‘The Bachelorette’: The library is open.

by Therese Odell, posted in the bachelorette: season 17

The Bachelorette
July 12, 2021

Kaitlyn and Tayshia swing by Katie’s suite to begin this week, where they hear an episode of Seinfeld‘s Katie’s dumb idea to challenge the men to a “master of their domain” contest, and Kaitlyn and Tayshia agree that this will be “fun.” Will it? Will it, though? Or will it just force us to think about these men abusing themselves in their downtime so that the Bachelorette producers can claim that this season is not afraid to talk frankly about sex?

Also, what am I doing here? Why do I abuse myself this way?

In any event, Kaitlyn goes and breaks the news to the guys that Katie wants them to try to not play with themselves for one whole week, and claims they are calling it “Operation WOWO,” for “Week Off Wanking Off.”

The men’s response is not so much, “ha-ha, how funny,” as it is complete stunned silence, except for The New Virgin who is all, “LOL, these other guys are screwed, but I’ve been doing this my whole life.” 

Wait … I have questions. He doesn’t have sex and he doesn’t masturbate …  has anyone ever given our friend The New Virgin this quiz?

As for who the men think will be the Kramer in this situation, their money is on Grizzly Adams:

Kaitlyn also delivers the first date card of the week: “Great Face: I can picture a future with you. Love, Katie.” He’s excited, whatever.

Meanwhile, Cold Fish is over here telling Cousin Greg that he wouldn’t be surprised if Cousin Greg receives the other one-on-one date this week. As a “superfan” of the show, Cold Fish knows that there’s often one person who receives two one-on-one dates, and that it is usually the person who received the first one-on-one. Cold Fish then goes on to claim that he thinks he knows Katie’s top four and that it will be Cousin Greg, Cat Man, himself and ??? Cousin Greg is like, “Cool? I guess?”

Later, Oh Canada, James-in-a-Box, and Aggro are chatting about the fact that Cold Fish has this whole “top four” list and seems to be a Bachelorette historian, which just makes all of them even more suspicious of him and that he’s going by some sort of “playbook.” The playbook being entitled “Watching a Few Episodes of This Stupid Show and Realizing That Human Behavior is as Predictable as it is Dumb.”

I, however, am just sitting here kicking myself for not naming Oh Canada, “Johnny Bravo.”

As for Katie’s date with Great Face, I regret to report that it is yet another, “Let’s put on wedding clothes and take pictures” date. They meet Franco out in the woods where he separates them and instructs them to write their wedding vows to one another, which is a totally normal thing to do on a first date. Franco doesn’t help matters when he tells Great Face that whatever comes out of his mouth when they exchange vows must be “marvelous” and “iconic” and “something she’s never heard before,” which, you know, no pressure, dude.

So, Katie puts on a backless wedding dress and stares into a mirror while yammering about how excited she is in a voice-over, before making her way to Great Face at the “altar.” There, they exchange their vows which are full of generic language about “protecting” each other’s hearts, and how their marriage is a “canvas” onto which they should paint something beautiful, and I just will never understand why the producers love these fake wedding dates, they’re so stilted and weird.

They then pose for a bunch of fake wedding photos with Franco and they smash wedding cake in each other’s faces. And even though this is an entirely fake wedding, NO. DO NOT. It’s not cute, it’s not funny, it’s just a signal that you’ll be divorced soon.

At dinner, Katie shares with Great Face that walking down the pretend aisle to their pretend wedding was hard for her because DEAD DAD. Dead Dad won’t be there to walk her down the aisle, he won’t be able to give his blessing, he won’t be there to dance at her wedding. Katie then goes on to reveal a twist! in her Dead Dad story, which is that Dead Dad isn’t actually her biological father.

Yep. Her mother apparently kept Katie’s true parentage from her until a little while before Dead Dad’s death and now this guy, Real Dad, he wants to be in her life and stuff, and it’s uncomfortable because Katie’s like, “WHO ARE YOU?” and any time she tries to bond with him, it just reminds her of Dead Dad.

Great Face is like, “Well that is a lot of information all at once, so thanks for sharing? I guess?” And she offers him a rose before going outside to stand around while some guy named “Max,” just … “Max”  … sings at them.

Back at the “house,” the men receive the next date card: “Grizzly Adams; Accent Guy; Michael Bluth; Cousin Greg; Aggro; The New Virgin; Oh Canada; James-in-a-Box; Ball Pit; Cold Fish: This queen is looking for her king. Love, Katie.”

This means Cat Man will receive the final date of the week, and he’s giddy.

The poor dear.

On the group date, Katie brings the men to a theater where she introduces them to two of RuPaul’s All-Stars, Monét X Change, and Shea Couleé.

YAAAAAAAAAAS MORE OF THIS.

Grizzly Adams notes that he’s never met a drag queen before, while Michael Bluth here, he calls them “beautiful” and insists that if it’s “drag day,” he’s prepared to go all the way. The man is a literal angel.

The men are not going to have to tuck, unfortunately, but instead are expected to compete in what they are calling the “great royal debate.” Basically, they are expected to read each other. Monet X Change offers an example, picking on Cold Fish and asking if his mother signed a permission slip for him to be there, before turning to Aggro and telling him that she heard he was tall, handsome, and not that smart, which is not true! He’s not tall and he’s not handsome.

With that, the men are sent to their respective corners to write insults about one another, and as most of the men note, Cold Fish should be worried.

At one point, Monet X Change checks in on Cold Fish within earshot of Ball Pit, and notes that she heard he needs to be ready for the other men to come for him. She then asks Cold Fish if he feels like he’s falling in love with Katie, and he’s all, “Well, I don’t throw that term around lightly, I don’t want to cheapen what we have.”

Ball Pit:

The men are then brought out for “The Great Royal Debate” which is almost as dumb a title as “Operation Wowo” but whatever.

LET’S READ SOME BITCHES TO FILTH!

Or … not.

Instead, James-in-a-Box talks about how he would treat Katie like a queen, and Cousin Greg reads her a poem he wrote for her about their “connection.”

The queens, they are BORED.

MORE DRAG QUEENS, LESS FAKE WEDDINGS. PLEASE.

PLEASE.

In fact … ABC? Go ahead and throw away all those applications, we’ve found our new hosts of The Bachelor/Bachelorette.

The queens tell the men that they are lame (literally: “if your lovemaking skills are like your debate skills, I don’t know what our Katie girl is going to do, it’s lame,” they say. “I am falling asleep,” they say.), and change tacts, demanding to know who is the least compatible among them for Katie. So the men do what they were always going to do: they turn on Cold Fish. Oh Canada asks Cold Fish about his “top four” list, and Katie is like, “what’s this?” But Cold Fish denies he has a “top four” list, before adding that he does think he’s “number one” for Katie.

Monet X Change then jumps in, asking Cold Fish how he feels about Katie, and this idiot WHO KNEW HE WAS BEING FILMED EARLIER, he says that he is “falling in love, absolutely,” and that “this feels real.”

Ball Pit:

Ball Pit is like, “Yeah, OK, but that’s not what he said earlier …” Cold Fish insists that he’s being honest and that there are multiple people on the stage who can vouch for him. And while a couple of guys do agree he is being honest (Accent Guy and The New Virgin), Monet X Change will not be among those who can vouch for him.

The queens ask the men who they think is being the biggest “try-hard,” and they all agree it’s Cold Fish before one notes that Cold Fish is a Bachelor superfan and might be manipulating things. The queens give Cold Fish a chance to respond, but instead of lashing out at the other men, he insists he does not have insults for them, he is just focused on Katie.

And with that, the men head to the cocktail party. There, Katie proposes a toast to everyone being “truthful” but adds that she heard some things that are “concerning.”

She speaks first with Accent Guy, who promises that no one kisses the way they do. She then visits with Cousin Greg who repeats that the process is difficult for him and that he feels like he can’t read her. Katie assures him that she’s “falling” for him and that she’s excited, and he seems placated by this.

Grizzly Adams and Katie discuss how difficult “Operation Wowo” has been for him and how often he wowos and I DID NOT NEED ALL OF THIS INFORMATION ABOUT GRIZZLY ADAMS OR HIS WOWO, THANKS.

It’s James-in-the-Box who first brings Cold Fish up in his conversation with Katie, telling her that he worries about her having her heart broken and that he thinks Cold Fish’s behavior is “calculating.” Ball Pit follows up by telling her about overhearing Cold Fish’s original answer to Monet X Change’s question about how he felt about Katie. And Aggro tells her that while Cold Fish is sweet with her, the things he says don’t match up with what he “actually means.”

Katie, realizing that she has a new villain situation on her hands, asks to speak to Cold Fish, and confronts him with what the other men have been saying. Cold Fish is like, “I don’t know man, I guess they’re ganging up on me. All I can do is take care of my own business…”

With that, Katie excuses herself, explaining that she doesn’t feel well. And indeed, she heads to a bathroom to vomit, which the producers decide to share the audio of. Thanks, guys! Appreciate it!

Katie eventually returns to the men and is like, “y’all literally made me puke. Cocktail party over.”

The next day is Cat Man’s Big Date: “Let’s let our love shine. Love, Katie.” Great Face asks Cat Man what he’s thinking, and he says something about being excited about the date, but we all know he’s actually trying to decide how far down to unbutton his shirt.

The next morning, Cat Man drags his oversized suitcase out to the hallway …

… before going out to meet Katie for their date. Katie explains in a voice-over that she’s glad to go on this date with Cat Man, that he’s a great guy, but that they’ve been in the “friend zone” and that when they kiss, there’s no spark.

For their date today, they will be going on a double date with Kaitlyn and her fiance Jason who is from “Bachelor Nation” but not from Kaitlyn’s season because none of these people date anyone in the real world. And so, the foursome plays some volleyball and some game involving a melon and a Newlywed Game-ish game, before grilling a SHIT-TON of hot dogs, hamburgers, and sausages. Like, they grilled enough for the entire cast. I have two large teenage sons and a husband who is 6’5″ and I’ve never cooked this amount of food for them in my life. Are they feeding the crew? They must be feeding the crew, right?

While the men grill enough meat to feed a football team, the women make margaritas far enough away that the men can’t hear what they are discussing. And what they are discussing is Katie’s insistence that she needs to kiss Cat Man again to figure out where her feelings are for him, as if 1. she hasn’t kissed him a bunch of times already and as if 2. she has to like trick the men into kissing her or something.

And I don’t know, call me crazy, but it seems as if this entire date is about kissing, maybe they shouldn’t have dragged along another couple, making it harder for the two of them to be alone and have that moment?

Finally, Cat Man and Katie are left alone long enough for the kiss to happen, which it does, while these two weirdos watch:

That night, Cat Man is getting dressed for dinner, and by “getting dressed” I mean “unbuttoning his shirt to his bellybutton,” when Katie, who is decidedly not dressed for dinner, but instead in a sweatshirt and mom jeans, shows up at his door, sobbing. Never a terrific sign on a date.

Cat Man brings her inside and asks her what’s wrong, but we all know what’s wrong, even Cat Man. Choking on her tears, Katie assures Cat Man that he’s a great guy and he means the world to her, just not enough to keep him around any longer. Cat Man insists that everything is OK, but does ask what happened, what went wrong and she’s like, “Honestly? It was the kiss.”

Katie wishes him the best, hugs him one last time, and leaves to go sob dramatically in the hotel hallway.

As for Cat Man, he returns to the house to say goodbye to the other men and, y’all, there is open weeping:

IT’S FINE, Y’ALL. YOU WILL SEE HIM IN PARADISE IN LIKE TWO MONTHS. CALM YOUR SHIT.

Still, look at this sweet dad energy:

This is what it looks like when a man is fully secure in his own masculinity. I am not kidding. Michael Bluth is the least toxic man on the planet.

Goodbye, Cat Man! You certainly brought something out in the other men, and really got them in touch with their feelings!

Meanwhile, back in her room, Katie is still sobbing when she hears music coming from outside. When she goes out to her balcony, she finds Grizzly Adams holding up a tiny little radio over his head playing a terrible contempo country song, a la Say Anything. 

And I’m going to say something that is going to probably get me in a lot of trouble with a lot of women of my generation, but I HATE Say Anything and I think Lloyd is a creepy stalker who needs to get over it and that whole scene with the boom box and the Peter Gabriel? YEAH NO THANK YOU. And so when I see people recreate this scene as a romantic gesture shorthand, it really gets on my tits.

But Katie, she falls for it and tells Grizzly Adams to come up to her suite where they make out and make out and make out and roll around and make out. Eventually, she sends him home. That’s when, over footage of a sprinkler head going off, Grizzly Adams narrates that he’s “ready to enjoy [his] happy ending.”

 

We finally arrive at the Rose Ceremony and Cocktail Party, except scratch that second part, because as soon as she enters, Katie’s all, “cocktail party is canceled, I know what I’m going to do. Line up.”

Rose #1: Cold Fish

Except, she doesn’t give him the rose, and instead asks him to go outside to talk. There, Katie reminds him that she had to shut down the entire group date because of him, and he’s like, “But I wrote you a nice letter on the first night?” With that bit of non-clarity, Katie and Cold Fish return inside where she resumes the rose ceremony.

Rose #1:: Hunter  Grizzly Adams
Rose #2: Accent Guy
Rose #3: Cousin Greg
Rose #4: Michael Bluth
Rose #5: The New Virgin
Rose #6: Oh Canada

Wait … Oh Canada?

Which means the men who must buzz off are: Aggro, James-in-a-Box, Ball Pit, and, yes, Cold Fish.

On his way out the door, Ball Pit has nothing but kind things to say about Katie and how she is one of the best women he’s ever met, and how he’s grown on this journey. It’s very sweet! And I kinda hate to see him go!

But the truth is 1. when the only thing you have to say to someone you’re “dating” is talking shit about other people, maybe it’s not going to work out and 2. we’ll see him on Paradise next month, so it’ll be fine. In fact, we will see all of the men who were eliminated in this episode on Paradise, except Cold Fish — and I wouldn’t rule him out.

Bye, boys! Be sure to pack plenty of sunscreen and a good bug spray!

The Men Who Have Been Dumped by Katie:

The Men Who Are Going to Soon Be Dumped by Katie:

The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Mondays at 7/8 p.m.

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