‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: OK, but where is Brandi? Seriously, though?

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Reunion, Part 2”
September 9, 2020

Part two of our reunion — such that it is — begins with a montage of Kyle having meltdowns and temper tantrums. She was mad at Dorit for being Dorit; she was mad at Denise for being a disheveled “ragamuffin” and then defending Dorit; she was mad at Rinna for saying that she never defended her; she was mad at everyone for questioning her relationship with Teddi. There was a lot of Kyle freakout this season.

Her initial defense is that she had been busy on the East Coast away from her family, working on her clothing line and the Halloween film, and so she was exhausted and overly sensitive to what she thought were attacks.

A fan asks Erika why she wasn’t also pissed off when Dorit, at Teddi’s retreat, said that she “had a life,” implying that Kyle and Erika didn’t. And Erika is like, “Honestly, I was very drunk at the time, so.”

Dorit claims that she had a full conversation with Teddi about the retreat, and that Teddi assured her that she didn’t care what time Dorit or any of them showed up. So imagine her surprise and SHOCK! when Kyle attacked her. As for saying that she had a life, she didn’t mean to say that the other women didn’t, just that she has children and work and has to plan her day. You know, unlike all of the rest of them.

Kyle responds that she thought Dorit cared about showing off her outfit more than she did in supporting Teddi, and Garcelle pipes in that Kyle’s impersonation of Dorit’s poses was hilarious.

A fan asks Teddi how it felt to see Erika say that no one really wanted to go to her retreat, and Teddi’s like, “How do you think it felt? It sucked. But you have to move on. What, you’re just going to stew over one snide comment?”

Again, have any of these women ever seen this show?

Kyle chuckles that yes, of course they can brood over a stray comment, which, for some reason irritated Dorit who demands that Kyle just admit that her friendship with Teddi is different than her relationships with the other women. Kyle’s like, “well, yeah, because she’s been a better friend to me.” Kyle goes on to explain that she loves all the women, they’re all her friends, but she has different relationships with different people. You know … like people do.

A fan asks Erika about Kyle being mean to her when she’s drunk. What this is about, specifically, is that time Kyle got drunk at dinner and told Erika that she didn’t have any friends after Erika said it was weird that Kyle and Teddi shared a bed. Erika shrugs it off, and notes that she doesn’t have any brothers and sisters and so her relationships look a little different than Kyle’s. Yes, it hurt her feelings, but she can move past it.

Dorit can’t move past it, though, and huffs about Kyle saying that Dorit wasn’t as good of friends with Erika as she thought she was. Kyle’s like, “I apologize. Sorry.” But Dorit is not interested in an apology and insists that it’s not good enough.

Kyle snaps that she was frustrated with Dorit, and feeling like she had been coming at her all season, mocking her fashion show, taking credit for having Wilson Phillips at her charity event (when she obviously stole that idea from Bridesmaids)

… the bottom line is that Kyle did not talk shit about Dorit in interviews, and Dorit spent all season throwing Kyle under the bus and attacking her business.

Kyle, becoming emotional, tells Dorit how hurt she was to watch back the episode where they had a heartfelt conversation about their friendship, only to see Dorit making fun of her in the interviews. She thought they were better friends than that …

Dorit argues that she was just poking a little fun, but maybe wasn’t as supportive as she should have been in retrospect. Garcelle decides this is a good time to jump in, and tries to claim that Kyle was more upset with her for saying she felt “glazed over” (and, by the way, can we just note that “glazed over” is not an expression that means “to ignore” — but for the life of me I can’t figure out what it is she is malapropriating here) (And I know “malapropriating” is not a word, thanks) by Kyle than Kyle was that Dorit was hurting her business.

Dorit is not interested in Garcelle’s input, thanks.

Dorit protests that Kyle is VERY important to her and it hurts that they aren’t really speaking … Andy Cohen is all, “WAIT, WHAT? YOU’RE NOT SPEAKING? WHY DIDN’T THE INTERN INCLUDE THAT IN MY NOTES?” Dorit demands to know why, if they’re such good friends, Kyle wouldn’t text her to tell her she was hurt by what Dorit said about her and the business, and Kyle fires back that if they’re such good friends, why would Dorit say those things in the first place?

Andy Cohen, who is sitting on the Brandi bomb and knows he has to devote a full half episode to that, demands that they wrap this nonsense up already.

A fan asks Kyle why she called Denise a “fake-ass bitch,” and Kyle is like, “Look. Denise clearly doesn’t care about the whole glam thing, so when she was defending Dorit and then Rinna came at me saying that I didn’t defend her, and then Dorit piled on … I just felt like everyone was putting on an act, and when I said that, I meant all the women, not just Denise. They’re all fake-ass bitches.”

Another fan asks Denise, as “one of the sexiest women alive” how she felt when Kyle called her a “ragamuffin.” Denise, for whom this was literally the LEAST of her worries this season, laughs that her first thought was that she should trademark it, maybe come up with a Ragamuffin clothing line.

Andy Cohen asks Kyle what she meant by that, and Kyle explains that when she was growing up, her mother would call her a ragamuffin if her hair was messy or whatever (hey! me too! 70s moms, amirite?). Kyle insists that she didn’t mean it as a bad word, and Denise adds that she wasn’t offended.

But then Kyle claims she sent Denise a text apologizing after she saw the footage, and Denise accuses her of not doing so until she received backlash on social media.

See, what is going on here is that the Housewives are given copies of the episodes some time before they actually air. Kyle is claiming that she didn’t watch this episode early, whereas Denise claims that she did, but that she didn’t send an apology text until she saw how Twitter blew up after she called Denise a ragamuffin. Who even knows.

Dorit does make a solid point which is that Kyle is out here judging her for going full Barbie glam, and then turning around and calling Denise a ragamuffin for not using glam, and Andy Cohen is like, “YEAH! THAT’S RIGHT! AGAIN, WHY DIDN’T THE INTERN MAKE THAT POINT IN MY NOTES? SOMEONE FIRE THE INTERN.”

Kyle argues that she thought Denise of all people would know what she was saying about Dorit and her glam — not that it was right, but that’s what she was going for. And we all agree that we should just end this conversation here.

After Andy Cohen asks Rinna how Lois is holding up during the pandemic …

(Oh no.)

… we have the “Rinna is a Bad Mom” montage.

Andy Cohen’s first question is to Garcelle for her reaction to Amelia Hamlin telling her to fuck off, and Garcelle just replies, “OK,” with a shrug.

I mean, honestly, what else is there to say?

Garcelle actually does have a few things more to say: namely that she and Rinna have been friends for a long time, and that she was just speaking honestly. She knows that Rinna is an incredible mom, and this was never about mom-shaming her, just giving her a reality check.

Andy Cohen, searching for a reason, any reason, to have Teddi here, asks her about how she relates to Amelia’s issues, and she’s like, “My eating disorder was all about me, not my parents.” She then adds that she thought the topic was not appropriate for a light conversation in Rome and it was inappropriate for Garcelle to bring it up so publicly.

Andy Cohen notes that Sutton called Rinna’s Instagram dancing “weird” and Sutton’s like, “and?” Dorit tries to stir the pot by arguing that it wasn’t a compliment, but Rinna jumps in and is like, “But it is weird! I know it’s weird!”

As for whether or not her dancing in her underthings on Instagram is hurting her daughters, Rinna is like “are you fucking kidding me?” But … I mean … it’s kind of a fair question? Of course, it’s a small part of a bigger issue, of whether or not raising two girls in Beverly Hills and deep inside the Hollywood industry and making a point of constantly and relentlessly emphasizing that your physical appearance is one’s ultimate value is healthy or not. But if we need to focus on the Instagram dancing as a substitute for that bigger, and uglier, conversation, sure.

Andy Cohen asks for an update on Amelia in her $6000 a month apartment, and Rinna claims that she’s paying for it entirely on her own with her modeling money.

Oh good! At least she is very actively participating in an industry that encourages healthy attitudes about body image, and not just watching her mother from the sidelines!

Andy Cohen notes that Denise looked horrified when hearing about how Rinna’s daughters learned how to give blow jobs from her book. But Denise is not here to be dragged into a fight, and just shrugs that they are all different moms and she’s not here to judge.

Erika laughs that the Rinna girls revealing that in Tokyo — on camera — was a “lovely bomb” to drop. Rinna explains that neither girl is a “reader”

… and that a friend of theirs had read the book, found the passage and showed it to them. Kyle is AGHAST at the idea of Portia reading such a thing.


A fan asks Rinna about competing for the spotlight at her daughters’ photoshoot for their “clothing line” (which, you’ll be shocked SHOCKED! to hear no longer exists even though overpaying for some sweatshirts and running shorts that the Hamlin children slapped their names on seemed like a solid business venture)? Rinna is like “OF COURSE I WAS, DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?”

Because she’s technically a cast member, Andy Cohen has to do a “Teddi is Pregnant and No One Cares” montage.

A fan tells Teddi they are heartbroken about the “baby news” and Andy Cohen invites Teddi to tell everyone what is going on: Dove was born with lambdoid craniosynostosis, a condition that fuses the baby’s skull fuses before it should. At the time of the reunion, Dove was going to have surgery in two weeks. (And good news, Dove is doing just fine:)

A fan asks how Teddi came up with the name Dove, and she says she just has always liked it, but her husband didn’t want to name her that until Teddi pointed out that their daughter would have her own emoji. This is literally — and I have a kid named after a cardinal direction — the stupidest reason to name someone something that I have ever heard.

Another fan scolds Kyle for her floor pillows and Erika for her sushi and booze dinners. Erika argues that she hasn’t been pregnant in 29 years and she just … forgot. But she argues that she worried about Teddi a lot, so … that makes up for it? I guess?

As for Kyle, she just laughs that she doesn’t have an excuse for her thoughtlessness (or for the fact that pregnant or not, WHO EATS BARBECUE WHILE SITTING ON PILLOWS? FLOOR OR OTHERWISE?). Dorit teases Teddi about how heavy she was breathing while sitting on that ground pillow, and Teddi is like, “Yeah! I was pregnant!”

There is a very long, unnecessary conversation about Rinna’s bunny.

You know the one.

Andy Cohen then asks Teddi about her daughter Slate’s finger because she was such a non-entity this season that we have to discuss family things that did not happen on camera. Apparently, the front door closed on Slate’s finger hard enough to sever the tip of it. Teddi was able to save the finger and Dr. Paul was able to repair it. The end.

Andy Cohen ends the segment by asking Denise if pregnant, sober Teddi is just as boring as Sutton thought she was. Denise doesn’t take the bait, claiming that she never thought Teddi was boring.

But I’d like to take the question to a vote, Andy.

And then, in the final twenty minutes of the episode, we broach The Brandi Issue. After the montage, Denise pats herself on the back for having “the balls” to be at the reunion despite everything. OK, but where’s Brandi? We’re going to have this conversation without one of the major players in attendance?

Andy Cohen opens the discussion by noting that Denise has claimed that she barely knows Brandi, but that Brandi showed the other women a year’s worth of text messages. Can she explain?

Denise replies that for every 10 texts from Brandi, she might have responded once. Brandi was constantly wanting to hang out, but Denise never did. Their relationship amounted to a very casual acquaintanceship.

Rinna wonders why Denise didn’t call Brandi to confront her about the rumor, and Denise snaps that she’s not Brandi’s friend.

Objection, non-responsive.

Rinna tsks that Denise can’t keep lying and Denise fires back that Rinna can’t keep “playing this game and this card” and that she knows the truth: she’s not friends with Brandi.

As Kyle said, “well, not now …”

Andy Cohen points out that at BravoCon, right before the Rome trip, Denise said that Brandi was a friend when asked by an audience member (and y’all, I can’t help but wonder about that question, and whether it was something of a set-up on the producers’ part). Denise protests that at the moment she meant it, and had no reason to be negative about her. Andy Cohen points out that Denise called her a “good friend” then and is now saying they aren’t friends, so why the discrepancy? But Denise becomes angry that Andy Cohen is trying to “discredit” her.

Meanwhile, Erika begins to ask where Brandi is, why she’s not at the reunion, and Denise plays dumb, shrugging, “where is Brandi?” Rinna becomes irritated, telling Denise she knows full well Brandi isn’t at the reunion because of her, but Denise argues that Brandi isn’t there because she’s “not a part of the show.”

Technically, I suppose that’s accurate … but realistically, come on now.

Denise then gets a little bit closer to the truth, that she didn’t want to give Brandi the “satisfaction” of being on the reunion. Andy Cohen then swoops in to save Denise the blame for Brandi’s absence. He claims that the producers decided that after Brandi claimed she “licked Denise’s clit” there was nowhere left to go, they’d all heard enough from Brandi. And I suppose that’s how they justified it to themselves when Denise told them that she wouldn’t be on the reunion if Brandi was included, but I have to say, it’s a pretty lame excuse.

Dorit argues that if she were in Denise’s position, she wouldn’t want Brandi at the reunion, either.

Dorit then emphasizes to Denise that she does believe her. The problem is, for Dorit, when Denise does things like claim Brandi told her she had slept with women in the group, but then refuses to name names.

Kyle asks the group to raise their hand if they had slept with Brandi, and no one does, obviously.

Denise adds to the mystery by claiming that Brandi told her that she slept with one person in this group and a couple of people outside of the group. And everyone is like, “OK, COOL. WHO?” But Denise refuses to say because either she’s lying or she knows that keeping that information to herself retains her power over the others. Possibly both.

Andy Cohen then moves on to what ostensibly the women are really upset with Denise about: the shit she said about them behind their backs to Brandi. Denise’s story is that Brandi reached out to her after doing Teddi’s podcast, and Denise told Brandi that

  • Teddi is a shit-stirrer — which she said to Teddi’s face
  • Erika is condescending towards her — but she never called her a cold bitch
  • Rinna didn’t really turn on her

Teddi, however, wonders what Denise meant when she said in an interview that she said “way worse” about Teddi than what Brandi said she said. Denise claims that the only thing she has ever said about Teddi is that she’s a shit-stirrer, and that after Rome, she can definitively say that she doesn’t like Teddi.

Teddi’s like, “OK, but remember the part where you said in a talking head that you said, and I quote, ‘I actually said worse shit about Teddi than Brandi said I said, so that’s what I’m confused about.’ What did you mean by that?”

But Denise demands to know who Teddi heard that from, Brandi?


Denise, realizing that she can’t lie her way out of this one, calls them all “vicious.”

And with that, we head into part three of this cursed reunion. ONWARD.

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo.

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