‘The Bachelorette’: No, I’m Asking You: How’s This Going to Work?

by Therese Odell, posted in the bachelorette: season 19

The Bachelorette
July 11, 2022

A little Bachelorette history for those of you who have only recently started watching this train wreck. While this is being billed as the first season with two Bachelorettes, that’s not technically true. Back in season 11 (we are now in season 19, heaven help us), the producers thought it would be funny to pit two Bachelorettes — Kaitlyn and Britt — against each other, allowing the men to choose on the first night which Bachelorette they wanted to date. The men chose Kaitlyn, but the whole setting-two-women-against-each-other-for-the-approval-of-men thing, it felt icky. Never mind that’s the entire premise of The Bachelor, people were mad.

As a result, when the producers announced this season that there were going to be two Bachelorettes, Gabby and Rachel, they also insisted that they would not be competing against each other, because, of course, The Bachelorette has become a model of feminism in the intervening eight years.

However, The Bachelorette producers were also not at all forthcoming on how they were going to structure this season, much less how they were going to prevent it from devolving into a catfight. What happens if the women fall for the same guys? What if the men were overwhelmingly attracted to one woman over another? How were they going to guarantee that the power remained in the women’s hands and that the men wouldn’t play them against each other? What happens if a man can’t choose between the two of them and we find ourselves in a Clayton, Part 2: Electric Boogaloo situation? What, exactly, is the producers’ plan here and why won’t they share it?

It turns out they haven’t told us how any of this is going to work because the producers themselves have NO IDEA. The number of times someone, including our host Jesse Palmer, asks “How is this going to work” in this episode is alarmingly high. WHY ARE YOU ASKING US, MAN? Y’ALL ARE THE ONES WHO ARE SUPPOSED TO BE PRODUCING THIS THING. SO PRODUCE IT!

This is a long way to go to say, DRINKING GAME ALERT! Every time someone asks “How is this going to work?” take a sip of your adult beverage, and be sure to remember to pray for your liver.

As for this season, we don’t engage in a lot of pre-show chitchat this time around. No time for that. Instead, they quickly remind us that they chose two Bachelorettes this season, Gabby and Rachel, both of whom were dumped simultaneously by toothy idiot Clayton in the worst season of The Bachelor ever (which is truly saying something).

And after a quick reminder that Gabby, in particular, suffers no fools …

… we move on to footage of the ladies picking up the pieces and moving on. Gabby packs up her stuff in Colorado Springs, and says goodbye to her dog, while Rachel supposedly flies herself from Florida to California in a tiny plane. This seems improbable.

Both of these sequences, by the way, needed 100% more Grandpa and Big Tony.

The women are reunited, and after a quick, awkward chest bump, they are on their way to the Bachelor McMansion. How this is going to work is literally anyone’s guess, as host (for no good Goddamned reason) Jesse Palmer asks for the tenth time in ten minutes.

BUT SERIOUSLY, IF WE’RE DOING TWO BACHELORETTES THIS SEASON, WHY DON’T WE HAVE TWO HOSTS?

Still mad.

Gabby and Rachel discuss what they’re looking for (Rachel: tall and athletic; Gabby: someone who CAN MAKE A FUCKING DECISION. CLAYTON.), and they worry that some of the men might try to play them off of each other. Gabby has no doubt it will happen and — in just the first ten minutes of this season — says something truly iconic, not only for this season, but for this entire franchise:

A Bachelorette for the ages. Embroider this on a pillow. Translate it into Latin and make it the official Bachelorette motto.

NON CREDO HOMINES.

Then, instead of the traditional “Montage of the Only Contestants Whose Names You Really Need to Pay Attention to,” we just get two-second glimpses of a bunch of the contestants yelling “WOOO!” into the camera before moving on to Gabby and Rachel arriving at the McMansion. Well, now how am I supposed to know who to care about? WHY AREN’T THE PRODUCERS DOING THEIR DAMN JOBS? THIS ISN’T BRAIN SURGERY, GUYS.

Jesse Palmer again reminds us that they have no fucking clue how this is going to work as Gabby and Rachel emerge from the limos. The ladies burble about how happy they are to be doing this together, and do a fairly convincing job that they really are excited about this dual Bachelorette scheme and aren’t, in fact, irritated that they don’t have their own season or worried that the producers are going to pit them against each other. Because they are definitely going to pit them against each other.

The first limo arrives:

Zach (25, Tech Executive, Anaheim Hills, CA): Zach makes some generic noises about how beautiful they are and how lucky he is to be there. It’s completely unmemorable. However, in his bio, he brags about being able to do the “Top Gun high-five,” so his nickname is now “Goose.”

Jason (30, Investment Banker, Santa Monica, CA): Jason here decides that a solid idea is to introduce himself by saying that he’s in love with three women: his mother, his sister, and his dog, and that it’s not the ickiest thing a grown man could possibly say.

Aven (28, Sales Executive, San Diego, CA): Aven promises Gabby that he’ll make her grandfather proud, and to Rachel that he doesn’t want to be on Big Tony’s bad side.

(I actually don’t — he’s very handsome and there are no red flags on his bio, so.)

Jordan H. (25, Software Developer, Tampa, FL): Jordan’s schtick is that he brings noise-canceling headphones with him. While Gabby wears the headphones, he informs Rachel that they only live an hour apart, so if they end up together, she’ll be close to family; and while Rachel wears the headphones, he tells Gabby that she’s the all-star nurse he’s needed his whole life. Great job looking up their bios, dude.

Michael (32, Pharmaceutical Salesman, Long Beach, CA): He tells them he thinks they are both wonderful women and he feels fortunate to be on this journey. This is again perfectly unmemorable, so we’ll turn to his bio, note that he’s a huge Harry Potter fan, and decide he’s going to be “Muggle” from here on out.

Chris (30, Mentality Coach, Redondo Beach, CA): Chris welcomes them to a night they’ll never forget. I won’t forget that he claims to be a “mentality coach” which sounds a lot like “professional bullshit artist” to me, but maybe I just need to get my mentality coached.

Mario (31, Personal Trainer, Naperville, IL): Mario comes out dancing and is giving off some fun energy. I will add that my note on his bio is that “he seems like a keeper,” so we’ll see.

Who is not a keeper, however, is the man who says inside the house that “having two females is interesting.” The producers wiselot show who said this as he is saying it, possibly for his own personal safety.

Ethan (27, Advertising Executive, New York, NY): He comes out of the limo juggling, and making a bad pun about being “quite the catch.” He’s an Entourage fan, so until another name is provided, he shall be known as “Turtle.”

Kirk (29, College Football Coach, Lubbock, TX): Kirk comes out delivering a football pep speech, and Coach Taylor needs to bring it down a smidge.

In the second limo:

Logan (26, Videographer, San Diego, CA): Logan shows up carrying two baby chicks, and claims that when he heard there was going to be two Bachelorettes, he figured he should practice hanging out with “two cute chicks.” (Their names are Marybeth and Alejandra, by the way.) (There is also a “two birds with one stone,” or  “a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush” joke to be made here, but I’m too tired to figure it out right now.)

Quincey (25, Life Coach, Miami, FL): Quincey leads with the fact that he hasn’t had sex in a year and a half. The fact that he mentioned in his bio that he watches Space Jam on repeat, loves “high-vibration” music, and claims to be a 25-year-old life coach goes a long way towards explaining this dry spell.

Hayden (29, Leisure Executive, Tampa, FL): Southern Grocery Joe here …

… makes a joke about how his name may sound like “Clayton” but he’ll “be thinking with this head” ~points to head~ “instead of this one” ~points to crotch~

Gabby politely laughs but notes that she didn’t actually appreciate the mention of Clayton. It’s not about him, it’s about them, and she doesn’t want to think about him tonight.

Cue the onslaught of Clayton jokes.

Ryan (36, Investment Director, Boston, MA): Ryan shows up wearing a clown wig and nose and says he knows what it looks like, but he’s not Clayton.

Johnny (25, Realtor, Palm Beach Gardens, FL): Johnny comes out of the limo with a terrible rap about how Clayton is a piece of shit.

Gabby and Rachel:

Alec (27, Wedding Photographer, Houston, TX): A quartet of children sing an acapella song about how Clayton sucks, and y’all, this song is so very long. It is straight-up terrible, but! it is also overly long and never fucking ends.

You are embarrassing our entire city, Alec.

James (25, Meatball Enthusiast, Winnetka, IL): First of all, and this shouldn’t have to be said, but “meatball enthusiast” is not a thing. In any event, James emerges from the limo with a 6-foot meatball sandwich, tells the women that his nickname is “Meatball” and then heads into the house without offering them so much as a bite. Rude.

Justin B. (32, Physical Therapist, Solana Beach, CA): He shows up barefoot. Absolutely not. But also, ALSO? Being barefoot is not a personality.

Brandan (23, Bartender, Carlsbad, CA): arrives in this weird blue pillowcase thing? Like, it’s the material of It’s Always Sunny‘s Green Man suit, but it’s not a form-fitting suit, and it’s blue and I have no idea what this is about, and I don’t think he does either.

Roby (33, Magician, Los Angeles, CA): He obviously opens with a magic trick. He neglects to mention that he is Leelee Sobieski‘s brother. Neither of these things are selling points.

John (26, English Teacher, Nashville, TN): This one calls Gabby “Rachel” and to his credit realizes his mistake almost immediately.

Tino (27, General Contractor, Playa Del Rey, CA): Tino arrives on a forklift just so that he could tell them they look “forking gorgeous.”

Jacob (27, Mortgage Broker, Scottsdale, AZ) This himbo rides up on a horse barechested and oiled up, and says that he knows this looks like the cover of a “romantic novel” but that he’s only here for a “happy ending.” Alright, settle down, Discount Fabio.

Tyler (25, Small Business Owner, Wildwood, NJ): Tyler is boring. I just watched his entrance again, and I’ve already forgotten it.

Colin (36, Sales Director, Chicago, IL): Colin makes a joke about his jacket being made of “husband material” and just radiates Dad Joke energy.

Joey & Justin (24, Twins, Brookfield, CT): Their entire identities are that they are twins. This is their entire selling point.

Termayne (28, Crypto Guy, Naperville, IL): Termayne arrives, does not introduce himself, and simply drops a microphone into Gabby’s hands. Get it? Do you get it? It’s a pretty complicated joke, so let me know if you need me to explain it to you.

Spencer (27, Venture Capitalist, Chicago, IL): This one arrives with two folding chairs for Gabby and Rachel noting that it’s been a long night and they might want to get off of their feet. SHUT IT DOWN, BOYS, WE FOUND THE WINNER. THEY BOTH CAN MARRY HIM, I DON’T CARE.

Matt (25, Shipping Executive, San Diego, CA): His opening line is that “two is better than one.” That’s it. That’s all he brings.

Nate (33, Electrical Engineer, Chicago, IL): Nate steals Gabby’s pillow bit, but this pillow has both of their faces on it, and he doesn’t go for the “sit on your face” punchline, thank God.

Jordan V. (27, Drag Racer, Alpharetta, GA): Jordan opens with the fact that he’s a race car driver and therefore is used to a “wild ride.” We’ll learn later that he brought his car with him — so why didn’t he arrive in it? Did the ABC lawyers finally say no to something?

Erich (29, Real Estate Analyst, Bedminster, NJ): Erich arrives with his tie undone, asking the women to help him with it. They do an inadequate job.

Jesse Palmer finally grants us sweet relief: we’ve met our final contestant, so now what? After a montage of every single person, including Gabby, Rachel, and Jesse asking, “So how’s this going to work?” and every single person shrugging in response, the ladies go inside and greet the men. Do about 25 shots of alcohol.

The ladies welcome the men, encourage them to be honest and vulnerable, and to trust them along the way before toasting the beginning of the season.

And then, because it hasn’t already been said 47 times in the past hour, Gabby wonders in an interview how, exactly, this is going to work.

WE GET IT, PRODUCERS: YOU DIDN’T DO YOUR JOBS. ENOUGH ALREADY.

The first man to make a move is GOB, who asks to speak to both women, and then proceeds to do another Goddamned card trick.

GOB first asks if they remember his name, and when Gabby repeats it correctly, he asks how she remembered it. Without missing a beat, Rachel replies, “magic!” Points to Rachel who is not usually the one quick with the jokes.

GOB then begins asking them questions about their experience on The Bachelor, and while he seems sincere, it’s also painfully awkward. Talking to both women at once is no way to get to know either of them, but that doesn’t stop the Twins from following GOB and trying it for themselves.

The Twins explain that while they are identical, they have their differences. For instance, Twin #1 is more laid back, and Twin #2 is bolder. Other than that, they have the same hobbies, went to the same school, and have the same job. Gabby and America announce that the “twins ain’t working for” her and she begins to mess with them, asking if they can read each other’s minds. Twin #2 claims that he could spot Twin #1 from across campus before asking them if they’ve ever experienced anything like that. “We weren’t in the womb together,” Gabby reminds this dumdum.

But also, Gabby is a 31-year-old woman and these children were only legally able to drink three years ago. Get the fuck outta here with these dumb babies.

Fortunately, everyone splits up and the women begin talking to the men individually. Rachel chats with Beats by Dre, who is clearly looking for her to praise his little gimmick, and Rachel pats him on the head and tells him that it was great. But was it, though? Was it really?

Meanwhile, Gabby is chatting with one of the other lantern-jawed men in the house, Clown Show, who is trying to teach her how to speak with a Boston accent. Using a whiteboard, he begins to write “Hello good …” when Gabby interrupts to tell him that he writes “like a five-year-old.”

This is why Gabby is the Bachelorette we have been waiting for.

Clown Show Bahston demands that she “chill” and attempts to continue with his lesson, explaining that when you want to greet someone on the street, you might say something like “Hello good sir, how are you today,” but Gabby interrupts him again to say flatly that no one says this. Gabby continues asking him if he lives in Boston in the 1800s, prompting Bahston to tell “Gabber” to shush … which ABSOLUTELY NOT. Straight to jail, sir.

However, Gabby laughs it off, and continues with his lesson, the big payoff being that in Bostonian, you would say, “Hey goy, how ah ya?” That’s it. That’s the entire punchline.

But Gabby seems to think they have a fun connection and he seems to be into her so what do I know.

Inside, the men discuss the possibility of falling in love with both of them.

Rachel visits with Southern Grocery Joe who gives her a hand-written card to mark her birthday that had happened a few weeks earlier. Rachel is impressed by this, mostly because it demonstrated that he is on the show for her. AND HER ONLY.

Meanwhile, inside by the fireplace, Discount Fabio proceeds to read to Gabby his “list of attributes” that he is looking for in a woman, though his greased nipples prove to be very distracting.

Gabby also bemoans the fact that there hasn’t been any kissing yet, but, like, you’ve talked to maybe five guys? Also, do you really want to me making out with the greasy dingdong whose list is basically, “No Fatties?”

The topic of kissing has also been planted in the men’s ears by the producers is being discussed among the men, some wondering what would happen if they kissed both women. But Coach Taylor isn’t having it, declaring that he needs to figure out which one he likes before he kisses either of them. And points to him for not being a manwhore, but considering he’s from Lubbock, I also wonder on a scale of 1-100 exactly how Baptist he is.

Rachel talks with Some Guy Named Aven who tells her he’s going to try his best to be vulnerable, but warns her it may take him a little longer. Some Guy Named Aven does not kiss Rachel.

Rachel then chats with Mario Andretti who shows her his race car (which, again he did not use as his entrance, for some reason), and they bond over engines and parachutes and horsepower. Mario Andretti does not kiss Rachel.

Gabby visits with Mario who asks her what they are looking for when they ask the men to be vulnerable. Gabby yammers something about how she took too long to open up and share her story with Clayton. She hopes the men to trust their guts and know what they have to offer and open up faster than she did.

Mario then goes in for a kiss and … y’all … it’s not great and people have feelings about it.

AND THEN, AS IF THAT IS NOT CRINGEY ENOUGH, AWKWARD KISS HERE TELLS GABBY THAT HE “looks forward to connect more with you over the course of several weeks.” LIKE HE’S ON A DAMN JOB INTERVIEW OR SOMETHING.

Meanwhile, Rachel is chatting with Bob the Builder, who leads her to a set of stairs, explaining that he wants to give her a better stair memory.

Better than this one.

They chat about him being a contractor for a minute before he asks if he can kiss her. Rachel consents, and it goes much better than Gabby and Awkward Kiss’. But then, that’s a low bar.

Gabby and Rachel touch base with each other and compare kissing notes. Gabby also warns Rachel about Discount Fabio, because they are in this together.

Around this same time, Jesse Palmer delivers the First Impression Roses, even though it appears that these women together have only spoken to a third of the men in the house. The men do the obligatory First Impression Rose freak out and, once again, discuss how the women are probably going to fall for the same guy, and how is that going to work?

ASK IT ONE MORE TIME. I DARE YOU.

Gabby chats with a very nervous Turtle, and she encourages him to drink more. Gabby: may I remind you that it is 4 a.m., and these guys have been pregaming since 6 p.m., and I have seen enough seasons of these shows to know you are playing a dangerous game.

Meanwhile, Rachel visits with Chick Magnet, who opens by asking her what her biggest fear is. They agree to say their biggest fear at the same time on the count of three:

Chick Magnet: Sharks

Rachel: Clowns

Me: Hearing “How is this going to work?” one more Goddamn time

Chick Magnet makes a joke about there being “a couple of clowns” in the entrances today, and Rachel eats it up with a spoon.

Chick Magnet also visits with Gabby, who asks where the chicks are, and he jokes that they had too much to drink and he had to call a cab for them. Logan has a different ice breaker for Gabby, asking if she’s the type of person who buys candy at the concession stand, or does she sneak snacks in her trenchcoat? Gabby laughs that she’s the type to smuggle in a whole sandwich, and Logan agrees, he’s the type to smuggle in corndogs.

Maybe I love Chick Magnet? Maybe I’m rooting for him and his dumb bird haircut?

Gabby then speaks with Mullet, who shows off his mullet, before complimenting her on how beautiful she is looking that night. Gabby laughs that she has fake hair and a fake tan, but he can’t tell because boys are dumb.

She invites him to pull her fake hair, jokingly screaming when he does so, because she’s the best. Somehow they get to the topic of chest hair, and Gabby informs Mullet that she hates groomed chest hair. Mullet admits to having shaved his chest hair once, before asking if she ever shaves hers, and without skipping a beat, Gabby says, “all the time.” Also without skipping a beat, Mullet asks if he can see. Their chemistry is through the roof, so it’s not surprising when they kiss, too.

Mullet then visits with Rachel, where he gives off REAL STRONG Nick “This Asshole Again” Viall vibes when he talks to her about where he lives in New York City. Despite saying that they had a “fantastic conversation,” they do not kiss.

Rachel grabs her First Impression Rose and unsurprisingly, gives it to Bob the Builder.

Men are disappoint.

But! everyone rationalizes, there’s still another rose, and Mullet, he’s preeeeeeety sure he’s going to claim Gabby’s.

EXCEPT. To everyone’s shock, Gabby offers her First Impression Rose to Awkward Kiss. I guess that kiss was better than it looked. It would have had to have been.

With that, Jesse Palmer alerts the rest of the men that it’s Rose Ceremony time, but Gabby and Rachel are like, “except we’ve only talked to like 8 guys total?” They ask Jesse Palmer if there’s a different way of doing things, and he’s like, “Shit, I don’t care. Do what you want. All I’ll say is that if there are some guys here who you are DEFINITELY not into, maybe get rid of them sooner rather than later.”

On that note, Gabby and Rachel go inside where the men are lined up for a rose ceremony, explain that they just didn’t get a chance to talk to (most) all of them, and then ask to speak to GOB and the Twins outside.

Outside, in the sharp 9 a.m. morning light, Gabby and Rachel tell the men that while they appreciate the men joining them, and thank them for their time. However, they just don’t think there is a connection, and they should go on ahead and get the fuck outta here.

Gabby and Rachel then return to the other men and explain that they sent the Twins and the magician home. They then add that they don’t feel like they had enough time to talk to all of them, and therefore there will be no rose ceremony tonight — all 29 of them will be moving forward to the next round of dates.

Cheers! Let’s toast this good fortune with empty champagne glasses because MY GOD NONE OF US CAN DRINK ANY MORE CHAMPAGNE AFTER HAVING BEEN DRINKING FOR THE PAST 12 HOURS STRAIGHT, JESUS.

 

The Men Who Have Been Dumped by Gabby and Rachel:

The Men Who Are Going to Soon Be Dumped by Gabby And Rachel:

The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Tuesdays at 7/8 p.m.

One thought on “‘The Bachelorette’: No, I’m Asking You: How’s This Going to Work?”

  1. Okay, Therese — first of all, I am SO GLAD you are back! As usual, I laughed out loud approximately 12 times while reading your recap. Please never stop! I know it’s painful!

    Also, my friend and I can’t believe you nicknamed Zach “Goose” FOR A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT REASON THAN WE DID. We think he looks just like Chris Randone from (?!) season and BIP (after which he married breathy-voiced Krystal). This guy’s self-imposed nickname, as you may remember, is GOOSE. What are the chances?

    Finally, just one more question – how is this all going to work?

    Reply

Leave a Reply