The Real Housewives of New York
“Not Very Merry-achi”
July 30, 2020
Oh, so we’re actually going to see the spa day that The Countess is treating the ladies of the Fortune Society to, and we’re not just going to be assured it happened and told not to worry about it? Ok, then! We begin the episode with the Countess arriving at a salon, and thanking the staff for participating in this project before putting some wig bangs on, for laffs.
Ramona is the first to join her, and upon seeing The Countess in these ridiculous wig bangs, tells her that she looks like “that famous actress who is married to that older guy,” which definitely narrows it down. Ramona then manifests a name: McPhee. Oh! She means Katharine McPhee, American Idol contestant, star of NBC musical drama Smash, Shark Night 3D and CBS action series, Scorpion and fifth wife of Canadian musician and music producer, David Foster, former husband to former Real Housewife of Beverly Hills, Yolanda Hadid? Ramona thinks The Countess looks like that McPhee?
No, she does not.
The women then discuss Ramona’s party the night before, and Ramona sighs that the only thing that went wrong was Leah, before she and The Countess go on to wring their hands about Sonja dancing on the mirror and breaking the glass. SHE COULD HAVE BLINDED SOMEONE, Ramona insists.
But can we go back to Leah, and what, exactly, it was that she did that was so upsetting to Ramona? Actually, we can not because Ramona declares that she “DOES NOT WANT TO DISCUSS LEAH,” because she was “an embarrassment” and Ramona is still “so disgusted.” Ramona has nothing to say about it — whatever “it” was, and nothing to say to Leah.
As for Leah, she and Dorinda headed to the salon together in a car, and Dorinda gingerly asks her about the party the night before. They make fun of the decor which they compare to both a tacky hotel in the Poconos with a heart-shaped tub and/or a douche commercial; and the crowd which Leah describes as “creepy;” and Dorinda notes that Ramona apparently asked her guests to donate $100 each towards buying her that Gucci purse. Tacky is as tacky does.
And Leah, she’s pissed off that Ramona invited her to the birthday party, only to criticize her — and only her — for dancing while Sonja’s over here literally destroying property. (And though she wasn’t blinded, one of the shards of glass Sonja kicked up did find itself lodged in Dorinda’s foot, and she’s still hobbled with it, in fact.) Leah is irritated that Ramona singled her out to shame her, and Dorinda is like, “Yeah, that’s because you’re 30 years younger, thin, and beautiful. She’s threatened by you because you have the one thing she can’t have: youth.”
The Fortune Society ladies arrive and in what is without question the most awkward moment of the episode, Ramona finds herself trying to ask one of the women about her experience only to realize there is no good way for a white Upper East Side lady to ask someone about their time in prison. There is a lot of stammering and a LOT of cringe.
Dorinda, Leah, and Sonja arrive, and Ramona chooses to pretend that Leah is not there, and scolds Sonja for breaking the mirror. SOMEONE COULD HAVE GONE BLIND.
As for Leah, she bitches to The Countess about how disgusted she is at Ramona for singling her out at the party, before storming into the room where Ramona is chastising Sonja, and declaring that Ramona is NOT A GOOD FRIEND, she’s a TERRIBLE PERSON who DOES NOT SUPPORT WOMEN and is a PHONY and TREATS SONJA LIKE SHIT.
Leah then notes that Ramona’s sister, Tanya, told her that she was “cheapening” Ramona’s group of friends. Leah disagrees.
With that, Leah leaves because she’s too angry for Ramona’s bullshit. Dorinda and Sonja leave soon after to take Dorinda to the doctor to remove the glass from her foot, leaving The Countess and Ramona to oversee the Fortune Society ladies’ makeovers. They all look great!
Over at Century 21, Sonja finally sees her clothing line on display, filling an impressively large amount of space. And even Sonja can’t quite believe this is real. Enjoy it while you can, everyone! Ramona and Dorinda soon arrive and are genuinely impressed by Sonja’s accomplishment and somehow everything about this scene combined with her townhome woes … it just bums me out from here in the pandemic future. Has someone checked in on Sonja since last March? Is she OK? Has someone confiscated all of her vodka yet? I AM VERY WORRIED FOR THE FORMER MRS. MORGAN.
In the pre-pandemic past, however, Ramona and Dorinda are busily congratulating Sonja for pulling this thing off. Dorinda then begins admonishing Ramona for being so hard on Leah, and Ramona repeats that she DOES NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. With that, Dorinda is like, “Alright, see y’all in Mexico, and I EXPECT YOU TO NOT RUIN THE TRIP,” before leaving the store.
Once alone with Sonja — and the cameras — Ramona decides it’s the perfect time to reveal some information about Leah that “a girlfriend” shared with her: Leah’s bipolar, and on medication and should NOT be drinking. This explains everything, Ramona sighs disappointedly: the throwing of the tiki torches; the behavior in Newport; and her terrible behavior at Ramona’s birthday party. But bipolar or not, Ramona has a three-strikes policy, and as far as she’s concerned, Leah is OUT.
And then Mexico. After the obligatory packing montage, and the airport montage, and the “wait, does The Countess have a dildo in her suitcase” incident …
… the women arrive at Casa del Mar where they are greeted by approximately 145 staffers and a full mariachi band. It’s a lot and the women are delighted at the extravagance of it all.
Dorinda, the hostess, has thought of everything, including pool floaties for Ramona:
And a plan to fairly assign rooms, which involves a trivia game (and Dorinda preemptively taking the master suite for herself since she’s the one who arranged the trip). Based on this game, The Countess chooses a room first, then Leah, and finally Ramona and Sonja are left sharing the double bedroom and claiming that it was the one they wanted all along.
But before that, Ramona and Sonja slip off to the beach where Ramona complains, again, about Leah’s behavior at her birthday party. Ramona was HURT and DISAPPOINTED by Leah’s behavior, especially since she specifically asked Leah to behave maturely.
Ramona then claims she had to pull Leah’s skirt back down over her ass. IT WAS A CELEBRATION OF RAMONA, NOT LEAH’S BODY, Ramona whines, revealing what she was actually upset about. LEAH CAN’T JUST GO TO PARTIES AND SHOW OFF HER HOO-HA.
Somehow Ramona finds a sympathetic audience with Sonja Morgan. This Sonja Morgan:
Meanwhile, inside the house, The Countess is chatting with the staff, noting that her Spanish is terrible. The chef asks her if she knows how to say, “beer” in Spanish, as that’s the only word she needs to know, and The Countess replies, “¿queso?”
The Countess then demands guacamole for the first of several times in this episode.
Sonja and Ramona rejoin the other women where at one point Sonja comments on Ramona’s complete lack of camel toe visible in her leggings and announces that she has “the chubbiest pussy ever, that’s what the boys tell [her].” When everyone laughs that Sonja’s just being Sonja, Leah is understandably irritated that she’s being held to some other impossible standard.
After rooms are chosen, Leah joins Dorinda on her balcony where she reveals she knows that Ramona is out there talking about her vagina and her mental health. Leah explains in an interview that she was diagnosed as bipolar on her 30th birthday, and she’s dedicated the last 7 years of her life to get it under control and get herself in a good place. She is not — not that she owes any of us any explanation — on any meds, and the fact that Ramona is discussing it openly
and on camera is despicable. She’s not wrong, and she’s not wrong to be hurt and angry.
Dorinda eventually goes into Ramona’s room where she suggests that she go talk to Leah, but Ramona huffs that SHE’S the one who is owed an apology. Leah can choose to spread her legs and act trashy, BUT NOT ON RAMONA’S DIME.
That evening, the women prepare for dinner, which for Ramona involves having her hair done by one of the 177 servants, and Very Drunk Sonja having her hair done by one of the 117 servants while completely naked, out here acting as if #MeToo never happened.
Downstairs, Dorinda gives Leah a caftan to wear and some advice: don’t look for an apology from Ramona, because she ain’t gonna get one. This is evergreen advice regarding Ramona in every situation, to be completely honest.
The Countess goes to check on the mess that is Ramona and Very Drunk Sonja, and when Dorinda sees what condition Very Drunk Sonja is in, she both tries to encourage Very Drunk Sonja to just sleep it off. Very Drunk Sonja has no intention of just sleeping it off. Before she can sleep it off, she needs to find a table to fall off of.
Eventually, Ramona comes downstairs where she harasses the kitchen staff as a means of avoiding talking to Leah until the staff literally tells her to leave.
Eventually, Sonja joins them, and the chef who is there to give them a lesson on how to prepare ceviche, God bless him, attempts to start his demonstration. Chef Eduardo is hit on by a Very Drunk Sonja who has moved on from tequila to rosé and Coca-Cola, which is absolutely disgusting, but apparently getting the job done. As The Countess demands more guacamole, Sonja announces that she’s “reached her limit,” which the poor hairdresser upstairs could have told her an hour ago.
Finally, Very Drunk Sonja begins slurring that Leah never apologized to Ramona, and Leah, who is sitting RIGHT THERE, is like, “I’ve only been really kind to Ramona.” The Countess then demands that they “address the fish in the room,” and Sonja demands that Leah say what she has to say to Ramona IN A KIND MANNER. So Leah calmly explains to Ramona that she would discuss her mental health issues behind her back as a means to belittle her.
Ramona suggests that maybe she’s ACTUALLY being kind and looking for some excuse for Leah’s behavior, and Leah, again, very calmly, asks Ramona what behavior she’s talking about, only to get a condescending smile and a “nothing, never mind, whatever, just forget about it,” in response.
The Countess and Dorinda are both like, “Wait, so what did we miss at this party? Because we were there, and we didn’t see Leah do anything but have a good time?” Ramona insists that she’s not going to have this conversation in a “group setting,” to which Leah, with complete composure, responds, “but you’re talking about my vagina to the entire Upper East Side.”
Ramona insists that she is NOT talking about Leah’s body to anyone, much less her vagina, SHE HATES THE VERY WORD. Ramona then tries to make herself the victim, whinging that the fact that Leah doesn’t get how she hurt her hurts her even more. So Leah is like, “How, exactly, did I hurt you?”
Ramona turns the passive-aggression up to Level 11, and sarcastically replies, “That’s right, I’M the crazy one.”
Leah, with a Zen Buddhist level of serenity, points out that actually, she’s the one who Ramona is calling crazy. When Ramona can’t argue with this, she runs away into the house, while Leah is left insisting that SHE. DIDN’T. DO. ANYTHING.
Team Leah ’til I die.
The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo.