I don’t know what to tell you about our new Bachelor, Clayton Echard. He’s beefy? He has many teeth? Maybe too many teeth? He once played the football but no longer plays the football? We don’t really know much about Clayton because for whatever Goddamned reason, the producers picked him to be the Bachelor even though he was eliminated in week six, had one (1) one-on-one date with Michelle, and said approximately 15 words all season long. Who even knows, man.
What we do know are the names of the women who want to date this muscly mystery despite him being a completely empty vessel. Let’s meet them before they come spilling out of the limos and back into the McMansion.
Executive Assistant
Los Angeles, California
Cassidy is a bold, blunt woman who isn’t afraid to say how she feels or do what she wants. She spent her twenties experiencing life to the fullest and, through her past experiences, has figured out what she’s truly looking for. She is driven, confident and looking for a partner who can keep up with her fast-paced lifestyle. She wants someone attracted to her independence, a teammate who wants to create a home, and someone who can match her adventurous nature. Fueled by hope, Cassidy loves to take chances and will try anything once. Will Cassidy and Clayton have the adventure of a lifetime?
Fun Facts:
• Cassidy doesn’t like clubs because she hates waiting in lines.
• Cassidy has a matching tattoo with her mom.
• Cassidy is a pro at driving stick shift.
Before we begin this little exercise, let me make clear that I don’t know any of these women and I’m just going to be casting wild judgments about them based on one paragraph and a few bullet points. That said, what I do know having lived on this planet for 40mumble years is that there are a few words that some people use to describe themselves in an attempt to disguise their assholishness as “honesty” or “having a sense of humor.” These words include but are not limited to: “sarcastic,” “brutally honest,” “blunt,” “bold,” “intimidating,” “big personality,” “unapologetic.”
I’m not saying Cassidy is an asshole, but Cassidy seems to be warning all of us that she is an asshole. An impatient asshole, who is probably too close to her mother.
Spray Tanner
Virginia Beach, Virginia
Claire is a charming, outgoing and unapologetic woman with a big personality. She grew up quickly as a single mother but credits her son as her greatest achievement. Claire is ready to take a chance on finding love again without the distractions of life and work. She is looking for her soul mate – someone who is supportive and doesn’t hold her back. At home, you can find Claire at girls’ night singing along to country music, trying out a new restaurant or enjoying a bonfire. She’s also hoping for more babies in the future!
Fun Facts:
• People who don’t wear deodorant make Claire angry.
• Claire loves ranch dressing with her buffalo wings.
• “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” is one of Claire’s favorite movies.
See above.
Unrelated: I worked on the book that How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days is based on. It’s a cartoon book of stick figures, true story:
Law Student
Baldwin, New York
Move over Elle Woods because Daria is coming for the throne! Daria is a woman of many accomplishments including admission to seven Ivy League schools and a Harvard degree. Additionally, she is now in her third year at Yale Law School. She’s a studious woman, but don’t get the wrong idea because Daria also loves to be social and have fun. She’s looking for someone who won’t be intimidated by her accolades and loves when a man can make her laugh so hard that her stomach hurts. Speaking of her stomach, Daria says she’ll know it’s love when she can feel the butterflies in her tummy. Daria is very active, loves to dance and dreams of being an advocate for woman’s rights in the future. She loves falling in love and we can’t wait to see her love story with Clayton unfold.
Fun Facts:
• Daria idolizes Amal Clooney because she is truly an ally for women.
• Daria hates sushi.
• Daria wants to write a children’s book one day.
There is a universal truth about Harvard students: if they went to Harvard, you’re going to hear about it. There’s nothing wrong with being proud that you went to Harvard. It’s an impressive accomplishment! But you’ll notice that you almost never hear about where any of the other contestants went to college.
Real Estate Advisor
Highlands Ranch, Colorado
For Elizabeth, life is about experiences and living life to the fullest, so she needs a man who won’t dull her light in any way. Elizabeth loves wine tasting, travel and self-admittedly has a taste for the finer things in life, so she wants a man who will keep life fun and be boujee by her side. She’s very invested in her career and wants a man who appreciates her professional tenacity and grit while also having those same characteristics himself. When Elizabeth is really into someone, she gets the giggles; and Clayton, look out because she is ready to laugh!
Fun Facts:
• Elizabeth speaks a dozen languages.
• Elizabeth says petting cute dogs makes her happy.
• Tattoos are not Elizabeth’s thing.
1. That’s not how you spell “bougie.”
2.
Sales Manager
Burbank, California
Ency doesn’t discriminate when it comes to love languages – she speaks them all fluently! A true romantic at heart, Ency is ready to take a break from focusing on her career so she can focus on finding love and putting herself out there. She is looking for a tall man with a nice smile and an equally nice family. He should always be striving to grow both personally and professionally, and want the same of Ency. He should also love the ocean because nothing makes Ency happier than spending a day by the sea, splashing around and enjoying the sun. Hope you brought your speedo Clayton because Ency is ready to make waves!
Fun Facts:
• Ency loves Dance Dance Revolution.
• Ency taught English to North Korean defectors when she studied abroad.
• Ency would love more opportunities to dress in costume.
I need to hear more about this costume business. The word “more” suggests that she regularly dresses in costume, but in what situations? Halloween? Cosplay? Singing telegrams? Are we talking kinks or someone who is in some sort of arrested development situation where she dressed as a princess as a 4-year-old and never gave it up? MANY QUESTIONS.
ICU Nurse
Denver, Colorado
Gabby is much more than meets the eye. Not only is she beautiful, but she also has a lot of substance, emotional depth and a wealth of lived experiences. Gabby is looking for a man with quiet confidence. She doesn’t have a physical type but says that if he doesn’t have a personality, then it’s a hard pass. Her ideal man will challenge her, communicate his feelings and work hard to equally carry the weight of the relationship. The one nonnegotiable for Gabby? Whatever man captures Gabby’s heart must also have room in their life for her four-legged friend because she and her goldendoodle Leonardo are a package deal. While Gabby would love to find a man, she isn’t the type to lose herself in a relationship. She’s hoping to find a man who will love her for the independent woman she is.
Fun Facts:
• Gabby is terrified of humpback whales but would love to see one in person from a safe distance.
• Gabby loves to write cards.
• Stomping grapes in Italy is at the top of Gabby’s bucket list.
I can’t wait for the date where they make Gabby and Clayton go humpback whale riding.
Bartender
Los Angeles, California
Genevieve is looking for a man with whom she can get lost in their own little world. She is ambitious, confident and persistent, and says that when she wants something, there isn’t much that can stop her from going for it. Her dream man is someone that will let her maintain her independence and always keep her laughing. She wants someone who won’t be afraid to admit that they are wrong or change their personality when they are “bro-ing out” with the guys. They also must have a good relationship with their mother and be able to have deep, meaningful conversations. What Genevieve wants is to find a passionate man who can flirt with her well past the first date and make their love go the distance.
Fun Facts:
• Genevieve doesn’t like public speaking.
• Genevieve loves to go fishing.
• Genevieve says Hailey and Justin Bieber are #RelationshipGoals.
Pediatric Nurse
Orlando, Florida
Hailey is here for the real deal, y’all! She feels like this is all happening at the perfect time for her – her body and career are exactly where she wants them to be: She has the unwavering support of her loving grandma, aka “Lil Grams,” and now she’s just missing a man to complement it all. Hailey has a magnetic personality, is serious about finding love and won’t settle for someone who just looks perfect on paper. She is looking for a family-oriented man with career ambition and a close relationship with God. Her dream man will value her and will love her firecracker personality instead of trying to soften her. At the end of the day, Hailey is trying to find her husband by any means possible, so Clayton, we hope you’re ready!
Fun Facts:
• Hailey dreams of hanging out with elephants in Thailand.
• Hailey is not afraid to go skinny dipping.
• Hailey is Taylor Swift’s biggest fan.
I got nothing. I literally have nothing to say about this marshmallow of a person.
Human Resources Specialist
Charlotte, North Carolina
Hunter is a Disney Princess looking for her Prince Charming. But seriously, Hunter used to work at Walt Disney World as a princess which 1) is way more competitive than you think and 2) absolutely makes sense when you get to know her. She is genuine, empathetic and compassionate. She describes herself as a romantic who longs for a relationship like you see in rom-coms. She is looking for a man who is loving, athletic and outdoorsy. He should also be adventurous with food because when it comes to eating, Hunter is a huge foodie. At her core, Hunter is truly ready to put it all on the line in the hopes of finding her happily ever after.
Fun Facts:
• Hunter’s favorite book is “A Walk to Remember.”
• Hunter would love to be Justin Bieber’s “One Less Lonely Girl.”
• Hunter would love to have an Australian accent.
I’ve read enough things about Disney park employees to know that being a “princess” is actually a very demanding job that involves deflecting a lot of gross Dads who make inappropriate comments or get gropey or try to slip their hotel room key to them, so no snark about the Disney princess thing, as much as I want to go there.
Bar Mitzvah Dancer
Queens, New York
Ivana is ready to find the one! She calls herself a multi-dater who has dated every type of man NYC has to offer. After some time spent meditating on it, she is here because it’s time to manifest true love. She loves to spend her time clubbing, gardening and consignment shopping. Ivana’s idea of a romantic date involves dancing naked in the rain and ends with cuddling after her man washes her hair. Also, her future hubby must love ALL animals because Ivana hopes to one day have a dog, five snakes, three exotic frogs, one lizard and a turtle. Above all, Ivana wants a man who is undeniably compatible with her. Well, we know Clayton likes dogs, so hopefully that’s a start!
Fun Facts:
• Ivana takes herself out to a new restaurant every weekend.
• Ivana prefers indoor trees.
• Ivana works as a hand model from time to time.
1. WHAT IS A BAT MITZVAH DANCER?
2. WHAT IS AN “INDOOR TREE?”
3. WHAT IS THIS COMPLETELY INSANE FANTASY DATE?
4. WHY ARE HER REPTILE REQUIREMENTS SO SPECIFIC?
Ivana is a mystery and I am completely intrigued.
Social Media Director
Los Angeles, California
Jane is the life of the party and not afraid to be bold. She loves to get dolled up for nights out with the girls but not as much as she loves her job working in social media. She likes to play hard but says she works even harder and wants to find a man who is just as passionate about building a successful career for themselves as she is. Jane is a sucker for romance and is done dating “F boys.” Now that she’s making her romantic life a priority, she is ready for a family and hopes that Clayton will be the man with whom she steps into the next chapter of life.
Fun Facts:
• Jane dreams of a life filled with unlimited kombucha.
• Jane is terrified of tall cliffs.
• Jane prefers glamping over camping.
Did y’all watch F-Boy Island? You talk about a guilty pleasure … that show is PURE TRASH. When Jane gets eliminated on The Bachelor, they should ship her directly to F-Boy Island. In fact, they should ship all of the eliminated contestants directly to F-Boy Island. It should be a direct Bachelor-F-Boy Island pipeline. Considering F-Boy Island was created by a former Bachelor producer, I bet we could make this happen.
Architectural Historian
Scituate, Rhode Island
Jill is full of life and personality. She loves being outside, walking around the local cemeteries and going out for drinks with the girls, but she is tired of being the only single one in her group of friends. Jill is looking for a man with a kind heart who is emotionally mature. Her dream man is someone she can laugh with, have deep conversations with, and someone who she enjoys spending time with more than she enjoys being alone. Physically, she says she is looking for a big, tall, hunk of a man that she can “climb like a tree.” Jill, please let us introduce you to Clayton …
Fun Facts:
• Jill knows how to identify baby pine trees as male or female.
• Jill was obsessed with “Twilight” as a teen.
• Petting a wombat is at the top of Jill’s bucket list.
I worry Jill is on the wrong show.
Real Estate Agent
Lake Hollywood, California
Kate has an amazing life – a great job with one of Los Angeles’ top real estate firms, a beautiful home in the Hollywood Hills, and a glamorous social life that is nonstop fun. Kate feels like she is close to having it all, but the one thing that’s missing is a special man in her life. She is looking for a nice, motivated, mature man with a bit of a flashy side. He should love a good thrill because Kate’s idea of a romantic date is skydiving. She is over dating Hollywood party boys and ready to finally open her heart to someone ready for something real and hopes to walk away from this experience with a ring on her finger.
Fun Facts:
• Kate’s moon/rising sign is Leo, which she says speaks for itself.
• Kate is a Mario Kart aficionado.
• Kate once went on a date with Harry Styles, and if you ask her for details, she’ll tell you all about it.
As I mentioned, we don’t know much about Clayton. They made him the Bachelor despite the fact that he didn’t get very far on The Bachelorette, and we never learned anything about him other than that he was a former NFL player and his mom is a teacher — that’s literally it. That said, what I do know about him is that Clayton can’t be described as having a “flashy side,” and methinks this walking ham hock from Missouri is not particularly interested in living in the Hollywood Hills.
Physician
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Kira is attractive, ambitious and wildly accomplished. She is fearlessly focused and dedicated to achieving any goal she sets her sights on, which is proven by her bachelor’s degree from Harvard, her MBA from University of Pennsylvania, and her medical degree from UNC-Chapel Hill. WOW! She loves her career practicing internal medicine but is ready to put her professional life on hold so she can truly focus on herself for a change. Kira is looking for a mature man who will excite and inspire her. He should be social, always up for trying new things and appreciate the corny things in life. At the end of the day, Kira says she is looking for a man that will look at her the way she looks at french fries and we think she deserves nothing less.
Fun Facts:
• Kira taught herself to write hieroglyphics as a child.
• Kira loves nachos.
• Kira has two cats, Olga and Oksana.
Oh, did she go to Harvard? Huh.
Neonatal Nurse
Jacksonville, Florida
Born and raised in a small town with a loving family, Lindsay grew up encouraged by her supportive parents to chase her beauty queen dreams and won Miss Teen America at the age of 17. After giving birth to her daughter, her plans changed slightly, but Lindsay says she never knew a love like that could exist until she had her daughter! She is still searching for her love story but knows that she has to be selective since she and her daughter are in this together. Lindsay is looking for a man whom she can trust unconditionally. She wants someone who will give her as much respect as she gives them and bonus points for a man who can keep up with her on the dance floor. Lindsay is ready to find love and start a family, so she’s hoping by taking this huge step and opening her heart back up to Clayton, their love story can begin.
Fun Facts:
• Lindsay D. loves Taco Bell.
• Lindsay D. loves Hallmark Christmas movies.
• Lindsay D. enjoys napping in hammocks.
No. Gross. Next.
Industrial Sales Representative
Houston, Texas
When it comes to living life, Lyndsey likes to just go for it! A small town girl making moves in the big city, Lyndsey isn’t afraid to take great risk if it means great rewards. She is looking for a man who is humble, reliable and ready to be her best friend. Her faith is incredibly important to her and nothing would make her happier than to share that with the man she loves. Lyndsey is ready to stop wasting her time on men who don’t deserve her and find someone who will make her the priority. Lyndsey believes true love is within reach and we hope she’s right!
Fun Facts:
• Lyndsey W. doesn’t do clowns.
• Lyndsey W. cannot sleep without a white noise machine.
• Lyndsey W. says she is much more of a Baby Spice then a Sporty Spice.
I don’t “do” clowns either, but like with the costume thing, I need more information about this. In what sense does Lyndsey not “do” clowns? Like she can’t be around them or she can’t … you know … do them?
Entrepreneur
Collingswood, New Jersey
Mara is coming in hot and serving us swag! Born in Puerto Rico, she and her family migrated to the U.S. when she was young and has been spicing up the lives of everyone around her ever since. She considers herself the life of the party and is looking for a man to settle down with and keep life fun. When it comes to relationships, she is extremely nurturing but can be quite tough – she loves hard, fights hard and is extremely passionate. Mara is so ready to be in love and not afraid to put in the work to get there. Hope you’re ready Clayton!
Fun Facts:
• Mara loves to Salsa dance.
• Snoring is a deal breaker for Mara.
• Mara doesn’t eat spicy food.
No. Absolutely not. Never say those words at me again.
Former Olympian
Virginia Beach, Virginia
Marlena is definitely the full package and to say she’s accomplished would be an understatement. Not only is she vice president of human resources, but she runs her own real estate company and owns several properties. She also competed for Haiti at the 2012 Summer Olympics in track and field! Yes, she is an Olympian, people! Marlena’s energy is infectious and her smile lights up a room. She knows who she is in this world and has worked hard for all that she has in life. When Marlena loves, she loves hard and is looking for the right partner with whom to settle down.
Fun Facts:
• There is nothing or no one in this world who could convince Marlena to go bungee jumping.
• Marlena had a blonde Mohawk in high school.
• Marlena prefers to travel solo and has visited more than 15 countries on her own.
I can’t wait for the date where they make Marlena and Clayton go bungee jumping.
Personal Trainer
West Hollywood, California
Melina is a bright, fun and charismatic gal who is ready to jump into the arms of the Bachelor, LITERALLY. When she’s not working, she can be found bouncing around the streets of LA in her KANGABOOTS™️, a shock absorbing workout shoe Melina created to make cardio more fun. She lives a fast-paced life that includes shopping for designer clothes, spending time with her horse and eating exclusively from the hot bar at Erewhon. Frankly, she needs a man who can keep up! Her dream partner is incredibly athletic, unapologetic and punctual. She is looking for her best friend and doesn’t plan on slowing down until she gets him!
Fun Facts:
• Melina is a very skilled jump roper.
• Melina loves being tucked in.
• When Melina dies, she wants to be buried in cranberry sauce and stuffing.
First strike: KANGABOOTS™️.
Second strike: Thinking that anyone outside of Los Angeles has any idea what an “Erewhon” is.
Third strike: THE FUCK KIND OF BURIAL PLAN IS THAT? NO, BUT SERIOUSLY THOUGH. GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE WITH THAT.
Flight Instructor
Clermont, Florida
Rachel is a fearless frequent flyer looking for a man who will travel the world with her. After recently earning her private pilot license, the future is nothing but sunny skies ahead for Rachel and now she is hoping to find a co-pilot that matches her sense of adventure. As a hopeless romantic, Rachel is looking for someone who is as playful, passionate and spontaneous as she is. He should be nurturing, empathetic and MUST be respectful in all facets of life – to her, to family, and especially to waiters. In the end, Rachel wants to find crazy, insane love that makes sense to no one else but her and her soul mate.
Fun Facts:
• Rachel could live off of Flaming Hot Cheetos.
• Rachel can’t wait to read the Harry Potter series with her kids one day.
• Rachel once organized a flash mob in high school.
I was right there with Rachel until we got to the flash mob. That’s too bad.
Registered Nurse
Dallas, Texas
A product of Texas, Rianna is a big personality with the cowgirl boots to match. She loves to two-step, hunt and horseback ride, and says she never hesitates to do something outrageous for a memory or experience. In recent years, Rianna has put her career and education at the forefront of her life, but now she’s ready to hop back in the saddle and take her shot at finding the one. Rianna is looking for a man who is family-oriented, outgoing and loyal. He must love to travel and bonus points for a man who loves hiking as much as she does. One thing Rianna isn’t interested in is a man who wants to change her because she loves who she is and knows that when she meets her soul mate, he’ll feel the exact same way.
Fun Facts:
• Rianna loves to watch “Naked & Afraid.”
• Rianna hates doing laundry.
• Rianna is very competitive when it comes to playing Monopoly.
See: Cassidy.
Previously Engaged
Charlottesville, Virginia
Salley is a real-life Meredith Grey looking for her McDreamy. She is a spine surgery robot operator who keeps a tight circle of friends that she likes to have dinner and drinks with but is a career-focused girl who is usually in bed by 11 p.m. She describes herself as religious, family-oriented and adventurous. She says she wants a man who is loyal, fun and willing to give her lots of attention because, why lie? She loves it! She says that when it comes to relationships, she is incredibly supportive and loves to make her man feel appreciated and wanted. What more could Clayton want?!
Fun Facts:
• Salley hates cotton balls and can’t be near them.
• Salley is obsessed with hot tubs.
• Salley wants to own a clothing store one day.
I mean, the cotton ball thing is definitely weird, sure. But “Previously Engaged” as one’s career is literally the biggest red flag on a series that is stitched together from red flags.
Occupational Therapist
San Diego, California
Samantha is an outgoing go-getter who always has a glass-half-full attitude. She loves brunching, going to EDM festivals, and snuggling with her dog while enjoying a glass of white wine. Samantha’s career is extremely important to her, but it is not her No. 1 priority – having a family is her biggest desire and she is ready to find a man with whom to grow a family! Samantha’s dream man is gregarious, loyal and supportive. He also must be able to clean up after himself because Samantha wants a partner and not someone that she has to take care of. Samantha is looking for a real man who will enhance her life, and she’s ready to put it all on the line for the pursuit of love.
Fun Facts:
• Samantha occasionally likes to play blackjack.
• Samantha has gone skydiving 12 times.
• Samantha would love to own a dog sanctuary one day.
Between the EDM festivals and the skydiving, Samantha sounds utterly exhausting. I have to go lie down just having read this.
Wealth Management Advisor
New York City, New York
Sarah may be young, but she’s gone through more in life than the average girl her age and she doesn’t let it slow her down. When she’s not killing it on Wall Street, she loves spending time with her family, taking trips to the spa, and growing the nonprofit she started which aims to support adopted children. Sarah says that she is a hopeless romantic and is ready to find the one. Her perfect man is respectful, easy-going and spontaneous by nature. He’ll also love co-hosting dinner parties with her, giving her hugs that she can get lost in, and will share in her love of Valentine’s Day. Sarah says that when she falls, she falls hard and fast; so Clayton, get ready to catch!
Fun Facts:
• Nothing makes Sarah happier than cute tiny dogs.
• Sarah gets frustrated by slow walkers.
• Sarah thinks that Wonder Woman is a badass.
Sarah is a character from a Hallmark movie who finds love when she returns to her hometown and leaves her fancy Wall Street job behind.
Elementary School Teacher
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Serene’s spirit is robust and her passion is strong. When she’s not making a difference in her student’s lives, she loves to spend time relaxing with close friends or planning her next big adventure. Serene knows her worth and what she needs to be happy. When it comes to relationships, she wants to find a man who is truly worthy of her commitment and ready to give her that same level of commitment back. Her dream man is honest, clear on what he wants, and an excellent communicator. He’s open to trying new things, willing to be vulnerable, and ready to have a big family. Serene has a huge heart and a lot of love to give, so we can’t wait to see if she finds our Bachelor a worthy recipient.
Fun Facts:
• Serene loves the theater but only if it’s a musical.
• Guinea pigs seriously freak Serene out.
• Serene has a cat named Leonardo DiCATprio.
Recruiter
Sycamore, Ohio
Shanae is a small-town girl with a HUGE personality. She describes herself as faithful, patient and lovable, and is here to find a man who can keep up with her in all facets of life. She is looking for a man with confidence that won’t waste time playing games. She also values her independence, so while Shanae wants to build a life with someone, she also wants someone who encourages her to achieve the goals she has set for herself. Above all, Shanae wants to be able to be herself with a man who will honor and cherish her for the gem that she is.
Fun Facts:
• Shanae loves Christmas so much that she keeps her tree up all year round.
• Shanae is obsessed with zoos.
• Shanae is not interested in dating a man who performs magic.
Sound policy.
Recruiting Coordinator
Dallas, Texas
Sierra is a bold and beautiful firecracker of a woman. She loves traveling, yoga, dressing to impress, and working toward achieving her goals. Sierra says that everything she does has deep thought and purpose, so then why come to “The Bachelor”? Sierra is ready for marriage and she wants it soon! She is looking for a man who is cultured, direct and just as ambitious as she is. Also, please be clean because Sierra has no time for anyone with bad hygiene. Sierra is done wasting time and is ready to jump into love with both feet. Will Clayton be the man to take the plunge with her? Only time will tell…
Fun Facts:
• Sierra loves scavenger hunts.
• Sierra’s favorite flower is a black rose.
• Sierra cannot eat enough Korean food, especially kimchi and rice.
THIS SEEMS LIKE A REALLY LOW BAR, SIERRA. AIM HIGHER FOR YOURSELF, GIRL.
Wedding Videographer
Virginia Beach, Virginia
Susie is a beauty queen with a passion for adventure. Whether it’s moving to Japan to experience a new culture or winning Miss Virginia 2020, Susie loves to defy expectations and is looking for a man who will keep life interesting. What Susie finds sexy is a thoughtful man who prioritizes quality time and creating shared experiences. With Susie, loyalty is the bottom line and she needs someone she can trust to her core. Above all, she wants someone who will always be there to support and encourage her dreams no matter where those dreams take her.
Fun Facts:
• Susie would love to be a documentary filmmaker one day.
• Susie hates haunted houses.
• Susie is a Jiu-Jitsu champion.
These bullet points feel like a twist ending on this profile, honestly.
Surgical Unit Nurse
Highland, California
Teddi is a catch. She is beautiful, smart and a total hopeless romantic who is ready to find her soul’s counterpart. Though Teddi grew up in a strict Christian household, she lives by her own rules and has no interest in settling just to settle. Teddi is all about that instant connection and is looking for someone who won’t be intimidated when she asks hard-hitting questions on the first date. While she is all about forming deep connections, Teddi also wants a man who can have fun with her and who won’t be afraid to join her for a late-night skinny dip! Teddi is ready for the real thing and just wants to share her heart with someone who truly deserves it.
Fun Facts:
• Teddi could eat pasta for every meal.
• Growing up, Teddi was terrified of ladybugs.
• Teddi loves massages.
Human Resources Specialist
Stamford, Connecticut
Tessa is such a romantic that she is often accused of being cinematic. She loves grand romantic gestures, and when asked how she feels about love, she says “there’s definitely a moment to be extra and romance is IT!” She loves attending concerts, spending time at her neighborhood dive bar, and dancing through the night until the sun comes up. Tessa is looking for a man who is kind, inclusive, and always pushing themselves to be better. She finds vulnerability super attractive and wants to be with a man who doesn’t have trouble sharing his emotions. Tessa also dreams of finding someone to share her passion for music with because, for her, there is no sweeter song than a song of love.
Fun Facts:
• Tessa loves to bowl.
• Stevie Nicks is Tessa’s bohemian icon.
• Tessa has a fear of red fruits: apples, grapes, raisins, etc..
Back in the early part of the 20th century, two psychologists at Johns Hopkins University performed an experiment in which they took a nine-month-old baby boy and induced a Pavlovian fear response in him whenever he saw small white fluffy animals by making loud noises every time he pet a white rat. It was wildly unethical and became a whole thing. My point is, I guess, who startled poor Tessa here when she was eating some cherries?
Alright. We begin this nonsense in an hour. Momma needs to go fill a pint glass with box wine. See you all soon.
The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.
Fabulous and hilarious rundown as always! If you go to Jared Fried’s IG posts doing a similar bio breakdown (which I highly recommend if you don’t already follow him), he explains what a Bat Mitzvah dancer is . . . 😉
Also, fun fact: Gabby dated Dean seriously in college and also dated Blake H of Stagecoach fame.
I love these posts, lol! As Karen mentioned in her comment, this is Jared Fried’s explanation: “As a Jew who had dancers at his own Bar Mitzvah, there is nothing that makes me cringe more than having to explain the Bar Mitzvah dancers. Like, I’m sure someone reading this is thinking, “What’s a Bar Mitzvah dancer?!?!” Well, when a Jewish boy or girl becomes an adult, their parents throw them a party. Now, us Jews aren’t known for our “moves.” So to get the party going, some people hire men and women in their 20s to dance like they’re at the Knicks game. So now it’s older Jews dancing badly surrounding young hot people dancing seductively while 13-year-old boys and girls realize their dads look kind of creepy.”
Loved this review of the upcoming season! Spoiler …
as you may have seen…not one…
not two…
but three women self eliminated.
Only two were shown. The woman that arrived in the bathtub also eliminated but it is speculated they didn’t air it as Clayton already had two women leave by then.