‘The Bachelor’: It’s in Joey’s court now

by Therese Odell, posted in the bachelor: season 28

The Bachelor
January 22, 2024

THERE IS NO TIME FOR A BUNCH OF YADDA YADDA: THE PRODUCERS CHOSE THE GUY THE FANS WANTED FOR A REFRESHING CHANGE; JOEY SEEMS NICE; THEY ARE DUMPING 32 WOMEN ON HIM ON THE FIRST NIGHT.

YOU’RE ALL CAUGHT UP, LET’S GO.

For one small moment, this new season channels its inner Golden Bachelor by beginning with a vulnerable moment: Joey being emotional on the beach, having just been dumped by Charity. We relive the moment when Charity broke the news it wasn’t going to be him, and we watch Joey leave the beach, sand in his shoes for a whole lot of nothing.

But don’t get your hopes up that the Producers have learned a few lessons from the success of The Golden Bachelor, and this season is going to be more sincere, and less back-stabby than previous seasons of The Bachelor. No no no, my friends. If anything, this season The Producers are doubling down on the drama with stupid little stunts and adding more women than ever, just to ensure they’ll have their choice of unhinged narcissists to churn the shit for weeks to come.

After we recover from the memory of Joey being dumped in favor of Dotun the Tall, we learn that he has returned home to Philadelphia from Hawaii for some incomprehensible reason; he assures us that he believes in The Bachelor’s very stupid process; and his sisters cringe at the idea of him making out with multiple women. WELL GET USED TO IT, LADIES, BECAUSE THAT IS DEFINITELY THE THEME OF THE EVENING.

Before you know it, Joey is at the McMansion with Jesse Palmer, because we don’t have time to waste: there are more women than ever this season, 32, which, by any objective standard, is too many women.

And the limos start coming:

Lexi (Atlanta, Georgia, Digital Strategist, 31): Lexi tells Joey that the only reason she’s there is because he’s The Bachelor. She also explains that she’s from Atlanta via Canada, and encourages Joey to shake off any nerves. They flop around together for a minute.

In a video package, we learn that Lexi has a medical condition that could preclude her from becoming a mother. This left her self-conscious about dating, but she’s ready to get back out there. And what better way to start than on a broadcast reality dating show where after exposing this very personal information, she could be humiliated in front of the entire country?

Rachel (Honolulu, Hawaii, ICU Nurse, 26): Rachel brings Joey a lei from Honolulu, a little taste of the place he left behind.

Maria (Kleinburg, Ontario, Executive Assistant, 29): This one comes out of the limo with a blurred Canadian flag, and with a giant flower behind her left ear to signify that she is available to date, per Hawaiian tradition.

She’s from Canada.

In a video package, this woman flounces around in various Instagram poses …

… while talking about how she’s been single for five years now, and how she pushes people away. Her father, who looks like an aging guitarist in some band your dad liked in 1982, gives her some original advice: “Follow your heart, I guess.” 

For some reason, this happens:

She’s a lot. Way too much, in fact.

Erika (North Bergen, New Jersey, Leasing Agent, 25): Erika leaves the limo with a boombox (is that what the kids are calling them these days?) and, blasting Latin music, dances her way to Joey. She promises to teach him how to dance if he teaches her to play tennis.

In her video package, she explains dancing is a large part of her family’s life, as her mother is from the Dominican Republic and her father is Cuban. That’s it. Not sure it’s worth a whole video, but that’s what we’ve got.

Autumn (St. Louis, Missouri, Account Executive, 26): Autumn comes out of the limo, throwing leaves into the air. When she finally reaches Joey, she asks him what his favorite season is, and, Joey, this sweet dummy is like, “Uh … summer or spring?”

Kelsey A. (New Orleans, Louisiana, Junior Project Manager, 25): Kelsey brings Joey a voodoo doll which feels like a threat?

In the video package, Kelsey A. explains that she loves New Orleans, but she doesn’t like the boys who live there. And I get it: she’s a basic girl who is looking for a basic boy in a sea of musicians and artists and cooks and other ne’er-do-wells, and maybe it’s not really her kind of town. Also, her mom died a couple of years ago.

Chrissa (Abbotsford, British Columbia, Marketing Director, 26): Chrissa tells Joey that this is her “Year of Yes,” and that if he were to ask her a particular question down the line, her answer would be “HELL, YES!”

OK, but real question: why all the Canadians?

Chandler (New York, New York, Graphic Designer, 24): Chandler explains that as her Chandler to his Joey, she’ll be there for him.

An obvious line well played.

Marlena (West Palm Beach, Florida, Finance Writer, 26): Marlena also tells Joey that if it were anyone else as The Bachelor, she wouldn’t be there.

Starr (Delray Beach, Florida, Mental Health Counselor, 25): Starr arrives with a box full of paper butterflies? I don’t know. This is the part of the Limo Arrivals where The Bachelor babbles about how amazing all these women are and how excited he is to be going on this journey and blah blah blah, the point is, don’t worry too much about these particular women, you won’t need to remember their names in two weeks.

Talyah (Huntington Beach, California, Esthetician, 23): Talyah gives Joey their future Save the Date card for their wedding.

Nat (Sudbury, Canada, Registered Nurse/Professor, 26): Nat leads with, “I’M A PROFESSOR AND A NURSE!”

Also:

Sandra (Cybersecurity Consultant, Nashville, Tennessee, 26): Sandra is looking for a relationship that is built on trust. Good for you for establishing boundaries early, Sandra.

Sam (Nashville, Tennessee, CPA, 31): Sam informs him that she “saw how excited” he got at the Fantasy Suites on Charity’s season, and so she knows he has the “whole package.” MA’AM. First of all: Tacky. But second of all, that innuendo doesn’t even make any sense?

Allison (Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Realtor/Lauren’s Sister, 26): OH BOY, HERE WE GO. Allison tells Joey that as someone from a big family, she understands the value of making the most of time together.

In a video package, Allison reveals that she is on this season with her older sister Lauren. They plan on keeping this a secret from the other women and Joey, at least in the beginning, so that people get to know them as individuals.

Lauren (Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Registered Nurse/Allison’s Sister, 28): Lauren challenges Joey to a shotgunning contest, which she wins. She smirks that she knew she was going to win.

In the video, Lauren reveals that the shotgunning competition wasn’t a one-off thing, and that she’s pathologically competitive: IF ALLISON KISSES JOEY FIRST, SHE BETTER TELL LAUREN BECAUSE AS THE OLDER SISTER SHE SHOULD BE THE FIRST TO KISS JOEY.

Jesse Palmer checks in, revealing that we are only halfway through the women.

Katelyn (Santa Fe, New Mexico, Radiochemist, 25): Our resident only scientist arrives wearing a gorgeous ao dài pantsuit inspired by her Vietnamese heritage and carrying a tray with scientific equipment on it. She instructs Joey to put on some safety goggles and asks him to help her put hers on, before having him pour what is clearly baking soda into a beaker of vinegar. It foams. She cites this as the two of them “having chemistry” and adds that the experiment was “explosive.”

I hate to argue with my little nerdy friend, but … was it?

Regardless, I love her. Just look at this Ren Faire cosplaying queen:

ADORABLE. YOU’RE NOT GOING TO WIN THIS THING, MY NERD QUEEN, BUT NEVER STOP BEING YOU.

Kelsey T. (Los Angeles, California, Actor, 31): Hey! She’s happy he’s The Bachelor, too! What are the odds??

Jenn (Miami, Florida, Physician Assistant Student, 25): Jenn drives up in a go-cart because … well, she doesn’t have a reason that makes any real sense. As soon as she heard he was The Bachelor, she “raced over here” from Miami? I don’t know, it’s dumb.

Jess (San Diego, California, Executive Assistant, 24): Even dumber, Jess arrives wearing a captain’s hat in the back of a boat being towed by a giant pickup truck because she heard he was “looking for a new relationSHIP.”

It’s giving Starla from Arrested Development.

Lanie (Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Realtor, 27): Lanie here, as a good Philadelphian, arrives with a can of Cheez Whiz, and invites him to go on a “journey whiz” her.

(For those of you who don’t know, many Philadelphians enjoy Cheez Whiz on their cheesesteaks.)

(But also, not to be a nitpicker, I don’t think that’s actually Cheez Whiz, but rather some sort of Easy Cheese doppelganger.)

Not Whiz.

Edwina (Entrepreneur, Atlanta, Georgia, 25): Edwina force feeds Joey something.

Samantha (Miami, Florida, Pro Football Cheerleader, 25): Samantha hurls a lump of dough at Joey’s head.

Taylor (Chicago, Illinois, Recruiter, 23): Taylor hurls a GIANT bra at his head.

Kyra (Miami, Florida, Paralegal, 26): Kyra asks Joey if he wants to hear something “crazy” and then just full-out screams in his face.

Zoe (Atlanta, Georgia, Artist, 24): Zoe arrives with a platter with a selection of bananas, and invites Joey to pick the one he most resonates with.

And then there are the tennis puns:

Kayla (Hamilton, Ohio, Guidance Counselor, 27): Kayle doesn’t emerge from the limo right away, instead remaining inside making suggestive grunting noises. Eventually, she comes out and explains that she was practicing her tennis grunts.

Evalin (San Antonio, Texas, Nanny, 29): Evalin is pushed onto the Driveway of Tears in an umpire’s chair.

Sydney (Newport, Rhode Island, Vintage Store Owner, 28): Sydney informs Joey that she lives in Rhode Island, home of the Tennis Hall of Fame.

Madina (Charlotte, North Carolina, Mental Health Therapist, 31): When Madina opens the limo door, a ton of tennis balls come pouring out. She explains that it “took a lot of balls” for her to do this.

Daisy (Account Executive, Becker, Minnesota, 25): Daisy arrives in a little red pickup truck haulin’ a Christmas tree.

This guy knows what’s up:

@mello_yoshi

Believe it or not theres more #goviral #foryou #trending #foryoupage #merrychristmas #treefarm #littleredtrucks #littleredtruck

♬ original sound – MeLLo_YoShi

In her video, Daisy reveals that she lost her hearing over the past few years, and recently had a cochlear implant put in. It has changed her life.

FINALLY:

Lea (Waipahu, Hawaii, Account Manager, 23): Lea met Joey on Charity’s “After the Final Rose” episode when Joey was announced as The Bachelor. At that time, Lea was given a card — which we are told was not a date card — with instructions to not open it until she arrived at the McMansion, and I guess we’re all supposed to believe she was allowed to take home and hang onto this entire time.

Upon seeing Joey again, she shows him the card and notes that while she’s nervous to open it, she hopes it’s something that grows their story together.

And that’s it, that’s all 32 women, and we only have another hour or so to get through.

Joey comes in, greets the women, and offers the official toast, noting that his grandparents are his inspiration for a healthy relationship.

The first woman he speaks with is Fall who tells him that her grandparents are her inspiration, too! In fact, they got engaged after only knowing each other for two weeks, and they’ve been married now for 67 years. And that’s very sweet! But also … gender dynamics have changed a lot in the past 67 years, so I’m not sure that this is a model that is necessarily healthy to follow? YES! IT’S SWEET! I AGREE! I JUST DON’T KNOW THAT 1956 VALUES APPLY TO 2024 RELATIONSHIPS, THAT’S ALL.

Our Dancing Queen explains to Joey that though she lives in Jersey now, she could see herself living in a more peaceful environment less tied to the City. (Has anyone told her and the rest of the ladies that he doesn’t live in Hawaii anymore? I feel like this is relevant to everyone’s interests.)

Starla and Joey have a conversation on the boat she rowed in on, where she calls him a “walking green flag.” She also tells him that while she lives in San Diego now, she’s from Tennessee and lived in Colorado where she snowboarded and hiked for a few years. Starla becomes the 831st woman to tell Joey that she’s so happy he was chosen to be The Bachelor, and apparently not yet grown tired of this fucking cliché, Starla becomes the first woman Joey kisses.

And Starla makes sure the rest of the women know it: she marches inside and announces that she received, and I quote, a “smoochie-poo.”

The other women, understandably, are not amused, and in fact, many look nauseous. “Is he sober?” queries one woman, a.k.a. My New Favorite.

Outside, Joey is driving go-carts with Go-Cart girl. He notes that she’s a “good time” before kissing her, too.

He teaches one woman how to play tennis with a comically large tennis racket; learns that another holds the record of “Most Free Throw Shots at a Florida Bar” (which I can only assume is a particular Florida bar and not just all Florida bars in general); reveals that he does not have a dog; and is told that his eyes are pretty.

Inside, Joey visits with Christmas Tree who presents him … a decorated Christmas tree, because she’s really leaning into this whole thing. She goes out of her way to tell him that she’s just happy to meet him, and to remind him to be kind to himself, especially if he’s feeling overwhelmed. She assures him that she is excited for him and that no matter what, she’ll be cheering him on. She declines to tell him about her cochlear implant, presumably saving that tidbit for their first one-on-one date … because this girl is definitely getting a one-on-one date. They also kiss, further diminishing Starla’s specialness.

Not that Starla has noticed — as Jesse Palmer comes in with the First Impression Rose, she convinces herself that it has her name on it. And to make sure that First Impression Rose has her name on it, she interrupts Joey’s conversation with Giant Bra to have a second go at him. Giant Bra is NOT AMUSED and tells her to buzz off, but Starla is not deterred, and just lurks three feet away until Joey is free again.

As Starla takes her second turn, she is shocked when Giant Bra gives her the cold shoulder. Starla insists to Joey that she is “so not trying to be ‘that girl.'”

Once she has Joey to herself, Starla doesn’t actually have much to say to him, other than that there are a lot of women who want to talk to him; but she wants to talk to him more.

Clearly.

When she is done, Giant Bra confronts her about eavesdropping on her conversation with Joey and being generally disrespectful, especially towards all the women who hadn’t had a first conversation with Joey, but Starla is like, “OH WELL,” before pulling out the oldest cliche in the reality TV book:

As for those lunatic sisters, they’ve had enough pinot grigio to decide that maybe they don’t want to keep this whole “sister” thing secret anymore, and they announce it to the other women. The collective response: “That’s weird.”

And it is! It is weird! They’re weird! He should eliminate them both!

Instead, they take their turns with Joey; Older Sister going first. She tells him that she lives in Center City, Philadelphia, and aggressively demands to know why he left Philly himself. She then tells him that she is very close to her siblings: two brothers and a sister. Then, in her quest to kiss Joey before Younger Sister, Older Sister pointedly notes that she saw the Tiktok of him breaking the longest kiss record, and adds that he looks like a great kisser.

Joey is not interested in demonstrating his skills to her.

Younger Sister then steals Joey from Older Sister to Older Sister’s great consternation. Younger Sister shares her background with Joey: she lives in Center City, Philadelphia, and Joey is like, “Well that’s funny, the woman who looks EXACTLY LIKE YOU is from Center City, Philly, too!” As it turns out, the big difference between the two is that Joey actually kisses Younger Sister. Older Sister watches, infuriated.

Older Sister finally joins Joey and Younger Sister where the siblings reveal their “big secret” and Joey is like, “Yeah, I figured it out on account of the fact that you live in the exact same place, have the exact same number of siblings, and also have the exact same face.”

Joey visits with Voodoo Doll who begins by talking about how much she loooooves New Orleans. The minute he asks her if she can see herself living someplace else one day, she’s like, “I already have my U-Haul packed; where are we going?”

As for the chick with the Mystery Card of Doom, she finally decides to not wait for Joey, and to just open it already. And what she finds is that like the One Ring to Rule Them All, it is both powerful and corrupting: the card grants her the power to steal a one-on-one date from anyone else before hometowns. Frodo is like “YAY? BUT O NO?”

Frodo finds Joey and shows him the contents of Mystery Card. When he asks her for her thoughts, she tells him that while she sees the value in the card, she both wants to give him autonomy on his journey and to respect all the other women who have put their lives on hold to be here, before becoming emotional. Joey thanks Frodo and tells her that this reflects well on her character.

Frodo then rejoins the other women and makes the big reveal to them, before throwing the mystery card into the fire, destroying the evil, while the other women shriek, “MY PRECIOUS!!”

Outside, Joey is chatting with Lexi, the first woman out of the limo, who tells him that she’s super into sports. Sporty Spice here gives him a golf ball marker because she golfs with her dad and brother, or something. There is kissing.

Inside, Maria — who looks like someone, and it is driving me crazy.

Is it Camila Cabello?

Is it Catherine Reitman?

Is it Billie Eilish?

Is it Brittany Mahomes?

Or … and I recognize that this is a dark thought and I hope you can forgive me … is it Margaret McPoyle from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia?

(Does it make me less of a bad person if I point out that the actress who plays Margaret is very hot in real life?)

So, as I was saying, Margaret McPoyle is inside growing more and more irritated that Joey is out here making out with all of the women and declares that SHE WILL NOT KISS HIM TONIGHT.

Margaret McPoyle obviously immediately kisses him the first opportunity she gets.

Before that, she asks Joey about his favorite movies, and when he names, “Remember the Titans” she’s like “Remember the What Now?”

ABC remembers:

And then, as I noted earlier, they kiss, despite her very strong commitment to not doing so.

Finally, it’s time for Joey to give the First Impression Rose, which he gives to Frodo for destroying the One Card to Rule Them All in the fires of Mount Doom.

Meanwhile, it is also approximately 11:30 in the morning, and the women are tired and drunk and emotional and some of them, like Umpire’s Chair, are already sobbing that they are not going to receive a rose from this man to whom she has not spoken three words.

BUT TOO BAD, LADIES, THE FIRST GROUP DATE IS SET TO LEAVE THE MCMANSION IN ABOUT 90 MINUTES, SO IT’S TIME TO THIN THIS HERD A BIT.

Ahead of the first rose being handed out, Older Sister says, and I quote, “If Younger Sister gets a rose before me, I’m going to be pissed.”

Cue:

Rose #1: Younger Sister

As Younger Sister returns to the lineup, her loving Older Sister whispers at her, “Go fuck yourself.” So this little experiment is going EXACTLY how everyone predicted. Very healthy. Good vibes.

Rose #2: Chritsmas Tree
Rose #3: Lizard Hands
Rose #4: Sporty Spice
Rose #5: Starla
Rose #6: Go-Kart Girl
Rose #7: Fall
Rose #8: Year of Yes
Rose #9: Force Feeding
Rose #10: Voodoo Doll
Rose #11: Ms. Science
Rose #12: Lei Me
Rose #13: Dancing Queen
Rose #14: Lots of Balls
Rose #15: Someone Named Sydney
Rose #16: Butterflies
Rose #17: Someone Named Marlena
Rose #18: Margaret McPoyle
Rose #19: Giant Bra
Rose #20: Umpire’s Chair


Rose #21: Older Sister

And as she accepts her rose, Older Sister bitches at Joey for giving Younger Sister the first rose, and her the last. MA’AM BE GRATEFUL YOU’RE NOT BEING SENT HOME.

Because there are a LOT of women who are going home: Matthew Perry; Grunter; The Scream; Cheez Whiz; Professor Nurse; Excitement; Wad of Dough; Someone Named Sandra; Save the Date; and B-A-N-A-N-A-S. 

Goodbye, ladies. I’m sure we’ll see at least one of you in the back half of Bachelor in Paradise.

Here are the ladies who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Joey:

The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m. and streams on Hulu and gives me heartburn.

3 thoughts on “‘The Bachelor’: It’s in Joey’s court now”

  2. I’m behind in my episodes so I only just watched and read your amazing recap. I apologize if you’ve already mentioned it before, but the beginning of the episode looked like the producers were giving us a sneak peek to the end of the current (Joey’s) season, and not Charity’s. Though they included that bit as well.

    Reply

    1. Hey Hallee!
      Thanks for the comment. And yeah, I came to realize that the opening of the first episode is a flash forward to the final episode — but only a couple of episodes in. I just didn’t have any context for it until I realized the pattern they were developing.
      Again, thanks for reading!
      –T

      Reply

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