‘The Bachelor’: A new generation of women tell all

by Therese Odell, posted in the bachelor: season 27

The Bachelor
March 14, 2023

‘The Women Tell All’ specials are not my favorite episodes of The Bachelor: they tend to be 80% women screaming at each other, 10% women screaming at The Bachelor, and 10% bloopers. But as I’ve pointed out in earlier recaps, this is the first season that the cast is mostly made up of Gen Zers, and I think that is what made this special feel … different from the others. Yes, there was some bickering, there always is, but there was also some real growth and self-reflection, some open conversations about racism and micro-aggressions, and a lot of self-love. It was a refreshing change from past seasons that have been thick mostly with toxicity. I will never love this show — it is a hornet’s nest of not-so-internalized misogyny and retrograde ideas about heterosexual relationships, but I am admittedly curious how women of this new generation will navigate it.

We begin the night with a lie. Looking for something to fill two hours’ worth of nonsense, the producers have resorted to an old chestnut: bringing the Bachelor to totally spontaneous, not staged at all viewing parties around Los Angeles. Except … how is it that at the first viewing party, the one Jesse and Zach attend at the sorority house, the show is in the middle of watching the rose ceremony, and yet Jesse and Zach then go to several more parties around town while the show is still on? That’s not how the time-space continuum works, y’all.

And then we’re back in the Bachelor studio with Jesse and a bunch of women you don’t even remember:

After asking Love Charity what it was like on the first night, and Gabagool jumping in to interrupt her to give her opinion — even though no one asked — we are treated to the obligatory montage of the season, including all of the conflicts among the women. Such as they were.

One of those conflicts centered on Christina Mandrell, and how she stomped all over Love Charity’s moment by pouting about not receiving the group date rose. There’s a lot of cross-talk: some women, including Julia Roberts, complain that Christina Mandrell made everyone uncomfortable, while others, including Olivia #1, insist that Christina Mandrell just has a bold personality. When Julia Roberts points out that Olivia #1 was eliminated on the first night, Olivia #1 fires back that Julia Roberts was eliminated after Zach got to know her.

After more cross-talk and shouting, Christina Mandrell finally speaks in her defense, saying that she was surprised by the reaction she received from the other women, that no one has ever told her that she made them uncomfortable before. Christina Mandrell agrees that she should have kept her mouth shut more and that she’ll try to be better in the future.

Jesse then turns the conversation to the Someone Named Anastasia situation and whether or not she was just on the show to gain Instagram followers since, you know, her entire job is being on Instagram. Someone Named Anastasia insists that she was just answering questions the other women asked her about her job when Gabagool announces that she heard that Someone Named Anastasia had a boyfriend the entire time she was on the show.

This is a surprise to Jesse, who demands to hear more, and Gabagool and some other woman — Script Writer maybe? — claim that they have the receipts. Someone Named Anastasia denies everything, insisting that the man they are saying is her boyfriend is just her dog sitter, until Script Writer sighs that Someone Named Anastasia should just keep lying; maybe she’ll get those 50 thousand followers she wanted so badly.

Jesse then turns to Bullhorn to ask her about the initial conflict between herself and Someone Named Anastasia that set all of this off, and Bullhorn reminds everyone that Someone Named Anastasia lied about her being aggressive and scary when she just asked for some time with Zach.

And then one of my favorite women from this entire season who did not receive nearly enough screen time and who I hope earns a place in Paradise, Baby Nurse, steps in to explain to Someone Named Anastasia the “angry black woman” trope and what microaggressions are.

Someone Named Anastasia replies that the main thing is that she wants Bullhorn to know that she “loves” her and that she’s sorry if anything she did made her uncomfortable, that was never her intention. And Someone Named Anastasia sorta suggests that she and Bullhorn had talked things out and that she had apologized? But Bullhorn is like, “No ma’am, that never happened. You’re just saying that because you’re worried about how people are going to view you.”

And then there was Julia Roberts and that little stunt she pulled before Love Charity’s one-on-one date when she pulled Zach out into the hallway to make out. Julia Roberts insists that she apologized immediately and that she was shocked at the strong reaction from the other women. It was never her intention to take away from Love Charity’s big date, she firmly states.

Jesse reminds us — as if we needed reminding — that Rodeo Girl came to Love Charity’s defense, and Julia Roberts is like, “YEAH AND SHE WAS REALLY RUDE ABOUT IT AND SHE CALLED ME CLASSLESS.” Rodeo Girl reuses her crowd-pleasing line from the episode in question: “If the shoe fits, lace that bitch right on up,” which only infuriates Julia Roberts further. COVID STOLE HER TIME WITH ZACH AND ANYWAY ZACH CONSENTED TO SPENDING THAT TIME WITH HER SO HOW DARE RODEO GIRL COME AFTER HER CHARACTER!

Rodeo Girl:

Glitter Bomb tries to make peace with everyone, because that’s what she does, which brings us to Glitter Bomb’s story and how she left the show — like a boss.

After the Glitter Bomb montage, Glitter Bomb explains to Jesse that she feels like she was misunderstood: she just wanted a date and some time with Zach, you know, the guy that she was “dating” and could potentially become engaged to in a matter of weeks.

I mean, even That Asshole Nick Viall had her back:

Glitter Bomb says that watching it back, she was proud of herself for being so strong, and recognizing that she deserved more than what she was getting.

Jesse then takes note of what everyone was thinking: What is with all the body glitter? And Glitter Bomb, bless her self-loving heart, explains that it helped her confidence and that you should never let someone else dull your sparkle.

Blackface Defender is the next to receive some personalized attention from Jesse, and she finds herself crying while watching the montage, explaining that it’s hard to watch it back. They had such a strong connection in the beginning, but thanks to the pandemic, they never had time together after that. Jesse wonders if she really thought she was going to get a hometown date after not seeing him for three weeks, and Blackface Defender is like, “A girl’s gotta hope, right?” ALSO, she insists, IT WAS NOT ABOUT THE TEA.

NARRATOR: It was definitely about the tea.

Jesse then brings up the “controversy” that emerged after they were done filming. He adds that in the past, the franchise has done, and I quote, “A POOR JOB” addressing serious topics head-on, but they aren’t going to do that tonight.

Did you hear that, Chris Harrison? That was the sound of your hopes of ever returning to The Bachelor sputtering out.

Jesse then explains to those who don’t know that Blackface Defender defended a friend’s use of blackface on social media a few years ago, and Blackface Defender says yes, that she’s glad to have the opportunity to discuss this. She posted an apology about it on social media, but what she failed to do was say explicitly that what happened was racist and that her defending it was racist.

IS THIS THE FIRST TIME SOMEONE HAS ACTUALLY APOLOGIZED AND APOLOGIZED CORRECTLY IN THE HISTORY OF THIS DUMB SHOW?

Blackface Defender goes on to say that she is ashamed of her behavior and how it hurt the Black community. She can’t go back in time, but she can do and be better in the future.

SOMEONE PASS ME THE SMELLING SALTS.

Jesse goes on to explain that Blackface Defender sat with Dr. Kira Banks, a professor and diversity, equity, and inclusion consultant, who is there in the audience. Blackface Defender explains that Dr. Banks helped her understand that she needed to be more open-minded and to think before she speaks, and to do some research on why blackface is so offensive. Blackface Defender came to learn that it was a dehumanizing symbol and she does not want to excuse her friend’s behavior.

YOU CAN FIND ME ON MY FAINTING COUCH.

Next, Julia Roberts joins Jesse in the proverbial “hot seat” where after watching the montage, she cries about how happy she and Zach were together, and how she just doesn’t understand why it all fell apart. But, she reveals, being on the show and talking about her issues with her mother actually helped reunite them and they are working on building a healthy relationship. So she had a happy ending, after all; probably happier than if Zach had kept her around, if we’re all being honest.

Finally, it’s Love Charity’s turn, and she, too, cries over her montage. A serious question — does ABC not pay for these women to receive a little therapy after they are eliminated? Not everyone would be entitled to it, of course: if you’re eliminated while you’re still in the McMansion: no therapy for you. But if you get past the halfway point, you should be entitled to as many therapy sessions as episodes you appeared in.

ANYWAY. Love Charity talks about what a standup guy Zach is, and how he made her feel secure and confident, which is why he was completely blindsided when he dumped her after Hometowns. That said, she does know that this can be a learning experience and that good things are in store for her. She thought she was ready for love while she was with Zach, and now she knows she is ready for certain and is even more eager to find that forever person.

And with that, Charity hits every single buzzword that unlocks the night’s biggest prize: becoming the Bachelorette.

Zach is finally brought out for the women to confront. Julia Roberts wants to know what the hell happened? Why did he dump her? Doesn’t he have eyeballs? LOOK AT HOW PRETTY SHE IS! Zach is like, “there wasn’t one particular thing, I just had to make a hard decision.”

As for Love Charity, he insists to her that it was an incredibly hard choice and that he had “the biggest pit in [his] stomach” because he didn’t know what to do. Zach tells her that he “thinks the world” of her, which he asserts twice.

With Glitter Bomb, she says that the whole conversation was hard because they misunderstood each other, and watching it back she was shocked at how sad he seemed. Why couldn’t he show some of that emotion in the moment? Zach explains that he didn’t expect the night to go the way it did and that he was shocked and frustrated and unable to express his emotions properly.

Glitter Bomb has one last question for him: was it the sparkles?

Zach promises it wasn’t the sparkles.

Jesse asks Zach what has surprised him the most while watching the season back, and Zach says it’s the number of shower scenes.

CORRECT. THAT IS ACTUALLY THE CORRECT ANSWER, SIR.

Jesse then opens the floor to the rest of the women and Bullhorn and Henry the Pig’s Mom ask if they can have a group hug as they were eliminated when he had the COVID. Zach obliges, and then we watch a bunch of dumb bloopers and previews of the final two episodes. Y’all, I do not have time for all that. I still have the Fantasy Suites to get to, so WE ARE SHUTTING THIS DOWN. I’ll see you in Thailand.

Here are the ladies who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Zach:

The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m and streams on Hulu.

Leave a Reply