‘The Bachelor’: WELCOME TO CHAOS

by Therese Odell, posted in the bachelor: season 26

The Bachelor
March 7, 2022

Well, here we are once again in the claustrophobic confines of the Bachelor Studio for the Women Tell All special (“special”) trapped with a bunch of overeager fans and their production-supplied posters; 17 contestants, most of whom you’ve already forgotten; and one new host who doesn’t know it yet, but is WAY in over his head.

Our contestant panel consists of: How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days; Tiny Bottles of Booze; Toy Car Villain; Family Heirloom; Dr. Kira; H-Town; Death Threat; Back to the Future; Monster Truck Villain; Olympian; Snake Charmer; German Sausage; Marinara; Tony the Tiger; Cake Girl; Teddi Bear; and That Snitch Serene.

Jesse Palmer opens with the classic “Take me back to the first night, what was it like meeting Clayton?” opener, but frankly, I don’t care what it was like meeting that toothy slab of beef.

After the first montage of all the early season drama with all the various villains, including Toy Car Villain, Monster Truck Villain, and that self-eliminating woman, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Jesse Palmer tries to start the conversation with the women, and it instantly devolves into utter Lovecraftian chaos.

Everyone has their knives out for Monster Truck Villain, which is hardly a surprise. The other women already disliked her for being an asshole towards them when she was still on the show and she was always going to be the focus of their ire. But remember, they have all now watched the season back and have seen the interviews Monster Truck Villain gave all season long in which she laughed about her manipulations and lies, and talked shit about everyone. So when I say these women are out for blood … it is a complete shrieking mess.

Jesse Palmer:

Eventually, Jesse Palmer is able to squeak over the screaming and chair-throwing, and announces that he’s actually going to begin the conversation with How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, asking why she sent herself home on that first night, and she’s like, “I didn’t like him, so why would I stick around?” One of the women huffs that it was unnecessary for her to shit talk him on her way out, and she’s like, “Dude, I was drunk.”

1. Points for honesty, and 2. I think in retrospect we can all agree that How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days is the real winner in all of this.

Jesse Palmer then turns his attention to Toy Car Villain, asking her why she took such an assertive approach with Clayton. She argues that she’s an assertive person, and she didn’t go in with the intention to intimidate the other women, she was just trying to get Clayton’s attention. 

The other women, namely Back to the Future, Death Threat, and H-Town, call Toy Car Villain arrogant, abrasive, and disrespectful. Toy Car Villain admits that her approach didn’t work out for her in the end, but insists that she was never disrespectful to the other women and never had a negative word to say about any of them. They remind her incredulously of all the times she said things like “game on, bitches,” and “move bitch,” and the time she told Tiny Bottles of Booze that she wasn’t going to remember her name because she looks just like everyone else.

BUT WHO AM I, LITTLE MISS SHITTY NICKNAMES, TO JUDGE HER FOR THAT?

They then discuss the fuckbuddy story. After first trying to deny it, Toy Car Villain announces she’s not going to be judged for having casual sex and adds, “I mean, why should I cut off a good thing unless I get engaged?”

This opens up Tiny Bottles of Booze to declare that having a side salad isn’t the most unforgivable thing that Toy Car Villain did — no, that would be how she coached Monster Truck Villain and turned her into the beast that would eventually terrorize the entire cast.

And with that, the women then turn their attention back to the show’s biggest villain (for the moment): Monster Truck Villain. Tiny Bottles of Booze makes a great point: there was no winning with Monster Truck Villain. If the women were nice to her, they were being “fake”; if they ignored her, they were bullies. H-Town invites Monster Truck Villain to “rot in Ohio,” (she later hilariously apologized to the state of Ohio), and then the whole thing just devolves back into chaos until Jesse Palmer invites Monster Truck Villain to join him in the proverbial “hot seat.”

As she approaches the stage, one of the women — not sure who — says that Monster Truck’s ass “looks terrible” that it looks like she’s “wearing a diaper.” It was tacky.

Jesse Palmer notes that things were calm at the beginning (mostly because everyone was focused on Toy Car Villain). So what happened? Monster Truck Villain blames Family Heirloom, claiming again that they were friends on the first night, but then Family Heirloom ignored her and became “toxic.” Family Heirloom politely disagrees that she had anything to do with Monster Truck Villain’s insane behavior.

But, for some reason, Monster Truck Villain’s bullying of Family Heirloom over her ADHD is not mentioned a single time.

NOT ONCE.

Instead, we hurry along to the trophy-throwing incident, and Monster Truck Villain’s admittedly fake apology. When pressed why she apologized if she didn’t mean it, Monster Truck Villain shrugs and says she did it for Clayton. He asked her to apologize, so she apologized. The women accuse her of lying not only to them, but to Clayton, but Monster Truck Villain, she don’t care. “AND I’D DO IT AGAIN,” she doesn’t yell back … but she’s thinking it.

Jesse Palmer invites Cake Girl to come join Monster Truck Villain on the couch because she was the one who eliminated Monster Truck Villain on the two-on-one date? Even though Family Heirloom, who set Monster Truck Villain off in the first place, and who was the real target of her bullying IS SITTING. RIGHT. THERE?

So, Cake Girl goes up there and explains that she and Monster Truck Villain made a pact on the way to Niagra Falls to not spend their time with Clayton talking about each other, but then Monster Truck Villain immediately broke that agreement by telling Clayton that Cake Girl was an “actress.” And I’m not saying that’s not shitty, I’m just wondering why anyone is surprised. YOU ALL KNOW SHE IS AN ASSHOLE, WHY IS THIS SUCH A SHOCK?

Just to double down on her assholery, Monster Truck Villain’s defense in all of this is to say that after she was eliminated, she grieved. She couldn’t sleep, she couldn’t eat, she lost weight. Meanwhile, she heard that the first thing Cake Girl did after she was eliminated was fuck Aaron (also known as “Aggro”) from Katie’s season.

Jesse Palmer’s MIND IS BLOWN! WHAT IS MONSTER TRUCK VILLAIN EVEN SAYING, THAT FORMER BACHELORETTE AND BACHELOR CONTESTANTS HOOK UP OUTSIDE THE SHOW????!!?! WHO HAS EVER HEARD OF SUCH A THING?

@aaronrclancy

Ok one more highly requested before I let this die #fyp #fypage #foryou #thebachelor

♬ original sound – ❦

Cake Girl denies that they hooked up, but does admit that they met at a bar. And again, I ask you: WHO CARES? Even if Cake Girl slept with Aggro, it would have been after she had been eliminated sent herself home, so why does any of this matter?

Cake Girl fires back that according to Aggro, Monster Truck Villain has been sliding into his DMs and that he thinks she’s crazy, but Monster Truck Villain insists that she has done no such thing, she’s just liked some of his posts. And that, dear reader, is when it occurs to me that this whole thing is an elaborate setup for a catfight between Cake Girl and Monster Truck Villain in Paradise.

Wrapping this up, Toy Car Villain urges Monster Truck Villain to own up to her mistakes and apologize to the other women, but Monster Truck Villain ain’t gonna because that’s her whole brand.

Next in the hot seat is Tony the Tiger, who was a surprise villain, arriving late in the third quarter. The women confront her over her claims that she was Clayton’s “rock” and that they cried together. When Jesse Palmer asks Tony whether Clayton actually cried with her, she answers that she’d rather not speak for Clayton, which, of course, is a cute way of saying, “No, I lied about that.”

Don’t worry, everyone assures her, we’ll be sure to ask Clayton when he comes out here whether he cried or not.

Next in the “hot seat” is Teddi Bear who talks about how being dumped by this talking garage freezer made her doubt her self-worth all over again. GIRL, THIS MAN IS NOT WORTH FEELING BAD OVER.

Oh, and she also reveals that one of Clayton’s brothers has been slipping into her DMs.

RUN AWAY FROM THIS ENTIRE CURSED FAMILY, BABY.

LISTEN TO PARDEEP:

The last woman to join Jesse Palmer is That Snitch Serene who confirms it was hard to watch being dumped all over again. She then yammers some generic Bachelorette audition shit about letting down her walls and being vulnerable and knowing that her person is out there somewhere.

Oh, Snitch, you were probably on the shortlist for the job, but after watching the Fantasy Suites episode, I’m pretty sure it’s going to someone else.

But also, you don’t want the job. Really, truly, for really, you don’t.

Finally, they bring Clayton out to atone for his sins (some of them). “IT LIKE DREAM. ME EMOTIONAL. ME MAKE BAD CHOICES.”

Back to the Future asks Clayton why he ignored EVERY SINGLE WOMAN IN THE HOUSE when they told him Monster Truck Villain was toxic and giving fake apologies. And Clayton is all, “Me need evidence.”

“WHAT IS MORE TANGIBLE EVIDENCE THAN THE ENTIRE HOUSE TELLING YOU THE SAME THING?” Back to the Future demands, but he neglects to answer that one for some reason.

H-Town follows up on this, saying that even after she and others told him what Monster Truck Villain was up to, he still made out with her. Just admit you had a better connection with her!

“Me have connection with Truck Villain. But she throw trophy. Throw trophy bad!”

In unison, the women point out that he kept Monster Truck Villain even after she did that and how disrespectful that was. Back to the Future scolds him that she was trying to help him, she had his back this entire time. But, Back to the Future points out (correctly), he seems to be confusing love with lust, and he needs to figure out the difference between those two before he can be a married man. He’s not there yet, she insists (correctly).

 Clayton turns to Monster Truck Villain and is all “Me thought genuine. Fake tears. You play game on Clayton.”

Monster Truck Villain counters that she was as honest and vulnerable as he asked them to be as the other women literally shriek in disbelief. But Clayton, sensing the opportunity to make someone else the bigger asshole on the stage that night, replies, “Me trusted you. Trust you bad.”

Jesse Palmer, along with most of the people watching, wonder what the difference was between Monster Truck Villain and Tony the Tiger: why believe the women about one of them, and not the other? And Clayton is all, “Ladies tell same story about Tony. Red flags. Playing game to get ladies go home.”

Tony the Tiger replies that when she watched everything back, she realized that the person stirring the pot the entire time was him, and she remains angry that he ended their relationship because of something some other women said, not because of something about their relationship.

Clayton is all, “Ladies all say same thing: you try send them home, me cry. Me no cry!”

Tiny Bottles of Booze is like, “Wait, so just to be clear, you didn’t cry with Tony?”

Clayton: “Me no cry.”

Tony the Tiger tries to claim she never said Clayton cried with her … just that they both cried a lot, so that’s, like, the same thing.

Actual reaction.

When we return from the commercial break, some women try to defend this hair ham: Olympian insists he’s not toxic, she’s dated actually toxic men; and Dr. Kira tells Clayton that if he’s available, so is she.

Clayton’s one positive move in the entire night is to tell That Snitch Serene that she made him realize that he was holding back his emotions. “Me no more hold back. Me tell ladies me love them. Everything happen because you.”

That Snitch Serene thanks him for his comments, not realizing that he’s basically placing the blame on her for the SHIT THAT IS ABOUT TO GO DOWN IN THE NEXT EPISODE.

And then there are bloopers, and I’m not going to talk about bloopers because bloopers are dumb except for this amazing video of my girlfriend Bachelor Groupie being her most Jennifer Coolidge self.

I LOVE HER SO MUCH. MAKE HER THE BACHELORETTE, YOU COWARDS.

Here are the ladies who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Clayton:

The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.

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