My dogs are long overdue for their performance reviews.
Here’s A BUNCH OF TV News
The Golden Bachelor was a huge hit for ABC and Hulu. It was the highest rating debut on ABC for an unscripted series among adults 18-49 since 2022. Just imagine what the numbers for adults 50-79 looked like. It also was the highest-rated premiere of any Bachelor series on Hulu.
Paramount chopped up Mean Girls into TikTok-sized bites and posted it yesterday to celebrate October 3, which fun! EXCEPT, it’s also a clever way for them to collect advertising dollars off the clips without having to pay any residuals to the actors and writers. Totally not fetch.
Travis Kelce thinks the NFL is overdoing it with the whole Taylor Swift nonsense and the NFL is like, “Shut up and let us count our money.”
Meanwhile, Mr. Injured on the First Play Aaron Rodgers is out here attacking Kelce for being a spokesperson for the COVID vaccine. How about you stay quiet from the sidelines, champ.
Happy 20th year at Saturday Night Live, Kenan Thompson! True fact: Somewhere around 25% of Americans have never known Saturday Night Live without Kenan Thompson.
Here’s an article trying to convince you that the new CW series Sullivan’s Crossing is somehow different from Virgin River. OK. (Sullivan’s Crossing premieres tonight, btw.)
Also, Love is Blind‘s final episodes for season five will drop on Friday, but there’s a spoiler floating out there.
'I never thought leopards would eat MY face,' sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People's Faces Party.
— Adrian Bott (@Cavalorn) October 16, 2015
I don’t want to get too deep into the political weeds here, but basically what happened in the House yesterday was pretty hilarious. After weeks of dicking around and not passing a budget and with the threat of another government shutdown looming, on Friday, Kevin McCarthy worked with the Democrats and managed to pull a last-second temporary deal to keep the government open for 45 more days. Matt Gaetz, who has appointed himself the de facto leader of the ULTRA SUPER CRAZEE wing of the MAGAites, announced that he would punish Kevin McCarthy and the moderates (“moderates”) for having the audacity to not shove millions of federal employees, including border patrol and the military, off the payrolls by forcing a vote on whether or not to keep McCarthy as Speaker of the House. And it should be noted that he was able to force this vote thanks to concessions McCarthy made to Gaetz when he was elected as Speaker, back in January.
Now, there was a moment there when the Democrats were considering helping McCarthy stay Speaker because GOD ONLY KNOWS which crazy would replace him. (Seriously: some nutters are threatening to make Former President Indicted the Speaker.)
I don’t think any of us are close to prepared for just how stupid the next year will be https://t.co/8tBsO7Vinu
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) October 4, 2023
But Kevin McCarthy, this stupid little bitch, he went on the Sunday shows and blamed the DEMOCRATS for the near-government shutdown. At this, the House Democratic leader, Hakeem Jeffries, he put out the word that his party wasn’t going to be saving McCarthy’s ass, because fuck you, Kevin.
So, Matt Gaetz filed his motion yesterday to vacate the Speaker seat, and the vote was held, and whaddya know, but all the Democrats voted for it along with eight Republicans. Enough to remove Kevin McCarthy from the Speakership. And now — get this — the Republicans are SO MAD … at the Democrats for not voting to save a Republican Speaker of the House. LOLOLOLOLOLOL, OK.
republican 1: I’m going to take down the speaker!
speaker: no you’re not, bitch
republicans 2-8: yes we are
dems: do you want to talk about how we could save you
speaker: no you fucking commie slut idiot
*LATER THAT DAY*
conservatives: how dare the democrats do this
— Ben Dreyfuss (@bendreyfuss) October 3, 2023
It’s the Democrats fault that Republicans will be forced to nominate an insane person for Speaker and President now because the party is made up of toddlers who can’t be responsible for themselves. This is the stated position of the old-guard GOP tonight. Roll with that, I guess!
— Tim Miller (@Timodc) October 4, 2023
1. Does anyone believe for one minute that McCarthy would help elect a Dem speaker “for the institution”?
2. McCarthy’s hubris is a theme. He loudly stated he wouldn’t negotiate w/Dems, called virtually none, trashed those who helped w/CR, and then expected Dem votes for free? https://t.co/49V0pNTf3N
— Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (@AOC) October 4, 2023
No. This is precisely the reflexive centrist, both-sides-are-responsible take we have to reject
Trump-era GOP decline into nihilism & unseriousness is why this happened. This has been building for a decade. (Also McCarthy offered no concessions to the Ds to save his speakership) https://t.co/jttkqG17HJ
— Robert E Kelly (@Robert_E_Kelly) October 4, 2023
Republican: We are not fit for governing. We are a party much more made for being in the minority. We like to vote against things pic.twitter.com/Obf0qPEMqK
— Biden-Harris HQ (@BidenHQ) October 4, 2023
An oldie but a goodie and still true! https://t.co/n2MyH0Pg8n
— Chris Hayes (@chrislhayes) October 3, 2023
In fact, this morning I happened to catch Fox News whose chyron read: “8 Republicans Join Democrats to Remove McCarthy.” Except … that’s not really what happened? A more accurate chyron would have read: “Far Right Republicans Remove Republican Speaker.” But lol, that will never happen.
As for what happened next: Close McCarthy ally North Carolina Representative Patrick McHenry was named Speaker pro tempore of the House until a new Speaker can be elected, and he is SO MAD, Y’ALL.
I think he peed a little. https://t.co/0NbnlKDx79
— Michael McKean (@MJMcKean) October 4, 2023
This little bitch also kicked Nancy Pelosi out of one of her office spaces while she was out in California for Dianne Feinstein’s funeral. Which is just tacky.
NBC confirms: Nancy Pelosi was ordered to move out of her office in the Capitol by Patrick McHenry after he became acting speaker.
Pelosi's response: "This eviction is a sharp departure from tradition … Office space doesn't matter to me, but it seems to be important to them."
— Kyle Griffin (@kylegriffin1) October 4, 2023
Finally, the House went on recess (because of course they did) until next Tuesday, at which point the voting for a new Speaker will begin all over again. Good luck, suckers! Hope those leopards aren’t hungry!
I collapsed at home this am and my SON had to call 911 for help! You guys have no idea the amount of stress I’m dealing with
— Brandi Glanville (@BrandiGlanville) October 1, 2023
- iCarly has been canceled at Paramount+ after three seasons.
- Escaping Twin Flames, a documentary about the Twin Flames cult, has been ordered at Netflix. (But another Twin Flames documentary is set to premiere on Prime Video tomorrow, Desperately Seeking Soulmate: Escaping Twin Flames, if you just can’t wait.)
- Britain’s Human Zoos has been ordered at Channel 4.
Mark Your Calendars
- The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills returns on Bravo on October 25.
- The Buccaneers debuts on Apple TV+ on November 8.
- The Artful Dodger will premiere on Hulu on November 29.
- Wicked City will return on ALLBLK on October 19.
- The Devil on Trial premieres on Netflix on October 17.
- Twin Love premieres on Prime Video on November 17.
- LEGO Jurassic Park: The Unofficial Retelling will premiere on Peacock on October 10.
- Neon premieres on Netflix on October 19.
- ONEFOUR: Against All Odds will debut on Netflix on October 26.
- The Velveteen Rabbit will premiere on Apple TV+ on November 22.
- Criminal Record debuts on Apple TV+ on January 12.
- Expats premieres on Prime Video on January 26.
- Binged to Death premieres on MTV on October 17.
- Christmas at the Opry will air on ABC on December 7.
- The Elf on the Shelf: Sweet Showdown debuts on Food Network on November 19.
- The Drew Barrymore Show and The Kelly Clarkson Show return on October 16.
- The Tony Awards will air on CBS on June 16.
Quantum Leap: Ben finds himself in 1978 on a top-secret military flight transporting mysterious cargo. Season premiere. 7 p.m., NBC
Sullivan’s Crossing: A neurosurgeon returns to her childhood home in Nova Scotia after her life is turned upside down in Boston. 7 p.m., The CW
Magnum P.I.: Magnum and Higgins take on a dangerous client. Season premiere. 8 p.m., NBC
The Spencer Sisters: Lea Thompson stars as a mystery writer who begins investigating cases with her daughter who people mistake for her daughter. Series premiere. 8 p.m., The CW
Surrealestate: This fun little show was canceled a while back, only to rise from the dead for another chance. Nick Roman and his team investigate and fix haunted houses that could scare potential buyers away. Season premiere. 9 p.m., Syfy
Chucky: The very bad doll is back. Season premiere. 8 p.m., Syfy and USA
Haunted Mansion: This film based on the classic Disney ride was released in the theaters in July, which puzzled many — why release a fun horror movie in the middle of summer? Looks like we have our answer: so they can stream it in October. Premiere. Disney+
Beckham: This docuseries follows the meteoric rise of the very handsome footballer. Premiere. Netflix
Ghost Adventures: Devil’s Island: Zak and his dumb team investigate Angel Island in San Francisco Bay which they have renamed “Devil’s Island” here because they are very clever. 8 p.m., Discovery and Max
- Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Chelsea Handler, Carly Pearce
- Late Night with Seth Meyers: Nick Offerman, Siobhan Fallon Hogan, Jungle, Craig Reynolds
- The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: Anderson Cooper, Japanese Breakfast
- Jimmy Kimmel Live: Wanda Sykes, Cassidy Hutchinson, LANY
- Watch What Happens Live: Melissa Etheridge, Katie Couric
|Celebrity Wheel of Fortune
|The $100,000 Pyramid
|The Amazing Race
|The Spencer Sisters
|FOX||The Masked Singer