‘The Bachelor’: Taking the plunge

by Therese Odell, posted in the bachelor: season 28

The Bachelor
February 26, 2024

Annnd we’re back to the dark flashforward: This time Margaret McPoyle is telling Joey that she doesn’t like the fact that he is connecting with other women and that she doesn’t know if he can do this anymore.

But before that happens: MOUNTAINS. The show has moved to Jasper, Alberta, Canada, the center of Jasper National Park, and it is quite lovely. The six remaining women arrive at their very nice accommodations and marvel at the natural beauty around them.

Their wonder quickly evaporates as the anxiety sets in: who will receive the coveted one-on-one dates on this Very Important Week ahead of hometowns? Each of the six women has had a one-on-one, so using math, it would make sense that the two women whose dates were the furthest in the past — Christmas Tree, who had the first one-on-one on week two; and Go-Kart Girl who had a one-on-one in week three — would be the most likely to receive these dates. This, however, does not prevent Margaret McPoyle from loudly and repeatedly moaning about how she REALLY WANTS A ONE-ON-ONE DATE … despite just having had one days before.

The first date card arrives: “Christmas Tree: Let’s ride off into the sunset together.”

Again: using math, this is not a surprising result. Christmas Tree hasn’t been alone with Joey in FIVE WEEKS. And yet, despite the fact that this week has just begun, and that there is another one-on-one available, Go-Kart Girl is out here in a full-on sob that she didn’t receive the first one-on-one date.

As for Christmas Tree’s date, it is, as you might have guessed, horseback riding. It is very boring.

They eventually arrive at the world’s best-traveled hot tub which has, once again, been abandoned out in the middle of some random field, and I guess the couple has a conversation in it. We’ll never know because the conversations in the hot tub aren’t what the hot tub dates are about. They’re about getting young hot 20-somethings into bathing suits.

The tension on this particular date is that Christmas Tree is the only woman who hasn’t fallen over herself to tell Joey that she’s “falling” for him, and according to her, it’s going to stay that way. Sure, she likes him and all, but telling him that she is falling in love with him would be a lie, and she’s not going to lie to him just to get a rose.

And you know what? FAIR ENOUGH. They have been on one (1) one-on-one date so far, SO OF COURSE SHE IS NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM.

And that’s essentially what she tells him over dinner. When Joey asks her what she thinks about him possibly meeting her family next week, she agrees that it is an important step for her. She explains that while she does want him to meet her family, it also worries her a little: these are the people who took care of her when she was terribly ill, and they will have a lot of tough questions for him and his readiness to take care of her if the worst were to happen.

She tells him that she really likes him, but if she’s being completely transparent, she’s not in love with him yet. She can see herself getting there, and if there is anything that makes her doubt that, she will tell him.

Joey admits that this is difficult to hear, but that he appreciates her honesty, and he gives her the rose despite her not deluding herself into believing that she’s IN LURVE.

And then they strap on some ice skates and play a little hockey? Sure. OK. Why not.

Back at the hotel, the group date card is delivered and there’s a plot twist:

“Miss Universe Jamaica Barbie; Margaret McPoyle; Lei Me; and Go-Kart Girl: Let’s take our love to the great outdoors. Love, Joey.”

Which means a mere two weeks (maybe even a week-10 days, I don’t have the shoot schedule) after her last one-on-one date, Voodoo Doll has received another.

Go-Kart Girl is SUPER PISSED.

As is Margaret McPoyle who just had a one-on-one date with Joey a few days ago.

MA’AM, NO.

As for the group date, the women are introduced to a formidable woman who happens to be a champion lumberjill.

Like anyone who exists on this planet, there have been times I’ve wondered whether or not I missed the one thing in life that I could have been a genius at. Like, had my parents put me in, say, piano lessons at 3 would I be a concert pianist now? What if I had some undeveloped artistic talent or a brain for science or math and it was never cultivated? What if my great calling in this life was something other than telling dozens of people what happened on TV shows that they’ve already watched, and I missed it?

But what I can tell you with absolute CERTAINTY is that in no parallel universe is my calling “championship lumberjill.” More power to these women (who have a lot of power, trust) but I am not cut out for cutting logs.

ANYWAY. The lumberjill, she teaches the women how to saw logs and chop wood and frankly all of it looks like A Not Good Time. Margaret McPoyle is cut from the same cloth as your trusty blogger and pouts and sighs and huffs her way through all of it, including a lumberjill competition that they are forced to participate in.

Miss Universe Jamaica Barbie, she wins the competition. But Go-Kart Girl, she’s not going to be outshone and interrupts one of Joey’s interviews to make out with him while the other women look on in horror and irritation, most notably Margaret McPoyle. “DOES SHE NOT SEE I HAVE AN AXE IN MY HAND?” Margaret McPoyle grumbles. (Though that’s not much of a threat, as we all saw in the axe-throwing competition.)

That evening at the cocktail party, the women have a chance to tell Joey what a hometown visit will be like, and to their credit, they’re not overselling it:

Go-Kart Girl warns that other hometowns will be more fun and comfortable, noting that there will certainly be a culture clash with her Vietnamese mother. Miss Universe Jamaica Barbie warns Joey that her religious father doesn’t even have any idea that she’s even on The Bachelor, so that might be awkward. Lei Me is the upbeat exception, telling Joey that her family will love him; and ohbytheway, free trip to Hawaii.

And then there is Margaret McPoyle.

First of all, we are in the middle of North Dark Wilderness Canada in November, and this woman is wearing this outfit which I would have questions about if she were wearing it in Miami in July:

MA’AM. NEVER MIND THE CROP TOP IN SUB-ZERO TEMPERATURES; THAT SLIT IN YOUR SKIRT GOES TO YOUR CHIN. HOW ON EARTH ARE YOU WEARING UNDERTHINGS WITH THAT?

So Margaret McPoyle, she is upset that she is on a dating show and that she is not the protagonist. Which is a thing that happens on this show.

When she (VERY CAREFULLY) sits down with Joey, Margaret McPoyle explains that she’s come to realize that maybe she’s not actually cut out for this whole dating-a-guy-who-is-dating-a-bunch-of-other-women thing. The problem is, she is really into him, and the hometowns, they mean a lot to her as she’s never brought someone home before. And it was made obvious to her during the group date today that he really is making strong connections with these other women, and that doesn’t sit right with her. As a result, this might be the final straw for her and she might have to leave the show right now.

Joey: “What the fuck?”

And I’ll tell you what the fuck, Joey: Margaret McPoyle here, she’s deeply insecure and playing a game. She wants you to confirm that she’s the one — she wants, she needs for you to “fight” for her, to reassure her that you are going to choose her in the end and that you’ll just be going through the motions with everyone else.

But since you can’t do that, she’s going to dramatically leave the room whispering that she’s not able to do this anymore and hope that you chase after her and beg her to stay.

And when you don’t do that because you’re now worried that she’s unstable and unreliable and you can’t count on her saying yes if you were to propose to her, she will come back in and tell you that she overreacted and she wants to stick it out and see what happens.

But Joey, after having been pretty confident about her, he’s now a little gun shy with Margaret McPoyle and when he rejoins the group, he announces that he can’t give out the group date rose that night because SOME PEOPLE HAD TO GO AND PLAY MIND GAMES.

As for the final date, Joey and Voodoo Doll go into “town” and spend the day hanging out, drinking cocoa and beer, and playing pool with the locals.

At the pool hall, a “Typical Canadian” …

just happens to tell them about the local polar bear plunge which just happens to be happening that day (despite the fact that polar bear plunges typically take place on New Year’s Day and this is all clearly being filmed sometime before Thanksgiving [U.S.])-– WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?!?!

And on a whim, these two wacky kids decide to throw caution to the wind and participate in the polar bear plunge with the other 6 people The Bachelor producers were able to convince to join them (read: production assistants).

And so they polar bear plunge. They put on bathing suits that they just happened to have brought with them and they run into the lake wearing goofy hats, and then they run back out again and get into a sauna.

Now, I am currently writing this from the shoreline of beautiful Lake Tahoe, which you could not get me into on this gloriously sunny day in March if you paid me while also threatening my dogs and parents, so I am not here to belittle the courage it takes to run into a freezing cold Canadian lake in the middle of (or beginning of) winter. At the same time, this whole dumb fake thing feels dumb and fake and I’m struggling to take any of it seriously.

That evening over dinner, Joey and Voodoo Doll discuss what the hometown would look like, and about her connection with her father, and how he had to remain strong after her mother’s death. There are tears.

There is also some conversation about the potential proposal in a few weeks and Joey assures Voodoo that if he gets down on one knee, it will be because he is 100% confident that this woman is the one he wants to be with, and he will not be torn between two people. With that, he offers her the date rose and she agrees to introduce him to her family.

They then go outside to make out uncomfortably close to an elk.

Finally, the Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party, except: no cocktail party. JUST LINE UP, LADIES, JOEY’S MADE UP HIS MIND.

But Margaret McPoyle, she’s not going to be undone by Jesse Palmer and his “rules” and she asks Joey if they can chat before he starts handing the roses out. He agrees, but is clearly irritated. Once alone, Joey reminds Margaret McPoyle that the last time he saw her, she was halfway out the door, and he’s not going to beg her to stay. Margaret McPoyle explains that her insecurities got the best of her, but that she wants to be here, and she’s not running away.

Joey: “HMMPH.”

With that, they return to the Rose Ceremony:

Rose #1: Lei Me
Rose #2: Margaret McPoyle

Which means the women who must go away now are: Miss Universe Jamaica Barbie and Go-Kart Girl.

And listen, y’all were both lovely women, but next time maybe leave out the part where your families are nightmares and will complicate your future lives and just, I don’t know, hire some actors to play your families during the hometowns or something.

It’s not goodbye; it’s “see you in Paradise.”

Here are the ladies who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Joey:

The Bachelor airs on ABC on Mondays at 7/8 p.m. and streams on Hulu.

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