‘The Bachelorette’: Confessional

by Therese Odell, posted in the bachelorette: season 17

The Bachelorette
June 21, 2021

Right. So. Last we left off, inspired by Katie’s elimination of Lars and the Real Girl based on nothing more than Aggro’s accusation that he wasn’t there for the right reasons, Shit-Stirrer decided to stir some shit right before the second rose ceremony by telling Katie that there were multiple other men whose motivations for being on the show were questionable. However, unlike Aggro, Shit-Stirrer didn’t give any specific names, leaving Katie unsure what to believe or what to actually do about this.

The other men, furious that Shit-Stirrer’s accusations have put Katie in a bad mood and robbed some of them of time with her, challenge Stir-Stirrer over his shit-stirring, but he’s like, “Hey! I didn’t name names!” WHICH OF COURSE ONLY MADE IT WORSE, BUT OK.

Katie returns from talking things over with the producers having a cry, and announces that the PARTY is OVER, and to get ready for the rose ceremony because BITCHES BE GOING HOME. Katie then leaves, again, with Cousin Greg following her to check on her.

Inside, the men are ABSOLUTELY LIVID with Shit-Stirrer now, who goes off into a room by himself to do some shadow-boxing? and talking shit about how he’s not leaving, that the military is going to have to drag him off the show.

The U.S. military:

Outside, the other men are getting themselves more and more worked up over Shit-Stirrer’s behavior, and The New Virgin declares that they have a “responsibility to protect the queen,” because they have become a bee colony all of a sudden?

Katie returns and it’s time for the dingdongs to line up.

Rose #1: Highwaters
Rose #2: Cold Fish
Rose #3: Little League
Rose #4: The New Virgin

As The New Virgin steps up to receive his rose, he declares to Katie that the house has come together as a unit to “protect [her] heart,” and that they feel she needs to know that what Shit-Stirrer stirred was pure bullshit. Katie asks the other men if they all agree, and there are some very slight nods from some of the guys. Katie then stops the rose ceremony and excuses herself AGAIN.

Shit-Stirrer:

Katie goes out to Kaitlyn and Tayshia and explains the situation, adding that she was planning on keeping Shit-Stirrer that night but now she’s not sure what to do. Kaitlyn assures her that it’s Katie’s decision, not the guys’, and Katie heads back into the rose ceremony.

Rose #5: Dad Joke
Rose #6: Cat Man
Rose #7: Q
Rose #8: Ball Pit
Rose #9: First Kiss
Rose #10: Andrew the Lawyer (who I had completely forgotten existed?)
Rose #11: Bahstan
Rose #12: The Math Major
Rose #13: Oh Canada
Rose #14: James-in-a-Box
Rose #15: Aggro

Which means the men who must buzz off are The Ginger; Captain Underpants; Round SpongeBob; and, yes, Shit-Stirrer, who has an incredibly awkward moment when he and Katie both refuse to make eye contact with each other as he slowly heads towards the door.

Katie then thanks the rest of the men for being patient with her, adding that she still believes in the journey, and hopes everyone else does as well.

The next morning, the first date card of the week arrives: “Aggro; Q; James-in-a-Box; Cat Man; Highwaters; First Kiss; Return of the Salmon Jacket; Cold Fish; Oh Canada: Love is about honesty and I need 100%.” The men are ALARMED! that she doesn’t sign it “Love, Katie” or even include a little ❤️ but just signs it “…”, because sometimes men are tedious babies who need constant reassurance.

The men head out en masse to the date and honestly, I’m thinking the furry costume is a better look than this 1973 disco cosplay Cat Man is rocking:

ALSO, IS THAT SHIRT STRIPED? WHAT IN FASHION HELL IS THIS?

Anyway, Katie leads the men to some sort of darkened conference room with a chair circle in the center of which sits one Nick Viall, former Bachelorette contestant (multiple times), Bachelor in Paradise contestant, Bachelor, and affectionately known around these parts as This Asshole Again.

This Asshole introduces himself to the men, explaining that he’s been in both their shoes and Katie’s and he knows better than anyone that emotions on these shows move fast. To that end, today is about “being truthful” and being held accountable. There, on national television, they are being asked to tell Katie about the stories from their past that they aren’t particularly proud of: the times they’ve led women on, or ghosted them, or cheated on them, or if someone has ambitions to be the next Bachelor … you know, all the shady shit. 

Cold Fish goes first and reveals that not only has he been married before, but he has two (2) children. He tearfully explains that the marriage fell apart because he worked too hard, or something, noting the irony that he was trying to build something only to destroy it in the process. Cold Fish begins crying as he talks about being a failure at marriage, and hurting two amazing kids. It’s a lot! And because it’s a lot, I am not going to look sideways at this story and wonder what else contributed to the end of his marriage that he’s leaving out of this story. Nope, not me. I am not doing that.

In ANY event, it’s a high bar for the other men to clear, but they do seem to try their best: Aggro talks about the woman he trauma-bonded with after his father’s stroke, with whom he stayed with too long out of obligation rather than genuine feelings; Highwater wonders if he let someone great slip away in favor of his career; and Q admits to breaking someone’s trust.

And then Return of the Salmon Jacket begins talking about how he believes everything happens for a reason, and that being there with her is one of them. He notes that he can’t look her in the face and tell her that he “showed up for the right reasons … ”

… because he didn’t know her when he came here, so he approached the whole exercise as being worth a shot, and in the worst-case scenario, he could potentially build a great platform from it …

And now he feels like there’s great potential here and that his feelings are being reciprocated. That said, he’ll tell her about all his red flags and secrets, like the fact that he’s led people on. In fact, he went on a date with a woman a week before he came on the show …

… But he looks at her now, and he just smiles.

I’ll let Great Face First Kiss speak for all of us (this is his literal reaction to this nonsensical spiel):

Says it all. (Oh, and Aggro calls bullshit on Return of the Salmon Jacket’s bullshit, too.)

Finally, there is Cat Man, who is already crying because he just looked down and realized what he was wearing on national television and that one day his children will see this footage and wail, “DADDY, WHY?”

Cat Man explains that this is something he’d rather have shared in private, but that’s apparently not how they’re playing this game. He then reveals that he had a job at a piano bar where the booze was free. Soon enough he had developed an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and was routinely being an asshole to his friends and girlfriend while blackout drunk. This all culminated in a fight with said girlfriend, Cat Man storming out and going to a party where he cheated on her, and he essentially blew up his entire life in one day.

But! Since then he’s had a ton of therapy, and read every self-help book he can get his hands on, and has tried to make amends, and all he can say is that he’s become a better man since, a man who deserves someone like Katie. Which is great! But the first step should be buttoning that shirt.

Katie thanks the men for being so open and vulnerable with her, and announces that she’s going to do the same and share with them something that her mother doesn’t even know: about 10 years ago she was drunk at a New Year’s Eve party, and she was involved in a situation to which she did not consent. In fact, she was in such denial about what happened, that she tried to form a relationship with the man who violated her, and when that didn’t work she developed an unhealthy aversion to sex. It took her a long time to get to where she is now, to loving herself and accepting that some things are not in her control. Katie adds that for a long time she felt responsible for what happened to her because she was drunk, or because she was irresponsible, but ultimately, she’s had to come to terms with the fact that it was not her fault because she did not give her consent that night.

And that is why Katie is a great choice for the Bachelorette.

The men thank her for being open with them, and they all have a group hug.

That night at the cocktail party, Katie arrives in her David Byrne from Stop Making Sense Halloween costume, which I didn’t even realize you could get anymore!

Katie toasts to them being vulnerable and being able to share something with them that she wouldn’t normally tell people about.

She first speaks with Great Face who tells her that they are going on a journey together, and it’s not just a fairy tale. He wants her to know everything about him and wants to learn more about her, too.

Katie also chats with Cat Man who tells her that he’s sorry for what she’s been through and thanks her for trusting them with that. She notes that she feels relief and that she wishes that he could see himself the way she sees him: that he’s a catch.

Katie then visits with Return of the Salmon Jacket where she’s like, “So, you mentioned ‘red flags.’ What would those be?” Return of the Salmon Jacket admits that when he signed up for the show he “didn’t ask for her,” but adds that he really believes that everything they’ve gone through in their lives has led them to this moment in time.

“Yeah, ok, but red flags?” Katie tries again.

Return of the Salmon Jacket tries, “Every day gets realer and realer and I don’t want a second of doubt to come in,” before adding that he doesn’t want to say a certain word, but he intends to leave getting married and will move her anywhere she wants to go.

Meanwhile, the other men are killing time waiting for Return of the Salmon Jacket to finish chatting with Katie by talking shit about Return of the Salmon Jacket and his weird-ass admission that he came on the show with the intention to “build his platform.” What WAS that?

Return of the Salmon Jacket emerges from his conversation with Katie, knowing that it didn’t go as well as he had hoped. But instead of just sitting quietly and thinking about what he could have done better, Return of the Salmon Jacket heads back to the room where Katie is now trying to chat with Aggro and he just … lingers … infuriating Aggro. Aggro does eventually allow Salmon Jacket to interrupt, and leaves, but he’s real mad about it, and I don’t know, but considering Aggro just almost single-handedly had both Lars and the Real Girl and Shit-Stirrer eliminated, MAYBE THIS ISN’T THE GUY, JACKET. MAYBE THAT MATH ISN’T IN YOUR FAVOR.

Alone with Katie again, Return of the Salmon Jacket tells her that he was worried he hadn’t expressed where he was coming from, and that he needs her to know that he feels a strong pull to her and that he hasn’t felt this way in as long as he can remember.

When Return of the Salmon Jacket rejoins the other men, Aggro confronts him about interrupting his time with Katie, and Salmon Jacket is like, “Well, an opportunity presented itself, so I took it.”

“DID IT THOUGH?” the other men ask, incredulous, “OR DID YOU JUST INTERRUPT ANOTHER MAN’S TIME BECAUSE YOU ARE DISRESPECTFUL?”

Return of the Salmon Jacket insists that he was trying to be respectful but what he had to tell her was important — that he was falling in love with her and that he’s afraid of how fast his feelings are moving.

All of the men’s reaction to Salmon Jacket as summarized by Great Face:

I love this man.

Katie finally returns and offers the date rose to Cat Man, thank goodness, because I really think Aggro would have Hulked out if Salmon Jacket received it.

Katie then takes her leave for the night. As soon as she is gone, the men confront Return of the Salmon Jacket for manipulating Katie’s emotions, pointing out that by telling Katie IN WEEK TWO that he’s falling in love with her, he’s making a mockery of the entire process, which is true! This is a true! But Return of the Salmon Jacket changes his story AGAIN, claiming that he didn’t say he was falling in love with her, but that you can’t have love without fear.

Return of the Salmon Jacket insists that he came on the show to find a wife, and Aggro is all, “That’s funny because this morning you were here for a platform.”

And with that, Return of the Salmon Jacket Half-Witted Villain falls victim to a dumb reality show villain’s biggest enemy: the tape of what they actually said. THAT’S RIGHT, I’M CHANGING HIS NAME AGAIN. MY BLOG, I DO WHAT I WANT.

While all this drama is happening on the date, back at the house, Dad Joke is revealing to a couple of the other men how it is that he became a single dad, and unlike Cold Fish, it’s not “because I loved my family so much, my wife divorced me.” No, instead, Dad Joke’s wife Laura was diagnosed with breast cancer some 7 months after giving birth to their son and succumbed to it 3 years later. Dad Joke Michael Bluth here has, understandably, been waiting for the right time to reveal this story to Katie because it’s A LOT.

Fortunately for Michael Bluth, he receives the one-on-one date card: “Michael Bluth: Love is an adventure. Love, Katie.”

No “DOT DOT DOT” for him!

Ahead of their date, Katie is practicing their activity: dune buggying (?) and, like Matt James on The Bachelor before her, she crashes it.

Again, The Bachelor Producers:

Fortunately, Katie is unharmed (but y’all aren’t always going to be that lucky, guys, hope you’ve got GREAT insurance) and Michael Bluth is soon there to join her and put his life in her hands.

They drive and scream and drive and she manages to keep the dune buggy upright, fortunately for everyone. They eventually arrive at a picnic where Katie confesses to breaking the first dune buggy, and Michael Bluth laughs that it was “badass.”

Narrator: It wasn’t.

Michael Bluth then notes that he’s been patiently waiting to tell her more about his life until he had more time. He notes that he feels like there could really be something with her, or he wouldn’t be there and away from his son. He promises to not waste her time, and tells her that he thinks she’s special. He adds that he feels a little selfish for being on the show and away from his kid, but also he believes his son deserves a happy dad.

Let’s take a look at this child:

H’OH BOY, HE’S CUTE.

At his age, Michael Bluth goes on, he’s getting a chance to experience life all over again, which excites him. Michael Bluth then adds several weeks to his tenure on the show by telling Katie that he always hears that this process “ends in an engagement,” but that he believes, “this begins at an engagement.”

And honestly, she could have just given him the rose right then and there, because come on.

That night at dinner, Katie makes a toast to being vulnerable and tells Michael Bluth that it feels like they’ve been talking for months and finally agreed to meet for the first time.

Michael Bluth then tells his story: he met his wife Laura on campus sixteen years ago, were married by 2012, and they had their son in 2016. Life was perfect. Seven months later she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was an amazing advocate for herself and she handled it with grace, courage, and humor. They traveled the country looking for a clinical trial that could help but in 2019 she passed away. Michael Bluth gets choked up thinking about how she was in a room full of people she loved and how he was actually happy she was no longer in pain.

Michael Bluth goes on to say rebuilding a life without her is difficult but that in the end, he knows what it’s like to love and to give someone everything. He’s ready to open up his heart, and the way he is looking at this is that it is a gift to fall in love twice.

Y’all.

Katie assures him that she’s not intimidated by his love for Laura, and he promises that whatever they create together will be unique. Katie then offers Michael Bluth AND HIS SON the rose.

They then go look at the stars and make out and Katie says in an interview that this might be the beginning of her falling in love with Michael Bluth which she just did not expect.

(I HAD TO USE THAT, THERE WAS LITERALLY NO CHOICE.)

The next morning, Aggro is telling anyone who will listen that Half-Witted Villain is “smart” and possibly a sociopath, which is giving him entirely too much credit. Elsewhere, Highwaters is telling Cat Man and Oh Canada (who is wearing a hilarious ladies’ scoop-necked tee for some reason) that he overheard Half-Witted Villain telling someone else that he is “100% falling in love with this woman,” and the other men are OUTRAGED at all of the lying.

So before the other men go on the group date, Cold Fish decides he’s going to call Half-Witted out on the lies and manipulation. But before that happens …

https://twitter.com/TheRealKatPat/status/1407155552229146625

Cold Fish announces that he talked to a lot of the men over the past couple of days about the situation with Half-Witted and everything that went on during the group date, with the lying and the constant smiling and it all feels fraudulent, like he’s on a campaign to be the next Bachelor. So is that it, Half-Witted? Is he on the show to be the next Bachelor? 

Half-Witted Villain insists that he would never do anything to hurt any of them.

OBJECTION, NON-RESPONSIVE.

Cold Fish is like, “See, I am feeling manipulated right now and I’m worried that you could be doing the same thing to Katie. So, again, has the thought of being the next Bachelor crossed your mind?”

Half-Witted thanks the men for being “so honest” and insists that he felt like he had to be a “certain person” who is all smiles, but that’s not who he is.

OBJECTION, NON-RESPONSIVE.

Hunter points out that if Half-Witted is here to position himself for something else, Katie could get her heartbroken. So is that his answer? That he came on this show thinking about being the next Bachelor?

Half-Witted insists that he didn’t know what to expect before he came on the show.

OBJECTION, NON-RESPONSIVE.

Cold Fish again tells Half-Witted Villain that that’s not what he asked: what he asked was being the Bachelor his prerogative for coming on the show.

And finally, FINALLY, Half-Witted says he’s not going to be disingenuous, and that yes, coming on to the show, one of his thoughts was about being the next Bachelor.

The Men Who Have Been Dumped by Katie:

The Men Who Are Going to Soon Be Dumped by Katie:

The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Mondays at 7/8 p.m.

Leave a Reply