‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Cake by the ocean

by Therese Odell, posted in bachelor in paradise: season 9

Bachelor in Paradise
October 26, 2023

We ended the previous episode with the men of Paradise — specifically, Big Check — praying to the Bachelor gods to send down more women ahead of the Rose Ceremony to improve their chances of receiving a coveted rose and remaining in Paradise a bit longer. What the residents of Paradise don’t appreciate is that while there are Bachelor gods, they are not benevolent gods of the New Testament, nor are they wrathful gods of the Old Testament. They are the bored, petty gods of Olympus who think nothing is more entertaining than making mortals’ lives miserable by creating strife, misunderstandings, and heartbreak.

To that end, the Bachelor gods answered Big Check’s prayers by sending in this agent of chaos: Sam from Canadian Bachelor in Paradise, or Canada Sam, as we shall now call her.

“Canada Sam” = Sam (Canadian Bachelor in Paradise)

(Confusingly, Canada Sam appears to have been on Canada’s Bachelor in Paradise without ever having been on Canada’s version of The Bachelor. Instead, she originally was on Canada’s Big Brother before making her way over to Bachelor Nation. So for those of you who think there’s no real difference between Canada and the U.S., THINK AGAIN.)

As much as Canada Sam is an unknown quantity to your trusty blogger who has been following this show since it began (with one season’s exception), she’s even more baffling to our Paradise residents who in preparation for being on this show have clearly been familiarizing themselves with every contestant from The Bachelor and The Bachelorette for at least three seasons back.

WHO?
WHO?

Big Check doesn’t care who she is, though, and immediately sees her as his best (only) opportunity for a rose and pulls her aside to chat first. He doesn’t keep her to himself long, though, because there are four other men in danger that night. Soon Canada Sam is being passed from inane conversation to inane conversation, including with Pilot Peter, Jr. who leads with the fact that he’s 33 for some reason. When she informs him that she’s 34, he tells her that she “looks great.”

But Big Check hasn’t given up, explaining in an interview that the Bachelor gods have given his 26-year-old self a chance with this “36-year-old fireball.”

The Bachelor gods:

But the age thing, it is important, even if Big Check is getting it wrong, and she gently tells him that he’s a baby, before less gently adding that she’s concerned his frontal cortex hasn’t fused together yet.

When Big Check tries to argue that people tell him he’s more mature than most people his age, she replies, and I quote, “Who told you that, your mom?”

THE GASP I GAPSETH.

I love her so much, you guys. TOO MUCH. I LOVE HER TOO MUCH.

And then it’s Rose Ceremony time. Line up, you sweaty dummies.

Bullhorn: Junior
Bachelorette Rachel: Dangly Earrings
German Sausage: A-A-RON
Julia Roberts: Towelie
Glitter Bomb: Grizzly Adams
Big Toe: Deep Dive
Henry the Pig’s Mom: Boardwalk Carny
Canada Sam: Pilot Peter, Jr.

Wait … Pilot Peter, Jr.?

Which means we must say goodbye to:

Swaggy, Firebug, Sad Pop Song, and yes, our broken-brained baby, Big Check:

“Swaggy” = Will (Michelle’s season)

 

“Firebug” = Aaron S. (Charity’s season)

“Sad Pop Song” = John B. (Charity’s season)

 

“Big Check” = Sean (Charity’s season)

BUT HERE’S A MILLION-DOLLAR IDEA FOR YOU, BACHELOR IN PARADISE, FREE OF CHARGE. HEAR ME OUT: A SEASON WITH THESE THREE:

“Big Check” = Sean
“Zoolander” = Jordan
“John Paul Jones” = John Paul Jones

BEST. SEASON. EVER.

GUARANTEED.

The next morning, we learn, and will not stop hearing about for the next hour and a half, that it is Julia Roberts’ 27th birthday, and she has plans: day drinking, games in the pool, shoving her tongue down Towelie’s throat.

And that’s when the Bachelor gods from high atop Mount Douchebag send Julia Roberts a little dash of hope — a date card arrives in Paradise! and it’s her birthday! so obviously one plus birthday equals …!  — only to dash it on the Mexican sea rocks below: the date is for Bachelorette Rachel.

Julia Roberts disguises her disappointment well.

Oh, honey, buck up. Because I’m afraid this is the least shitty thing that is going to happen to you today.

Bachelorette Rachel invites Dangly Earrings to join her, and soon they are being released from the purgatory that is Paradise and taken to a resort for their date.

There, they meet an artist who explains that they are going to “become piñatas.” To that end, they strip down to some nude bathing suits, smear paint and glitter all over one another, slap on some streamers and cardboard hats and call themselves piñatas. I’m going to ignore the part where Dangly Earrings starts doing a Borat impression for no good Goddamned reason, and just point out that these two are genuinely having a good time and seem to really enjoy each other.

Back at Paradise, Julia Roberts has recovered from her initial disappointment over not receiving the date card, and is beginning to enjoy her birthday when the Bachelor gods decide to fuck around a little more.

Enter: Davia, or as I called her during Zach’s season, “Belchmeister” because she bragged in her bio that she can “out-burp anyone.”

“Belchmeister” = Davia (Zach’s season)

And Belchmeister, she has her eye squarely set on Towelie; so much so that when she comes down to Paradise, he’s the only person she asks to chat with before inviting him on the date. Towelie immediately accepts, as he’s completely captivated by the fact that she has one blue eye, and one green eye. He will mention this fact approximately 57 more times in this episode.

Meanwhile, when Towelie accepts the date, Julia Roberts dramatically whispers to herself, “Happy birthday.”

Towelie does go out of his way to ask to speak to Julia Roberts before leaving on the date. There he tells her he thinks going on this date will give him “clarity.” But Julia Roberts is NOT HAVING IT. First of all, he said yes to the date ON HER BIRTHDAY without CONSULTING HER. Second of all, WHAT CLARITY DOES HE NEED? She doesn’t need to explore any other relationships, WHY DOES HE?

Towelie is saved by Belchmeister who collects him for their date, while Julia Roberts assures us that SHE IS A STRONG, CONFIDENT, BEAUTIFUL WOMAN WHO HE JUST WALKED OUT ON ON HER BIRTHDAY.

Bachelor gods:

As Towelie and Belchmeister leave for their date, Julia Roberts just keeps spinning: HE SAID YES TO THE DATE WITHOUT EVEN CONSULTING WITH HER. (Which, of course, is exactly what she did to Dangly Earrings when Towelie asked her on a date — and she didn’t even have the grace to take him aside for a conversation before leaving with Towelie.)

SHE WANTS SOMEONE WHO WILL CHOOSE HER OVER ALL ELSE. HE CAN’T EXPRESS HIS FEELINGS. HE’S NOT A MAN WHO KNOWS WHAT HE WANTS. HE’S A FUCKING CHILD.

~SOBBING~

As she sobs to Bullhorn about all of this, the cast and kitchen staff come down with a cake and proceed to sing “Happy Birthday” to her. Instead of thanking everyone, Julia Roberts takes the cake and marches down the beach with it. When we return from the commercial break, the cake appears to have been tossed into the ocean:

However … Julia Roberts claims she didn’t waste a perfectly good cake:

And in her defense, we never see her throw it into the water. But the Bachelor gods won’t let that stop them from making her look like an asshole.

Well, more of an asshole.

Later that evening, while Towelie and Belchmeister are on their date, and Towelie is marveling at her different colored eyes … again …

… Back in Paradise, Julia Roberts is still ABSOLUTELY FURIOUS. This is when Dangly Earrings and Bachelorette Rachel — still “dressed” as “piñatas” return from their date to find that karma has arrived in Paradise in their absence.

Maybe it’s their piñata costumes, maybe it’s the uncontrolled rage, but Julia Roberts decides that the only thing that can save her birthday is to beat a piñata to death. Fortunately for Julia Roberts, they happen to be in Mexico. And thus begins a lesson on editing, in which Julia Roberts destroys a piñata while the poor kitchen staff look on in horror, intercut with scenes from Towelie and Belchmeister’s date.

Elsewhere, Canda Sam is looking to stir up some shit, and after asking All-4-Wells about the “Truth Box,” she proposes a game of Truth or Dare with the other residents of Paradise.

She begins the game by daring A-A-RON to eat a hot pepper. He accepts and very nearly dies.

From there:

  • Dangly Earrings is dared to give the “most exciting person there” a lap dance, and he chooses Glitter Bomb (???)
  • Pilot Peter, Jr. is dared to kiss the girl he finds most attractive, and he kisses Bullhorn to her abject horror
  • Henry the Pig’s Mom is dared to make out with someone there on the daybed, and she chooses Deep Dive to Big Toe’s irritation
  • Juia Roberts is dared to take a body shot off of someone, and she chooses Deep Dive, making Big Toe homicidal
  • Big Toe is dared to suck someone’s finger, and she chooses Deep Dive who can’t bring himself to look at her while she does it because MY GOD
  • Glitter Bomb takes a truth, and has to answer whether or not Grizzly Adams is her “number one.” She hesitates … before saying yes, but everyone notices the hesitation, including Grizzly Adams.

After the Truth or Dare game, Big Toe takes Deep Dive to the hot tub to make out for a minute and to threaten his life if he ever kisses Henry the Pig’s Mom again.

I’m not exaggerating.

Meanwhile, Grizzly Adams feels like he needs to clear some things up with Glitter Bomb because he recognizes that she doesn’t seem to be all that into him. He gently confronts her, noting that he’s trying to be optimistic in them, but that he senses her uncertainty in their relationship, and he wonders if Towelie or Boardwalk Carny had shown interest in her, if she would still be hanging out with him.

Glitter Bomb becomes teary, and starts talking about how she’s done everything for her friends and for him, and nothing for herself. And that’s all Grizzly Adams needs to hear before telling her that he’s going to give her the space she needs to sort out her feelings. This causes Glitter Bomb to cry even harder, saying that she feels like a terrible person before sobbing off into the night, leaving Grizzly Adams very confused.

The next morning, (almost) everyone is down for breakfast waiting to hear how Towelie and Belchmeister’s date went the night before — most of all Julia Roberts who is LOSING. HER. MIND.

Meanwhile, Towelie:

Belchmeister asks to speak to Julia Roberts, where she tells her that her date with Towelie went really well, and that while she can’t speak for him, he did seem to want to get to know her better. Julia Roberts manages to keep her cool through this conversation and not murder Belchmeister, but she does begin ranting anew about Towelie LEAVING HER ON HER BIRTHDAY WITHOUT DISCUSSING IT WITH HER and NEEDING CLARITY EVEN THOUGH SHE DOESN’T NEED CLARITY and it is everything Dangly Earrings can do to not laugh directly in her face.

Oh, Towelie, baby, you’re better off just sleeping in until the next Rose Ceremony, friend. That would be safest for everyone.

Instead, Towelie finally emerges from the Mojo Dojo Casa House and we leave the episode with him asking to speak to Julia Roberts.

THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, BUDDY.

Bachelor in Paradise airs Thursdays on ABC at 8/9 p.m. and streams on Hulu.

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