‘The Bachelor’: Spiraling

by Therese Odell, posted in the bachelor: season 28

The Bachelor
February 19, 2024

This week’s flashforward is an uncharacteristically happy one: Margaret McPoyle and Joey, in the back of a limo, with her coaching him to say “je t’amie,” and her replying “merci” each time he does. It’s cute and I hope somewhere in Rhode Island, Toddlers and Tiaras is gagging.

This week, the producers have dragged the women from the sunny shores of southern Spain and sent them to Jesse Palmer’s hometown, Montreal, Canada, for that whole Paris’ second cousin once removed experience.

Before he heads to the dates, however, our dear Joey has something of an emotional breakdown in what appears to be the woods, but what I assume is some city park (parc) somewhere. Joey explains that he’s recently been filled with fear that this whole thing isn’t going to work out, that he can’t be perfect, happy Joey all the damn time, that there’s a lot of things wrong with him and he’s terrified that no one is going to accept him for his true self.

But Joey BETTER PULL IT TOGETHER because he’s got a date with eight women to get to in downtown Montreal.

Upon arriving in Canada, Jesse Palmer explains to the women that they are going to do things a little differently this week: the group date card is arriving first, so the two women who do not hear their names called know they will be going on the one-on-ones.

As for who will be going on that group date: Christmas Tree; Ms. Science; Voodoo Doll; Go-Kart Girl; Lei Me; Sporty Spice; Frodo; and Starla. Which means Miss Universe Jamaica Barbie and Margaret McPoyle will be going on the coveted one-on-one dates. 

Frodo:

As for the group date, the eight women meet Joey in Old Montreal where he explains Jesse Palmer has sent them on a scavenger hunt of his favorite places around his hometown.

First up: Jesse Palmer’s favorite Chinese-made Canadian chapeau seller:

(And I suppose the producers received explicit permission from the Canadian authorities to show the flag and Maple Leaf in this episode as opposed to on the first night because Maple Leaves are EVERYWHERE.)

Our monsieur de chapeau gives them another card that sends the group to Jesse Palmer’s favorite chess player, who in turn gives them a card that leads them to Jesse Palmer’s favorite restaurant.

At the restaurant, they make individual poutines, and Go-Kart Girl creates an abomination involving pineapple chocolate sauce and Sriracha.

RUINING PERFECTLY GOOD FRENCH FRIES THIS WAY, MA’AM?

But Go-Kart Girl is fun and flirty and having a good time, unlike all the other women who are moping their way through this date, looking miserable because Joey is paying attention to the other women.

I’M LOOKING AT YOU, VOODOO DOLL, WHO JUST HAD A ONE-ON-ONE LAST WEEK. BUCK UP, LADY.

After the group allegedly eats some poutine, they find Jesse Palmer’s favorite accordion player where Joey dances with Go-Kart Girl and Christmas Tree while Starla passively watches on, filled with indignation and jealousy.

Annnnd I think I finally get what Starla’s problem is: like any “properly raised” Southern girl (read: conservative family, likely Baptist), she doesn’t feel comfortable taking the lead in the relationship. She expects to be pursued, not to be the pursuer. But in a situation like this, one can not sit around waiting for the Bachelor to notice you — you have to make your own luck, which means interrupting conversations and cutting in when he’s dancing with someone else. She wants Joey to seek her out, but that ain’t gonna happen when the Christmas Trees, Go-Kart Girls, and Margaret McPoyles out there are more than happy to demand his attention.

Similarly, Voodoo Doll is brought to tears watching Joey kiss Lei Me while playing Jesse Palmer’s favorite game, street hockey. Having just been on a one-on-one date with him, she is finding it incredibly difficult to watch him be close to other women, which is perfectly understandable. But I will point out that Lei Me also recently had a one-on-one date with him and she’s back in there, putting her face in front of his, instead of sitting on the sidelines feeling sorry for herself.

Oh well, so sad.

That night at the cocktail party, everyone is super bummed, including Joey who still hasn’t shaken himself out of his deep existential dread.

He takes Ms. Science aside for a conversation first, and she becomes emotional telling him how difficult it was to see how much of a connection he’s made with some of the women, especially for those, like herself, who have not had a one-on-one date yet. Joey appreciates her candor and assures her that he wants the opportunity to learn more about her (spoiler alert: he doesn’t, actually).

Joey talks to Voodoo Doll who also expresses how the group date made her feel insecure and like she was fading into the background. Joey insists that she could never disappear: she’s too bright and warm. Voodoo Doll tells him that she’s falling for him, and he encourages her to say it again. Voodoo Doll, who earlier said she had been spiraling, says she now feels released from the spiral, and is back in the clouds.

As for Sporty Spice, she’s been doing a lot of thinking since their one-on-one and she has a very specific question for Joey: what does his timing for marriage and children look like? Which is a good question! Why isn’t everyone asking him this question?

Joey appreciates the conversation and tells her that he sees a two- to three-year engagement, and then at least a couple years of being married before embarking on kids. And you know what? That is not unreasonable. This is not Love is Blind, and they are not in their 70s. There’s no reason why these kids need to get married in four weeks; they can stretch it out and enjoy the timeline of a normal relationship like reasonable people.

However, Sporty Spice, she’s the exception to this with her medical condition: she does need to get married and start the process of trying to have children right away because time is not on her side. I would encourage her to try her luck on Love is Blind where they meet and are married within a month, but I would hate for her to end up with some cheater who looks like a thumb, so … no.

The bottom line is that though this is not what Sporty Spice wanted or needed to hear, she is also not surprised and she contemplates her next move.

And then there is Starla. She begins by saying that she doesn’t want to sound like a broken record, but that group dates are hard, what with seeing the connection that he’s making with the other women. It’s scary, she explains, “because I am falling for you.”

Joey:

While Starla continues spinning, insisting that though she hasn’t had a one-on-one with him and despite the fact that she has said all of 15 words to him, she is “scary confident” in him and hopes that he feels the same.

“In fact,” Joey replies, “I don’t, and I’m not going to get there, and that’s why I’m taking you downstairs and putting you in the rentre chez toi maintenant van.”

In the rentre chez toi maintenant van, Starla sobs that this was the last thing that she expected and that she feels stupid.

Welp, you said it, I didn’t.

Joey returns to the other women and informs them that he sent Starla’s needy ass home before giving the date rose to Go-Kart Girl for being the least pathetic and whiny over the course of the day.

The first one-on-one is with Miss Universe Jamaica Barbie, who, adorably, calls him “Jojo.” They meet in town, where Jojo says that he has a surprise for her, before leading her to some sort of warehouse situation. Inside is a woman doing some insane aerialist performance, hanging thirty feet in the air from a hoop by only the back of her head, as Jojo explains that they will be training with Cirque de Soleil.

ABC lawyers:

Miss Universe Jamaica Barbie and Jojo put on some exercise clothes and then are put through a series of dizzying exercises and stress positions involving harnesses, hoops, and sashes. Jojo, who has the inner ear of a delicate Victorian child, suffers from the vapors, and has to go lie down for a while. (I jest: I would have been a vomitous mess had I been spun around that many times, and I respect his fortitude.)

That evening, they have dinner at a former church which IS A CHOICE considering Miss Universe Jamaica Barbie’s sob story is that she went no contact with her father after he essentially disowned her for leaving his church and for the sin of going to college.

Though she and her father are taking small steps towards reconciling, she understandably still has a lot of trust issues in her relationships with men as a result.

Jojo is impressed with her strength and independence and that she didn’t laugh at him for wanting to puke on the gym floor, and he offers her the date rose.

The next day, Margaret McPoyle and the other women are waiting for the start of her date when a gentleman comes into the room, and asks for Margaret McPoyle in French, explaining that Joey is waiting for her downstairs. So obviously this is the so-called “Pretty Woman” date … which, SUCK IT, BULLIES, it’s a damn shame Toddlers and Tiaras and Starla aren’t here to watch it happen. And yet, no one seems to acknowledge that this is what is happening, and spoiler alert, is it not brought back up again (at least not in this edit) to rub it in everyone’s faces, which is what this date is designed for. The woman is supposed to go on the first half of the date, have the show buy her a bunch of clothes and shoes and jewelry, she’s supposed to return to the hotel suite overloaded with shopping bags, and the rest of the women are supposed to seethe with jealousy while she heads out to dinner in a new gown. That’s how this date works!

But instead, Joey and Margaret McPoyle get into a limo where they flirt and joke about jumping out of a plane …

… before arriving at a boutique, where Margaret McPoyle tries on a bunch of dresses. Joey helps her pick out an admittedly lovely gown, and the two return to the limo where they have the whole “je t’amie” conversation from above. They arrive at a helicopter where they fly around Montreal. It’s a very nice date and I am both happy and relieved that the producers didn’t find a way to involve a concrete truck in it.

That night at dinner, Margaret McPoyle talks about a past relationship and how an engagement was “dangled” in front of her, but it never happened, and that she wants someone who means what he says. In return, Joey admits that he has been having a hard time this week, fearing that this whole experiment isn’t going to work out. But in terms of meaning what he says, he wants to make her feel special.

The two of them then go to a theater where a country band I’ve never heard of FEIST! — Hey! I know who Feist is! Michael Bolton and now Feist?! It’s like they have a real budget this season! — is playing for them. They dance, he offers the rose, she accepts, and that’s how the date ends, without Margaret McPoyle once making Frodo eat it.

 

 

But Joey’s night isn’t over. Sporty Spice swings by his hotel room for a conversation where she explains that his timetable for marriage and kids simply does not align with her own, and that she’s going to go ahead and go home now instead of dragging this out and complicating things. Joey is clearly stunned but doesn’t ask her to stay, either. He assures her that she will make an amazing mother one day and adds that he feels crushed that someone so special is leaving.

As Sporty Spice makes her way out and says her goodbyes to friends Margaret McPoyle and Christmas Tree, Joey narrates that he’s scared that someone he sees his life with is going to walk out on him, and all those anxieties flare up again.

Goodbye, Sporty Spice. You are a lovely woman who is much too mature for this process and I hope you find the right man. Genuinely.

Oh, and no matter what they offer you, STAY AWAY FROM PARADISE. PLEASE. YOU’RE TOO GOOD FOR PARADISE.

As for the Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party, Joey brings that hangdog energy with him and he tells the women that his biggest fear is choosing someone who does not reciprocate his feelings.

Ms. Science spends her time with Joey telling him that she admires his compassion and emotional intelligence; Christmas Tree teases him into giving her a foot massage; Go-Kart Girl gives him a piano lesson in front of the other women; and Lei Me tells him that his toast left her “shook” and assures him that he’s a kind and good human being.

And with that, it’s rose time:

Rose #1: Christmas Tree
Rose #2: Voodoo Doll
Rose #3: Lei Me

Which means the women who must go away now are Ms. Science and Frodo.

Ms. Science laments that she didn’t go deeper and show more of herself to Joey. But Frodo, this delusional asshole, she cries in the limo that she just hopes he doesn’t have any regrets. The producers, being fully petty, ask her if she has any regrets.

Ms. Science, please go find yourself some nice nerd who will treat you right and understand what you’re talking about: trust me, he’s out there somewhere. Frodo, we’ll see you in Mexico.

Here are the ladies who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Joey:

The Bachelor airs on ABC on Mondays at 7/8 p.m. and streams on Hulu.

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