The Real Housewives of New York
“Back on the Hump”
August 6, 2020
We pick up from where we left off: mid-fight about What Leah Did at Ramona’s Birthday Party. Ramona has fled the scene leaving Very Drunk Sonja to scold Leah that you just can’t do “that” in front of people, and to explain “that,” Sonja motions lifting her dress up over her head. Everyone’s like, “But she didn’t do that?” Very Drunk Sonja swears that Ramona says that she did, and Leah explains in an interview that the idea that she lifted her dress to show Ramona’s party guests her vagina is disgusting and Ramona needs to keep Leah’s vagina “out of her mouth.”
Very Drunk Sonja is eventually sent off to bed, and Dorinda finds Ramona pouting on the beach. There, Dorinda confronts Ramona about being mean to Leah, which is particularly hypocritical when Very Drunk Sonja is a very drunk mess. Ramona begins insisting that the other women are “too crazy” to be around and she doesn’t want to drink with them anymore. Dorinda informs Ramons that she’s being “terrible,” and in response, Ramona tells her that she and Sonja need to go to AA.
Dorinda storms back up to the house where she orders another drink and begins crying to The Countess and Leah about what a bitch Ramona is being, and telling her that she needs to go to AA. You don’t do that to a friend! That’s just cruel!
So The Countess heads down to the beach to confront Ramona. Ramona tries to lure The Countess over to her side, insisting that the two of them are the only sane ones there, and talking shit about Dorinda’s drinking.
The Countess calmly informs Ramona that she needs to not attack Dorinda about the whole drinking thing, and tells her that talking about Leah’s medication is out-of-bounds. But Ramona insists that she only brought that up to explain why Leah is so “nutty” and anyway, Dorinda has anger issues, and they are the only normal ones there.
The Countess returns to Leah and Dorinda to tattle on Ramona for judging Dorinda about her drinking, and like a confused angry dog, Dorinda begins attacking The Countess: SHE’S the one who has been arrested for her drinking, SHE’S the one who violated her probation by drinking, DORINDA hasn’t been arrested for drinking. And The Countess is like, “WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY? BITCH, I’M JUST THE MESSENGER.”
Dorinda then sneers that Ramona stays out until 4 in the morning, and anyone out past midnight is, and I quote, “fuckin’ and findin’.”
The next morning, Dorinda visits Leah in her bedroom, where Leah is like, “Hey, do you remember what an asshole you were to The Countess last night? Because you were a complete asshole and attacking her, and bringing up her arrest for no good reason.” Dorinda insists that she does, in fact, remember what she said and that she attacked The Countess because she was judging her for her drinking.
Leah, and anyone with ears, dispute this account.
Meanwhile, in their room, Sonja has made a Very Important Discovery: the diuretics she is taking are giving her “drunken sailor syndrome.” She says this as if it’s some sort of side effect of the water pills and not the side effect of drinking too many rosés and cokes. But, you know what? Sure. Maybe don’t take dehydrating pills while you’re drinking. Or Xanax.
Before breakfast, Ramona takes Leah aside to discuss their issues, and there, Ramona explains that she does hold Leah to some weird high standard and that she was hurt and disappointed that Leah wasn’t more demure at her birthday party. Leah tells Ramona that she doesn’t understand what she did to deserve having Ramona discuss her mental health issues so publicly, and Ramona, knowing that she has absolutely no defense, apologizes for making Leah “uncomfortable.” Ramona also promises to stop making “molehills out of mountains” which is not at all how that saying goes.
Leah accepts the apology and chooses to let the whole thing go because she knows perfectly well this is the best she is going to get out of Ramona.
With that, they can get on with their day. The plan:
2. Camel rides
3. Lunch in a cabana on the beach
What could go wrong?
And remarkably, nothing really does go wrong. The camel ride is unremarkable: Ramona refuses to ride at all, and Sonja and Leah bail early, leaving only Dorinda and The Countess to complete their rides — which, GOOD FOR THE COUNTESS. Sure, it’s been nearly ten years since her iconic camel moment in Morocco, but it still takes a degree of courage to get back in that saddle.
The ladies then head to their generous cabana where they eat more ceviche and hide from the Mexican sun. At one point The Countess takes Dorinda aside and is like, “Hey, you might not remember this, but you were a complete asshole to me last night, attacking me, and bringing up my arrest for no good reason.” But Dorinda counters that The Countess is implying that she was too drunk to remember what she said the night before but that she WAS NOT. Also too, The Countess attacked her for drinking too much. The Countess, and reality, insist that she did no such thing, but Dorinda insists she has her truth and she’s sticking to it.
So, a frustrated Countess wanders off and joins a volleyball game with some strangers.
It does not go well for her.
Honestly, this is more hilarious to me than the Moroccan camel incident. I stared at this gif for a solid ten minutes, not even going to lie.
That night the women get all dressed up for dinner out on the town, where, upon arriving at the restaurant, they announce it is Sonja’s birthday dinner. Tonight, they’ll be celebrating her.
But though it might be Sonja’s birthday, there is one true star of the night:
I don’t usually embed these clips, but this guy dancing with The Countess is one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen on this show. As it has probably been almost a year since you’ve seen it , you should do yourself a favor and watch it again:
Once drinks arrive, Dorinda toasts Sonja: “Happy birthday! May 2020 be your year and full of good decisions, happiness, and freedom!”
Across the table from each other, Ramona and Leah have a nice talk about how dating is hard, and how Ramona was able to forgive Mario for the sake of her daughter’s happiness, a quality that Leah is quick to say she admires.
Meanwhile, Dorinda and The Countess head to the bathroom to prepare for their big surprise for Sonja. The Countess emerges first, draped in a lit-up curtain(?) and sombrero, with a mini karaoke machine, singing “Happy Birthday” to “Sonjarita.” The Dorinda appears, wearing those fake boobs again, and a golden turban(?), carrying out a cake for Sonja. Motorboating occurs.
At some point, Leah makes a joke about drinking the tap water to give herself a homemade colonic, and the women warn her off of doing so, Sonja cracking that if she does so, Leah will have to wear a diaper to hang out with them. Leah laughs that Ramona doesn’t have to wear diapers because “her pussy is so TIIIIIGHT.”
Ramona is SHOCKED and insists that if Leah wants to get along with her, they must not discuss body parts. Leah counters that if Ramona wants to get along with her, then the only thing they will be discussing is Leah’s “PERFECT … PUSSY.”
This is enough to send Ramona fleeing from the table. Leah chases after her as Ramona insists that she does not talk about “body parts” because she’s a “good Catholic girl” who doesn’t ever discuss such things. “Oh, whatever,” Leah counters, “You are Turtle Time, bitch.”
TURTLE TIME 4 EVA.
Also, allow me to pause here for a hot second so as to give props to Leah for not being one of those new Real Housewives cast members who claim that they’ve never watched an episode before joining the show. Those women are lying liars who lie AND WE ALL KNOW IT.
Leah points out that Ramona is not some virginal flower: when she wants to talk about sex, Ramona talks about sex. However, when Leah wants to talk about something, she’s treated like trash. And from my comfortable position as an armchair psychiatrist, I think the entire problem is rooted in the fact that Ramona does not view Leah as a peer, she treats Leah like her daughter. Ramona can be very nurturing and maternal towards Leah, but it’s a double-edged sword. Because she feels maternal towards Leah, she finds herself disappointed when she thinks Leah is “acting out” or talking about sexual things. Just imagine how Ramona would behave if Avery was talking on camera about her “perfect pussy …” Ramona might actually for reals die on camera. The bottom line is that there is a super weird mother-daughter dynamic between these two that they both feed off of.
And just to prove my point, Ramona returns to the table, whispers into Leah’s ear that she loves her and they will discuss this privately the next day, before kissing Leah on the top of her head a couple of times.
As Ramona takes her seat, she tastes some of the food and declares it “too spicy.” And in response, Leah replies, “I like spicy … DICK!”
The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo.