The Bachelorette — or should I say, The Bachelorettes — returns tonight, whether we like it or not. This season, as I’m sure you know by now, there will be two Bachelorettes dating simultaneously, and hopefully non-competitively. Gabby Windey and Rachel Recchia were two of Clayton Echard’s final three, both of whom he told he was in love with, before unceremoniously dumping them when this actual first choice agreed to be with him. Through the entire crisis, Gabby and Rachel supported each other, and attempted to help one another make sense of what was happening — which was no easy task because what was happening was so ridiculous and stupid.
Supposedly it’s this friendship that developed between the two (and not the fact that ABC was terrified of picking one of the women over the other and creating backlash among the friends), that inspired the decision to have two Bachelorettes date the same pool of men this season. I don’t know how it’s going to work, but the ABC producers have been talking out of both sides of their mouths in regards to how competitive the women will be, seeing as they are dating the same 32 men. They insist that the women “aren’t competing” one minute, while also teasing that they could fall in love with the same man the next. Who even knows — but considering Gabby and Rachel are doing media tours together, methinks they do not spend the season in a prolonged catfight.
Anyway. Here are the guys we will be spending the next nine or ten weeks with (and possibly more if they head down to Paradise).
Alec is a self-proclaimed “lover boy.” He’s charismatic, athletic, funny and, why lie, he loves to be the center of attention. Alec describes marriage as sacred and he isn’t interested in settling for anything less than his true soul mate. He is looking for a passionate woman who can match his drive for success and hustle alongside him to the very end. Alex is very much a go-getter and in order for love to go the distance, he needs someone on the same wavelength. He says that once he’s committed, he treats his partner like royalty. Alec, let us introduce you to two queens!
– Nothing makes Alec happier than a fresh haircut.
– Alec once worked as a DJ at a roller rink.
– If Alec could travel back in time, he would go to the 1800s and be an outlaw cowboy.
Did they accidentally pull his application from the FBoy Island pile?
San Diego, CA
Aven’s life is fueled by passion. Whether he’s slaying the sales game at work or hooping on the weekend, Aven puts his heart into everything he does. He tries to approach love with the same mentality but has yet to find his perfect match. Aven wants a woman who is loyal, honest and able to organically bring out his fun side. She should love to travel as much as he does and will value quality time together above all else. Aven wants to build a meaningful relationship that goes deeper than the surface and when he meets the right one, he is ready to put it all out there if it means finding his forever.
– Aven enjoys slow dancing.
– Aven allows himself to eat out only once a week.
– Aven is a Yahtzee champ and describes his game play as intense.
I don’t really have anything to say about Aven here, except for the eating out only once a week thing flips all of the MASOCHIST alarms. Listen, it’s fine if you have the self-control to only eat out once a week, but don’t come in here thinking that you’ll be putting that bullshit on me, thanks.
Brandan may be on the younger side, but he is emotionally mature beyond his years and is ready to find the one. A former college athlete, Brandan is no stranger to putting in the hard work in order to achieve success. He says he is an open book and once he finds the right woman, he is not afraid to put himself out there in the name of love. Brandan’s perfect match is thoughtful, independent and supportive. He describes himself as very adventurous, so he hopes to find someone who will say “yes” to whatever comes their way alongside him. One thing he is definitely ready to say “yes” to? A rose, of course! Ladies, the ball is in your court.
– Brandan is terrified of slugs.
– Brandan loves to go to the batting cages.
– Brandan loves Disneyland and goes every year on his birthday.
He’s a baby.
Redondo Beach, CA
Chris is an extremely driven person and has accomplished a lot in his life. Professionally, he knows what his goals are and exactly what he needs to do to accomplish them; but when it comes to love, the journey is just beginning. Chris is looking for someone ambitious, compassionate and secure. She should support Chris as he chases his goals but also work hard to accomplish the goals she has for herself. He needs a woman who will love him for the hard worker he is and not complain as the two of them work together toward greatness.
– Chris LOVES Mangos.
– Chris has written two books and says he is his own favorite author.
– When asked what Chris fears in life, he says, “I don’t choose fear.”
Chris is a whole fucking lot and Gabby and Rachel both need to run in the opposite direction.
Colin lives for the thrill of experience. Travel is his thing, and he hopes to find someone who wants to experience everything the world has to offer right alongside him. He says that his perfect woman is self-aware, courteous and fun. She should have a good head on her shoulders, appreciate romantic gestures and, of course, be up for adventure. Colin is not looking to be the passenger on someone else’s train and wants to find a connection that is truly a partnership. For Colin, life is all about creating long-lasting memories and, really, who could ask for anything more?!
– Colin would love to visit the International Space Station.
– People who chew with their mouth open make Colin cringe.
– Colin was the founding member of his high school’s breakdancing club.
Again, I struggle to find something to criticize here, except to wonder exactly how white his high school was for the breakdancing club to be founded 30 years too late?
Real Estate Analyst
Erich is a handsome guy whose quiet confidence is hard to ignore. He describes himself as low-key, funny, outdoorsy and a bit mysterious with a fun side. When it comes to relationships, Erich acts with intention and is looking for the real deal. He doesn’t want to be in a relationship just to be in a relationship and says that the next time he commits, it’s for the long haul. His perfect partner is easygoing, selfless and communicative; and while he says he doesn’t have a type, he often finds himself attracted to taller women. He loves doing the unexpected and finds joy in making someone feel special. Above all, Erich hopes to find his best friend and someone with whom he can spend a lifetime of quality time.
– Erich has no interest in going to an escape room.
– Erich likes his wine both red and white.
– Erich dreams of seeing the Northern Lights in person.
You know what? Full respect to Erich. And I say that as a woman who is 5’3″ on her tippy-toes.
New York, NY
Ethan is a hopeless romantic who isn’t afraid to wear his heart on his sleeve. He loves his life in New York City but is at the point in his life where going out until 4 a.m. is of no interest and would rather spend his time wining and dining a woman who is just as ready to settle down as he is. Ethan’s dream woman is genuine, family-oriented, comfortable in their own skin and, above all else, fun. He credits his mother with teaching him to value a woman’s love and that, thanks to her, he enjoys making a woman feel special and appreciated. Ethan is a big believer in signs and, thanks to a few well-timed coincidences, he feels like this is exactly where he’s meant to be. Will the stars be aligned as he makes his way out of the limo? Twinkle, twinkle Ethan!
– Ethan says he is the king of Monopoly.
– Ethan’s perfect breakfast is pancakes and hash browns, extra crispy.
– Watching “Entourage” cheers Ethan up when he is down.
Just turn around and get back into the limo, Ethan. You nearly had me there with all the respecting mommy thing, but no man who “values” women has Entourage as their go-to series.
With a bit of the accent and a lot of the charm, Hayden is proud of his southern roots. He tries not to take life so seriously and loves to golf, hit the beach and work his magic on the grill. He considers himself to be very romantic and enjoys planning extravagant dates to make his partner feel special. Hayden is looking for a thoughtful and trustworthy woman who appreciates him for the man he is, even on his worst days. She also MUST love dogs because Hayden and his good boy, Rambo, are a package deal. No one is getting a ring on their finger without Rambo’s approval, so let’s get this paw-ty started!
– Hayden loves baked potatoes.
– Hayden likes to end his day with a dip in the hot tub.
– Hayden loves country music and would thrive at Stagecoach.
I think we’ve found the guy they picked for Gabby.
Jacob knows exactly what he wants in a wife. He admits he’s picky, but since he’s looking for a love to last a lifetime, he doesn’t see that as a bad thing. Jacob’s ideal wife will turn heads with her looks wherever she goes and have beauty on the inside that matches. For Jacob, keeping his fitness routine in check is high on the priority list, so his ideal partner should want to maintain a healthy lifestyle and be able to have fun working up a sweat both in and out of the gym. Jacob is ready to let his guard down when he meets someone who checks all of his boxes.
– Jacob reads 30-40 books a year.
– Jacob loves to camp in national parks.
– Jacob doesn’t eat cake.
James is a charmer with dimples so cute that you can’t help but smile. He is ready to find someone to bring home to meet his loving big Italian family and says that he hopes to find someone that will care about him just as much as he cares about them. He is looking for a relationship with undeniable chemistry and wants to find his best friend with whom he can build an amazing life. He also wants six kids, so his future bride should be ready and excited for the nonstop thrill ride that is parenthood. For James, it’s all about family and bringing someone in to enhance his already wonderful life, and really, who could ask for anything more?
– James is a huge Lebron James fan.
– James loves to waterski.
– Nothing makes James happier than a plate of piping hot meatballs.
“He also wants six kids, so his future bride should be ready and excited to be a brood mare.”
Santa Monica, CA
Jason is a relationship kind of guy. He loves love and is ready to find a woman with whom to laugh and grow through life. He is never the loudest guy in the room, yet still somehow has an undeniable presence about him. He loves to surf, dance and play tennis. Jason is looking for a woman who is adventurous, trustworthy and down to enjoy a few drinks while the sun sets. He values authenticity and says that when he finds the one, the vibes will tell him all he needs to know. Gabby and Rachel, you hear that?? GOOD VIBES ONLY!
– Jason loves to tour historical homes.
– Jason hates Coca-Cola.
– Jason’s favorite pastime is stargazing.
I mean, I don’t know. Maybe it’s the Southerner in me, but I don’t trust anyone who hates Coke.
Also, don’t shout at me.
Joey is a loveable goofball. When he’s not out looking for love, he loves to hit the clubs in New York City for a night out with the boys or spend time at home unwinding from a hard day’s work with his identical twin brother, Justin. Joey is ready to be in a serious relationship and says he is looking for someone affectionate, family-oriented and sweet. She should be a good communicator and appreciate a good hug because, according to Joey, his are pretty great. At the end of the day, Joey is looking for someone to build a life with, so hope you’re ready ladies!
– Nothing makes Joey happier than winning.
– If Joey could, he would live off of cheeseburgers.
– Joey loves go-karting.
Twin is not a job.
John is a sweet and genuine man who will do anything for the people for whom he truly cares. Though he may come off as shy at first, once you get to know John, it’s hard to ignore the positivity that radiates from within him. John’s perfect woman is loving, honest and vocal about what she wants in her partner. She should want to keep life exciting but also be a shoulder to lean on when life throws the inevitable curveball. John says that when it comes to love, he is very intentional in every move he makes. And you may be wondering, what are his intentions with our Bachelorettes? He’s ready to put a ring on it!
– John enjoys dressing up so much that sometimes he puts on a suit to go grocery shopping.
– John would love to be the face of a big clothing brand.
– John loves Mexican food.
1. Absolutely not. Putting on a suit to go to the Piggly Wiggly is psychotic behavior.
2. He’s from Nashville, what the hell does he think he knows about Mexican food?
Palm Beach Gardens, FL
Johnny is a laid back, simple man who wants to find love just like the rest of us. When he isn’t hanging out with his huge, crazy, Italian family, he is surfing with his boys or taking advantage of any free time to plan his next travel adventure. Johnny’s perfect woman is intelligent, outgoing and athletic. She’ll also have good hygiene and love Barry White and Frank Sinatra as much as he does. Johnny is a sucker for a good smile and says he’ll do whatever it takes to make his partner light up. Johnny is a forward thinker and says he can’t be with anyone who is hung up on past relationships. He’s ready to start the next chapter of his life and now he just needs to find the right woman to stand by his side.
– Johnny’s childhood dream was to be a rapper.
– Johnny loves to make corny jokes.
– Johnny loves fishing.
He’s from Florida and from a big Italian family? Rachel should just send him her ring size.
Jordan H. is an adrenaline junkie who falls hard and fast. He loves to spend his free time racing dirt bikes and hopes to find a woman who wants to experience life’s greatest thrills by his side. Jordan H. has true intentions of finding love and, wait for it … is definitely here for the right reasons. His perfect match is mature, independent, exciting and ready to have a big family because Jordan H. wants a ton of kids. She should love spontaneity and be ready to get flowers on any random day of the week because that is Jordan H.’s favorite move. Lucky her, right?!
– Jordan H. is an amateur dirt bike racer.
– The Fourth of July is Jordan H.’s favorite holiday.
– Jordan H. loves Florida but hates Florida drivers.
Jordan H. is definitely not here for the right reasons.
Jordan V. has got the need, the need FOR SPEED! When this professional race car driver isn’t on the track going from 0 to 337mph in less than four seconds (yes, you read that right), he loves spending time with his nephews, relaxing on the lake and watching James Bond movies. Jordan V. is looking for someone who is sincere, passionate and supportive. And while he loves the hustle and bustle of his fun life, Jordan V. is very much looking to settle and start a family. This time next year, he’s hoping when he crosses the finish line, his future wife is there waiting for him. So, Jordan V., start your engine.
– Jordan V. loves sweet tea.
– Jordan V. says the most romantic gift you can give is a handwritten letter.
– Jordan V. describes his middle school haircut as the Justin Bieber.
Look, I’m sure Jordan V. is a nice enough guy but this is A LOT of male energy happening. And maybe that’s your thing? But it’s A LOT of male energy.
Justin Y. is the life of the party! He is a hardworking go-getter who enjoys clubbing in New York City’s hottest spots with his favorite wingman, his identical twin brother, Joey. Justin Y. describes himself as attentive and loyal and says that he is ready to settle down when he meets the right one. His perfect woman is honest, outgoing and family-oriented. Communication is everything to Justin Y. and long term, he could never be with someone who has issues opening up. Justin Y. is ready to find his forever and so, Gabby and Rachel, hope you’re in it to TWIN it!
– Justin Y. wants to learn how to salsa dance.
– Justin Y. loves the Lakers.
– If Justin Y. could live in any other decade, he would choose the early ’90s.
Other Twin is not a job.
Solana Beach, CA
Justin B. is a lover, not a fighter. He’s all about creating memories in life’s little moments and dreams of having a woman who will enjoy what the world has to offer by his side. He’s not just looking for his best friend but rather wants someone who can keep him excited as life naturally settles into calm. His dream woman is open-minded, fit and always striving to be the best version of herself. Justin B. is a glass half full kind of guy who is optimistic to his core. And, let me tell you, one thing he is really excited about is meeting Gabby and Rachel. Go get ’em, tiger!
– Coffee shops are Justin B.’s happy place.
– Justin B. loves the smell of jasmine.
– Justin B. dreams of traveling the U.S. in a van.
College Football Coach
Kirk is a successful football coach who is ready to find love that will go the distance. During the season, he works seven days a week and wants a partner that understands how demanding his work schedule is and will happily hold down the fort while he’s away. That being said, he’s looking for an independent woman and someone who will be his teammate through the hardest of times. Kirk loves being the fun uncle to his brother’s kids, but if it’s true love that he finds with either Gabby or Rachel, he is ready to go for the W and put a ring on it to start a family of his own. TOUCHDOWN!
– Kirk loves golf but isn’t very good at it.
– Kirk never wears white while eating spaghetti.
– Kirk would love to visit Santorini one day.
How is this a “fun fact” and not an “obvious fact”? “Kirk never takes baths with plugged-in toasters.” “Kirk never drives blindfolded.” “Kirk never tapes raw chicken to his body before lying down in the tiger cage at the zoo.”
San Diego, CA
Logan is a California beach boy who loves the sun, surf and the idea of finding someone to share them both with for the rest of time. While he loves to hang with his boys, he’s ready to trade in bachelorhood and find someone to grow with in a meaningful way. Logan is witty, self-aware and goofy. He is very into self-growth and wants to find someone who is just as much of a free spirit as he is. His ideal woman is artsy, low maintenance and down to cuddle by a bonfire under the stars. Logan is looking for a deep connection with strong chemistry, so we can’t wait to see if sparks fly when he meets our Bachelorettes!
– Logan’s lifelong crush is Elaine from “Seinfeld.”
– Logan isn’t afraid to skinny dip.
– Logan loves corn dogs.
Someone marry Logan. This is the one.
Mario is a ball of energy with a smile that lights up the room! When it comes to love, Mario says he is emotionally available and proudly wears his heart on his sleeve. He has done the self-work and is ready to be vulnerable, settle down and start a family (of future basketball players). For Mario, fitness is a way of life and, even if he wasn’t getting paid, he’d still be out there working hard for his clients. Above all, Mario just wants to make his mother proud. He is looking for a woman in tune with her emotions and someone to share a good meal and conversation with; sounds like you’ve come to the right place, Mario!
– Mario is a Tetris superstar.
– Mario loves tulips.
– Mario likes to end his day by listening to ’90s R&B.
Again, Mario seems like a keeper.
San Diego, CA
Matt is a successful young man who owns his own business and has admittedly prioritized work over his romantic relationships in the past. But now that Matt has built his empire, he’s ready to find a woman to share it with! Matt is sincere about finding love and he’s looking for a woman who is ambitious and loyal. He loves to make a woman laugh and wants to experience new things with his partner. For Matt, vibes are everything, and we can’t wait to see if he vibes with Gabby or Rachel!
– Matt has a pet Betta fish named Tony.
– Matt would rather vibe than dance to good music.
– Matt dreams of buying his mom a home wherever she wants.
Nope. Red flag. No 25-year-old has “an empire.” And if they do, that’s an even bigger red flag.
Long Beach, CA
Michael might be reserved at first, but once he opens up, he is thoughtful and attentive with the foundation of a great husband. He does not consider himself a conventional romantic and leads with logic over emotion, but his biggest ally when it comes to love is his own intuition, “when you know, you know.” His mom is the driving force in his life and the reason he works so hard is to take care of his family. Michael is looking for a woman who is not afraid to get out of her comfort zone and try new things alongside him, a woman who is a go-getter. He is excited to meet a memorable woman, and, good news for Michael, he’s about to meet two!
– Michael says that parents love him.
– Michael is not afraid to admit that he is a bad cook.
– Michael loves Harry Potter and wants to visit his Wizarding World.
While you probably think I’m going to make fun of him for being a 32-year-old man who loves Harry Potter, my real problem with this statement is that he’s a 32-year-old man who wants to go to Wizarding World and hasn’t just … gone. You can get on a plane and go visit it, Michael.
Also, has anyone else noticed just how much Mommy talk there is with this batch of contestants? (I’ve italicized every reference and there is a lot.) Is this deliberate? Where are we going with this?
This handsome Chicago native is the full package! Humble and hardworking, Nate tries to always live life to the fullest! He is determined to take chances and is finally taking the time to focus on finding true love. Nate is looking for a woman who is kind, adventurous, smart and ready to complete his beautiful family. He also has a weakness for a woman who can make him laugh so hard his belly hurts. Nate loves to do thoughtful things for the woman he loves and, as an example, he says he plans amazing picnics! Cheese and crackers with a handsome guy like Nate? Sounds like the perfect one-on-one to us!
– Nate’s favorite movie is “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.”
– Nate enjoys an occasional gas station Icee.
– Nate doesn’t do mosh pits.
He should date Claire from Clayton’s season. But also, how are there this many people wandering around this planet whose favorite movie is How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days?
Quincey’s energy is unmatched, and he has a unique gift to uplift the people around him with both laughter and wisdom. Quincey fulfilled his lifelong dream of becoming his own boss and even travels around the country giving motivational talks. To Quincey, genuine connection is everything in a relationship and he believes in treating women as strong, beautiful queens who deserve romance! Quincey, you’re in luck; Rachel and Gabby are ready to be romanced!
– Quincey loves high-vibration music.
– Quincey admits he is a bad texter.
– Quincey could watch “Space Jam” on repeat and never get bored.
First of all, how is a 25-year-old out here traveling the country to give motivational speeches? But second of all, “high-vibration music” and Space Jam? Get the fuck out of here.
Los Angeles, CA
Roby is an impressive and accomplished magician who has stories of unconventional life experiences no one would believe. Having grown up traveling across the globe, he’s a man of the world who can tell you anything in French. He’s smart, well-read and an expert conversationalist. But, ultimately, he hasn’t found that special someone with whom to spend the rest of his life. When he’s in a relationship, he’s fully in it and loves hard. He’s hoping Gabby and Rachel like magic because he’s got some major tricks up his sleeve.
– Roby is an advanced scuba diver.
– Roby went all through elementary and high school only learning in French.
– Roby wants to live in a home with secret rooms and hidden tunnels in it.
Ryan is ready to settle down and get wife’d up! He falls hard and fast and describes himself as a hopeless romantic who knows true love will find him soon. But make no mistake, Ryan isn’t going to settle just to settle! He wants the kind of love that is a “24/7 head over heels, best friend, roll on the floor laughing, make out in the rain type of relationship.” He wants a Nicholas Sparks type of relationship and is willing to put in the work to bring his love story to life! Will this journey be “A Walk to Remember”? Or will Ryan have to wait a little bit longer for his storybook ending.
– Ryan is a proud Botox enthusiast.
– Ryan hopes to open his own dog rescue and shelter someday.
– Ryan LOVES pineapple.
Spencer is a man of service who is committed to finding something significant. He says that he doesn’t consider himself a textbook romantic because he doesn’t like to idealize things, but please don’t hold that against him because he promises he is a great partner who finds thoughtful ways to make his significant other feel special. Spencer’s ideal woman is active, outdoorsy and adventurous. She also must have a great sense of humor and a great laugh to match. Spencer says he is not your stereotypical “let’s grab a drink” kind of guy, so hope Gabby and Rachel are ready for the fun that he is ready to serve.
– Nothing makes Spencer happier than seeing the Detroit Lions win.
– Spencer gets a lot of compliments on his eyebrows.
– Spencer thinks EDM is ridiculous.
I’m going to be honest, Spencer lost me there for a second, but then he brought me back around again.
Termayne is an energetic guy with a big personality. He is a self-made entrepreneur who is not afraid to be bold and say what’s on his mind. Termayne is looking for a loyal woman who will love him for the hustler and hard worker that he is. She will be intelligent, respectful and funny because nothing turns him on more than a woman who can take a joke. And bonus points to anyone who can talk crypto with him. The second a woman says “NFT,” it’s game over.
– Termayne loves double dates.
– Termayne would love to snuggle with a baby cheetah.
– Termayne doesn’t like sweets.
CRYPTO GUY IS NOT A JOB.
Playa Del Rey, CA
Tino is a go-with-the-flow kind of guy. He loves spending time with his family and friends; and if he’s not surfing, he’s cycling, camping or loving on his family dog as much as he possibly can. Tino is very involved in giving back to his community and wants to find someone who will work to make the world a better place alongside him. He wants a meaningful connection that will set the groundwork for him and his future wife to be great parents because, for Tino, family is everything; AND he wants four kids. He’s ready to put everything he’s got into building something real with Gabby or Rachel, and we think the two of them deserve nothing less.
– Tino enjoys reading the Wall Street Journal.
– Tino says 90% of what he eats is meat.
– Tino dreams of surfing in Bali.
God dammit, Tino, eat a vegetable. You’re killing the planet.
Small Business Owner
Tyler is an Italian stallion looking for the love of his life! He isn’t afraid to be over the top and says that he wants the kind of connection that is so profound, others will say that it’s the kind of love you only see in movies. Tyler’s dream woman is fun, reliable, open-minded and ready to come home and meet his wonderful and loving family. He wants to find someone who will be vulnerable with him and open about what’s on her mind; no surprises please. If the connection is there, Tyler is the kind of guy who will give it his all. He’s ready to go big, so we hope that doesn’t send him home!
– Tyler dreams of visiting every park in the MLB.
– Tyler likes country music that he can dance to.
– Tyler is not a good multitasker.
This is the third Italian in the mix. Rachel, they clearly have tagged these guys for you.
Anaheim Hills, CA
Zach is an old-fashioned romantic. He loves his mama, his dogs and football but promises he has more love to go around! He’s charismatic, personable and has a huge heart that he is so ready to share forever with the right woman. Zach’s perfect woman is compassionate, kind and ready for romance because Zach is excited to lay it on thick. He loves to plan thoughtful surprises, and nothing makes him happier than seeing the look of excitement on his partner’s face when his meaningful gifts are appreciated. Zach is serious about finding a love that will lead to marriage, so whatever grand romantic gesture it takes for him to get there, he’s ready to go!
– Zach would love to be Spiderman for a day.
– Zach doesn’t like breakfast. Eggs don’t agree with him.
– Zach loves beach volleyball and is a master of the “Top Gun” high-five.
This is gayer than Colton Underwood.
So these are our guys: just a bunch of Italians with mommy issues — which, you know … when I think about it … totally checks out. I’m going to go mainline some box wine. I’ll see you on the other side.
The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Tuesdays at 7/8 p.m.C