The Real Housewives of New York
May 28, 2020
Get in the limobus, loser, we’re going to Newport! The one in Rhode Island!
This episode begins in a fashion these shows rarely do: just cuts to the chase and loads the women up into their ride to their next unearned vacation. Sure, there is a small packing montage, there is always a packing montage, but often we don’t get the women on the road until 15, 20 minutes into the episode. And I only point that out because it suggests that shit is going to go down later, and there’s NO TIME TO WASTE.
Reader, shit is about to go down and there is no time to waste.
Oh and I guess it should be noted that the only woman not on the limobus is Dorinda because she’s already at her estate in the Berkshires, overseeing the renovations, and so she’s already halfway to Rhode Island.
Everyone else meets at Ramona’s apartment, Tinsley with her own pillow in tow, which earns her mockery from the other women who call her a “child.” Tinsley, bless her, tries to argue that she has allergies, but no one listens to her and they continue to call her a baby.
On the bus, Leah compliments Ramona, telling her that she looks like a 25-year-old, and everyone jokingly wonders what Leah wants from her. And they’re not wrong! Because after some chatting about how Dorinda is in “a bad place,” and after that Elyse woman tells her most “humbling” moment (in which a bunch of construction workers were catcalling a tall 18-year-old model, not her — so you can understand the pain), and after Leah reveals that Pita Chip has ghosted her, Leah asks Ramona if her sister, Sarah, can join them the next night.
Ramona immediately says no — this is a “girl’s trip” and by “girl’s trip” she means “cast trip” — but she does agree to think on it.
Upon arriving at the hotel, they are given boozy lemonade and led to lunch, where, despite beautiful platters of oysters and lobster rolls, Leah doesn’t eat much because she’s not hungry. Leah insists that this isn’t some diet thing, she just doesn’t have an appetite. Leah then adds that if she’s being honest, she might not be in the best headspace for this entire trip.
Leah brings up her sister joining them again, pleading with Dorinda who is like, “sure, I don’t see why not?” Ramona relents, and agrees she can come, only to moments later announce she’s rescinding her decision and will take a vote on it at dinner. Leah protests That Elyse Woman is on the trip with them, unintentionally breaking the fourth wall that this is a specific “friend group” and not just a bunch of cast members forced together, but Ramona insists that she’s known Elyse for 20 years and that somehow trumps the fact that Leah has known her sister her entire life.
Sonja, for one, is OUTRAGED at the idea of Leah bringing her sister for what would be ONE NIGHT, so Leah tries to take an informal vote: Sonja’s a HELL NO, but Tinsley says that she loves Leah’s sister, and Dorinda and The Countess are both, “Why not? It’s just one dinner …” so Ramona relents, again, and gives Leah permission to invite her sister.
That resolved (for now), the women go to their respective bungalows and settle in, and Leah calls her sister to give her the good news. She then, apparently, begins opening and drinking every bottle of wine she can find in the bungalow.
And before we move on with this episode, let’s talk. Leah, she gets messy, and I want to be very clear that I am not judging her because 1. God knows (and many of my family and friends know) I’ve had my moments and 2. good lord, if I were trapped on a trip to Newport with Ramona Fucking Singer and The Fucking Countess and Sonja Fucking Morgan and Dorinda Fucking Medley, I’d be completely fucking wasted too.
SO. Before dinner, Ramona begins regretting her decision to let Leah’s sister join them and Sonja is like, “YEAH! IT’S BULLSHIT! YOU SHOULD TELL LEAH SHE CAN’T COME!” And Ramona is like, “YEAH! THAT’S A GREAT IDEA! I’M DEFINITELY GOING TO DO JUST THAT.” Which is obviously a solid plan.
Ramona, Sonja, and The Countess then drive down to the lobster/clambake that the hotel arranged for them that evening at a site that geuninely looks like it should be hosting a wedding. Now, look. I’m not from the Northeast, but I host an annual crawfish boil, and let me tell you what is never involved: fine china, candles, flower arrangements, tulle.
Then Ramona pulls out goofy “crowns” she bought for everyone. This, at least, we have in common, but instead of star crowns, my crowns look like this:
The Countess announces that the whole scene reminds her of lyrics from “Feelin’ Jovani.”
Oh, and, The Countess has come around to the idea of disinviting Leah’s sister from joining them the next night for reasons (manufactured conflict), and Ramona is even more empowered to disinvite her.
Soon, Tinsley, Dorinda, Drunk Leah and I guess That Elyse Woman (unless she arrived with Ramona, et al) (who cares) arrive at the clambake site, and are handed drinks which are 90% club soda’ plus a single vodka shot. Dorinda and Drunk Leah immediately take issue with this, and Drunk Leah announces, to Ramona’s extreme disapproval, that she is going to add more shots.
Yes, more shots.
Ramona is worried that Drunk Leah is “an alcoholic” (which, if she was, then she shouldn’t have had a drink with even a single shot in it, but I digress …) and Tinsley defends her: she’s not an alcoholic, she just didn’t drink for
7 9 years. There’s a difference.
Soon it’s time to sit down for dinner and I’m tempted to just write, “And then chaos,” but even that doesn’t quite do the scene justice.
So, two things are happening simultaneously:
- Drunk Leah is DRUNK, and sitting on Sonja’s lap, Sonja’s grabbing her boobs, someone orders Drunk Leah back to her seat so as to eat dinner, but soon after, Ramona and Sonja decide that they need to tell her that she has to disinvite her sister, but Drunk Leah is drunk and refuses to go with them, and is literally being dragged across the lawn by Ramona and Sonja while screaming, “I DON’T WANT TO GO ON THE MORGAN YACHT!” Shoes come off.
- At the same time, Tinsley is trying to have a heart-to-heart with Dorinda about how much she respects her and doesn’t want to fight with her and just get Dorinda to hug her. Dorinda does not want to hug her.
It’s a lot.
Ramona eventually tells Drunk Leah that her sister is, in fact, re-re-disinvited, and Drunk Leah does not take the news well. She destroys flower arrangements, throws her glass, and tries to take the entire tent down, all the while the staff of the hotel think about just exactly how much they did not sign up for this and what kind of hazard pay they should ask for when it’s all said and done.
Meanwhile, in an interview, Dorinda is calling Leah “my kind of girl.” INDEED.
There’s much crying on Drunk Leah’s part, and even Sonja who was the loudest opponent to Leah’s sister joining them, feels bad for her, and is like, “OH JUST LET HER SISTER COME.” Eventually, Ramona announces that she’s given it some serious bathroom thought, and you know what? It’s fine if her sister joins them. What was her big problem with it in the first place? Why is she such a control freak?
I mean, I can answer that, if she’s sincerely asking, but she’s not, so we’ll move on.
The next morning, everyone is looking for Leah to be painfully hungover, because that’s just how the universe works, it’s called justice. But the jokes on them: she can’t remember anything from the night before, but otherwise? She’s fine.
As the women meet to go into town for some shopping, That Elyse Woman asks Leah about how she’s feeling, and Leah’s like, “Fine. In fact, the way I was acting last night is how I really am and how I always want to be.” That Elyse Woman is like, “Oh and you wonder why men think you’re crazy?”
WHO IS THIS WOMAN, AGAIN, AND WHY IS SHE HERE?
Dorinda disapproves of This Elyse Woman’s line of questioning and tells her to mind her own damn business.
But she does not mind her own damn business, and while they are in some boutique, That Elyse Woman starts by giving Leah a very unwanted hug …
… before cutting to the quick: would Leah ever behave that way in front of her daughter? What kind of message does Leah’s behavior send her daughter? What would Leah do if her daughter behaved that way?
Leah announces that she’s thinking about going home because this is some bullshit, but That Elyse Woman kinda apologizes for dragging her daughter into it, and everyone agrees to go get Bloody Marys.
At the bar, Ramona decides that she’s the actual victim in all of this and that Leah owes her an apology for ruining her lovely dinner party. And she’s kinda not wrong! But she’s also kinda VERY wrong, as she was the one who dicked Leah around on the whole sister question, and if I’m not mistaken, was drunkenly manhandling Drunk Leah along with Sonja.
Leah is happy to apologize, but it’s not enough for Ramona who claims — and this is fucking rich — that Leah’s behavior was SO atrocious, she can’t even remember it because she “blocked it out.”
The Countess, God bless her, is like, “THIS IS A CROCK OF SHIT. The reason you can’t remember what happened last night has nothing to do with your childhood trauma and everything to do with the 15 martinis you drank. So stop beating up on Leah.”
Ramona whinges about her shitty childhood some more before approaching Leah and explaining that she wasn’t trying to make her feel bad (lies), and in fact, it’s because she likes Leah so much that she doesn’t want to dislike her. Leah’s like, “So you want me to be a different person than who I am? I don’t know, maybe you just don’t like me.” And as the episode closes on another TO BE CONTINUED, Ramona agrees, maybe she doesn’t. We’ll have to wait and see.
The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo.