The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
July 29, 2020
WELL, HELLO. LOOK WHO IT IS! IT’S ME! YOUR LONG LOST BLOGGER!
Sooooooo … The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills season 12 will debut on May 11. And I have an entire season plus seven episodes between me and season 12. I’m going to be honest: I’m not going to catch up by May 11. But I also am well aware that I ducked out of here just as things became really juicy on this show, what with the whole Denise and Brandi saga and Erika’s legal woes. So I’m back and revisiting episodes that literally aired almost two years ago.
It is what it is.
The first two groups arrive in Rome: Rinna, Kyle, and Teddi in one vehicle, Erika and Dorit in another. (Denise and Garcelle are on a flight that was delayed, and Sutton has passport issues that leave her stranded for another day.) As they drive into Rome from the airport — which is a much longer drive than your average airport drive — Kyle and Teddi fill Rinna in on all the garbage, and I mean ALL THE GARBAGE, that Brandi shared with them about Denise. Namely: that Denise was talking shit about Erika, Kyle, Teddi, and Rinna, and, you know, the whole having sex with Brandi thing.
Rinna is like, “Wait, rewind, tell me again what happened?” And Kyle and Teddi do a quick recap: Kim brought Brandi over to Kyle’s house while Teddi happened to be there for a visit that was completely spontaneous and totally not staged, and Brandi spilled all of these Denise beans. The thing Brandi was most upset about was that Denise basically threatened her to keep quiet about their tryst because her husband will kill her if he found out they had sex. Brandi thought Aaron and Denise had an understanding that she could sleep with women, and was distraught to find out she had participated in adultery.
Rinna, like Teddi and Kyle, is unsure what to do with this information (I mean in theory), and whether or not Brandi Glanville is someone they can trust.
Meanwhile, in the other car: Erika and Dorit burble about shopping.
The two cars arrive at the hotel, and the ladies do the whole requisite “Look how luxurious!” tour for their discount before dispersing into their individual rooms for a quick liedown.
Upon waking, they get dressed to go out for drinks, and Kyle checks in with Dorit about what she’s wearing. Dorit insists that she’s going very casual, just wearing a white shirt, black pants, and flat boots.
Dorit’s “casual” look:
Y’ALL, SHE GLUED FAKE PEARLS TO HER FACE. TO HER FACE.
The explanation for this nonsense? She, as a “fashion girl,” spent her 20s in Italy. What’s she going to do, not glue plastic to her face for a couple of cocktails with friends? Come on.
So they load up into a van and drive to what appears to be a charming hotel in the shadow of the Colesium, while repeatedly exclaiming, “WE’RE IN ROME!” and “OMG! WE’RE IN ROME!” and “THIS IS MIND-BLOWING, WE’RE IN ROME!”
Upon arriving at the hotel, the ladies order cocktails, and to Dorit’s horror, Kyle orders a margarita. And worse? She orders it in English. “ORDER SOMETHING ITALIAN!” Dorit yells in outrage in a talking head before promptly ordering a vodka soda.
You know, that classic Italian cocktail: a vodka soda.
And they discuss Erika’s upcoming performance in Broadway’s Chicago, and whether she will allow them to attend opening night (absolutely not).
As for where everyone else is: Garcelle and Denise have just landed, but they claim they’re just going to go straight to the hotel and go to bed.
Back at the bar, the women decide to play that dangerous game where they ask each other personal questions, and Rinna chooses “What was the most trouble you got into as a teenager?” Kyle reveals that when her mother found out she had sex for the first time, her mother called a family meeting to discuss it.
Kyle also reveals that it was Kim who caught her and tattled, which definitely explains a lot of that dynamic.
And that’s when Garcelle and Denise arrive, surprising the other women who thought they were headed back to the hotel. Teddi looks like she’s going to vomit from the stress of seeing Denise. That, or because she’s pregnant.
Garcelle asks the group what they think about her new boyfriend, “Chocolate Michael” joining her family for Thanksgiving, where her ex-husband “Vanilla Michael” will be in attendance, and the consensus is ABSOLUTELY NOT. Thanksgiving is an emotionally loaded holiday, there’s no reason to add unnecessary drama to it. And then, for some reason, Kyle mimics Rinna having sex with Harry Hamlin by throwing her legs into the air. So we can assume that 1. the tequila has kicked in and 2. it’s time for everyone to go to sleep.
The next morning, everyone prepares to go to the Spanish Steps and do a little shopping, and so everyone, obviously, dresses like a complete lunatic.
And by “everyone” I mostly mean Erika and Dorit. Erika goes for “Post-op Surgery Queen”:
Where Dorit ops for “Motorcycle Assassin Mannequin.”
They first head to Piazza del Popolo where Rinna claims that one of the twin churches in the plaza had been struck by lightning the night The Exorcist premiered in a nearby movie theater. A couple of things about this: the actual story is that lightning struck the cross on one of the churches, sending it crashing into the piazza below. But also, I can not find any source information on this story, so I’m not even sure which of these two churches it supposedly was — or even if the church in question was in Piazza del Popolo — or if it even happened. But it’s a good story!
The history lesson continues when Erika points out the obelisk of Rameses II, noting that there is a cross at the top to represent the dominance of Christianity over paganism. Erika smirks in an interview that it’s not her first time in Italy, before reminding us that she believes in past lives for some reason.
Erika then warns the women that the “statue” with the Pharoah mask on is actually a person, but they still jump and scream and run away when the statue “comes to life,” because they don’t listen.
Sutton eventually arrives and meets them at the Spanish Steps just in time for the shopping portion of the day. The women go to Fendi where they shop and shop and shop and Teddi does her level best to avoid talking to Denise. Much money is spent.
The ladies then shove their way to the front of Trevi Fountain to toss coins and take Instagram photos, like every single tourist in Rome.
The women then return to the hotel to prepare for dinner — which they are having at the hotel, so obviously glam squads and puffy skirts and wigs are applied liberally. At one point while getting ready with Rinna, one of Erika’s team mentions that Erika will be wearing a veil, prompting the other to say, “We’re going to a funeral … we won’t say whose yet …”
In the restaurant, Dorit’s “Italian” accent makes a reappearance while ordering “Cacio e Pepi …”
… prompting Kyle to wonder if this new accent will be coming home with her to be used at Bucca di Beppo.
Elsewhere, Sutton is making a stink about the wine.
Once Sutton has finished terrorizing the wait staff, she turns her attention to Garcelle to start what I think she thinks will be the big conflict of the night. Once she has everyone’s attention, she tells Garcelle that she did not appreciate her asking where her money came from, and Garcelle is like, “I can be too blunt sometimes. I apologize.” CRISIS AVERTED.
Garcelle then asks the table if they have gotten all their issues out, and Teddi is like, “NOT BY A LONG SHOT.”
… Oh wait, here’s the crisis.
Teddi begins revealing that “someone” told her some terrible things that Denise has said about her, namely that Denise thinks Teddi is “pathetic” and “desperate to fit into this friends group (read: be on the show)” and that she’s “living in [her] father’s shadow.” Denise is aghast and denies saying any of these things, and Teddi is like, “So you never said anything like that to Brandi Glanville?” Denise denies it again, claiming that she’s never said anything to Brandi at all, she hardly talks to Brandi, and has not spent much time with her.
Denise then admits that yes, she did Brandi’s podcast about six months ago, and yes, five days earlier at BravoCon, she said she was friendly with Brandi but other than that …
Kyle joins in at this point, noting that Brandi told them that it wasn’t just Teddi that Denise was shit talking — she also had negative things to say about Kyle, Rinna, and Erika.
“WHAT DID SHE SAY ABOUT ME?” demands Erika.
Kyle reveals that Brandi claims Denise said Erika was a “cold bitch” and that she didn’t like her. Denise denies this emphatically.
Dorit wonders if it’s possible Brandi made all of this up — after all, it is Brandi Glanville we’re talking about here. But Teddi insists that Brandi didn’t seem to have any reason to lie, and, in fact, she was very upset about what happened between herself and Denise at the podcast. Denise is like, “Nothing happened between us? She interviewed me about my cats?”
Kyle then hesitantly adds that Brandi said “a lot of stuff” including things that are between Denise and Brandi and have nothing to do with the rest of them. Garcelle demands that Teddi and Kyle just tell Denise what Brandi said, but Teddi is like, “Yeah, no, it’s really bad.” Denise warns them not to say anything “dangerous” on camera, and Teddi is like, “Well, it’s already on camera. There’s going to be more. It’s going to come out.”
Garcelle again urges Teddi to just say it, and after some prodding by Rinna, Teddi announces that she’s not going to torture Denise any longer: Brandi said that the two of them had sex.
Denise first laughs at the notion, and again, denies it.
Kyle then adds that Brandi said that Denise and Aaron had “an understanding” but that the day after they hooked up, Denise freaked out about Brandi not saying anything, that her doofus husband must not find out.
Denise, understandably, becomes emotional and says that she’s been going through “so much stuff” that has nothing to do with this show before trying to stop the filming by saying “BRAVO BRAVO BRAVO” as if it’s a magic incantation that turns off reality cameras.
Sorry, Hermione Granger, but it doesn’t work.
Denise, now teary, begs the crew to not air this because it’s simply not true, and Teddi tells Denise that she’s sorry for what she’s going through, a sentiment that RINGS A LITTLE HOLLOW RIGHT ABOUT NOW.
Erika urges Denise to figure this out with Brandi, and Kyle tries to tell her that whatever happened between herself and Brandi, they don’t care. Except that Denise cares! She cares very much! She’s a married woman who loves her husband. Denise adds that she’s said whatever she’s felt, and Kyle’s like, “OK, that’s where I think you’re not being truthful. Because the things you said about Teddi …”
Sutton interrupts to ask Teddi and Kyle if they’re more concerned about what was said about them, or what is being said about Denise. Teddi argues that it’s all tied together and that what Brandi said about her relationship with Denise is out there and will be coming out in a big way. Sutton is all, “DON’T TALK TO ME THAT WAY!” and even Denise is like, “I’m sorry, is this bitch trying to pretend she’s the victim here?”
Sutton then reveals in an interview that a few months ago a friend told her that Brandi and Denise had slept together. But why would she bring up a rumor like that? Especially at dinner? How gauche.
THE PLOT THICKENS.
Somehow this then turns into Dorit and Kyle screaming at one another about Teddi’s intentions and how Kyle isn’t letting Dorit finish her thought and everyone collectively decides that this is enough already and heads to bed because this shit isn’t going to be settled in one episode.
I will add that on her way out of the restaurant, Denise makes a comment to the effect that if they (Bravo) want her to be on the show, they’re going to have to cut all of this. OH, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED, LADY.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo.