The Real Housewives of New York
“No Party Like a Mob Party”
August 27, 2020
We begin this episode the way we ended the last: with a party for a fashion brand — or, specifically, with the ladies preparing for a party for a fashion brand, this time Leah’s fancy sweatpants line. In 2019, that might seem ridiculous; in 2021 we now understand that it was visionary.
Over at Sonja’s apartment, she’s dealing with this ugly outdated townhouse of hers which has become a $50,000-a-month millstone around her neck. She’s renovating it but has also resolved to just sell it and be done with it once and for all. Good luck with that in this market, Ms. Morgan.
On the Upper East Side, Ramona hosts The Countess for some grocery store sushi. There, they talk some MORE about Dorinda’s anger issues and how nothing was actually resolved. YES. WE GET IT. DORINDA BE MAD.
The Countess then mentions that Leah is inviting That Elyse Woman to her Married to the Mob Party, despite the fact that apparently Ramona specifically told Leah that she was “not allowed” to invite her. Ramona smiles a tight smile at this news, says, “THAT’S NICE” in a way that makes it very clear it is not nice AT ALL, and then runs to the bathroom. And listen, The Countess criticizes Ramona for running away, but maybe she feels an uncontrollable anxiety poop coming on, and if that is the case, no one should be standing in the way between her and the bathroom.
Ramona eventually returns from the bathroom to complain that Elyse is not a “girl’s girl” and that she is “manipulative, not genuine” and she “disgusts” Ramona.
Goodness! Disgusts! That’s a strong word! What exactly did Elyse do again? Object to Ramona hitting on her husband and trying to make Elyse feel like she should be grateful to be brought into this shitshow? Disgusting indeed!
It’s time for Leah’s party, and it is held, appropriately enough at SNS BAR, a sneaker bar run by a sneaker store. Do not dismiss the streetwear thing, it’s a whole lifestyle. And Leah, who arrives at the party with her team first, knows this, worrying how the other women are going to respond to this very downtown, very not Upper East Side at all scene she’s forcing them to take part in.
Dorinda arrives first, glammed up but very UES, and is shocked, SHOCKED! to see what she calls “people wearing pajamas” at the party. As Leah asks, “has she never looked at my website? I’m in business because of sweatpants and t-shirts.” And, again, 2020 salutes you for it!
Elyse arrives next, and she is FIRED UP to see Ramona who apparently has been ignoring her calls and telling people that they are no longer friends. “WHAT IS RAMONA’S PROBLEM?” Elyse demands to know, but none of the other women can answer because it’s not like Elyse is a hot topic of conversation for them?
Bunny arrives and meets Dorinda who says Bunny reminds her of her own mother, as if Dorinda and Leah don’t have a twenty-year age gap between them, BUT SURE.
The Countess arrives soon after and under her fur is wearing some ridiculous fringed number. Dorinda, still focused on the fact that she’s the only one dressed like a 55-year-old because she’s the only 55-year-old there, laughs that she and The Countess are the only ones dressed up, and that the rest of the guests should go home and get dressed. They are also upset there is no coat check to take their furs BECAUSE, AGAIN, IT’S A SNEAKER BAR. It is not a bar where 55-year-old retired Wall Street bros go to cheat on their wives — it is literally a sneaker bar.
But you know who heartily approves of the bar and the party guests who didn’t take a cab from E. 74th Street? Ms. Sonja Morgan, who arrives and literally begins yelling at some young guys, “DON’T BE SCARED, I DON’T BITE!”
This is questionable at best.
“LOOK AT ALL THE HOT MEN!” Sonja yells. “THEY’RE ALL 24! THIS IS AMAZING!”
God bless Sonja Morgan.
Ramona finally arrives, and Leah is excited to introduce her to Bunny, as the two of them literally have a ton in common, starting with a visceral disapproval of everything Leah does and says and is. But their conversation is interrupted when Elyse realizes that Ramona has arrived and confronts her, only to have Ramona, somewhat hilariously, pull a Mariah Carey.
Ramona tries to escape, but Elyse chases her down, grabbing Ramona’s arm and insisting that she look at her, and SHE MAD, calling Ramona a “duplicitous, nefarious, narcissitic, superficial bitch.”
(That gif lives in my heart.) (Also, Elyse isn’t wrong.)
Ramona has no response to this and literally runs out of the party less than five minutes after arriving. Bye!
After the women spend some more time marveling at the other guests at the party — artists! rappers! models! so few gross old men! — and some time marveling at how Bunny turned out to be more “earth mothery” than they were expecting, Leah gives her speech. She thanks her friends, and Rob, and her family and friends, and announces that she will be giving 15% of the brand to her sister who has always supported her. Which, considering the amount of publicity Married to the Mob is about to get when this season finally airs, is some fortuitous timing for Sarah. Merry Christmas, girl!
Bunny then gives a short speech telling Leah very publicly how proud she and Leah’s father are of her, and how she’s thankful Leah followed her dreams instead of listening to their advice to just get a job.
Sometime later — the next day? who cares — The Countess is in a cafe on the phone with Ramona telling her that she should have stuck around, but Ramona insists she didn’t want to be around “negative energy.” The Countess has to hang up when the ghost writer she’s hired to write her memoir arrives at the cafe to discuss the project. Yes, so The Countess is writing a book about her life that no one asked for, and by “writing,” I mean hiring a professional to write it for her. Because y’all were just clamoring to learn how a nurse became a cabaret superstar, I know.
The ghost writer arrives, and she’s very nice and she humors The Countess by telling her how very interesting her life has been and they have a long boring conversation about The Countess’ dad because:
And honestly, the only part that is halfway interesting in this entire scene is the revelation that Ramona never hung up the call and had been listening in for a good five minutes.
Finally, Dorinda’s birthday. Instead of dragging everyone back out to Blue Stone Manor, Dorinda is hosting her own birthday party at a Russian joint near Times Square. And apparently, it’s a point of controversy among some of the invited that Dorinda has chosen to include Fudgie the Whale, though as someone who routinely vacations with her husband’s ex-girlfriend, I don’t see the issue.
Dorinda arrives wearing the dress she uses with the fake boobs …
… sadly, sans boobs, though I think they would have been a huge hit with the Russians.
When Ramona arrives, Leah informs us that Ramona reached out and called her to apologize for leaving the party earlier, an apology that was fortuitously filmed. On the call, Ramona tells Leah that she was so happy to meet Leah’s mother! Bunny was nothing like Ramona expected, she was so much smarter than Ramona thought she would be!
Leah, God bless her, shrugs that Ramona isn’t mean, she’s just rude and has literally no awareness of just how socially awkward she is. Leah has far more grace and understanding than I do.
Dorinda delivers a speech about how much she loves everyone at the table, before sitting down to enjoy her dinner. While they are eating, she notices that Sonja has a ton of apps open on her phone, slowing it down to the point of being unusable, so Dorinda helps her close them. The Countess immediately notices that Dorinda is playing with a phone at the table, and begins giving her shit for being rude, and Dorinda tries to explain that she’s just helping Sonja close some apps instead of saying, “BITCH, IT’S MY BIRTHDAY AND MY PARTY AND IF I WANT TO SPEND IT SCROLLING TWITTER WHILE Y’ALL SIT THERE AND WATCH, THEN THAT’S WHAT YOU SIGNED UP FOR” — which is what I would have done if someone had the audacity to scold me at my own birthday party. (I would never do that, but it’s fun to pretend.)
Fudgie gives a lovely toast and Dorinda assures him that he always has a seat at her table, even though she dumped his ass. It’s very sweet.
And then The Countess, not content with having ruined Dorinda’s birthday by dressing her down like a distracted 11-year-old who has violated her screen time allowance, decides that she is going to give a speech, too. And she’s managed to procure a microphone? Or maybe she brought one with her? (Honestly, that’s more likely.) The Countess then proceeds to give a toast which becomes a monologue and at one point, Sonja attempts to interrupt her, only to be hissed at by The Countess that she is not done yet. The Countess then sings her patented “Happy Birthday to You-ah!” song and everyone is left needing additional shots of vodka to numb themselves just a little крошечный bit.
The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo.