsion, Kelsey’s Dad is Having a Moment. He tearfully explains to Frenchie that he was starting to have doubts about his being on the show (maybe because it’s the last episode before the Dreaded Hometowns and he still hasn’t had a one-on-one date). But then he saw a hummingbird, which he regards as a sign from Dead Wife, and he believes it was a message from her telling him that he’s on the right track. Kelsey’s Dad feels good! he tells Frenchie. He feels really good!

The second date card arrives: “Dr. Guy; Pickleball; Eyes Wide Shut; Frenchie; Chock Full o’ Soup: Our love has no time to spare. Love, Joan.” The men immediately are like “Bowling.”

Also, this means Kelsey’s Dad will receive the final one-on-one date. Chock Full o’ Soup glowers with jealousy.

The men meet Joan at the bowling alley, where she’s rolling strikes. She passes out bowling shoes and bowling shirts to the men, and Frenchie, he is not OK with his polyester mess.

As for the date itself, it’s a bowling date, there’s not a whole lot to say about it. The one point of tension is that Chock Full o’ Soup is done with this bullshit of having to share Joan and manages to place himself in such a way that he’s the only one able to sit next to her, irritating the other men, especially Dr. Guy. In a move that feels designed not to learn more about Joan, but to mark his territory, Chock Full o’ Soup begins asking Joan questions like “Can I just take you home?” and “Which side of the bed do you sleep on?”

At one point, Dr. Guy is like, “HEY MAN, GIVE OTHER GUYS A CHANCE WITH HER,” but it doesn’t seem to really deter Chock Full o’ Soup, and Joan doesn’t appear to talk to the other men until she takes the time to sit with them individually.

Eyes Wide Shut tells Joan about his mother being in a bowling league in Kansas City and shows her his mother’s driver’s licenses — which is kinda weird or kinda sad, I’m not sure which.

Joan tells Frenchie that she spends a lot of time with her children and grandchildren and he’s like, “I’m fine with that.” Sir, that’s great, but you don’t get a vote?

Dr. Guy tells her that he’s happier than he’s been in a long time and that she’s the reason why.

Pickleball is excited at the idea of introducing her to his children and family.

And with Chock Full o’ Soup, they discuss looking forward to being a part of a couple again, and not coming home to an empty house. Chock Full o’ Soup insists that he sees a future with her.

And with that, no one receives the rose. SORRY.

Finally, Kelsey’s Dad’s date: he’s so excited and the other men are so excited for him and it’s all such a low-speed car crash that you can’t stop from happening but you also can’t look away.

Joan picks him up in a fancy Porsche convertible and drives him to the yacht that they will be enjoying for the day. Once on the boat, with champagne in hand, these two people have NOTHING to say to each other. It’s painful. DRINK MOAR.

Eventually, the captain emerges and delivers them a letter that explains they are going to go on a scavenger hunt which will help them learn more about each other.

Joan and Kelsey’s Dad are first challenged to play Never Have I Ever, in which we learn that Joan has never seen the Northern Lights and that Kelsey’s Dad has never woken at night to feed a baby.

SIR. YOU HAVE FIVE CHILDREN. WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT RIGHT THIS MOMENT?

They also reveal they have never told someone that they loved them first, they’ve always been second. And they talk about how they each envision being with their person in five years.

They sit down with a charcuterie board, and open up to each other about losing their respective spouses. Kelsey’s Dad discusses how his wife was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer, and how she lost all of her beautiful hair to chemo, but hated wearing wigs. He adds they did get to enjoy life together and see many things, but that they just ran out of time.

Kelsey’s Dad then asks Joan if she believes in signs — which she does, as we’ve established with the whole hawk thing — before telling her about seeing the hummingbird at the McMANsion and believing it was a sign from Dead Wife that he is on the right track, and that he should be pursuing this.

Joan becomes emotional, and agrees that it is comforting to know that their loved ones are still there and with them. She adds that she needs Dead Husband still, and hopes he never goes away, their spouses will forever be in their hearts.

The next day, the men are discussing how happy Kelsey’s Dad was when he returned from his date and how he’s a shoo-in for a Dreaded Hometown Rose.

And then Joan arrives, well ahead of the evening’s Rose Ceremony.

Joan finds Kelsey’s Dad and, as foretold in the prologue, she takes him aside for a talk. There, she tells him that while they had a great date and their relationship grew, and she was moved by the hummingbird thing, she went home last night feeling like something was missing. When she woke up, she had clarity: this ain’t it.

Joan puts the onus on Kelsey’s Dad, telling him that she came in too early on his journey, suggesting that he’s only now healing from his wife’s death some six and a half years ago, whereas her husband has only been dead for two and a half years and she’s been making a LOT of noises about feeling guilty about moving on and being unsure she’s ready to move on but OK THIS IS DEFINITELY KELSEY’S DAD’S FAULT. And long story short, she needs someone who is as far along in this journey as she is.

Kelsey’s Dad handles all of this pretty well considering Dead Wife spent all that energy sending a hummingbird to him to tell him that she was cool with him dating Joan. He tells Joan that this experience has changed him, and made him into a better father and human being.

Joan thanks him and tells him that she loves him, and that he made a big difference on her heart. With that, Kelsey’s Dad goes inside and breaks the news to the other men that he’s being sent home. There are many old man tears.

But dry those tears, gentlemen, we’ve got a Rose Ceremony to take care of:

Rose #1: Frenchie
Rose #2: Chock Full o’ Soup
Rose #3: Dr. Guy
Rose #4: Pickleball

Which means it’s time to say goodbye to Clark Griswold and Eyes Wide Shut. Joan specifically asks to walk Eyes Wide Shut out. On the Breakup Driveway, Joan tells him that he is a special human being and that he has left an impression on her heart. Eyes Wide Shut tells Joan that she made him feel seen, and validated a lot of his values as man and father.

So who you got as the next Golden Bachelor? Because it’s definitely going to be either Kelsey’s Dad or Eyes Wide Shut — they have both received The Edit:

Here are the men who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

Here are the men along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Joan:

The Golden Bachelorette airs Wednesday on ABC at 7/8 p.m. and streams on Hulu.

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