The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
June 9, 2021
We are still in Tahoe. So. The next morning, the women dress and meet downstairs for breakfast — except for Sutton, who remains in her room. Downstairs, Erika tells Crystal that she knows she’s receiving “heat” and wants her to know she thinks it’s unfair and unwarranted. Garcelle insists that Sutton has “a lot going on” but the others are like, “yeah, but we all do, and that’s not a reason to take it out on someone else.”
The day’s activities have them taking a boat ride around the lake later in the afternoon, so in the meantime, the women split up: Garcelle and Crystal head out for coffee; Rinna and Kyle check on Sutton; Kathy, Dorit, and Erika spend the next five hours doing their own glam for the boat ride.
Rinna checks on Sutton who is armed with what appears to be a purple dildo, but is in fact a facial roller, which she claims helps her soothe her anxiety. Sutton admits that she’s a little angry — she thoughtsomething was goingg on at the table the night before that she was being left out of, AND THERE WAS.
Rinna asks Sutton if she’s rolling instead of crying, assuring her that it’s fine to cry if she wants to. But Sutton pouts that she’s sick of crying. When Kyle joins them, Rinna explains that she’s encouraging Sutton to cry it out. But Sutton points out that Kyle called her sensitive and crazy the night before, to which Kyle is like, “well, you were being irrational.”
“WELL, I GUESS I’LL ADD THAT TO THE LIST OF NAMES PEOPLE HAVE CALLED ME. RIDICULOUS, CRAZY, PARANOID, IRRATIONAL …” I swear to God, if this woman is ever going to survive this show, she better become a lot more comfortable with people calling her names …
Rinna excuses herself to go do some yoga and departs with a Satnamm,” urging the others to Google i, when they are like, “the fuck?”
Kyle then tells Sutton that she needs to apologize to Crystal, but Sutton insists she has nothing to apologize for.
Meanwhile, at a small coffee shop in the woods, Garcelle and Crystal enjoy some time away from these crazy white women. Garcelle asks Crystal how she’s feeling and Crystal is honest about being worried that Sutton is going to lose her damn mind again. Crystal tells Garcelle about the uncomfortable conversation they had about race two nights before, and how Sutton insisted that they are all “equal,” an idea that the Black and Asian women laugh ruefully at.
Crystal insists she doesn’t need to be best friends with Sutton, she just needs her to be cool around her. Garcelle warns Crystal that things are going to come to a head with Sutton at some point, and Crystal is like, “WAIT, THEY HAVEN’T COME TO A HEAD ALREADY?”
Then it’s boat time. As the women board the Bleu Wave, Kyle wonders if this group has ever had a successful outing on a boat:
Once on the boat, Garcelle asks Erika if she’s heard from Tom Girardi, and Erika explains that yes, she just spoke to him this morning. He’s busy busy busy
stealing from widows and orphans doing law because he’s a workhorse at stealing from widows and orphans the law and he’s dedicated his life to stealing from widows and orphans being a lawyer. That’s who he really is, and what he loves: stealing from widows and orphans the law.
Anyway, the boat. There’s a seagull and much shrieking and running from the seagull who just seems like he wants to hang out.
Otherwise, the ride is somewhat awkward, what with Sutton off by herself, moping. Erika tries to ask Sutton what’s going on with her, but Sutton insists it’s nothing, she’s just “being quiet.” Except she’s not: she is building up the courage to have yet another conversation with Crystal.
The two head up to a deck by themselves, where Sutton breaks back out the face
dildo anxiety roller and explains that she had a “rough night” after Crystal called her “ridiculous,” because it did not make her “feel great” and she “doesn’t like name-calling.”
Sutton then goes on to complain that Crystal can be “abrupt” with her, and when Crystal realizes that Sutton is out here looking for Crystal to apologize to her, she openly scoffs. Sutton is now offended by this: that Crystal is “laughing” at her, and snips that this is not the time for sarcasm.
With that, she demands to hear Crystal’s version of what happened the night before, and Crystal is like, “Alright, so I had nothing to do with the pranks that you were so upset about and then you told everyone that I kicked you.”
Crystal goes on to tell Sutton that she doesn’t trust her, that she thinks Sutton is manic, and that she can’t deal with crazy people. Sutton is deeply insulted to be called crazy, Crystal doesn’t even know her! But Crystal is like, “But crazy is literally all you’ve shown me, so …”
Sutton then insists that she is actually a very sweet, but complicated person and admits that she can be hard to get to know because she’s so shy. She then blames all of her completely unhinged behavior on the fact that she moved houses recently and bursts into tears. She apologizes that Crystal got thrown into her mix of crazy, and wants to move forward with her, taking baby steps.
Crystal has a skeptical.
Meanwhile, the other women spend the cruise looking for The Godfather Part 2 house and I’m sorry to inform them that the only part left from the original set is a boathouse for a private gated community, and it is not at all what they are expecting. They do see the gorgeous Vikingsholm on Emerald Bay, which they mistake for the Godfather house, but instead is just a 36-room castle that was built by a woman who used to own the entire bay back in the 30s. Nothing to see here.
When they return to the corporate retreat, Chef has baked them cookies and made them homemade donuts because she’s never watched this show and has no idea that these women would rather throw themselves into Emerald Bay in winter than eat a carb.
That night is their last in Lake Tahoe, and they plan on having dinner together there at the corporate retreat, having exhausted all of the fancy restaurants in town. (Seriously, though, unless they want to grab some pizza and beers or get some very good Thai food, there aren’t many other options available to them in the South Lake Tahoe restaurant scene.)
Oh, and Dorit and Kyle play bocce, but it’s not even worth talking about, honestly.
That night at dinner, Sutton arrives in a fancy dress and her insane teddy bear slippers; Erika wears a full Canadian tuxedo, and Kathy insists that she unbutton her pants for some reason; and Dorit (who Garcelle hilariously keeps calling “Door-it”), somehow, improbably, arrives in a rather modest tartan number.
THIS ISN’T LIKE YOU AT ALL, DOOR-IT. ARE YOU OK? DO YOU HAVE A FEVER? LONG COVID? MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO LIE DOWN AND WE’LL FETCH YOU SOME FENDI AND FACE PEARLS.
Over cocktails, Kyle complains about the stitches inside her nose tickling her, prompting Garcelle to ask the group how many of them have also had a nose job.
“Not me,” says Dorit.
“Sure,” say the producers.
The only woman to cop to having had a nose job, in fact, is Kathy Hilton who does not give any fucks. Good on her.
The ladies then sit for dinner, even though Crystal has not yet joined them. Garcelle and Kyle reveal that Crystal has texted them to say that she’s not coming, and Sutton lets out an exasperated sigh. Sutton, without the support of her face roller, then proceeds to apologize to all of the women, explaining that moving out of her family home “triggered” her and that they didn’t deserve her erratic behavior the night before.
Everyone is like, “we’re cool,” and that’s settled.
But then Rinna decides that she needs to make a statement, too, and talks about how she’s also had a rough year, and has been accused of being “the worst friend,” and she’s had a lot to think about and work on. And she should have just left it at that! That would have been fine! Everyone would be like, “Sure! We’re also cool with you!”
But instead, she continues.
Rinna tells a story that Harry Hamlin shared with her: Many years ago, Harry Hamlin was out drinking with a friend, a really close friend. And later that night, this close friend raped a young woman.
~horrified gasps from the other women~
So, the friend is arrested, and all of their other friends visited him in jail, except for Harry Hamlin. The other friends told Harry Hamlin that Rapist Friend needed all of their support and love, but Harry Hamlin refused to give it, because he does not believe in blind loyalty.
And that’s how Rinna justified how she treated Denise Richards in the whole Brandi Glanville scandal: by comparing her to a rapist.
In a talking head, Garcelle is outraged that Rinna would compare these two situations and suggests that this is not a story Rinna should share ever again. Garcelle is not wrong.
The other women, however, commend Rinna: she clearly had a lot of tea on Denise that she did not spill, and Rinna agrees: she’s a steel trap that can be trusted with all of their secrets.
Garcelle, however, points out that sometimes it’s fine to just say nothing. Sure, Rinna might have known more about Denise and her personal life, but that’s not an excuse for her assigning herself the ringleader in the fight against her.
Rinna explains that she just wanted Denise to be vulnerable and transparent, but that Garcelle definitely has a point, and she handled the situation the wrong way. Listen, Rinna is always more than happy to admit blame if it will make an uncomfortable conversation about herself come to an end.
And the conversation does come to an end. The women retreat downstairs to the game room/bar/pool area to play some games, drink, and watch a synchronized swimming performance by Rinna and Sutton and y’all, I hate to admit it, but they were pretty good!
After, they sit by the outdoor fireplace where Kathy Hilton makes fun of drunk Kyle from the night before, who she found naked and sprawled out on her bed, “like a centerfold.” Garcelle, master of interesting questions, asks if any of them would ever do a centerfold, and Kathy claims that Kyle already has, though Kyle claims she was more covered up than all that.
Later, Crystal comes downstairs and finds Kyle to explain that she was more emotionally overwhelmed than she thought. Crystal then tearfully tells Kyle that the night before, while she was getting ready for bed, she had just stepped out of the shower when Sutton came into her room with Crystal’s coat. Crystal, not expecting guests in her room while she was naked, dropped to the floor to cover herself, and Sutton made some comment along the lines of “oh sorry for walking in on whatever you’re doing in here …” and then walked out as if Crystal was doing something weird.
Kyle asks, reasonably, if she and Sutton discussed this on the boat, but Crystal says they did not, she didn’t think about it at the time. Kyle, speaking for all of us, wonders in an interview just how upsetting this exchange could have really been, if it happened 24 hours ago, and Crystal is just now talking about it, but sure.
The next morning, while everyone is packing, Sutton stops by Crystal’s room to try to make nicetimes again. Crystal, however, decides to confront Sutton about walking in on her while she was naked. Crying, Crystal reminds Sutton that she said something like, “Whatever you’re doing over there …” and that BOUNDARIES WERE CROSSED. Sutton insists she didn’t mean anything by that, but Crystal insists that she was “so creepy and weird.” Sutton again says that it was certainly awkward, but that she’s sorry, and never meant to come off as “creepy or weird,” she was just trying to return her coat.
Sutton insists that she just wants to get to know Crystal better. While she knows that Crystal “doesn’t need more friends,” Sutton insists she is a pretty good friend, and threatens that she’ll probably be sending Crystal flowers the next day. With that, Sutton offers to help Crystal with her luggage, and the crisis appears to be averted.
For now. (I don’t know what happens, but I do watch enough Bravo to know it somehow involves ugly leather pants.)
FOUR DAYS LATER
It is Election Day morning — November 2, 2020, the day we finally threw that wannabe despot out of office. But the big news in the Real Housewives’ world is the text message that Kyle, Rinna, and Dorit just received from Erika:
TO. BE. CONTINUED. FOR. SURE.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo.