Bachelor in Paradise
September 28, 2021
We begin the penultimate episode mid-fight between Aggro and Bobby Fischer which started after Bobby Fischer took The Model — who Aggro has been pursuing — aside during the cocktail party for a little making out and hand-holding. The boy-men do the thing where they get in each other’s faces, so close they look like they might kiss, and puff up their chests, and challenge each other to “DO IT. DO IT, BRO.” No one does anything, and soon Aggro is stalking off down the beach, while Bobby Fischer is telling the others that it’s obvious now that Aggro is the troublemaker, the aggressive one in Paradise.
Aggro explains to whoever will listen that he is furious because Bobby Fischer had just that afternoon told him and James-in-a-Box that he wasn’t there to steal anyone’s rose, and then, moments later, he’s all over The Model. NOT COOL, MAN.
Meanwhile, Bobby Fischer is out here telling everyone that The Model asked him to talk: what’s he supposed to do, say no to a beautiful woman who might want to give him her rose?
Now, this is not how I remember the last episode going down, but it’s been a long week, and I’ve had other things on my mind like La Brea, so maybe? Maybe I missed the part where The Model asked Bobby Fischer to go talk and just made it up in my head that he approached her at the bar, and asked her to come talk to him? I am too old to remember the dumbest little details about these dumb people, and Bobby Fischer, he’s out here selling this story so hard to anyone who wants to hear it, and Aggro does have something of an anger problem, and The Model is nowhere to be found to confirm nor deny this, so sure? Maybe?
Aggro, who has by now heard that The Model pulled Bobby Fischer, returns to the larger group to apologize for flying off the handle and adds that he just took issue with Bobby Fischer saying he wasn’t going to chase someone else’s rose before doing just that. Bobby Fischer, with the backing of his friends, including Groany, is like, “What was I supposed to do? She asked to talk to me!”
But did she?
Because that’s when the producers provide the flashback showing Bobby Fischer approaching The Model at the bar, and asking if she’d like to go talk with him.
And it’s around this time that The Model reemerges from wherever she disapparated to, and everyone is like, “GIRL, THESE GROWN MEN ARE FIGHTING OVER YOU, AND YOU NEED TO CLEAR SOME THINGS UP.” The women fill her in that Aggro is upset that she talked to Bobby Fischer, and that Bobby Fischer is telling everyone that she asked to talk to him and The Model is like, “Let me stop you right there, I didn’t pull Bobby Fischer, he pulled me.”
Aggro asks to speak to The Model and asks for her to clarify whether or not she asked to talk to Bobby Fischer because he’s out here saying that she did and making him look like a ‘roided-out fool. She assures Aggro that Bobby Fischer asked to speak to her at the bar, not the other way around, and she promises she’ll clear this up with everyone.
The Model takes Bobby Fischer aside and is like, “Are you fucking kidding me? Going around telling everyone that I pulled you?”
Bobby Fischer all of a sudden:
Bobby Fischer doesn’t really offer an explanation for why he’s going around lying about The Model except he saw an opportunity and went for it? He just wants what’s best for her. The Model assures him that she will see to that, thanks.
And then it’s Rose Ceremony Time.
Before we get started, All-4-Wells asks to speak to Bobby Fischer privately about something that happened when they were sheltering at the hotel the night before.
Everyone in the Breakup Palapa is like, “The fuck is going on?” The women all confirm that Bobby Fischer didn’t come to any of their rooms, and the men are equally confused … except his hotel roommate Porn Stache who insists that they talked for a while, and then he went to bed and he has no idea what any of this is about.
At the beach, All-4-Wells is like, “Is there something you want to tell me?”
And Bobby Fischer just lays it all out: When Taxiderpy left, he realized he didn’t have a secure rose in Paradise, and he started freaking. So when they went to the hotel to shelter from the tropical storm, and he found out Alexa from Pilot Peter’s season was there — who I called “Denise Huxtable” because she gave off a very cool Denise Huxtable vibe — he went to her room and met her.
All-4-Wells is like, “Wait, how’d you know she was in the hotel? How did you know where to go to meet her? Were y’all communicating before the show, too?”
But Bobby Fischer insists they weren’t. He just happened to see her name and room number on a producer’s phone and as soon as the coast was clear, he went for it.
It was a super impulsive decision, love makes you do crazy things, and Bobby Fischer knows that he shouldn’t have gone around the system.
All-4-Wells encourages him to go tell the group what he did, and so, he returns to the Breakup Palapa and tells them everything-ish. He claims that Paradise has done a number on his brain and that the one person he wanted to meet there was Denise Huxtable. He was “able to figure out where she was in the hotel” the night before and spent a few hours talking with her on her balcony. He wants to tell everyone he’s sorry for going around the process to meet her and he’s especially sorry to The Model: if she had offered him her rose, he wasn’t planning on accepting it.
I was honestly fine with what Ivan did until he “pulled Chelsea”, lied about it, intended on taking her rose to get to Alexa, then lied and said he wasn’t going to accept her rose #BachelorInParadise pic.twitter.com/iMp4WqSPZn— Jas (@acandidmom) September 29, 2021
And with that, Bobby Fischer announces he’s leaving Paradise. Before he leaves, though, Groany McBad Joke, Esq. takes him aside and is like, “I DEFENDED YOU. YOU’RE STILL MY BROTHER, BUT I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED AND YOU HAVE TO DO BETTER.”
Finally, we get around to handing out roses:
Queen’s Gambit: Grocery Joe
Little Miss Nice: Porn Stache
Nip/Tuck: Groany McBad Joke, Esq.
Pageant Reina: Old Naked Guy
Bachelorette Becca: Half-Witted Villain
The Model: Aggro
Come Hither: Bubble Boy
Sooey Jr.: James-in-a-Box
Which means we say goodbye to Dr. Joe, Parachute Guy, and Pineapple Hair.
Y’all all seemed like nice enough guys (well, maybe not you, Pineapple Hair) but you arrived too late and you weren’t ever going to last here anyway. BYE.
The next morning, All-4-Wells informs everyone that their new host is on the beach waiting for them, and when they get down there, they find it’s … All-4-Wells. Who, honestly, should have just been the host the whole time, but I digress. (If they do give Jesse Palmer, that piece of white bread slathered in mayonnaise, the hosting gig of Paradise, too, we riot.) All-4-Wells reminds them that it is SERIOUS BUSINESS TIME now and that he’s seen people get married on this show SO HE’S SERIOUS: TAKE IT SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS. SERIOUSLY.
Among those worried about the status of her relationship is Pageant Reina, who explains that Old Naked Guy has been distant from her all morning. She takes him aside to talk, and this asshole, he turns it around on her: she‘s the one being distant, she‘s the one backing away from him.
MADAM. HE IS GASLIGHTING YOU. GET OUT.
Also happening in Paradise: the last new arrivals come in. First up: Anna from Pilot Peter’s season, who I called “TEETH,” because:
TEETH has a date card: “The rumors are true: Paradise is the perfect place to fall in love.” But first, she has to find someone to fall in love with. She asks to speak to Old Naked Guy first (JESUS CHRIST WHAT IS IT WITH THIS GUY? HE’S IN HIS 60s. HE HAS BAD TEETH. HE’S NOT CUTE), but he tells her that he’s not available.
She also tries talking to Half-Witted Villain, but he demurs as well, explaining that he’s in a good spot with Bachelorette Becca.
Finally, she asks James-in-a-Box, and he admits he’s not been on a single date yet, and he’d be thrilled to go with her.
Sooey Jr., she’s understandably disappointed but it’s not like they were in love or anything, so.
James-in-a-Box and TEETH head to the resort where they have a spa date. And by “spa date,” I mean they are forced to strip down and roll around in sugar and cinnamon and chocolate syrup before showering off just to have giant albino pythons plopped down on their backs.
They then are allowed to have some champagne and make conversation about their backgrounds. It’s boring, and the bottom line is Sooey, Jr. has been replaced.
Back in Paradise, All-4-Wells tries to encourage Little Miss Nice to express her feelings for Porn Stache because time is running out, and she’s like, “IT IS SO SCARY, THO.” So she’s definitely ready to get engaged and be married and be in an adult relationship.
Also arriving in Paradise that morning is Mykenna from Pilot Peter’s season, who I called “Mom Jeans” but should have called PUT YOUR TONGUE AWAY ALREADY.
She greets everyone before reading her date card: “Welcome to Paradise: Love like nobody’s watching.” She then begins asking to talk to the guys, all of whom agree to chat … but going on a date is another matter. Half-Witted Villain, Groany, and Bubble Boy all tell her that they’re pretty deep into relationships, so Mom Jeans takes a chance on Aggro, asking him in front of everyone to go on her date with him. Instead of accepting, he asks to speak to her privately.
On the beach, Aggro tells her he couldn’t be there for her emotionally on the date, and he’s just trying to be as respectful as he can to her. It’s nothing she did, it’s just shitty timing. Mom Jeans is clearly wounded but manages to not burst into tears until after he returns to the group.
Aggro informs everyone that he’s pretty sure Mom Jeans took his rejection pretty well.
Sooey, Jr. just takes a look over the balcony, and screams out to everyone else, “SHE’S CRYING! SHE’S CRYING!” which is certainly one approach to handle someone who is feeling humiliated and ashamed.
Bubble Boy, he heads down to the beach to talk to her and demand she take him on the date. Mom Jeans is like, “I think I’d rather just go home in abject disgrace, but thanks for the offer.” But Bubble Boy does not give up and is like, “Listen, you can’t fly home right now. You might as well stay the night, go on this date, and see what happens. What’s the worst that could happen?”
Mom Jeans eventually agrees to go on the date, and everyone cheers and applauds, and Come Hither is like, “EXCUSE ME, I AM LITERALLY RIGHT. HERE.“
Mom Jeans and Bubble Boy’s date takes them to the resort where they are given rollerblades and instructed to skate through the hotel. And I assume they don’t have any other guests staying there because what the actual fuck? Did they clear this with the ABC lawyers?
After skating for a bit, they end up in a disco-themed room where “dinner” is waiting for them, and Mom Jeans finds herself admitting in an interview that she had a great time, Bubble Boy has won her over, and her feelings about Paradise have taken a 180.
Back in Paradise, the producers have sent a bruja in to put a spell/curse on Pageant Reina and Old Naked Guy, and it is always a good sign that things are healthy in your relationship when YOU HAVE TO GET THE SUPERNATURAL INVOLVED. Anyway, part of their spell requires them to rub a candle over each other while saying what they love about the other one and Old Naked Guy says, “I dunno, I just feel some sort of connection or something.”
In the end, these two dingdongs think that the ritual worked, so what do I know.
Elsewhere, Porn Stache, prompted by the producers, decides that it’s time to tell Little Miss Nice how he feels about her, and takes her to one of the beach beds to profess his love. Her response? She winks at him.
The next morning, Little Miss Nice and Queen’s Gambit find a whole display inviting them all to “Paradise Prom” which has an ’80s theme, and Little Miss Nice, she loses her damn mind.
They show the invitation to the rest of the group, and everyone is super excited and go pick out their outfits from a couple of racks the producers picked up from Goodwill. Oh, and if you were wondering if there were some insufferable “promposals” that were clearly organized by production assistants, I assure you there were some insufferable “promposals” that were clearly organized by production assistants.
Pretty much everyone has a date except for Come Hither who has taken to her bed, claiming to be sick, and Sooey Jr. who mopes around Paradise, the odd woman out.
Finally, everyone (except Come Hither) in their 80s finest are driven over to the resort where they have a proper dance with a cover band, punch, balloons, and voting for various categories, including Prom King and Queen.
At one point in the night, the couples are slow-dancing, and Sooey, feeling dejected and lonely, stands off to the side by herself until Aggro approaches and asks to talk to her while The Model glares nearby. Aggro takes Sooey upstairs to a more private location where he offers her the corsage that he apparently did not offer The Model, and soon, they’re making out.
The Model, as you might imagine, is not amused, and accuses Aggro of ruining her prom.
But we don’t dwell on it because All-4-Wells is here to make some announcements:
Biggest Flirt: Old Naked Guy
Best Kisser … of Toes: Nip/Tuck
Most Likely to Live Happily Ever After: Porn Stache and Little Miss Nice (and …. let’s just stick a pin in that one)
Prom King and Queen: Grocery Joe and Queen’s Gambit
So, after the balloon drop and the dancing, Porn Stache asks Little Miss Nice to go talk with him, and Little Miss Nice, planning on telling him that she loves him, happily agrees.
They find a quiet stairwell, and there Porn Stache tells her that he has strong feelings for her, but that things are about to get more serious, and he can’t shake the idea that she’s not actually his person, and he’s worried that they are just putting off the inevitable.
Little Miss Nice is like, “EXCUSE ME, YOU TOLD ME LESS THAN 24 HOURS AGO THAT YOU WERE IN LOVE WITH ME, WHAT IS HAPPENING?”
But Porn Stache is all, “I can only do what feels right.” So Little Miss Nice does what feels right to her: she rips off the corsage he gave her and stomps off. When he tries to follow her, she announces she’s going to the bathroom to have a good sob.
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.