‘The Bachelorette’: Undercover Brother

The Bachelorette
June 26, 2023

Welcome to the 20th season of this nonsense called The Bachelorette, in which ABC forces a perfectly nice young lady to date a series of lesser men for two months until they narrow down her choices to two, one of whom she has to choose to pretend to marry one day. It’s dumb. It’s pointless. Sometimes it seems like an exercise in actively turning back the progress feminism has made over the past 60 years. But I’ve been writing about it for 10 years now, so you tell me who the real sucker is.

Anyway, our Bachelorette this season is Charity. She’s gorgeous, she’s smart, she’s sweet, and gentle, and she certainly could find love on her own without having to go through this bullshit.

But here we are.

Though Jesse Palmer promises us a “season like no other,” this season begins just like every other season of The Bachelorette has:

In her hometown, our Bachelorette, Charity, recalls the moment she learned that she has been chosen as the Bachelorette. So exciting! So surprising! Then, while meeting “random” fans on the street, we learn a little bit about her: she is 27, smart, a cheerleader, went to Auburn, has her masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, and has a loving supportive family who agrees to appear on camera to show their love. And support. She also talks about the Bachelor who dumped her which, really, when you think about it, isn’t all that sad because that’s what allowed her to become the Bachelorette. All’s well that end’s on camera!

Our Bachelorette then travels to the magical Other World where her “journey” will begin: California. There, while marveling at the Airbnb they’ve put her up in, and while walking alone on the beach, occasionally spinning around for no good reason, our Bachelorette talks about how “open” she is to finding love, while also admitting to being nervous and anxious, but finally concluding that it will be worth it in the end.

And because this is the 20th season of The Bachelorette, Charity is sent video messages from former Bachelorettes wishing her well on her journey, and offering advice, including:

JoJo Fletcher

Kaitlyn Bristowe

Desiree Hartstock

… and the only one who offers any actual advice, Ali Fedotowsky, who tells Charity to ignore the man she’s most attracted to on the first night, and give the other guys a chance.

And then Charity arrives at the McMansion, where Jesse Palmer greets her and announces that the first limo is arriving.

Wait. WAIT.

HOLD UP.

WHERE IS THE MONTAGE OF THE ONLY EIGHT GUYS WHOSE NAMES WE NEED TO LEARN? How on EARTH are we supposed to figure out which guys we should care about and which we can ignore if we don’t get a cheat sheet at the beginning of the episode? You’re just going to throw us into the deep end and expect us all to keep track of all these himbos on our own?

 

Oh, and based on the way it was used five times in the first five minutes of this show, the Secret Word this season is “authenticity” or some variation thereof.

Let’s meet these men:

Aaron B., 29, Software Salesman, San Diego, California

And … here is the video bio package I was looking for … I guess we are moving them into the individual arrivals instead of lumping them all together at the start. Which is fine. I guess.

Aaron might be a software salesman by day, but he also likes pictures, music, and the beach. And, look, I don’t want to dump on this guy too much because he does seem pretty nice, but owning a film camera is not exactly a personality.

Upon meeting Charity, he tells her that some people call him “A-A-Ron,” which is an A+ Key & Peele reference.

He then pulls a coin out of his pocket, explains that it is his “lucky” coin and that he’s going to flip it: heads, they get engaged; tails, he packs his bags and goes home. And what do you know, but it lands on heads! What are the chances? (It would be 50/50 except that it’s a trick coin obviously.)

Josh, 28, Harvard Grad Student, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania:

Josh places Charity’s hand on his heart and promises to protect, honor, and cherish her. It’s an intimate gesture that Charity seems impressed by. It is way too sincere and gives me the ick, as the kids say these days. Also, how long do we have to wait until the word “Harvard” is said?

Joey, 27, Tennis Pro, Lawai, Hawaii:

Our tennis pro warrants a bio package where we learn that he was born in Philly, but now teaches tennis in Paradise, and then we hear a lot about his parents’ divorce.

Tennis Guy brings her a plumeria, explaining that Hawaiian women wear the flower behind their right ear when they are available, but then move it to their left when they are taken. So obviously, he ends by saying that he hopes by the end of their journey, she will be wearing it above her left.

Warwick, 27, Construction Manager, Nashville, Tennessee:

Warwick comes armed with a one-way ticket for Charity to his hometown of Oxford, Ohio, which would be presumptuous, but he’s got a really nice smile, so I’m inclined to let it go.

Xavier, 27, Biomedical Scientist, Carrboro, North Carolina

Almost-Dr. Xavier explains in his bio package that his mother suffered from an autoimmune disorder, which inspired him to pursue a doctorate in biochemistry. He also knits. And if that’s not sweet (twee) enough, he also plays the ukelele.

Upon meeting Charity, Almost-Dr. delivers a line, something about hoping to find the cure to a lonely heart. It’s fine. He should have knitted her something, though.

Caleb A., 29, Resident Physician, Ann Arbor, Michigan

Actual Doctor Caleb brings out a stethoscope and encourages her to listen to his heart. It’s pretty simple, but a decent way of revealing that he’s a doctor.

Khalid, 28, Tech Recruiter, Dearborn, Michigan

Khalid’s line is that while “Charity” means “love,” “Khalid” means “eternal life” and so they should bring the two together.

Nic, 32, HR Executive, Bayonne, New Jersey

Nic says something about having been a fighter and being willing to fight for her. Friend, you are in human resources.

John Henry, 30, Underwater Welder, Virginia Beach, Virginia

John Henry arrives wearing his diving helmet and explains that he’s ready to “dive in” with her. I AM NOT GOING TO MAKE AN OCEANGATE JOKE HERE BECAUSE IT’S TOO SOON. OR SOMETHING.

Aaron S., 33, Firefighter, San Diego, California

The firefighter brings a candle with him so that they can make a wish together. Ok, but as a firefighter, shouldn’t fire be his mortal enemy? (Unless he’s one of those firefighters who is secretly an arsonist who starts fires so that he can be the hero who arrives and puts it out …

… I’ve got to stop listening to so much true crime, you guys.)

Tanner, 30, Mortgage Lender, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

This guy gives her a towel.

A towel.

Chris, 27, World Record Jumper, White Plains, New York

In Chris’ bio package, we learn that he is the world record holder for the highest standing jump. Which is really something and his little backflips and such are impressive! But this … this is not a profession, my guy.

Backflips obviously does a bunch of backflips upon leaving the limo.

Brayden, 24, Travel Nurse, San Diego, California

In his bio package, when this goof isn’t cliff diving and snowboarding and bungee jumping and talking about how wants to go on a “magic carpet ride,” he’s doing yoga on a beach yammering about having been cheated on. He seems exhausting.

Brayden emerges from the limo carrying a tray, and explaining that he’s a nurse: hence, he’s brought shots … tequila shots.

Spencer, 32, Medical Sales Director, Moorpark, California

THIS GUY.

So, this guy gets out of the limo looking either stunned or seasick. He introduces himself, before announcing that he’s going to tell her more about himself: he’s Spencer. He does martial arts. When prompted to teach her a move, he places her hand on his shoulder and tells her that if anyone messes with her, she should kick them right in the balls. He then balls up a fist and bites it, in preparation for her to do just that. When Charity, HORRIFIED, tells him that under no circumstances is she going to kick him in the balls, a wave of relief washes over him and he stumbles inside the house in a daze.

Is he alright, you guys? I suspect he might be neurodivergent and I don’t want to be mean. But I also genuinely hope they did some background checks on these guys because if he’s not neurodivergent he’s giving off big dark secrets vibes.

Caleb B., 24, Pro Wrestler, Orlando, Florida

I am trying to ignore all the red flags in that bio line above (wrestler 🚩; Orlando 🚩; Florida 🚩), because in his bio video, Caleb explains that while his wrestler persona is “self-loving douche,” it’s the opposite of his actual personality. He also arrives wearing a cowboy hat, and neither Charity nor I are mad about that.

Joe, 32, Tech Operations Director, San Francisco, California

All we learn about Joe is that he’s tall.

Kaleb K., 26, Construction Salesman, Norcross, Georgia

Tall.

Adrian, 33, Realtor, Northridge, California

Also tall.

James, 28, Attorney, Chicago, Illinois

Literally, the only thing we learn about James the attorney is that his name is James and he is an attorney.

Peter, 33, Airline pilot, New York, New York

NOT ANOTHER PILOT PETE.

Michael, 28, Yacht Captain, Chicago, Illinois

Michael gives her a bracelet with a boat charm, explaining that he’s captain of a boat in Chicago. Not the most imaginative intro, but she’ll remember what he does for a living, I guess.

Taylor, 32, Loan Officer, Springboro, Ohio

Taylor emerges from the limo recording himself on his phone talking to his future kids about how he’s about to meet their mom for the first time. And, like, I get it. But I have to be honest, when he first came out, I thought he was FaceTiming his actual kids and was introducing them to her. And that’s on me for not realizing what the joke was.

But the more I thought about the entire bit, I was left kinda angry at the logic — they are literally on a television show. There’s no need for him to film himself meeting his future kids’ mother because THERE ARE CAMERAS EVERYWHERE.

But then, I can just be pedantic like that, so.

Sean, 25, Software Sales Rep, Tampa, Florida

Sean arrives with a big fake check with a donation of his heart to Charity. Get it?

John, 27, Data Scientist, New York, New York

John comes with a fortune cookie for Charity that reads “You will meet the man of your dreams tonight. His name is John.” And it is going to take all of my strength to not call John “Fortune Cookie” because I worry that might be racist. BUT HE GAVE HER A FORTUNE COOKIE.

Dotun, 30, Integrative Medicine Specialist, Brooklyn, New York

Finally, Dotun. In his video package, Dotun explains that he is originally from Nigeria, but his family moved to New York when he was four. He also adds that he watched Charity’s season of The Bachelor, and felt like she’s the kind of woman he could fall in love with in a short period of time. Which, honestly, isn’t a terrible answer to this whole weird-ass situation. I mean, it’s never great to say that you could fall in love with someone you saw on the teevee, but we find ourselves trapped in Bachelor Nation where this is a form of logic, so.

Upon meeting Charity, Dotun delivers what sounds like might be a poem, but might also just be the way he speaks? All I’m saying is he rhymes “you” with “through” with “you” again, so if it is a poem: C-.

He is very tall, though.

Right — so, just a quick recap before we move forward, the men who received video bio packages, and hence, the men we need to be paying attention to are:

• A-A-Ron

• Tennis Boy

• Almost-Dr. X

• Backflips

• Tequila Shots

• Ric Flair

• Dotun

But before we head into the McMansion and start talking to these guys, Jesse Palmer has one more surprise for Charity: her brother and best friend, Nehemiah is here to offer her support — or something. Nehemiah doesn’t really explain and Charity doesn’t ask a lot of questions, even when he disappears stage left moments after revealing his arrival.

What Charity doesn’t know is that as soon as he leaves, her brother puts on the single worst disguise this side of Undercover Boss.

Y’all. Y’ALL.

The wig is one thing. The fake mustache is another. But it’s the hat that takes this look from, “Wow, why is that guy rocking hair from 1986?” to “Who is that man and why is he wearing the single worst disguise I’ve ever seen? Who is he hiding from? Poorly?”

Anyway, the plan is Nehemiah and his wig-hat combo are going to man the bar so as to eavesdrop on the men and report back to his sister if he hears anything suspicious. And that’s a fun plan! Except for the giant logic hole in which no reasonable person is going to reveal anything in front of the worst-disguised undercover cop they’ve ever seen.

But back to Charity. She heads into the McMansion, delivers a generic speech thanking them for being there and about trusting the process, and then heads off to her first conversation with Tennis Boy. It’s boring, nothing of interest is said, but Charity does say that something about him gives her “butterflies.”

James the Lawyer presents her a box that his parents prepared for them which includes a letter FROM HIS MOM, and some donuts and apple cider from his family’s farm.

From my evaluations of each of the men based on their bios. AHEM:

James sounds like a character from a Hallmark movie and I don’t mean that in a good way. There’s nothing wrong with this bio, but that in and of itself is suspicious. Also, I bet he talks about that apple farm constantly. Odds on him showing up on night one with an apple in hand?

Almost-Dr. X earns himself the first kiss after talking about being open and vulnerable and stuff.

Meanwhile, at the bar, Gene Parmesan starts asking the men if any of them have kissed Charity yet, and they’re all like, “We’ve been here 15 minutes, Hat Man, chill.”

The most interesting thing Nehemiah overhears is when Cap’n Chicago says that he doesn’t usually date petite girls, having been raised in the South. And as a petite woman from the South, may I say:

Fortune Cookie Sad Pop Music (which I’m going to go with until something better/not racist comes along because in his bio he reveals he works out to sad pop music at the gym which we can all agree is just … weird) chats with Charity about being close with their siblings, which, see, is ironic because her brother is RIGHT THERE UNDER A PILE OF SYNTHETIC HAIR. Sad Pop Music also earns a kiss from Charity.

As always, the moment Jesse Palmer brings out the First Impression Rose, the metallic scent of panic fills the McMansion. As Charity makes her way through the living room, in a desperate bid for attention, Backflips begins doing a furious set of backflips and high jumps. Everyone wearily nods like he’s an eight-year-old showing off his karate moves. 

Charity then visits with Kick Me in the Balls, who explains that like Charity, he’s in the healthcare business. And by “business” I mean that literally. While she’s a children’s mental health counselor, he’s in medical device sales. So they’re exactly the same when you think about it.

Kick Me in the Balls then reveals there is something about him that might be a deal breaker — you know, other than asking strange women to kick him in the gonads. Kick Me in the Balls reveals that he has a son, which Charity assures him is a “beautiful” thing, and she recognizes how much he’s sacrificed to be on this dumb show. After his conversation with her, Kick Me in the Balls declares that he’s on “cloud nine” while making serial killer eyes.

That would be all of the nopes for me, Bob.

Deleted: Charity next speaks to A-A-Ron who breaks out a keyboard and sings to her about giving her warm baths and foot rubs, which, again, feels a little forward for having just met. He then pulls out his trick coin again, and flips for a kiss. And guess what? He wins! What are the chances?

Back at the bar, some of the men have noticed that the bartender is being awfully nosy and wearing a weird hat, and they begin wondering if they know him from somewhere because Mission Impossible over here is obviously is trying to hide his identity from someone.

“Is that a fake mustache?” asks one guy who has working eyeballs.

Meanwhile, Charity is chatting with Tequila Shots who opens with that he’s been cheated on, too, and how he just has so much empathy, he can’t help but give everything he has to other people and, in fact, you might say he is overly considerate.

Charity makes out with him, which only encourages him. After, Tequila Shots goes out to the bar area and announces that he just kissed her, which is, you know, kinda tacky. And then he just refuses to shut up about it. Tequila Shots goes on and on and ON about how great the kiss was, somehow manages to compare himself to Humphrey Bogart?, and just generally irritates everyone, Charity’s brother most of all. 

Having finally overheard something not great from these men, Nehemiah decides it’s time to reveal his true identity. The men are gathered in the living room where they are greeted by the bartender in the weird costume, and he begins to peel the layers of his Party City disguise off.

Eventually, he has to tell them that he’s Charity’s brother, Nehemiah, and some of these guys try to act like they have any idea who he is — or that they would have recognized him if it weren’t for that expertly applied disguise.

ANYWAY. He warns them that he overheard some shit and HE’S GONNA GO TELL HIS SISTER.

 

With that, Nehemiah takes Charity aside and informs her that for the most part, the men were nice. Boring even. That said, there was one guy who rubbed Nehemiah the wrong way: Tequila Shots. He crossed the line from being enthusiastic to cocky, almost like he knew he was going to receive the First Impression Rose.

Charity thanks him for his input, marches out to the men, asks to speak to Tequila Shots, and promptly gives him the First Impression Rose.

And with that, it’s time for the Rose Ceremony. Line up, ding-a-lings.

Rose #1: A-A-Ron
Rose #2: Sad Pop Music
Rose #3: Almost-Dr. X
Rose #4: Tennis Boy
Rose #5: Ric Flair
Rose #6: One-Way Ticket
Rose #7: Firebug
Rose #8: Actual Dr. Caleb
Rose #9: Tall Adrian
Rose #10: Apple Cider
Rose #11: Big Check
Rose #12: Cap’n Chicago
Rose #13: Towelie
Rose #14: Dotun
Rose #15: Tall Kaleb
Rose #16: Deep Dive
Rose #17: Mr. Sincerity
Rose #18: Kick Me in the Balls

Which means the men who must go away now are: Backflips; Tall Joe; Everlasting Life; Human Resources; Pilot Pete Jr.; and Home Video.

The Men Who Are Soon Going to be Dumped by Charity:

The Men Who Have Been Dumped by Charity:

 

Alright — so I’m going to be late with these for the next couple of episodes, but I swear, I’m going to do my best to catch up. Hang in there, and go get Momma another glass of box wine.

The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Mondays at 7/8 p.m. and streams on Hulu.