‘The Bachelor’: Home is where the tears are

by Therese Odell, posted in the bachelor: season 28

The Bachelor
March 4, 2024

FORESHADOWING ALERT: Mr. McPoyle, Margaret McPoyle’s father, who looks like he was rendered by A.I. with the prompt: “Aging Canadian rock star from a band whose name you can’t quite remember,” is chatting with some other unidentified people about how Margaret McPoyle has never brought someone home before, much less been affectionate with someone in front of them. GUESS WE’LL SEE HOW IT GOES, Mr, McPoyle ominously warns.

But first, we’re headed to New Orleans for the first of the Dreaded Hometown Dates, i.e., The Most Boring Episode of the Entire Season. Joey meets Voodoo Doll in New Orleans’ City Park where they ride a tandem bicycle and eat beignets (visitor pro tip: there is an outpost of Cafe Du Monde in City Park and the beignets are just as good as those in the Quarter, but without the lines and the complete insanity). Voodoo Doll also spots butterflies in the park and proclaims them to be signs from her dead mother. She cries. A lot.

Voodoo Doll then brings Joey into the Quarter because the show crew isn’t going to come all the way to New Orleans and not get some French Quarter footage, are you crazy? They head to what looks to be Molly’s at the Market to chat about Dead Mom, again, and to fill up on a little liquid courage before going to meet her father and siblings.

Not that they need it, as Voodoo Doll’s father and her sister are very gentle, sweet people. Also, the fans have decided that Voodoo Dad should be the next Golden Bachelor, and … it’s hard to argue:

I can’t vouch for her brother as he says exactly nothing during the entire visit.

ANYWAY. They arrive and tell her family about their travels and dates, and her father shares a family photo album, filled with pictures of Dead Mom, causing yet more tears.

Voodoo Doll’s sister takes her aside for a chat where Voodoo Doll admits that she finds herself holding back a little with Joey, out of fear that there are still other women involved. Her sister appreciates that she doesn’t want to get her heart broken, and tells her that she only wants her to be happy and that she should go for it.

Joey, meanwhile, visits with Mr. Doll, who explains that he’s looking for his daughter to be with a man who will love and protect her the way he does and that he’s skeptical of this whole dating other women business. He goes on to tell Joey that he knew Voodoo Doll’s mother was the one when he met her, and wonders how Joey will know when or if he finds “the one.”

Joey agrees that the whole situation is difficult, and adds that he is doing his best to be intentional with every word. That said, he tells Mr. Doll that his feelings for his daughter are there and they are very real.

Voodoo Doll then talks with her father where she brings up Dead Mom again, and what a good husband he was to her through all the difficult times of her illness, and what a good father he was to the five kids, taking care of all of them after he had lost the love of his life. There is so much crying, y’all.

Voodoo Doll goes on to tell her father that she wants a relationship like that and adds that she can see Joey being that kind of husband. Voodoo Doll tells her father that she thinks she’s in love with Joey, and Mr. Doll is like, “That’s great, and I hope that you get engaged at the end of all this.”

With that, Kelsey walks Joey out, and he tells her he’d be lucky to be a part of her family, and she talks about how Dead Mom’s presence was there with them all night. WELL, SHE CERTAINLY WAS DISCUSSED A LOT.

Next stop: Rancho Cucamonga, California to meet Lei Me’s family.

NOW WAIT JUST A HOT MINUTE: We’re not going to Hawaii? We’re going to some suburb of Anaheim? I thought Lei Me’s whole thing was that she was Hawaiian and we don’t get to go to Hawaii? Huh.

Lei Me explains that while Hawaii is home, Rancho Cucamonga is where her aunt lives and is therefore a “semi-home” for her.

The show has flown her family out to California, which I suppose was cheaper than flying an entire crew out. Before introducing Joey to her family, Lei Me teaches him how to perform a “mano po,” a gesture of respect in Filipino culture, when he meets her mother. As for her father, the rule is to call him “Mr. Nance” up to and until he tells Joey that he can refer to him as “Uncle.” (He will never tell Joey he can call him “Uncle,” not even if he proposes to Lei Me.)

Before they head inside her aunt’s house, Lei Me explains to us that she was engaged to the last person she brought home to meet the family, and he left her heartbroken. Her parents took it particularly hard, and just want to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

OH THIS SHOULD GO WELL.

They head into her aunt’s house where they are having a luau: roasted pig, party games, leis, and more. After Joey greets everyone, including performing the mano po for her mother, he’s a full participant in the festivities: eating the pig ear to demonstrate his interest in Lei Me, and participating in a complicated dance thing with sticks? I don’t know, but he’s having a good time.

Mr. Me, not so much:

I love him.

Lei Me first visits with her father who is happy that she seems happy, but is worried that if she isn’t the one Joey proposes to, she will be devastated all over again. Lei Me assures him that Joey is a good man and good to her and that she feels safe with him. She adds that her father is her “number one guy” and his opinion means everything to her. And that’s when this big bear of a man finally cracks a little, becoming emotional. It is INCREDIBLY SWEET.

Meanwhile, Joey visits with Mrs. Me who is like, “Yeah, you seem nice and all, but I’m skeptical of you, of this relationship, this whole show, and I am pretty sure my daughter will end up hurt in the end. Good luck, though.”

When Lei Me talks to her mother, Mrs. Me is like, “Nice guy, but three other women …” before urging her daughter to protect her heart.

Joey visits with Mr. Me who warns Joey that he doesn’t want to see his daughter hurt again, and wants her to be with a man who will take care of her in every way. Joey notes that Mr. Me seems like a very traditional man, and therefore he would like to have his blessing to ask for his blessing if the time comes, and Mr. Me is like, “Yeah, my daughter has my phone number if it comes to that.”

Good answer.

As for Lei Me’s sister, she’s the only member of the Me family who encourages her sister to lean into this thing and open up her heart lest she miss out on real love.

Lei Me then leads Joey out of the party where she bursts into tears. She is embarrassed to be crying in front of him, but considering the emotional rollercoaster her entire family just threw her on, it’s understandable. She explains to Joey that her parents urged her to protect herself, whereas her sister told her to open up to him. Lei Me adds that she is definitely falling in love with him and sees a future with him, which, Joey insists, he’s been waiting for weeks to hear. And then he peaces out before the tears start up again.

Stop Number Three is Becker, Minnesota, where Christmas Tree’s family has their Christmas Tree farm.

You’ll never guess what they do on their date.

Oh wait, you said: “Visit the Christmas Tree farm?” Then, yeah, you did guess it. They visit with Santa and Mrs. Claus, make ornaments, hang a “wish” on a “wishing tree,” and chase some very uncooperative alpacas around a pen for some reason.

Alpacas: “OH FUCK NO.”

They then meet up with a gaggle of Christmas Tree’s friends …

… and she tells them that Joey has made her feel like she is worthy of love, despite having a cochlear implant.

MA’AM, FOR THE LAST TIME: Having a cochlear implant does not make a person unworthy of love and, in fact, it’s not really that huge of a deal for most normal people. I understand that losing your hearing and having this surgery was traumatic for you, but MY GOD.

Christmas Tree takes him to meet her family, including parents, grandparents, and siblings. They, like Christmas Tree, are uniformly adorable. Christmas Tree and Joey tell them about her receiving the first one-on-one date, how he didn’t have any idea that she was deaf, and how interested he was in her condition.

Christmas Tree asks her younger brother how college is going, and when he answers that he’s having fun, she starts crying because for the first time since she’s had the implant, her brother’s voice sounds like his voice — which means her implant is improving. Joey is moved to witness the moment.

Joey has a conversation with her mother, where she admits that the hardest part of all this is the fact that he’s still dating three other women, and asks if they have said they love each other yet. Joey Tree admits they have not, but that the feelings are there. Joey tells Mrs. Tree that there is something special between them, but explains that Christmas Tree wanted to see how her family interacted with him before allowing her feelings to really develop, especially after all of her health issues.

Mrs. Tree, taking a completely different tack than Mrs. Me, sits Christmas Tree down and is like “Girl, you need to go for it.”

Christmas Tree then chats with her father who also recognizes that his daughter is putting up a wall between herself and Joey. Mr. Tree assures his daughter that it is natural to be afraid of getting hurt, but encourages her to put herself out there if she feels like she’s falling in love with Joey. What’s the worst that could happen, he asks; it’s not like she’ll lose her hearing.

We love Mr. Tree.

With that, Christmas Tree is convinced, and as she says her goodbyes to Joey, she tells him that she is falling in love with him, and she has been this whole time. As Joey climbs into the airport shuttle, he says he can see Christmas Tree as his wife.

Final stop: Niagra Falls, Canada where Joey meets Margaret McPoyle. They ride on the Maid of the Mist and do shots of maple whiskey just to really lean into the Canada of it all.

After their boat ride, Joey sits Margaret McPoyle down to talk about what happened the previous week when she tried to stomp off the show. She admits that she was really scared when she saw that he was establishing real feelings for other women, and it got the best of her. Joey insists that he’s not worried because she became scared  — that’s a perfectly normal and understandable reaction — but she freaked him out when she nearly left the show, explaining that he needs the woman he will be with to have zero doubts about being with him. Margaret McPoyle insists that she doesn’t have any doubts, before revealing to him that she’s never brought anyone home to meet the family before.

Joey:

On the one hand, he notes, it is now evident to him how special he must be to her to be the first person to introduce to her family … but on the other hand, what’s wrong with her that he’s the first person she’s introduced to her family?

BEGIN THE OVERTHINKING.

And then we meet the McPoyles — and I need to add here that the entire time Mr. McPoyle is on screen, the producers choose to play Godfather-esque music under the scene. Which is funny, except that he’s Greek, not Italian, and SPOILER ALERT: he’s not actually moblike or scary at all.

Still, Joey doesn’t know that, not at first. After the scene that opened the episode takes place, Joey and Margaret McPoyle arrive and enjoy a dinner of stuffed peppers with Mr. McPoyle, Margaret’s brothers, and a friend of hers. At the table, Mr. McPoyle reminds Joey that his daughter has never brought anyone home before, and the last thing he wants to see is his kid get hurt. DOES JOEY UNDERSTAND THAT?

Margaret McPoyle first chats with her friend and tells her that Joey is someone she can see herself falling for. That said, there are still three other women involved, and Margaret McPoyle begins crying when talking about how much that worries her, and how hard it is to let down her guard.

AND THAT’S FOUR FOR FOUR CRYING HOMETOWNS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! We have ourselves a superfecta!

Meanwhile, Joey talks with her father who insists he knows that Joey has feelings for his daughter before explaining to Joey that Margaret is the “greatest thing in the world” and that since the accident the two of them have been inseparable. Mr. McPoyle asks about the other women situation and Joey explains that though Margaret has expressed feelings for him, he has not expressed anything back to anyone because he doesn’t want to say the same thing to four different people. Joey tells Mr. McPoyle that his only concern with Margaret is that she sometimes holds back from him which scares him. That said, if he were to propose to her, he would like to have Mr. McPoyle’s blessing. And despite all the scary gangster music playing underneath this, Mr. McPoyle happily gives it to Joey, saying that he will respect his daughter’s decision, and fantasizing about a “big fat Greek and Italian wedding.”

Mr. McPoyle then talks to his daughter, noting that she appears to be guarding her heart. Mr. McPoyle assures her that Joey cares about her, and it looks like she cares about him, too — that she’s glowing in a way he’s never seen before. Mr. McPoyle tells Margaret that Joey is a good, down-to-earth guy, and that if it doesn’t work out, at least she tried. He then tells her that Joey asked him for his blessing (which, technically, it wasn’t quite that simple) and Margaret lights up. OH MOMMA NO, IT WAS ONLY A HYPOTHETICAL. Mr. McPoyle then tells her that if she were to get engaged, he’d be the happiest man in the world.

OK, BUT I LOVE ALL THESE DADS, THOUGH. THESE ARE GOOD MEN.

Joey and Margret McPoyle then watch a collection of home videos from her childhood before she walks him out to the airport shuttle. But when she puts him in the van, she hesitates and doesn’t tell him that she is in love with him, a decision that she immediately regrets.

And then we are all arriving at the Hometown Week Rose Ceremony Plane Hanger, and this is going to sound very Old Lady of me, but with the exception of Margaret McPoyle, what is going on with these ladies’ shoes? I had noticed all season that Voodoo Doll, in particular, is drawn towards ugly chunky heels but apparently, her bad taste in shoes infected Lei Me and Christmas Tree this week as well.

God forbid this turn into a foot fetish website or all of these pictures get downloaded to Wikifeet, but let’s go to the tape:

Voodoo Doll’s heels:

Christmas Tree’s heels:

Lei Me’s heels:

Margaret McPoyle’s heels:

Now, they are all wearing lovely dresses:

 

… but as you can see, only Margaret McPoyle understood the shoe assignment.

And I say this as a huge hypocrite who has given away all of her stilettos because I am way too old for that shit, but these women are in the PRIME years of their ruining their feet, and can make a little more effort than your elderly maiden aunt at the church hall wedding.

Was that too mean? OH WELL TOO BAD.

Joey finally arrives but before he can make his judgment based on their footwear, Margaret McPoyle asks to speak to him privately. AGAIN.

Lei Me: “AGAIN?”

Once alone, Margaret McPoyle explains that she doesn’t want to have any regrets coming out of this, but she does regret one thing: not telling him that she is falling in love with him until now. Joey is like, “Got it,” and they return to the Rose Ceremony where Lei Me is, understandably, in full irritation mode.

But she needn’t be because:

Rose #1: Christmas Tree
Rose #2: Voodoo Doll
Rose #3: Lei Me

Which means the woman who must go away now is Margaret McPoyle and her on-point shoes.

Joey walks her out and tells her that she said everything that he needed to hear, but he just can’t move forward with her with the doubts that still linger. Margaret McPoyle sighs that she understands but as soon as she gets into the Go Home Now Minivan, she laments that if telling him that she is falling in love with him isn’t enough, she doesn’t know what else she can give him.

Oh, sweetie, that’s not the problem. The problem is you played dumb high school games, trying to make him “fight” for you. And while I’m sure there are plenty of people who would like to see you as The Bachelorette, it’s unlikely to happen, not when we have some really strong sob stories to explore with Christmas Tree and Sporty Spice. But I promise you, you’ll be getting one of those plane tickets to Puerto Vallarta come June.

Here are the ladies who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Joey:

The Bachelor airs on ABC on Mondays at 7/8 p.m. and streams on Hulu.

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