‘The Bachelorette’: Taking multiple shots at love

by Therese Odell, posted in the bachelorette: season 21

The Bachelorette
July 8, 2024

Welcome to season TWENTY-ONE of The Bachelorette, the first season that can legally drink. And boy howdy, we’re gonna need to.

We begin the season with a little teaser from this season’s finale: Jenn is telling some man rather forcefully that she can’t let him propose to her, before putting the final rose back down in its tray. Jenn then confirms with Jesse Palmer that she’s fine with whatever is about to happen next, before storming into someone’s hotel room in full glam. Now! I will note that the dress she’s wearing on the proposal platform is different than the dress that she is wearing when she marches into that hotel room, so it is entirely possible that these are two different moments being stitched together for the dramaz. But I guess we will see.

But before we get to all that, we have eight weeks of nonsense to get through, beginning with tonight’s meet and greet and yeet — after we spend five minutes pretending to get to know our new Bachelorette. 

And I already feel like I’m being gaslit, because here we are, meeting our new Bachelorette, Jenn Trann in Boston where she’s going to school to become a physician’s assistant. Which, good for her! But I thought she was from Miami? That’s what her biography said during Joey’s season and that’s what her current biography on ABC.com says and yet here we are in Boston playing tennis and basketball and lacrosse and wandering around the halls of Tufts University collecting compliments from her instructors?

We also take the time to remind everyone that she was unceremoniously dumped by Joey last season which, coupled with her parents’ unhealthy marriage, made her feel like she would never truly be loved by anyone. After being “heartbroken” by Joey (THEY WENT ON ONE [1] DATE, Y’ALL), she went home to her family. In Miami, right? RIGHT?

Nope. New Jersey. She grew up in New Jersey and that’s where her family lives. SO WHERE DOES MIAMI COME INTO THE PICTURE?

Ugh. Whatever. The point is, her mother immigrated here from Vietnam, and she just wants Jenn to find a good man who will take care of her.

ABC then does one of the weirdest and most uncomfortable things I’ve ever seen in one of these intros: they have Jenn meet two strangers, Asian women who are fans of the show and are excited that she is the Bachelorette this season, the first Asian lead in the franchise’s history. And I appreciate that they want to demonstrate how much representation matters, but it feels very hamfisted and just …. weird to have Jenn be accosted by these strange women who are her peers instead of, I don’t know, talking to friends about the sense of responsibility that she bears or young cousins or nieces to demonstrate that she recognizes her position as a role model? It just feels half-assed and slapped together, is what I’m saying, 250 extraneous words later.

With that taken care of, Jenn is sent to Los Angeles to do photo shoots and look at dresses and apply more product-placed makeup to her already made-up face before heading out to meet the 25 men of this season. 

Except WHAT’S THIS? It’s NOT the McMansion. WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH THE LOCATIONS THIS SEASON?

Jesse Palmer doesn’t try to gaslight us into believing that this is the McMansion, fortunately, but he doesn’t explain why the hell we’re there, either. According to TV Line, it’s because the show immediately leaves for Australia after filming the premiere episode, but that still doesn’t explain why that first night wasn’t filmed at the Bachelor McMansion? I assume it just wasn’t available (it’s owned by a family, not ABC) but the whole thing feels strange.

MOVING ON.

After assuring Jesse Palmer that she is very excited to meet these men and to be the Bachelorette, the first limo arrives:

Marcus (31, Army Ranger Veteran Raleigh, North Carolina): Marcus opens by saying that he has three big dreams: 1. Serve his country; 2. Go to outer space; 3. Be humiliated on a nationally televised dating series Find his person.

A video package explains that Marcus was an Army Ranger who liked to throw himself out of airplanes, and had been deployed six times. His last mission, however, went sideways when a grenade was thrown into the compound he was in the middle of clearing. Marcus woke up in a hospital in DC and spent the next two months in rehab. Oh, and he hasn’t dated anyone in 5 years. SO HE THINKS THIS IS WAY TO GET BACK ON THE HORSE?

Anyway, Major Tom is excited to be here.

Marvin (28, Luxury Event Planner, Santa Monica, California): Marvin is very tall and speaks French at Jenn.

Sam N. (25, Entrepreneur, Carlsbad, California): Sam N. opens with a confession: He’s a virgin. BUT WAIT, he’s a love virgin, meaning, he’s never been in love before.

In a video package, we learn that Sam N.’s family is from Iran and they have very traditional attitudes towards relationships, so he has literally never had a girlfriend.

Also, he curls his eyelashes.

BUT ALSO, DID TWO RATS JUST RUN PAST THEM?

I mean, if that’s not foreshadowing …

After Jenn compliments his eyelashes, Love Virgin gives an interview to producers where he insists that they call him a “Jenn-tleman.”

The Producers: “No.”

Grant (30, Day Trader, Houston, Texas): Grant opens by beatboxing at Jenn before singing at her. It’s not great.

In his video package, Grant explains that like Jenn, he’s from New Jersey. He was the first Division One basketball player drafted from his high school, and after college, he played basketball professionally overseas. When that career ended, he returned to the States and got into finance, and if the Porsche he’s driving in the package is any indication, he’s either doing quite well at “finance” or is comfortable with taking on a lot of debt. Who can say?

Alright, but what about Houston? Why does it say you live in Houston, sir, when you’re driving around Jersey in this Porsche? WHY IS EVERYONE LYING ABOUT WHERE THEY LIVE?

Sam M. (27, Contractor, Myrtle Beach, South Carolina): Sam opens by asking Jenn to picture her life 50 years from now, waking up on a Saturday morning to him cooking her breakfast. He walks in with two shots in his hands … does she know what time it is? And the answer is: “It’s Shot O’Clock.” Because what is better on an empty stomach than bacon and eggs and tequila shots?

See, when Jenn was announced as the new Bachelorette on the After the Final Rose special, she brought shots with her and said it was “shot o’clock” which in and of itself gave me second-hand embarrassment. But even more embarrassing is this guy telling this weird story about breakfast and shots and it being “shot o’clock” and thinking that repeating her own dumb phrase back to her face “shot o’clock” would be clever, memorable, and unique.

It won’t be.

In a video package, we learn that Sam was engaged to his high middle school sweetheart, only to have her cheat on him. But he’s going to keep chasing his dream of being a husband and father and “keep the main thing the main thing,” whatever the hell that’s mains means.

Thomas N. (31, Retirement Adviser, Tucker, Georgia): Thomas Ngyuen brings Jenn a friendship bracelet with his last name on it, because at the end of this journey, he hopes they will be in a Nyguen-Nyguen situation.

In a video package, we learn that Thomas was an Olympic hopeful for swimming until he tore his rotator cuff. He also reveals that his parents, like Jenn’s, immigrated here from Vietnam and sacrificed everything so that their three sons, including Thomas, could live out their dreams.

Brendan (30, Real Estate Broker, Vancouver, British Columbia): This weirdo makes his entrance by chomping into two habanero peppers to prove that he “loves getting [his] heart racing” and that he can “handle the heat,” before running inside in a panic desperate for water.

Dakota (27, Sommelier, Paradise Valley, Arizona): Shows up sabering a bottle of champagne! Marry him!

Kevin (35, Financial Analyst, Denver, Colorado): Shows up wearing Will Forte’s face and ski boots! Why!

Spencer (30, Pet Portrait Entrepreneur, Dallas, Texas): Shows up with pocket squares! No, but why!

Brian (33, Aesthetics Consultant, Boynton Beach, Florida): Shows up with two giant syringes filled with shots because it’s “SHOTS O’CLOCK!” Oh no!

It’s giving way coked-up too much energy.

Matt (27, Insurance Executive, Atlanta, Georgia): Shows up with ginger shots because he’s a ginger! OH NO!

Austin (28, Sales Executive, San Diego, California): Shows up with a fire extinguisher! Again, but why!

Ricky (28, Pharmaceutical Representative, Miami, Florida): Shows up with a dumb song imagining her naked under her scrubs and stares at her chest the entire time! OK, bye!

Tomas A. (27, Physiotherapist, Toronto, Ontario): Shows up WITH PUPPIES. MARRY HIM!

Jonathan (27, Creative Director, Los Angeles, California): Shows up on a stretcher, in a hospital gown, his face wrapped in bandages. Upon getting off of the stretcher, this guy tells Jenn that he has a case of lovesickness, before heading up to the NotMcMansion, revealing that he’s not wearing anything under said hospital gown.

Please note: we have replaced the black box with a rose. I REPEAT: we have replaced the black box with a rose.

Aaron (29, Aerospace Engineer, Tulsa, Oklahoma): Aaron arrives on a motorcycle with a sidecar and tells Jenn that he wants to live an adventurous life.

In his video package, we learn that this guy is Noah Erb‘s twin brother; that Noah and Abigail are engaged; he wants to be an F-22 Raptor pilot; he got married at 21 and it ended in divorce but he thinks his heart is ready to be in love again.

Jeremy (29, Real Estate Investor, New York, New York): This one pulls up in a rented Corvette and upon exiting the vehicle, tosses his keys to Jesse Palmer as if he’s the valet.

He proceeds to tell Jenn that he knows what people say about guys who drive cars like this: that they are overcompensating. But he wants Jenn to know that he has a really … big … and then instead of some clever punchline, this guy lands with “penis” (though it is bleeped out).

HIS OPENING LINE IS THAT HE’S GOT A BIG DICK. And not even some funny innuendo or pun for having a big unit; he just comes right out and is like, “HUGE COCK, THIS GUY.”

Put him back in that car and have him drive away now, Jenn, for all our mental health.

Dylan (24, Medical Student, Elk Grove, California): Arrives with a stethoscope, explaining that he’s taken the MCAT and wants to become a doctor.

In his video package, Dylan explains that his grandmother had breast cancer when he was young, and after shadowing all of her doctors, he decided he wanted to become a doctor, too.

John (25, Medical Student, Delray Beach, Florida): John is also a medical student, but instead of playing that up, he places a box at her feet, helps her onto it, and tells her that he’ll always place her on a pedestal. He’s very very tall.

Brett (28, Health & Safety Manager, Manheim, Pennsylvania): Brett has big Jason Kelce energy and is feeling great! He’s in a mansion, meeting a beautiful girl! HE’S LIVING THE DREAM!

Moze (25, Algebra Teacher, Albany, New York): Moze tells Jenn that she’s been in his dreams the last couple of nights. Creepy.

Jahaan (28, Startup Founder, New York, New York): Jahaan gives her the queen from a chess set because she’s a queen or something.

Devin (28, Freight Company Owner, Houston, Texas): His opening line is that he’s a man of many words but that she’s left him speechless.

What leaves me speechless is wearing these dorky white sneakers with a suit:

In a video package, we learn that Devin is a self-described loudmouth; he was raised by a single mom; he has a big personality; and (~sigh~) he’s from Houston.

Jenn declares that he has a “Pete Davidson vibe” which I suppose means that he’s inexplicably attractive to women who are way out of his league.

Hakeem (29, Medical Device Salesman, Schaumberg, Illinois): This guy arrives cosplaying as the house from Up.

And with that, we’ve met all 25 men Jenn will date this season, so time for a generic toast that will deliver our key phrase for the season (“ferocious love”) and we’re off to the races.

Breakfast Shots grabs Jenn first, and tells her that he really resonated with “ferocious love” but he calls it a “reckless love.” OK BUT FEROCIOUS AND RECKLESS ARE NOT SYNONYMS. Not that this stops Jenn who immediately begins yammering about taking a chance on love and the possibility of being hurt and everything happening for a reason and blah blah blah blah blah. Breakfast Shots goes in for a kiss, but Jenn turns her cheek just in time, dodging it because YOU’RE THE FIRST BOY. DAMN. CALM DOWN.

Jenn then talks to the guy who brought her pocket squares for some baffling reason, and after assuring her that he’s thrilled she is the Bachelorette, reveals that he’s a “pet portrait entrepreneur” which means he scans pet photos into a computer, and then turns them into “art” also known as “phone cases.” Jenn declares that he has “golden retriever energy” which is not inaccurate.

Jenn then chats with Mr. Nyguen, and realizes that they have very similar backgrounds: their parents immigrated from Vietnam; her mother gave up medical school to be in the States, his mother dropped out of pharmaceutical school to take another job so that she could sponsor her entire family to come to the U.S.; they both recognize how much their parents sacrificed so they could live their best lives. 

The group then plays a game of Truth and Dare:

  • Mullet streaks the house.

  • Ginger imitates a chicken.
  • The Twin plays air guitar.
  • Jason Kelce does the splits (!).
  • Dr. Pedestal says he wouldn’t give a rose to Beatboxer.
  • Win-Nyguen imitates Jenn by offering himself the rose.
  • Mr. Math says that he ghosts people “all the time,” leading The Up House to make this face:

Look at The Up House out here giving great face. I love him already. He’s our new Justin:

The Love Virgin takes Jenn aside to tell her, again, that he’s never had a girlfriend …


Before telling the producers that he wants their “souls to kiss, not lips.”

Our Cheeky Mummy explains to Jenn that he covered up his face so that she would get to know the man he is on the inside, first.

OH WHAT AN ORIGINAL IDEA.

Cheeky Mummy has Jenn unwrap his face, and once revealed, she is like, “Yep, that’s a face.” Jeff above was a weirdo, but at least he committed to the bit and kept the mask on for more than 15 minutes.

Jesse Palmer then arrives with the First Impression Rose, so cue the general freakout.

Mr. Math bores Jenn with an algebraic equation.

Jason Kelce reveals that his party trick is to do the splits.

The Up House performs a secret handshake with Jenn that ends with him kissing her hand.

And then Overcompensating decides it’s time to take Jenn out to his rental car — except he doesn’t bring the keys for some reason. They are chatting in the car, Jenn in the driver’s seat, when Coke-Up Energy Too Much arrives, keys in hand, and demands that Overcompensating leave. There’s a tense stand-off … for about three seconds … before Overcompensating takes his supposed giant dick and leaves.

Jenn chats with Pete Davidson When You Order Him from Temu, who opens up about being raised by a single mother which somehow leads to Jenn talking about shaving her toes? MA’AM. THE FIRST RULE OF BEING FAMOUS IS YOU LEAVE YOUR FEET OUT OF IT. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE WIKIFEET WEIRDOS ARE CAPABLE OF.

Beatboxer decides that he’s going to get the first kiss of the night by humiliating Jenn on the basketball court. For some reason, this fails.

Major Tom comes at Jenn with a bunch of sincerity, telling her about throwing himself voluntarily out of airplanes and enjoying rock climbing.

The Twin tells her about being Noah’s twin. Jenn gamely pretends to know who this “Noah” is.

 

 

But girl, for real, you gotta hand out that First Impression Rose already, IT IS LITERALLY DAWN:

And so she does, giving the First Impression Rose to Breakfast Shots, who also receives that kiss he was denied earlier. Except it’s not just a kiss; it’s a full-on, face-eating makeout session.

Once they adjust their clothes and are upright again, it’s time to hand out the rest of the roses:

Rose #1: Dr. Stethoscope
Rose #2: Win-Nyguen
Rose #3: Golden Retriever
Rose #4: Beatboxer
Rose #5: Major Tom
Rose #6: PUPPIES!
Rose #7: Dr. Pedestal
Rose #8: Overcompensating
Rose #9: Temu Pete Davidson
Rose #10: Too Much
Rose #11: The Twin
Rose #12: Checkmate
Rose #13: The Up House
Rose #14: Cheeky Mummy
Rose #15: Mullet
Rose #16: Frenchy
Rose #17: Love Virgin

Which means the men who must go away now are: Habanero Pepper; Jason Kelce; Sommelier; Will Fauxte; Ginger; Mr. Math; and My Eyes Are Up Here, Buddy.

I’m sorry, Jason Kelce, Bachelor Nation was genuinely rooting for you, buddy.

Oh, and they’re all going to Australia. Like RIGHT NOW. See y’all Down Under.

The Men Who Are Soon Going to be Dumped by Jenn:

The Men Who Have Been Dumped by Jenn:

The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Mondays at 8/9 p.m. and streams on Hulu.

Leave a Reply