‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Taking out the trash

Bachelor in Paradise
September 14, 2021

We begin this episode with the rose ceremony. Well, not the rose ceremony … technically we begin the episode with the women freaking out about the rose ceremony and how five of them are headed home. Which is admittedly a lot of people going home!

The women also discuss the whole Waiting Chris/Lady and the Tramp mess again, and Come Hither is like, “Y’all do remember that Bowtie and Mrs. James did the same damn thing to me, right? Y’all do remember that though?” And Red Flag says what I said in the previous recap, which is that Bowtie is being let off easy because he has friends in Paradise, whereas no one had any idea who this Waiting Chris guy was and therefore no inclination to give him a pass.

So, everyone goes to the Breakup Palapa where Tituss mentions his “Tit-Ass party” one last glorious time and scolds that people should not come to Paradise looking for screentime and followers. DO YOU HEAR THAT, BOWTIE AND MRS. JAMES?

And with that, Tituss leaves Paradise and everyone wondering who, exactly, he was again.

He’s not a pendejo. I love Tituss Burgess. His face is my avatar on Netflix.

As the cocktail party gets started, Come Hither reminds everyone that Bowtie and Mrs. James did the exact same thing that Waiting Chris and Lady and the Tramp did to Not Doormat — and may have actually been much worse in their duplicity. For instance, he lied and told Come Hither that he had only hung out with Mrs. James twice before Paradise, and Mrs. James said it was more like 10 times. In fact, they hung out the night before he came to Mexico.

Grocery Joe, for one (literally, the only man because the rest are buds with Bowtie), is OUTRAGED, and he and a posse of the women decide it’s time to confront Bowtie and Mrs. James.

So Grocery Joe and the women are like “HEY, ASSHOLES, WERE Y’ALL DATING BEFORE PARADISE?” Bowtie sighs exasperatedly: he’s already been over this with Come Hither and she needs to get over it already. Yes, he and Mrs. James did meet before Paradise, but they only went on like two or three (or ten) dates. But it’s not like they discussed being boyfriend and girlfriend or being exclusive or anything like that. He tried dating Come Hither, but what they had was void of romance and he doesn’t owe Come Hither anything.

Red Flag asks if it’s true that he was with Mrs. James the day before he came to Paradise, and he’s like, “… yes …” and everyone is all, “OH COME ON.” Bowtie tries to argue that he and Mrs. James have spent much more time together here in Paradise than they did outside of it, and Mrs. James gets all sassy with the others sniping that she knows “they wrote the rule book on Paradise,” and admits that she did come to Paradise to meet Bowtie. “WHAT OF IT. THERE ARE NO RULES TO PARADISE,” she insists.

Everyone is like, “There are no rules, except that the rest of us came here in good faith that everyone in Paradise was going to be open to making a connection, not waiting around for their already established girlfriend or boyfriend to show up and using people in the meantime.”

Bowtie, realizing they have lost this conversation, announces he appreciates everyone’s concern, but that he has nothing else to talk about and he’ll be “removing [himself] from this.”

“From Paradise or this conversation,” Nip/Tuck asks, legitimately asking for clarification. But Bowtie snaps at her that “THIS DOESN’T CONCERN YOU,” and everyone is like, “WHOA, WHOA WHOA, DON’T BE AN ASSHOLE.”

The groups part ways, and Bowtie and Mrs. James pout about how wronged they’ve been. Bowtie hisses that Windmill Costume is just bitter because no one is interested in her and Come Hither is angry because she has a zero chance at being in a real relationship. And there’s no one there to scream in his stupid face that “YEAH, THAT’S BECAUSE YOU MONOPOLIZED HER TIME AND PREVENTED HER FROM GETTING TO KNOW SOMEONE ELSE.”

As for Mrs. James, she doesn’t understand why everyone is so mad at them for wanting to amass followers: that’s what being on these shows is all about, right? And anyway, she doesn’t need this show for followers, she has a master’s degree in marketing and can figure out to generate more followers ALL ON HER OWN.

These two are terrible.

The rest of Paradise know they don’t have the power to remove Bowtie and Mrs. James …

… and they just have to wait and see what these two selfish assholes decide to do.

Meanwhile, Bowtie and Mrs. James discuss their options: Bowtie asks if she wants to leave Paradise with him and she harumphs that she wishes she could rewind time and not come in the first place.

Eventually, Bowtie and Mrs. James approach the group and announce that this is not the “environment” they want to be in anymore, and they are taking their shitty plan and going home.


That bit of terribleness done, the party can get back to business. And taking that mission to heart are Nip/Tuck and Groany, who, right there on the beach, in full view of everyone, begin licking whipped cream off of one another. At one point, and dear reader, I regret to have to tell you this, but at one point, Nip/Tuck sucks whipped cream right off of Groany’s big toe.


They eventually take this act behind closed doors, where it SHOULD HAVE BEGUN AND REMAINED.

Elsewhere, it’s Rowdy Roddy Piper’s birthday, and it would appear that as a gift, Half-Witted Villain is giving her a one-way ticket back home. Rowdy takes him aside to talk, and tells him that she likes him a lot, that he’s her “best friend.”

She then tells him that she doesn’t want to hear about his date with Bachelorette Becca, she just wants him to tell her that he’s going to choose her, and Half-Witted Villain is like, “Yeah, I’m not going to do that, sorry. I have feelings for someone else and I don’t feel bad about it.”

Rowdy is SHOCKED! and OUTRAGED! and tells Half-Witted that she’s not going to give up on him without a fight: she wants him in her life. But he’s like, “OK, but that’s not going to happen, and I’m not sorry about it.” Rowdy howls that she was a fool for trusting him, and he assures her that she’s “amazing and sweet, worthy and capable,” but she hisses back THAT SHE DOES NOT NEED HIM TO TELL HER THAT.

With that, she goes off to have a good cry with Not Doormat and Nip/Tuck, and complains in an interview that she gave Half-Witted Villain “everything.”

A reminder: she knew him for maybe — MAYBE! — 5 days.

Also, Rowdy points out, it’s her birthday. SHE GOT COVID ON HER BIRTHDAY LAST YEAR AND THIS IS “TEN TIMES WORSE.”

Finally, it’s rose ceremony time. But before roses are handed out, before they begin, All-4-Wells announces that it’s unfortunate that people came to Paradise to lie and manipulate them. To make things right, he’s giving Come Hither a rose so she can have a real chance at finding love.

Show: Come Hither

As for the rest of the roses:

Groany: Nip/Tuck
Grocery Joe: Queen’s Gambit
Bobby Fischer: Taxiderpy
Porn Stache: Little Miss Nice
Old Naked Guy: Paegent Reina
James-in-a-Box: Sooey Jr.
Half-Witted Villain: Bachelorette Becca
Aggro: The Model

Which means we say our goodbyes to Windmill Costume, Not Doormat, Red Flag, and the birthday girl, Rowdy Roddy Piper. Paradise is going to be a lot less insane without Red Flag, bless her lunatic heart.

On the upside, Rowdy Roddy Piper enjoys a cupcake in the Ve a Casa Ahora van.

But the night’s not done yet, because before everyone is allowed to go back to bed, they meet their next — and final — host: Lil Jon.

He warns the assembled that the women have the roses this week, so the men need to step up their game lest someone new come in and snatch up their girls. He then sprays them with champagne, which is just a waste of champagne.

The next morning, the first of the new arrivals makes his way into Paradise: Blake from Clare and Tayshia’s season who I nicknamed “Pineapple Hair,” because my God, look at his hair:

“Pineapple Hair” = Blake Monar

The pineappleness really shines in this photo:

So Pineapple Hair walks in and chats with the two most available women, Sooey Jr. and Come Hither, and chooses to take Sooey on his date: “You made it. Get ready for the ride of your life.”

Meanwhile, James-in-a-Box mopes around Paradise for a while because apparently, he thought he had a thing with Sooey? Since when, I’m not sure, the show certainly didn’t show us this. Though to be fair, I think it’s less that he’s upset that someone he had feelings for is out on a date, and more that his only shot at receiving a rose is out on a date.

As for the date, Sooey and Pineapple Hair drive dune buggies around in the jungle for a while, before sitting and chatting about the concept of “soulmates.” Sooey is VERY into him, explaining after a beach shower that he makes her, and I quote, “vagina dance.”

Sooey’s bible group watching from home:

Other vaginas dancing that night include Pageant Reina’s, as she and Old Naked Guy take a tour of the Boom Boom Room. He shows her the highlights, having already spent some time there with SOMEONE ELSE.

The next day, another new man arrives in Paradise: Joe from Clare and Tayshia’s season, who I called “Dr. Joe” because his name is Joe and he’s a doctor, the kind of creativity worthy of a Pulitzer, I tell ya.

“Dr. Joe” = Joe (Clare and Tayshia’s season)

Dr. Joe arrives to cheers in Paradise — because everyone loves Dr. Joe — and reads his date card: “Paging Dr. Joe: It’s your time to find love.” He asks to speak with Come Hither, and after some flirty banter and discussion about how hard it is to date, Dr. Joe asks Come Hither to join him on his date. She enthusiastically agrees and everyone is VERY HAPPY FOR HER because finally, a nice guy for our girl.

Dr. Joe and Come Hither go to the resort where they have dinner and enjoy the world’s largest comedy prop margaritas:

At dinner, they talk about why they chose to come to Paradise and they are making a connection and they are definitely vibing.

But. The producers decide now is the time to reveal to the audience via conversations in Paradise that Dr. Joe is best friends with … Bowtie, creating a dramatic irony timebomb.

At dinner, Dr. Joe asks Come Hither why she’s not attached in Paradise, and she explains that she was … but it was short-lived. She goes on to note that she knows Dr. Joe and Bowtie are close — Bowtie talked a lot about how excited he was for Dr. Joe to arrive in Paradise. But the thing is? His buddy Bowtie is a garbage person. Come Hither explains that if she’s honest, he almost ruined the entire experience for her.

And Dr. Joe’s response? “Bowtie? My Bowtie?”

Come Hither explains explicitly that she and Bowtie spent time together in Paradise, but she didn’t realize that he was just securing a place there to wait for Mrs. James to arrive. He jeopardized Come Hither’s entire experience in Paradise for his own selfish reasons. Come Hither then asks Dr. Joe if he knew Bowtie and Come Hither were dating, and Dr. Joe, his response is less than satisfactory: “I didn’t know they were dating dating.”

Dr. Joe sighs about the whole mess and is disappointed that the guy who hurt her just had to be his BFF. The point is, she’s beautiful, and they’ll just see where this thing goes. What will be will be. In other words: this ain’t gonna work out, as Come Hither notes in an interview. “At this point, how could things get worse?” she wonders. GIRL, DO NOT TEMPT THE UNIVERSE, IT IS ALREADY OUT TO GET YOU.

The next day, Grocery Joe and Queen’s Gambit spend the entire day together and that night, he plans a little picnic for her on the beach. There, Queen’s Gambit confesses that she’s falling in love with him and he reciprocates the sentiment.

Meanwhile, watching all of this go down from five feet away are Taxiderpy and Bobby Fischer, who, bless his heart, tries to kiss her, but she’s like, “NOT NOW, BOBBY FISCHER.” Taxiderpy finally seems to realize that she and Grocery Joe are not getting back together, not ever. Taxiderpy then stumbles around the beach in something of a daze.

I feel ya, Dad.

Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.

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