‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Tit-Ass Party Poopers

by Therese Odell, posted in bachelor in paradise: season 7

Bachelor in Paradise
September 7, 2021

It’s morning in Paradise, and I refuse to go over who the couples are because 1. if you are on a recap of the seventh episode of this nonsense, you certainly know by now, and 2. I don’t wanna. I will remind you that the men have the roses, and thus the power, and boy are they making the most of it. Old Naked Guy alone has four different twenty-somethings vying for him, and Bowtie over here, has schemed to stay in Paradise long enough so that he can dump one Come Hither to be with his Before-Paradise girlfriend, Mrs. James.

Now you’re all caught up.

Paradise welcomes its next host, one delightful Tituss Burgess who it is clear none of these people are familiar with. (“I think he was on Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt,” one dummy whispers to another dummy, but still clearly unsure, and probably fed that information by a producer.) And based on his big, showy, Broadway entrance, Burgess is not exactly acting in Kimmy Schmidt.

After his big jazz hands entrance, Tituss announces that he’s throwing a party that evening, and not just any party but as my closed captions hilariously keep writing out, a “Tit-ass” party (pronounced “tight-ass” party). I now have the theme for my next birthday party.

But not everyone is invited to the “Tit-ass” party, as it’s for V.I.P.s only, though once there, Tituss hints, they might recognize some other V.I.P.s in attendance.

As for who made the list from Paradise:

  • Bachelorette Becca
  • Aggro
  • Porn Stache
  • Little Miss Nice
  • Old Naked Guy
  • Not Doormat
  • Groany McBad Joke, Esq
  • Waiting Chris
  • Windmill Costume
  • James-in-a-Box
  • Half-Witted Villain
  • Red Flag

As for all the rest of them:

The “V.I.P.s” prepare for their party while those left behind begin what becomes an escalating spiral of anxiety and worry over what they are missing. Pageant Reina, Nip/Tuck, and Rowdy Roddy Piper, in particular, begin what will be for them a very long, busy night of FREAKING OUT.

The “V.I.P.s” arrive at their “V.I.P.” party, which is ultimately just a sad, empty dance club at the resort where they start doing shots and begin dancing with the same people they’ve been trapped with for days already.

Eventually, Tituss arrives and announces that he has brought along with him some special guests. In walk:

Chelsea, from Matt James’ season, who I called “The Model” because she’s literally a runway model:

The Model = Chelsea. (ABC/Craig Sjodin)

Alana, from Matt James’ season, who I called “Lady and the Tramp” because upon meeting Matt James, she handed him a bowl of noodles and made him do the stupid Lady and the Tramp thing.

Lady and the Tramp = Alana. (ABC/Craig Sjodin)

Alayah from Pilot Peter’s season, who I called “Miss Texas,” because she was a Miss Texas:

“Miss Texas” = Alayah

… and Mykenna from Pilot Peter’s season, who I called “Mom Jeans” on account of the Mom Jeans seen below, but who became a lot more famous for what she would do with her tongue.

“Mom Jeans” = Mykenna

Her.

But don’t get too excited about errant tongue action, because we barely see crazy Mom Jeans at this party. 

No, instead, we spend A LOT of time with Lady and the Tramp because it turns out this First Night Reject has been hooking up with fellow First Night Reject, Waiting Chris, outside the show, and we’ve got another Bowtie/Mrs. James situation on our hands.

Waiting Chris (whose nickname just became a lot more relevant, as he was waiting for Lady and the Tramp this entire time) and Lady and the Tramp step outside the party to chat, where he notes that he’s a little worried about what Not Doormat is going to think. But not worried too terribly much because they immediately start making out. 

And Not Doormat, she walks in on them.

Not Doormat returns to the party, followed by Waiting Chris and Lady. Waiting Chris takes Not Doormat aside to have the “it’s been great getting to know you, and you’re such a sweetheart but …” conversation, and Lady and the Tramp has THE GALL to try to interrupt them to take Waiting Chris away. Not Doormat, true to her name, is like, “NO MA’AM. ABSOLUTELY NOT.”

After, Waiting Chris says in an interview that Lady is a “curveball” and that she gives him the thing that he was missing in his relationship with Not Doormat. “Welcome to Paradise!” this doofus adds.

Tituss then brings everyone to a theater where they are forced to politely listen to some former Disney star sing some of her new “hits.” But Not Doormat is like, “FUCK THIS NOISE,” and puts herself in a van back to Paradise.

Upon returning to Paradise, Not Doormat tells the other women what Waiting Chris did and there is a lot of crying. Then for some reason, Nip/Tuck of all people is squatting on the beach, sobbing and wailing that she WANTS TO GO HOME!

 

The next morning, Pageant Reina takes Old Naked Guy aside, again, to tell him that she wants him back. He suggests that she is only interested in him because he has the rose, and she’s like, “Well, fair point,” before explaining that the reason she wanted to go on dates with other men was to make 100% sure Old Naked Guy was the one for her. However, going through all of this, watching him go on dates with other women and sleep with other women, gave her that clarity that she needed. Clarity, I guess, to know that he will swiftly move on to someone else’s pants within an hour of things turning south between y’all? I suppose that is information of some sort. Pageant Reina tells Old Naked Guy that she would leave Paradise today with him, and I guess he likes what he hears because he says he would leave with her, too.

But before that can happen, he has a Red Flag issue to deal with.

Old Naked Guy takes Red Flag aside to have the “it’s been great getting to know you, and you’re such a sweetheart but …” talk but Red Flag is NOT HEARING IT, despite this being the second time he’s tried to have this conversation with her. “WHY DO YOU WANT HER? SHE’S MEAN! SHE’S STUCK UP! SHE’S EVIL! SHE’S A PAGEANT GIRL! I SAID I WOULDN’T GO ON OTHER DATES! I HAD SEX WITH YOU! I DESERVE BETTER! YOU AND PAGEANT REINA CAN BOTH SUCK MY ASS! I’M GOING TO BURN THIS WHOLE BEACH DOWN!”

So, you know, she was cool with it.

As for Waiting Chris, he spends the morning in a performative mope, wandering around the beach, head down, looking for all the world like he’s Very Sad About Everything. Which is probably the only posture to take as everyone on the beach is talking shit about him, furious with him for being so disrespectful to Not Doormat. (Even though an argument could be made that Not Doormat treated Bobby Fischer the exact same way Waiting Chris treated her, so.)

But his mopeyness doesn’t last very long, as Lady and the Tramp soon arrives at Paradise, where, greeted by Tituss, she announces her intention to go after Waiting Chris, even though he already has a “connection” in Paradise. She’s “putting [herself] first.” Tituss gives her a date card and sends her inside to “go get [her] man.”

After greeting everyone, she reads her date card: “Keep bringing that big Paradise energy!” and immediately asks Waiting Chris if he’ll go on the date with her. Instead of accepting right away, he takes her aside to chat. There, he assures her that he does want to go on the date, but that he needs to talk to Not Doormat first. “Sure, whatever, just don’t be such a fucking downer on the date,” she orders.

The two return to the group, and Waiting Chris makes an announcement: “We’re going on the date and I know that is going to upset a lot of you guys. But I’m following my heart, I have to do that.”

Everyone in Paradise:

Before they leave, though, Waiting Chris approaches Not Doormat, explaining that he owes it to her to talk to her. Not Doormat, once again living up to her nickname, is NOT INTERESTED. “You don’t owe me anything. You showed me who you were last night. There’s nothing to talk about.” And with that, he sulks away.

As for their date, Waiting Chris and Lady and the Tramp go ziplining, all the while he’s burbling the Bachelor in Paradise script, about wanting to find the person he will spend the rest of his life with, and following his heart and all that other garbage.

After ziplining, they hang out on some patio where they laugh about how he’s going to keep her around for another week, and that “it was about time [she] showed up to Paradise,” which sounds an awful lot like they definitely planned this. They then struggle to find a comfortable make-out position while some dogs eat their snack plate.

The true heroes of Paradise.

Meanwhile, back in Paradise, everyone is getting REAL worked up at the idea that Waiting Chris and Lady and the Tramp might have been dating before arriving in Paradise — even though that’s EXACTLY what Bowtie and Mrs. James had been up to, too, and no one seems to be upset about that, except for poor Come Hither.

My guess is that the big difference is that Waiting Chris was sent home on The Bachelorette on the first night, and therefore has no real bros in Paradise, as opposed to Bowtie who is surrounded by bros he spent weeks with and who are less willing to be critical of him.

In any event, Grocery Joe, Groany McBad Joke, and Not Doormat, in particular, are getting FIRED UP about Waiting Chris and Lady and the Tramp’s supposed deceit, and have decided they need to leave Paradise. Immediately.

Also happening in Paradise: The Model arrives with a date card, and proceeds to talk to the two tallest guys available: Half-witted Villain and Aggro. Aggro makes her laugh more, so she asks him on the date, and he happily agrees to Bachelorette Becca’s (sorta) (kinda) disappointment.

Aggro and The Model go on a beach horseback ride. It’s boring. I’m bored.

Soon after, a date card arrives for Bachelorette Becca: “There’s no better place than Paradise for a fresh start.” With Aggro off on a date with The Model, there is only one other man Bachelorette Becca is interested in inviting: his mortal enemy Half-Witted Villain. But! Bachelorette Becca is not a monster, so she takes Rowdy Roddy Piper aside first and asks if it would be OK with her to ask Half-Witted Villain. Rowdy, trying hard to be cool, is like, “SURE, FINE, THAT’S GREAT, IN FACT, IF YOU HADN’T ASKED, I WAS GOING TO SUGGEST THAT YOU ASK HIM OUT, THAT’S HOW CONFIDENT I AM, EVERYTHING IS FINE!” (Spoiler alert, she’s not fine with it.)

Anyway, Half-Witted Villain happily agrees to go on the date, they have dinner at the resort, there are mariachis, it’s boring.

BORED NOW

And back in Paradise, it’s Rowdy Roddy Piper’s turn to squat in the sand and sob like a lunatic.

So, when Aggro returns from his date with The Model, and he learns that Half-Witted Villain went on a date with Bachelorette Becca, he’s not upset that Bachelorette Becca is on a date with his worst enemy, but instead, DELIGHTED that Rowdy Roddy Piper is having a meltdown. “SHE DESERVES TO CRY,” he says which seems … like a lot.

Also returning to Paradise are Waiting Chris and Lady and the Tramp, completely oblivious that they are about to be murderized by the other Paradise residents. Waiting Chris and Lady and the Tramp have one last blissfully ignorant moment together, and Waiting Chris happily burbles in an interview that he’s about to “go on [his] journey.” Indeed, Waiting Chris, I see a trip in your immediate future.

As soon as they walk back into Paradise, Grocery Joe asks to speak to Waiting Chris. Grocery Joe explains that things have been uncomfortable in Paradise since he left for his date, and he and Groany have a few questions: namely, how he could go from being so solid with Not Doormat to hooking up with Lady and the Tramp within five minutes of meeting her? Or “meeting” her. Waiting Chris mumbles about having explained it to Rowdy, but Grocery Joe is like, “I don’t care what you had to say to Rowdy about it, you were going around telling people that you and Not Doormat were the strongest couple in Paradise …”

“… until you had your tongue down another woman’s throat in front of Not Doormat,” adds Groany.

And then Not Doormat gets involved, yelling at Waiting Chris that he made her feel like he came to Paradise for her, but clearly, he had something going on with Lady and the Tramp the whole time. He denies this, insisting that he just found “that spark” with Lady that was missing with Not Doormat. But the group accuses him of looking for Instagram clout, having been kicked off The Bachelorette in the first week.

Lady and the Tramp interjects to ask if anyone wants to know what she thinks, and without missing a beat:

Not Doormat: NO.

Groany: You’re good. Thank you though.

Not Doormat turns her attention back to Waiting Chris who she accuses of using her from day one. If he wants to “follow his heart” he’s welcome to do so OUT OF PARADISE. Waiting Chris and Lady and the Tramp can pack their bags and ride out of Paradise together.

Grocery Joe reminds Waiting Chris that the point of Paradise is to meet someone there, not to meet someone before the show and then continue to date them while on a free vacation. Waiting Chris sputters that he doesn’t know what to say, and Groany and Not Doormat are like, “BYE.”

Waiting Chris then takes Lady and the Tramp aside and apologizes: this is the last thing he expected to happen, but everyone has turned on him. Lady suggests that maybe he try to make up with Not Doormat, and he’s like, “Yeeaaaah, that’s not going to happen.”

It is NOT going to happen.

He sighs that they just don’t believe him no matter what he says or does. With that, he announces he is leaving Paradise and wonders if she’s willing to leave with him.

Lady is EXASPERATED: she just arrived 24 hours earlier, THIS IS RIDICULOUS. And as for leaving Paradise with him, that is not going to happen. She might have to leave Paradise thanks to this mess, but she won’t be doing it with him, thanks.

Waiting Chris mopes to his room and packs his bag. And when he tries to get into the Ve a Casa Ahora van, he discovers that Lady and the Tramp is already inside. She orders him to get out. It’s the most pathetic departure from Paradise ever.

Meanwhile:

Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.

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