‘The Bachelor’: Like a candle in the wind

by Therese Odell, posted in the bachelor: season 27

The Bachelor
February 27, 2023

It’s morning again, and we find ourselves improbably in Tallinn, Estonia, a place I am embarrassed to admit I had never heard of before this moment. (Tallinn — not Estonia. I’ve obviously heard of Estonia.) And it seems charming! Things I’ve learned about Tallinn in the past five minutes: it’s the capital of Estonia and is its most populous city; it’s been a recognized city since 1248 but there’s evidence of human habitation dating back at least 5,000 years; it’s UNESCO World Heritage Site and one of Europe’s best preserved medieval cities; and it is one of the last European pagan civilizations to be forced into Christianity.

The show tells us none of this.

Instead, the remaining women talk about how cute the city is, that it’s “like a fairy tale,” and an old Bachelor classic: it is a “beautiful place to fall in love.”

Meanwhile, Zach meets with Jesse Palmer to discuss the “big week” ahead, to inform him that Blackface Defender has COVID and will be isolating this week …

… and to rank discuss the remaining 9 women:

  1. Austin Nurse is funny and sweet and what they have is special.
  2. Rodeo Girl is a “straight shooter” and “doing herself.”
  3. Julia Roberts is someone who he is “excited” to be near
  4. Maple Syrup showed him on their one-on-one that there is something strong between them.
  5. Someone Named Aly is someone he barely remembers and she is doomed.
  6. Bored is “intriguing” and it feels like her eyes look directly into his soul.
  7. Glitter Bomb is someone he doesn’t know and she is doomed.
  8. Love Charity has been great so far, and it’s only getting better.
  9. Blackface Defender doesn’t warrant a comment because she’s not going to be going on any dates this week and therefore might as well not exist.

The women receive the first date card at the hotel:

“Love Charity: Let’s make up for lost time. Zach.”

The women seem genuinely happy for Love Charity, having missed her one-on-one in London thanks to Zach’s COVID-19 diagnosis. However, when Zach arrives to pick Love Charity up for their date, Julia Roberts decides that now is a good time to pull a cocktail party stunt and asks to speak to Zach alone. He agrees, and the two go into the hallway where Julia Roberts explains that she wants him to have fun on his date and everything but that she missed him, before kissing him. GIRL, IT IS NOT YOUR TIME.

Love Charity looks sick to her stomach while they are in the hallway, and when they return, the atmosphere in the room has become much thicker.  As soon as Love Charity and Zach leave for their date, the other women are like, “Uhh .. what was that?” Julia Roberts explains that she missed Zach and wanted to let him know.

Someone Named Aly is the first to say that if that happened before her one-on-one with Zach, it would mess with her head, but Julia Roberts is all defensive and insists that it’s been a long time since she’s seen him and she’s allowed to do that.

Rodeo Girl is NOT HAVING IT and tells Julia Roberts that it was not her time to take; that Zach came here for Love Charity. Julia Roberts argues that is for Love Charity to tell her, not Rodeo Girl, but Rodeo Girl is like, “well, since we’re all telling each other how we feel, I felt what you did was classless.”

Julia Roberts complains that everyone is being “aggressive” towards her and using “offensive words” and who’s Rodeo Girl think she is trying to dictate what everyone can do and when?

Rodeo Girl counters that it’s just her opinion and that she, for one, wouldn’t be so selfish as to take a moment away from someone else.

Later, Rodeo Girl complains to Austin Nurse that the thing that irritates her the most about this situation is that Julia Roberts is trying to play the victim, before explaining in an interview that what she said wasn’t harsh: if Julia Roberts wants some “harsh words,” just give Rodeo Girl a second because she was holding back earlier.

For her part, Julia Roberts is complaining to Bored that she feels attacked and wonders why she can’t have her moment, only to have Bored tell her that what she did doesn’t make her a bad person but that it did rub people the wrong way because she’s already had an uninterrupted one-on-one. Julia Roberts protests that this is DIFFERENT because COVID and that she wouldn’t have done it otherwise.

Bored: “But it is what you did.”

And I should note here that some people are mad at Zach for accepting Julia Robert’s invitation to talk and make out, and I get that. He probably should have said no. But there was an interview with him recently asking why he doesn’t intervene when the women get into fights about spending time with him, like the fight two weeks ago involving Bullhorn and Someone Named Anastasia. Zach replied that the producers essentially instruct him to be neutral and let the women work it out. So I’m pretty sure the producers encouraged Zach to follow the women’s lead and let them hash these things out so that they can make the dramaz.

As for the date itself, Zach and Love Charity take a carriage ride through Tallinn, and head to a park. There, a “wife-carrying contest” just happens to be taking place — you know how wife-carrying contests are so common that it’s hard to NOT stumble upon one when you’re in a foreign country — so obviously they take part, despite the fact that no one involved is actually a wife. 

They then go to a liquor store? Maybe? Where an Estonian elf makes them drink some pepper vodka while standing on one leg. After that, they go to a candy shop where they attempt to Lady & the Tramp a piece of marzipan.

NOTE TO ALL FUTURE BACHELOR AND BACHELORETTE CONTESTANTS: NOT ALL FOOD CAN BE LADY & THE TRAMPED, PLEASE STOP TRYING. MY GOD.

Anyway, it seems like a fun day, but — and this has nothing to do with anything — but what is Love Charity’s accent, y’all? She is from Columbus, Georgia, and there is a lot of Southern lilt in there, but there’s also a dash of California surfer? And there’s a LOT of Philadelphia/Delco going on. What … WHAT IS IT?

 

That evening, Love Charity has decided (like every Bachelorette before her) that she is going to share her sob story with Zach over fake dinner. As for that story, she reveals that she was emotionally abused in her past relationship and that she’s never known what it feels like to be really seen as a partner or girlfriend. In tears, Love Charity reveals that this past boyfriend cheated on her and manipulated her, and left her feeling ashamed and regretful.

Zach, this doofus, he tries to commiserate with Love Charity by telling her that he too has felt lost in a relationship, so much so that he didn’t know what his favorite music was anymore.

NOT THE SAME THING, MY DUDE.

Anyway, he offers her the rose, and she accepts.

Back at the hotel, the group date card arrives:

“Rodeo Girl, Austin Nurse, Julia Roberts, Maple Syrup, Someone Named Aly, Glitter Bomb: True love feels like magic. Zach.”

Which means Bored receives the one-on-one. 

Glitter Bomb, who is the only other woman in the room that has not received a one-on-one:

Everyone is like, “Technically, you’re not the last person to not go on a one-on-one: Blackface Defender is still here!”

This does little (nothing) to stop Glitter Bomb’s sobbing.

The next day the women wait for the group date to begin, and ask Love Charity how her date went. She tells them about the carriage and exploring Estonian culture and how it was a really good day despite having to try to forget things that happened before the date (JULIA ROBERTS).

Julia Roberts is like, “LOOK. YESTERDAY WAS A LOT FOR ME AND I DIDN’T WANT TO BRING IT UP BEFORE THE GROUP DATE AND HAVE IT RUIN IT …”

But before she can finish that thought, Rodeo Girl is all over her: “Oh, my God! You don’t want to ruin the group date! You don’t want to have it and ruin your time like it did Love Charity’s?”

Julia Roberts asks why Rodeo Girl is being so aggressive, and Rodeo Girl answers it’s because Julia Roberts has her head up her ass.

Julia Roberts insists that they can have emotions and feelings without intentionally hurting others’ feelings, to which Rodeo Girl responds: “If it hurt your feelings … like if the shoe fits, lace that bitch up.”

It’s never going to happen, but I am calling for them to make Rodeo Girl the next Bachelorette. I KNOW, SHE’S MUCH TOO VALUABLE TO PARADISE. But she’d be an amazing Bachelorette.

As for the group date, remember how I mentioned that Estonia was the last part of Europe to be Christianized? Yeah, so Zach takes the women to a witch and they do witchy things, like dance around a giant cauldron and get saged.

They also perform a “love” ritual which involves Zach and each of the women holding a candle and staring at each other through the flame, and all of the women talk about the “positive vibes” and “special connection” they feel with Zach while doing this … all of the women except Glitter Bomb whose flame is blown out during the ritual.

That evening while waiting for Zach to arrive at the afterparty, Glitter Bomb admits to having an anxiety attack over the fact that she’s the only one among them who hasn’t had a one-on-one. The other women:

Zach finally arrives and after some discussion of his peacoat (??) Zach takes Austin Nurse aside for a conversation. It’s boring. He then takes Maple Syrup aside for a conversation. It’s boring.

Meanwhile, while she waits to talk to Zach, Glitter Bomb spends her time telling everyone that she’s the last one to have a one-on-one roughly 77 times. WE KNOW. WE HEARD YOU THE FIRST 45 TIMES YOU MENTIONED IT.

And before we get to Zach and Glitter Bomb’s conversation, A QUIBBLE.

So, Zach comes into the room to collect Glitter Bomb and he’s wearing a blazer over an untucked dress shirt, which … you know … fine. I live with a man who would rather die than wear a blazer over an untucked shirt, but I also recognize that he can be a little … stiff in his fashion choices.

That said, GENTLEMEN: if you are going to wear a blazer over an untucked shirt, DO NOT BUTTON YOUR BLAZER.

Just look at this dork:

 

This looks so dumb. I would have self-eliminated the moment this doofus walked into the room.

But it takes Glitter Bomb a bit longer.

After yammering in a talking head about how he finds Glitter Bomb “intriguing,” Zach takes Glitter Bomb aside for their conversation. There, after they chat about the witchy date taking them out of their comfort zone, Zach, clearly having been given the heads up by the producers, asks Glitter Bomb how she’s feeling, and she’s honest: NOT GREAT, BOB.

Glitter Bomb explains that she doesn’t have a lot of confidence in them, especially compared to all the other women who have had one-on-one dates with him. She tries to tell him that it’s hard to be the last one picked, and Zach, he becomes weirdly argumentative with her, insisting that it doesn’t matter that she hasn’t had a one-on-one yet (IT ABSOLUTELY DOES) and that he has confidence in them so she shouldn’t worry.

When Glitter Bomb (correctly) points out that spending the entire day together moves the relationship to the next level and allows people to become vulnerable with each other, Zach becomes exasperated and says with a straight face that she keeps bringing up a “one-on-one” and he doesn’t get it, what is he missing?

Glitter Bomb is sobbing by this point, and sighs that she just doesn’t know where his head is. And that’s when Zach’s entire vibe changes, and he tells her that he’s “nervous” and that, despite telling her just the opposite not two minutes ago, he just doesn’t have “confidence” in them. WELL THAT WAS FAST, SIR.

Tearfully, Glitter Bomb tells Zach that she wants someone to fight for her and she’s not going to beg, and Zach looks shocked! SHOCKED! as he gets up to walk her out to the Mine kohe koju, kaubik. This is the “last thing” he expected with Glitter Bomb! It doesn’t feel fair! He’s so confused! He did not see this coming! And this goon, he begins crying. Crying! Bitch, all you had to do was assure her that she’d get a one-on-one next week — which shouldn’t have been hard to promise considering there are only two women left who haven’t had a one-on-one, so I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOUR TEARS, ZACH.

Glitter Bomb cries in the Mine kohe koju, kaubik: Is it so crazy to want to go on a date with someone I might marry?

No. No, it is not, ma’am, and Zach was dismissive and rude and you deserve a great deal more than that large-browed dingus.

Zach returns to the women to tell them that he just sent Glitter Bomb home — OH, DID YOU? IS THAT ACTUALLY WHAT HAPPENED, SIR? BECAUSE I REMEMBER IT SOMEWHAT DIFFERENTLY FROM 30 SECONDS AGO — and he’s feeling so crummy about the whole thing that he’s not giving a rose out tonight, everyone go home.

The next day, Zach takes Bored for a “spa” day, but it’s not until they have arrived and have enjoyed their welcome charcuterie plate that it’s revealed it’s a nude sauna. The sauna lady explains that the sauna is a sacred space to the Estonians; it cleanses their bodies, minds, and spirits, and so they go into them naked.

However, Zach and Bored are not Estonian and will be doing no such thing.

In their bathing suits, Zach and Bored are first led through a meditation by their sauna lady — which they do not take seriously — before being led into a shack sauna. They are soon joined by a nude couple, and after the initial embarrassment of being in this small space with this mom and dad’s bits and pieces passes, they ask for relationship advice. And to be fair to these naked Estonians, they offer some sound advice: be honest, give each other space, trust is everything, and TALKING! TALKING! TALKING!

Zach and Bored excuse themselves to the hot tub where Zach gushes about what a fun date it’s been. And then! This man! He has the AUDACITY to say in an interview that before this date, things had been “surface level” with Bored, but now that he’s gotten to know her better, he feels like he can be more himself with her.

HUH. IT’S ALMOST LIKE GOING ON A ONE-ON-ONE DATE MATTERS OR SOMETHING.

Anyway, the nude couple then ruins the moment by getting into the hot tub with them.

That evening over fake dinner they discuss the date, again, and Bored’s big reveal is that she sometimes has a difficult time being vulnerable, and has a tendency to undercut things with humor. There’s some vague talk about previous heartbreak but nothing memorable enough to really pin a whole Bachelorette bio on, you know? All I’m saying, Bored, is that you’re going to need to come up with something a little spicier if you don’t want to be shipped directly off to Paradise when Zach dumps you.

He offers her the date rose, and she accepts.

The next night at the rose ceremony cocktail party, Zach chats with Someone Named Aly who talks about how she’s (barely) hanging in there. Zach asks if they’re not feeling confident in their relationship, or not learning something, then why are they even here?

Excellent point, Zach.

But then he kisses Someone Named Aly, suggesting that he does feel confident in them and that he is learning something.

SPOILER ALERT: No he doesn’t and no he isn’t.

Maple Syrup brings him Estonian pancakes which they eat Lady & the Tramp style.

WHAT DID I JUST SAY ABOUT DOING THAT?

Elsewhere, Love Charity tries to talk to Julia Roberts alone about the whole “stealing Zach before her date” thing, but Rodeo Girl joins them and demands to know if Julia Roberts would have pulled that stunt before, say, Glitter Bomb went on a date with Zach?

OOH, RODEO GIRL, WHAT ARE YOU GETTING AT? I mean, we all know what you’re suggesting here, that Julia Roberts stole that moment from one of only two Black women left on the show, and while she’s not calling Julia Roberts a racist or at the very least wielding her white privilege like a weapon, she kinda is. Kudos, ma’am.

Julia Roberts storms out of the room and tells the other women that Rodeo Girl is trying to create drama. Julia Roberts then tells someone — a producer, presumably — that she is not going to apologize and that IT’S NOT FAIR.

Zach finally takes Julia Roberts aside and asks her if she felt like there was a weird vibe at the witch date, and she claims that it was just because she hadn’t been on a group date in so long. The producers definitely set up this conversation so that she would whine to him about Rodeo Girl being a bully, and to her credit, she did not take the bait.

But y’all know that they’re FOR SURE putting Julia Roberts and Rodeo Girl on a two-on-one next week, right?

Alright, line up, dummies, it’s time to get rid of one of you.

Rose #1: Maple Syrup
Rose #2: Austin Nurse
Rose #3: Rodeo Girl
Rose #4: Julia Roberts

Which means we say goodbye to Someone Named Aly, who lasted much longer than I expected someone whose nickname begins with “Someone Named.” I haven’t done a proper study on this, but I feel like the “Someone Nameds” tend to go home by week three. So well done? I guess?

Here are the ladies who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Zach:

The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m and streams on Hulu.

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