The Real Housewives of New York
“How You Like Them Apples?”
May 14, 2020
Hey, remember that boxing coach that Leah introduced us to in the first episode? Martin at Trinity Boxing? Well, Tinsley decides to go back for another less/therapy session and the bottom line is we need to get Martin his own Bravo show yesterday.
When Tinsley arrives, he asks her how she’s doing and she replies, “Pretty good … good … okay,” and Martin notices this immediately and asks her about it. And I mean this sincerely: that’s very insightful! He’s seeing through the conversational bullshit that we, particularly women, use to make others feel more comfortable. And Tinsley begins opening up to him: she’s good, not great — but still better than the last time she saw him when she was a blubbering mess.
Martin tapes up her hands and begins asking Tinsley how things are going with the other women, and she explains that she is having some tension with one woman in particular, Dorinda. “What kind of name is Dorinda?” Martin asks. “Where do you people get these names from?” FAIR.
So, they get into the ring together, and Martin tells Tinsley that he’s going to be “Dorita” and they’re going to box. This results in Tinsley basically being chased around the ring by Martin who has also changed Tinsley’s name to “Tinsdale,” and honestly? I get it.
After they spar, Martin gives Tinsley a pep talk: She needs to do whatever the fuck SHE wants to do. She’s a fucking legend.
By the way, “Dortia Tinsdale” is now my drag queen name. Too bad you didn’t think of it first.
Elsewhere, Ramona and Sonja meet in Central Park where they discuss the tension between Dorinda and Tinsley, and Ramona suggests that maybe Doridna is … dare she say it, jealous? Basically: Dorinda resents Tinsley for being “taken care of” I guess by the men in her life, you know, like Scott and that one boyfriend who abused the shit out of her, so yeah, she’s had it very easy. In comparison, Dorinda hasn’t felt really taken care of by a man since Richard died. Yeah, yeah, she has Fudgie the Whale in her life, but come on, who are we kidding? The Dry Cleaning King of the Upper East Side is hardly the same as an investment banker with a place on the Harvard board.
As for Dorinda, she’s at the High Line with The Countess and Leah declaring that she is DONE with Tinsley, she is not interested in Tinsley, she is not going to talk about her anymore, and she just has to accept Tinsley for who she is.
Later, The Countess visits Leah at her downtown apartment, a nice two-bedroom Manhattan space, which is to say, IT TINY. But it’s tiny by suburban American house standards, not by most Manhattan apartment standards. And you would think that someone like The Countess who has lived in Manhattan for approximately 75 years would have been in one or two commoners’ apartments over the years and not be shocked by the size of Leah’s. Not everyone marries into a Hampton home (which technically belongs to your children), Countess.
You’d think wrong. In fact, there is a whole interview session where the producers ask her what she thinks of Leah’s apartment and because The Countess is not from the South, instead of saying something backhanded like, “It’s so charming!” or “It’s very cozy!” she chuckles and says “um” a lot and eventually manages to work her way to “I love how humble [Leah] is.”
The Countess manages to suppress her horror at the conditions she is being subjected to in Leah’s shoebox, and have a conversation with her about their individual decisions to not fall off the wagon, but to leap off of it, face first. IT’S THEIR CHOICE, DAMMIT, BACK OFF.
Going back to Dorinda, Page Six breaks the news that we all knew was coming: she’s dumped Fudgie the Whale. Dorinda meets Sonja at Central Park to discuss the story and speculate who planted it (Dorinda herself, duh) before discussing what went wrong. After seven years, Dorinda outgrew him. Also, he was wanting to party all the time and giving out his number to girls, and honestly, come on, too much.
So to take everyone’s mind off of … whatever, The Countess has planned an outing for them at a nearish-by orchard and winery: there will be apple picking! and hayrides! and a corn maze! and a pumpkin patch! and if they were all 5, this would be a terrific outing! But they’re all grown-ass women with varying degrees of alcohol dependence, so my prediction is that the real attraction is going to be the wine tasting.
They load up into a party bus and talk about how excited they are for apple cider donuts, and Sonja insists that she’s not interested in doing any day drinking, she just wants to have a healthy outdoor day.
Upon arriving at the winery/orchard, they are offered some cider … or a glass of wine? And they all opt for the wine because why not, it’s certainly almost noon by now.
They then head outside for a lovely lunch and Dorinda appears, holding a comically large wine glass, promising that she’s only going to have one glass today.
Lunch is served, and this Elyse woman is immediately in Dorinda’s face demanding to know what is going on with Fudgie the Whale.
Again, who the hell is this woman?
Dorinda explains that there’s no big story, it was just time for a change, and in an interview, Dorinda goes a little more in detail, confirming Ramona’s theories that the house renovation and Hannah moving out and breaking her rib and having to make big decisions on her own sort of led her to reevaluate her life and make the decision to be alone for the first time since Richard died. At the lunch, however, Dorinda does not go into all of this, and instead says something about how she’s not really interested in opening up about it right now.
Tinsley, who has been yelled at for months by Dorinda for not “sharing” enough, is like, “WELL THAT’S FUCKING RICH.”
Tinsley calls Dorinda a hypocrite to her face, and Dorinda replies that she has chewing gum that has lasted longer than Tinsley’s relationships which … what are we even arguing about here?
Dorinda then just starts being mean, telling Tinsley that she hasn’t known her for the past few years, she doesn’t want to know her for the last; that not only did Tinsley not add value to her life, she was “unvalue added”; she doesn’t care what Tinsley has to say because she’s “invisible” and that she doesn’t care about her.
The other women:
Elyse suddenly thinks she’s Andy Cohen and demands that the women each say something nice about the other, but both Dorinda and Tinsley are like, “FUCK YOU AND WHO ARE YOU ANYWAY?”
And Dorinda just keeps going, making fun of Tinsley’s comments about her mother wanting her to have curly hair for the fashion show and saying that she can’t “edit [herself] to dumbness.”
Tinsley understandably is FUCKING FURIOUS by now and is trying to yell something, but Ramona is telling her to calm down and keeps grabbing at her, trying to make her sit back down, which only infuriates Tinsley further, as no one is allowing her to speak or respond to this barrage of bullying.
Tinsley eventually storms off in a fury, followed by a concerned The Countess. The Countess advises Tinsley to not allow the other women see her cry, THEY’RE LIKE VICIOUS DOGS AND THEY MUST NOT SENSE WEAKNESS. Tinsley is still livid and emotional and complains that no one allows her to say anything or respond and even now, in this moment, The Countess is trying to calm her down instead of really listening to what she’s trying to say.
Meanwhile, everyone else is dealing with Dorinda and clearly terrified of her, lest she turns on them, too. Elyse tries to broach the issue of why she was so cruel to Tinsley, but Dorinda is like, “WHO ARE YOU? GET OUT OF MY FACE.” Dorinda then complains about Tinsley knowing that by throwing her two cents into the conversation she was going to “trigger” her. If Tinsley wants a fucking bitch, TINSLEY WILL GET ONE.
Leah tries to point out that Tinsley is 44 and all she wants in the world is a child, something that the rest of them all have, but Dorinda is NOT INTERESTED in expressing sympathy. HER HUSBAND DIED. (Eight years ago.) AND SHE BROKE HER RIBS. AND SHE IS TURNING 55 THIS YEAR AND THIS IS NOT WHAT SHE PLANNED FOR HER LIFE. SO WHO CARES ABOUT TINSLEY’S NON-EXISTENT CHILD?
Dorinda then suggests that they go home already (probably a solid idea), but The Countess insists they still have a hayride to go on.
Meanwhile, Tinsley has literally climbed into a tree to hide, definitely helping her case that she is a mature adult who should be taken seriously.
The Countess corrals the women and forces them into a “hayride,” which is just a trailer, with no hay anywhere to be seen, that is pulled slowly, so slowly by a tractor through the orchard.
The Countess then reveals that she’s duped them: the hayride was really just a means to get them away from the
fight luncheon table and into the CORN MAZE.
But here we are, forced to wander the corn, drunk, and hoping to not die among the stalks.
The women split into two competing groups: Team Dorinda, featuring Dorinda, Ramona, and Elyse. And Team Tinsley, which includes Tinsley, The Countess, Sonja, and Leah. Team Dorinda has a crisis of leadership and ends up wandering around in circles; Team Tinsley begins with women peeing in the corn:
This is a valuable educational moment for Leah who, unlike the rest of us, has only known Sonja for a couple of months now, and is coming to the realization that there are two Sonjas: Mrs. Morgan, and Turnt Up Sonja, and Turnt Up Sonja is a lot more fun.
Team Tinsley eventually makes it out of the corn maze, but Team Dorinda ends up in the center of it, and claiming that they “won.” It’s unclear how, exactly, they make it out, but I suspect it involved a group of production assistants and orchard workers who do not get paid nearly enough to be dealing with this crap leading them out.
Meanwhile, her bladder now empty, Sonja can focus on sexually harassing the poor tractor driver as he takes them back to the winery for exactly what this group needs: more booze. On the ride back, Dorinda and Ramona talk more about how Dorinda had outgrown Fudgie the Whale and that people change and she needs to focus on herself and transition to something different, and long story short: Dorinda is going through some shit.
Finally, they return to the winery where Sonja thoroughly sloshed, interrupts the sommelier’s spiel to hit on him and talk about how she “got pounded” the night before.
The sommelier, to his credit (?) rolls with it, and asks The Countess if she’s ever received a dick pic … which … hold up … are you threatening to send her one? The Countess huffs that NO ONE WOULD EVER DARE.
Leah, however, argues for the value of a good dick pic: she would like to know what she’s working with before she wastes her time.
She makes a fair point.
Sonja insists that you should never fuck with a small dick (again, can’t argue) before pointing at Tinsley and saying that she would do anything with a small dick if it gives her a bracelet. And I know Sonja is drunk, but Tinsley is being very patient with this dumb bitch who just called her a golddigger.
Dorinda and Elyse take about how they don’t really miss sex as much as they miss being held, or just having someone around, and Leah agrees that she doesn’t even want sex these days. “SEX IS ALL I WANT!” Turnt Up Sonja screams, which is, as The Countess accurately points out, our cue to leave.
The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo.