‘The Bachelorette’: Final Fantasies

The Bachelorette
September 6, 2022

Last we left our heroines, Rachel had managed to go on Fantasy Suites dates with two of the three remaining men without too much drama; and Gabby had two Fantasy Suites dates with ALL of the drama: dumping one guy, Vanilla Ice, who had no business making it this far in the first place, and having a lovely date with another guy, Mullet, only to have him go and ruin it by being a jealous idiot.

Which is where we begin this episode: with Mullet instantly regretting his decision to tell her how the idea of her sleeping with the other guy grosses him out. He immediately realizes he done fucked up.

But after walking away from the conversation, Gabby does return to Mullet and hugs him. He apologizes for ruining the moment and insists that he is in love with her and terrified of losing her. Gabby kisses him goodnight, but the damage is done.

The next morning, Gabby goes to Jesse Palmer to talk it out, and honestly, this is one of those conversations where it would have been helpful to have a former Bachelorette — or two — to bounce her feelings off of.


Gabby talks out what happened, and Jesse Palmer says meaningless things like, “You did not expect it,” and “I’m sorry that happened,” and “I’m around if you need me.”


Fantasy Suite #5: Gabby and Motherboy

But Gabby is determined to make this thing work and heads into her final Fantasy Suite date with Motherboy blissfully unaware that he has absolutely no intention to propose to her at the end of this.

Gabby, bless her, burbles about how she’s falling in love with Motherboy, and that she hopes tonight goes well and that they move one step closer to an engagement, adding that she doesn’t question his intentions.

Meanwhile, Motherboy is out here talking about how he’s “here for Gabby” and that he has “an amazing time” with her and they “get each other on a deeper level” but that there is no way in hell he’s getting engaged.

But he’s ready to go on this date, dammit, and keep this going for as long as he can. The two meet for some tennis, which Motherboy played in college, and they seem to have a genuinely good time together. Gabby is hilarious; Motherboy is relaxed and happily doing something that he feels comfortable with and makes him look good. Overall, it’s a fun, easy date that ends with some champagne in the pool.

And let me just pause for a minute and note that while Gabby and Motherboy are frolicking in the pool, they cut to Mullet moping on his balcony, and superimpose the audio of Gabby and Motherboy to make it look like he can overhear them on their date. I am 99.999% certain this is editing fuckery and you should not be out here feeling sorry for Mullet.

That evening, Gabby hopes they can dive more into their feelings because, as she says, she’s “falling in love with him” and “he really is everything [she] wanted.”


Meanwhile, this dingdong is out here in an interview saying that he intends to tell her that he does not want to get engaged at the end of this and that he hopes she takes it well.


Motherboy opens by saying that that day’s date was the first one that felt totally normal and he felt fully present at, not thinking about “everything going on.” And by “everything going on,” he means the fact that he’s being filmed for a television show, just keep that in mind. He then shifts gears, explaining that the experience has been challenging in many ways, and if he’s being fully transparent with her, he just is not going to be ready for an engagement at the end of this.

Motherboy goes on to explain that in “this environment” — again, on a TV show — he’s constantly in his head about what is real versus what is not, and he’s questioning everything. He just knows that he will not be ready to propose in seven days, “something in his heart” doesn’t feel right.

Gabby’s face throughout this conversation:

Motherboy keeps digging: he doesn’t feel like she knows who he is; he doesn’t feel like he knows who she is; it’s hard to see them in a relationship outside of this bubble; he can’t feel at ease with all of these cameras and microphones and the whole business.

AND HERE’S THE THING: I do not think Motherboy is wrong to feel this way, and I don’t even blame him for going onto a reality show, only to realize that he’s not reality show material! If you have no experience with being followed around by cameras and teams of producers, how would you know for sure one way or another how it would make you feel?

THAT ALL SAID: One week before proposals is not the time to announce you’re not ready for a proposal. This man knew this about himself during Hometowns — that was the time to have this conversation, not now.

Gabby leaves the table and walks off into the jungle to have a good sob: she’s waited so long to hear how he was feeling and this is what she gets? THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE TO HAVE KNOWN BEFORE NOW.

Motherboy eventually goes and checks on her, claiming that he doesn’t want to walk away from this. In fact, he was ready to go home a number of times, but he stayed because of her. He goes on to tell her that he feels a connection to her and that he thinks they have something that they could possibly build on. This is enough of a sliver of hope for Gabby that she decides that if they can talk it out without the cameras breathing down their necks, they’ll be able to better understand each other.

And with that, she invites him to the Fantasy Suite.

The next morning, Gabby is alone, and explains that she has woken up “hurt and devastated.” Apparently, they spent the night talking in circles, and when she finally was like, “maybe this isn’t meant to be,” his response was “yeah, definitely.”

So, yeah, that was the end of that conversation and relationship.

But because it all took place behind closed doors, the sociopaths who run this show make poor Gabby go back to Motherboy’s room to replay the breakup for the cameras.

He welcomes her inside, looking weary and done, and she opens by saying that her mind is spinning, wondering what they’ve been doing all these weeks. She thought if he was sticking around, that it meant he could see this relationship going somewhere, and then last night he was questioning if any of this was real and saying that he can’t see a relationship with her in the outside world.

“Uh, yeah,” is his big response.

Motherboy apologizes to Gabby and tells her that she’s “an amazing person” but Gabby orders him to save his apologies. Telling her that she’s “amazing” doesn’t lessen the blow. She then ends the conversation by saying she felt led on by him and leaves.

Adios, asshole.

On her way out, Gabby begins crying that she’s tried so hard to not be reckless with other people, but he was reckless with her. He never loved her, she cries, SO WHAT WERE WE DOING? Gabby then laments that Vanilla Ice didn’t want her, Motherboy didn’t want her … what if Mullet also decides he doesn’t want her? Is she too broken to love? What if her person isn’t here?

~stage whisper~ FOR YOUR SAKE, I HOPE HE ISN’T, GABBY.

Fantasy Suite #6: Rachel and Goose

Rachel and Goose have the traditional “Walking Around a Foreign Town Trying on Hats” date. While they do a tequila tasting, they discuss his hometown date and how well it went. It went very well! They go shopping and try on said hats; they eat crickets; they dance awkwardly to a mariachi band; and they have their tarot cards read. The tarot card reader tells Rachel that she needs to let go of her past and embrace her positive future. Rachel nods knowingly.

That evening, Goose is happily burbling about how Rachel is the one and he’s gonna propose and that he LOVES this woman. After a toast to the mariachis (and never dancing to mariachis ever again), Rachel brings up the tarot card reading. She tells him that the reading brought back up all the Clayton bullshit, and how this was the week where he blindsided her. She’s trying hard to remember that this is a new journey and that Goose represents the future. Rachel tells Goose that he makes her feel safe and she is glad he’s there because she does see a future with him.


Goose, thrilled to hear all of this, tells her that he loves her again, and she offers him the Fantasy Suite date card. He accepts and looks forward to being even more in love with the Future Mrs. Goose in the morning.

Except … yeah … that doesn’t happen.

Instead, as Goose and Rachel munch on fresh fruit while wondering if they are supposed to squeeze the lime on the fruit …

They awkwardly talk about how they discussed “a lot of things” the night before, and Rachel says that it was a “tough” conversation, but that he “handled it well” and she hopes it helped him “gain clarity.”

As he leaves the Suite, Goose explains that he woke up confused. The night before, they had those big conversations about religion and politics and all those important things that every other Bachelor and Bachelorette seem to neglect to discuss until after they have been engaged for six months. But then somewhere along the line, Rachel began talking about how she’s afraid that he’s not ready for the commitment of marriage at his young age.


Goose goes on to say that she was trying to make him second guess his feelings and that her concern came out of nowhere. It was bullshit, if he’s being honest.

Goose heads straight to Jesse Palmer’s room, and tearfully tells him that he feels “completely lost.” Everything with Rachel up to last night had been easy and fun, but then she pulled a 180, and the minute the cameras were gone, she seemed “very inauthentic.” Goose is understandably blindsided by the age difference nonsense and feels like he’s been gut-punched. Jesse Palmer is just as useless to Goose as he is to Gabby, offering an apology before asking Goose how he will recover from this. “I DON’T KNOW, JESSE PALMER. THAT’S KINDA THE POINT.”

Anyway, Goose’s plan at this point is to try to talk to Rachel before the rose ceremony. I’m sure that will go well.

Speaking of the Rose Ceremony, it’s time. Rachel’s men get dressed, all the while Junior and Bob the Builder talk about how they are in love with her, and ready to start a family with her.

Goose, meanwhile, talks about how nauseated he is.

The men arrive and take their places in the sweatbox where the Rose Ceremony is being held. When Rachel finally arrives, Jesse Palmer informs her that Gabby will not be joining her: today will be all about her and her relationships.

And is it shitty of me to point out that she doesn’t look disappointed? Because she doesn’t look particularly disappointed. It’s almost like she wanted to be the only Bachelorette this entire time. Or something.

Anyway. Rachel heads into the sweatbox, where she greets the men and thanks them for a “wonderful week.” But before she can hand out the first rose, Goose interrupts her to ask if he can speak with her, and she agrees.

As for Gabby, she puts on her Rose Ceremony outfit and heads to Mullet’s room. He’s surprised to see her — and clearly nervous about what she’s about to say — but invites her inside. There, Gabby tells him that this week has been difficult, but that she’s learned a lot about herself in the process. She notes that she and Mullet miscommunicated, and she became so upset with him because it felt like he didn’t trust what they have. So going into her final date with Motherboy, she was looking for clarity: Motherboy is a very private person, and she knew she would need that time alone with him to figure things out.

Long story short: Mullet’s her guy, he treats her the way she deserves to be treated, he makes her feel safe and loved. (And he’s the only one left.)

There’s much kissing and rolling around on the hotel sofa, and Gabby declaring that Mullet is the “love of [her] life,” and there’s no point in having a rose ceremony.

Happily ever after! Right? RIGHT?

We return to the Rose Ceremony as Rachel and Goose go outside, but we are left just as clueless as Junior and Bob the Builder as to what is going on, because suddenly we cut away to a darkened Bachelor studio where Jesse Palmer is telling us that 1. shit’s about to go down and 2. we’re going to have to wait until next week for “the most shocking finale of all time.”


What I can share with you is that Goose is probably not getting one of Rachel’s roses, as if you didn’t guess that already:

The Men Who Are Soon Going to be Dumped by Gabby:

The Men Who Are Soon Going to be Dumped by Rachel:

The Men Who Have Been Dumped by Gabby:

The Men Who Have Been Dumped by Rachel:

The Men Who Have Been Dumped by Gabby and Rachel:

The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Tuesdays at 7/8 p.m.

Leave a Reply